The Lying Mirror
It isn’t just mirrors. I have a bad relationship with reflective surfaces. Ok, that is an understatement. We’re sworn enemies. It’s war. Me against every single surface that can reflect my image in the world. You might be thinking to yourself, “Wow…Um…That’s a battle you can’t win. I mean, aren’t there, like, a lot of surfaces that do that? And aren’t you only one person? Kinda dumb…”
To which I say, “HA! No! That is where your logic fails! It is NOT “kinda dumb”, it is exceptionally brave! And I will never give in. They’ll have to take me whole. And it won’t be without a fight. A fight like the world has never seen…” And the world has already seen Braveheart. And Lord of the Rings. So try to even imagine a fight like this….You can’t, right?
Top reflective surfaces I hate:
- Mirrors
- Windows
- Subway windows
The subway is really bad for my self-confidence. I feel like it seriously misrepresents me. What’s worse is that it often perfectly represents the stunning lingerie model standing next to me. This is NYC, there is always a model standing somewhere really close to me. Unless….Wait…Are they following me? Oy. Focus.
So yeah, the subway is bad. Unless I’m standing up by the door, and I’m about a foot and three inches away from the glass. Then I look pretty good. But it has to be this exact distance. Any less and I’m a mangled, unrecognizable heap of terrifyingly lopsided parts. Any more and I’m the oldest woman alive. Either way, it’s not good.
There’s a sweet spot on mirrors too. I haven’t discovered it on store windows yet, because it’d take too long, and I can’t very well just stop on the sidewalk to figure it out. Not that I haven’t been tempted.
When I was looking for a new apartment, I spent a lot of time in various bathrooms, staring at myself in the mirror. I knew that whatever mirror happened to be there would be the one defining my self-confidence for the next few years. Whoever was showing me the place would be like, “And high, pre-war ceilings! Out here…um, you know, in the rest of the apartment. The part that’s not the bathroom.” But I knew what was important.
Ok, that was a slight exaggeration. But that’s what I wanted to do, because I knew how important it was.
Recently, I picked a venue for my wedding. There’s a little bridal room (I think it’s called something else. Bride’s Lair, maybe), full of mirrors. I was immediately nervous. These mirrors would determine how I felt about my appearance on my wedding day. Sheesh. Talk about pressure. I kind of felt sorry for them. But luckily the force was strong with them, and I felt like they might work with me. Or at least they had potential. Or at least the rest of the venue was SO amazing that I decided to work with them. I’ll get back to you about that one.
The truth is, often it’s a losing battle. Sometimes I feel gorgeous, and then I catch sight of myself reflected somewhere random. A spoon. A stranger’s pair of Gucci sunglasses. The tip of a ballpoint pen. Kidding. You know where for real. The subway. And suddenly I feel unattractive and awful, and the outfit I thought was cute and interesting is now hopeless and powerfully misguided. It’s depressing.
But then sometimes, there are odd moments of hope. Like last night.
I was in the weight room at the gym, and there was this tiny woman a few steps away, lying on her back on an enormous metal machine, doing delicate hip pumping motions that made it look like she had an invisible sex partner. She was wearing a matching pants-and-bra workout combo (the shirt had apparently been deemed superfluous), and her hair was down. Her body was perfectly toned. Unnaturally round and pert breasts peaked out the top of her—well— bra (like I said, no shirt to speak of). Whose breasts stand up like that when they’re lying on their back?? Can anyone give me an answer?? Anyone?!!
I looked at myself, unsexily arranged on a machine that allowed me to feature my bulky arms and broad shoulders. Please, please…I thought, a second before my eyes met my eyes in the mirror. Let me look amazing this time.
Dramatic pause.
I looked the worst I’ve ever looked. I looked so bad words fail me. But imagine a colossal, very old and very ill chipmunk with overdeveloped shoulders and back legs that were lost to polio* long ago. Now give it bad hair. I laughed aloud. I glanced at the tiny, perfect woman. Yup, still tiny and perfect. Then at me. Yup, still a deformed, horribly oversized chipmunk. It amused me again. Because I knew without a doubt that that wasn’t me. That the mirror had gone too far. It’d made me look unrealistically bad. Like a horror movie where you can totally tell the blood is ketchup. Nice special effects guys…And sure enough, on the way out I saw myself briefly reflected in the glass door, and I looked great! That was the reflective surface I chose to believe.
this is the kind of photography you do a lot at 17 or so. glad i grew out of it.
Un-Roast: Today I love my ability to make up melodies on the spot. I can improvise lyrics at the same time!! I’m a walking song-machine!
Everyone: Do you have a mirror that’s your friend? A worst enemy mirror? Favorite thing about yourself today? I’ve been getting so many amazing answers for the Un-Roast project! I’m going to start posting your answers soon. Keep ‘em coming!
*Elise, what is with me and the diseases from like half a century ago? I think something’s wrong with me.
Christina responded on 13 Apr 2010 at 12:26 pm #
The mirror in the front hall is my enemy. It always makes my head look too long. I don’t get it.
This is so true though. I feel so bad about myself when I see myself in the wrong mirror. And I can feel great if I’m looking good in my reflection in a store window.
My favorite thing about myself today is my eyes. They’re a really warm brown.
Jessica responded on 13 Apr 2010 at 12:38 pm #
I tend to like myself in mirrors that reflect large spaces, so then I can look tiny in the mirror. There is a mirror at the Gap that is tilted up and it makes me feel like crap every time I walk by it (which when I worked there, was a lot). I always wondered why anyone would put a tilt-up mirror anywhere.
Bethy responded on 13 Apr 2010 at 1:07 pm #
oh, the gym….i know the feeling. there’s always some girl who doesnt sweat or anything, who’s hair is perfect.
i look really good in my bathroom mirror. thank god for that.
jenn responded on 13 Apr 2010 at 4:37 pm #
mm, i can relate – when i apartment-hunt (or travel, for that matter), i am always concerned with how the lighting is in the bathroom. the make-up has to get on somehow. i find it so ridiculous but i’m aware of it nonetheless!
unroast: today, i like myself for taking risks and putting myself in awkward/challenging /complex situations. this is the only way i’m going to grow as a person and within my field.
R.M. Levitt responded on 13 Apr 2010 at 4:38 pm #
If you don’t mind a man’s opinion…
I think all these issues of mirrors and food rules and everything are just the symptoms of the problem. I’m sure you all know that the disorder is not so much a disorder of individual people as a disorder of society as a whole. It’s the idea that men in general prefer women of a certain unrealistic “Barbie doll” physique. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. From early childhood, boys are inculcated by their male role models, in real life and on TV, to lust after that kind “unattainable” kind of woman. Girls are likewise indoctrinated by their female role models that they will be less desirable and less likely to find love/happiness if they don’t look a certain way. What is this if not a self-fulfilling prophecy? I think we can agree that this cultural eating disorder is historically recent and a distinctly American (or Western) development.
The problem as I see it is that the advertisers and their ilk have seized upon this insecurity as a way to sell products and services that are essentially needless. What sustains capitalism when the basic necessities of life are cheaply available? It’s convincing people that they are still incomplete and that they need something beyond “eat, drink and be merry” to be happy. The US Constitution guarantees every person the right to “pursue happiness” however that may be defined. If we believe that the beautiful people we see in movies and magazines represent the kind of happy life that we ought to desire for ourselves, then the people who produce that media are free to keep moving the goalposts however they wish so that we’re stuck on a treadmill, chasing after a carrot on a stick, all for their benefit.
As parents are forced to work harder to make ends meet, and they place their children more and more in the care of nurseries, schools, extracurricular activities and the television, those children are soaking in the wider society’s unhealthy ideas about happiness at a younger and younger age. Childhood is the time when we’re supposed to discover what makes us happy without regard to what other people might think is “weird” or “unusual”. When I was ten years old a cardboard box could be a rocket ship, but when ten-year-olds have cell phones and start “dating” in middle school it should be a sign that something isn’t right. When marketers and advertisers are allowed to make up the rules because parents are too busy, too overworked or too uninvolved to intervene, then children are taught that “happiness” means nothing more than making yourself into whatever your peer group approves of.
Today that means a whole package of attitudes and behaviors foisted upon them by a corporate-driven pop culture that degrade their bodies, minds and most of all, their individuality. An unhealthy body-image, sometimes leading to clinical eating disorders, is just one facet of it. Teen pregnancy and gang-related crime are two others. Middle school is the perfect petri dish for incubating this disgusting “culture” of superficiality and desperate conformity. Hey kid, listen to Justin Bieber. Watch “Hannah Montana”. Wear Abercrombie. Everyone else does and you see how cruelly they treat those who are too different, right? Don’t weigh too much either or you’ll be unlovable, and what could be more valuable to possess than another person whose attraction to you can validate you and make you feel adequate? According to the latest “Tiger Beat” survey, guys like Megan Fox, so find out what she looks like and make yourself look like that too!
The marketers are simply raising the next generation of obedient consumers who will waste their lives and their paychecks searching for something they can’t recognize because it never imprinted itself on them during childhood. They won’t know how to view their love interests except as further objects to make them happy, and they’ll always see themselves as “not good enough” to deserve someone “perfect enough” to “truly” make them happy. With this wrong idea about love they’ll find little satisfaction in relationships with people and instead self-medicate with material acquisition, alcohol, drugs, meaningless sex and (you guessed it!) food. So we’ve come full circle.
Demographic analysis and market research has given Madison Avenue the tools to understand people’s happiness better than the people themselves do. As long as that remains the case, they’ll be glad to lead us around in circles as we exercise our inalienable right to pursue it. I think this blog is a great idea because it helps women support each other who have already been poisoned by this sick society. Don’t forget though, that the cure to the problem is not just overcoming your own issues with your body-image, but preventing those issues from being passed on to your daughters and to your friends daughters. That’s going to have to mean changing the rules of our whole culture and exposing the lies and bullshit for what it is. I’m 100% with you. For a thousand people attacking the branches of evil there is only one chopping at its root. There’s nothing more important to me in this life than being one of those few. I’m directing all my skills and knowledge toward it.
Jamie responded on 13 Apr 2010 at 9:10 pm #
I hate mirrors too. Especially the mirrors at work because the florescent lighting and general coloring of the room makes you look half-dead. Yuck.
Kate responded on 13 Apr 2010 at 9:19 pm #
@R.M. Levitt— This is seriously thorough. I appreciate you posting here and taking the time to express yourself so articulately and thoughtfully. I teach a class for middle-schoolers and I’m always upset by what they report about their peers and the politics of the classroom and the playground. I wonder a lot about how so many things become so acceptable. Sometimes it all feels out of control. But that’s exactly why I’m here, writing this blog. You should start the guy’s version!
Ali responded on 14 Apr 2010 at 12:47 am #
I am pretty good at avoiding mirrors and have many of the ones in our house covered with fabric. Yesterday however I decided to make my bad day at work worse by checking myself out naked in the full-length mirror in the guest bedroom. Yeah, that was stupid.
Today was no better leading me to have a hard time thinking of a best thing about myself. I guess it would have to be my persistence because I haven’t given up yet.
Melissa responded on 14 Apr 2010 at 12:52 pm #
Mirrors, in general, can kiss my ass. That said, the mirror at 24 hour fitness (my gym) actually makes my legs look good. My full-length bathroom mirror is a completely different story.
elise responded on 14 Apr 2010 at 1:23 pm #
who looks good at the gym? was heidi montag working out next to you? oh wait, i dont think she goes to the gym, she prefers the MD office for her maintenance…i digress.
so yeah, im beginning to think you didnt get vaccines as a child (that or you are secretly over a century old and therefore looking GREAT for your age…), but hey, at least current diseases like the swine flu havent yet come into play, right?
Kate responded on 14 Apr 2010 at 2:03 pm #
@Melissa— I’m so jealous. There is not a single mirror at my gym that does that for me. Well, maybe the one by the free weights…But that’s it.
@Elise– I’m not kidding: I’ve had the swine flu. I was the 50th case or something in NYC. One day I was joking around with friends about it, the next day I was quarantined in my apartment. For real. It was actually pretty hilarious, once I got over feeling slightly scared for my life (that was only like 5 minutes. I’m pretty cynical about these things)
And as for Heidi, I’m going to post a news item on her tonight or so, just so everyone can oggle her plastic body a little more. Hey, I shouldn’t act superior, I’ve had cosmetic surgery too (see “nose job” post). It didn’t help with my Hollywood career, though
R.M. Levitt responded on 15 Apr 2010 at 2:02 pm #
@Kate— Thanks! I’m actually getting involved with indie filmmaking and I’m planning to devote a good portion of me oeuvre to this. Not specifically girls/women and their body image, but the underlying problem of how children are being taught all the wrong values and ideas about themselves by the corporate-driven pop culture that parents invite right into their living rooms.
janetha responded on 15 Apr 2010 at 5:37 pm #
i avoid mirrors like the plague. especially in retail stores.. like target? the lighting is horrendous.
thing i like about me today.. i have DOMS in my legs. i feel strong.
The Infuriating Stupidity of Feeling Unattractive | Eat the Damn Cake responded on 21 Apr 2010 at 11:42 am #
[...] matter how many compliments I get. Or how good my life is. Or how much love I receive. I can still look in the mirror and feel undeserving. And the idea that you don’t deserve good things if you don’t look good enough– where did [...]
Eat the Damn Cake » Evening of the White Dress responded on 07 May 2010 at 12:24 pm #
[...] didn’t want to see myself reflected in anything, because I was afraid it would ruin the image I had in my head. But at the same time, I wanted to [...]
laura responded on 22 May 2010 at 1:03 pm #
@R.M. Levitt
“I’m sure you all know that the disorder is not so much a disorder of individual people as a disorder of society as a whole. It’s the idea that men in general prefer women of a certain unrealistic “Barbie doll” physique.”
Excuse me? Eating disorders, which are complex illnesses with biological, psychological, and emotional roots, are predicated entirely on men, or one’s idea of men? That’s chauvinism, too.
Alex Murray responded on 22 May 2010 at 2:53 pm #
It’s a pity that Megan was dropped from Transformers 3. But I wish her the best with whatever movie she does next.
Eat the Damn Cake » Mastering Your Look responded on 08 Jun 2010 at 12:36 pm #
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