How To Keep On Talking
If you feel like reading a post you’ve already read, but at a much more impressive web-location, check out my post about ugliness that got republished on Jezebel. When I read it there, far from the comfortable little layout of my own little blog, it struck me as decidedly poorly done, obvious, and sort of as though it had been written by a chimp that had been laboring under the tutelage of an extremely patient linguistic researcher for the past several years and had finally, but just barely, learned to put words other than “banana” and “hungry” together in sentences. I mean, it’s very, very exciting that the chimp has come so far, and the researcher is going to publish her book on the experience shortly, but come on, at the end of the day, it’s a chimp, and we all know a six-year-old could do it better. Even if the six-year-old happened to mention a banana.
I had, just before this, made the mistake of glancing over the comments on my recent article in the Huffington Post (which I am not linking here, because it feels unrelated), and several hundred people had decided that they absolutely must inform me that I am stupid beyond any reasonable level of stupidity they have ever before witnessed or imagined. It is shocking how stupid I can manage to be, while still functioning on a basic level. They have met chimps much, MUCH more intelligent. Someone actually wrote in saying that he refused to even READ my article because the title itself was so stupid.
I was sitting around, feeling like I might in fact be unforgivably stupid, when I checked my email and read a message from a friend.
She said, of this blog, “I really think it’s courageous of you to articulate how you feel like one on hand you shouldn’t be spending time on thinking these thoughts, and also that you don’t understand why you feel the way you do. You aren’t writing from a place of having all the answers, or maybe even a single answer… but you’re articulating resonant ideas and mining subjects that every woman I know thinks about frequently.”
Thank you! The chimp evolved before my eyes. I thought, “Why should I have to know exactly what I’m talking about? Maybe the conversation is the point. Maybe there don’t have to be any answers at the end.” I think there may be some related quote about life being a journey…. No, definitely not. 
But all this has made me think about talking about stuff. About picking a topic and talking about it. Especially when it’s a topic that doesn’t seem immediately important. Or maybe it seems overdone. Or narrow. Or something else that’s bad in some way.
It’s hard. You feel stupid a lot. You repeat yourself a lot. You make obvious points. You miss obvious points you should’ve made.
A few months ago, I decided that body image was a topic worth talking about. So I started talking. And now, out of respect for my past self, I am continuing to talk. In order to do so, I have to remind myself of the following:
- I have meaningful things to say
- This is a conversation that I want to have with other people
- It’s less lame than feeling secretly bad about myself and never addressing it
- I can be both self-confident and vulnerable at the same time
- I get to eat cake as a result
- Other people might eat more cake
- Cake is really good
- No matter what I feel, other people definitely feel that way too (“There are no stupid questions! If you’re thinking it, someone else in the class is too, they’re just afraid to ask it.”)
- Even if whatever I’m saying really is stupid, it’s ok to be stupid sometimes
- I like to talk
There are probably more, but ten seemed like a good place to stop.
I really do believe in talking. In staying up late and talking and talking until you feel like if you were in charge of the world, you’d make everything great for everyone (except for the serial killers, who would be in BIG trouble). In transitioning randomly from talking about something profound to talking about farting. Or from talking about farting to talking about epistemological shift. Or just talking about farting. Or just epistemological shift.
People say, “Stop talking and DO something!” But talking IS doing. Also, I’m a Jew. We talk a lot.
And there. I just wrote a post that doesn’t really make any concise or decisive points. It doesn’t have any inspirational answers. It doesn’t quite know what it’s talking about, even as it talks about talking. But I feel OK with that. I’m pretty thankful just to have the chance to talk.
P.S. Penelope Trunk backs me up on the idea of picking a topic and sticking to it. She might disapprove, though, of how much I’m rambling right now.
* * * * *
Un-Roast (I just typed “un-roasty,” which has a different flair): Today I love my forehead. It’s high and sort of regal. At least, my mom said it was regal, and that always stuck with me.
Everyone: What do you want to talk about? What’s your un-roast for the day? Thanks for taking the time to talk with me!
Kate on April 29th 2010 in beauty
Natalie responded on 29 Apr 2010 at 9:27 am #
Kate,
PLEASE, PLEASE for the love of Blog don’t stop blogging. I LOVE reading what you write…whether it’s on this blog (my favorite blog, by the way) or on Huff Post (that was a banging article on Ghandi by the way). Your blogging about what you’re always thinking about and your being so open and real has inspired me to take more risks in my blog (which is what I’m always thinking about…namely, the nature of God). And that’s scary, but isn’t that what this “new media” is all about?
And though I disagree with you being a “chimp”, the entire metaphor was fantastic. I guarantee you I will think of it several times over the next couple of days and laugh about it. Ok? Ok.
Keep on keeping on. Keep on talking. You have an original voice and important message.
Rock on sister-friend,
Natalie
Amber responded on 29 Apr 2010 at 9:44 am #
Your friend is so right.. every woman I know thinks about these things, too. And that’s why I love reading your posts. Your so brave!
Wei-Wei responded on 29 Apr 2010 at 12:40 pm #
This is why I love your blog – you’re not afraid to express all these feelings that you have, and you’re not afraid to be honest about what you think. I think that we as a group reading your blog feel honestly thankful for your voice because (well for me at least) so many of your ideas and posts relate directly and personally to me.
It’s like finally finding someone you really know well and who really understands you… Keep on talking, girlie! We love you for it!
Wei-Wei
5 Seed Natural Beauty responded on 29 Apr 2010 at 12:58 pm #
UNROAST: You are a great writer, Kate. G-R-E-A-T. Humorous, thought-provoking, and intelligent. As far as Huff goes, in my experience, people can get really riled up when talking about religion and sex. I think some people feel a bit threatened to have open conversations about religion.
And that’s okay – to each his/her own. But I LOVE that you are willing to talk openly and casually about all things – self-acceptance, body image, religion, sex. That’s what writers do! That’s our job. And in a way, the more crazy-mean comments you get, the more you know you are doing a GOOD job! Your writing is stirring up the hornet’s nest. It’s creating controversy, debates, and even pushing against people’s boundaries. Yes! Way to go!
Be proud and keep pounding away at the keyboard!
Yancy
Virginia responded on 29 Apr 2010 at 2:08 pm #
Amen, sister.
I struggle with this All. The. Time. (And felt the exact same way when a post of mine was republished on Jezebel — maybe it’s just getting to eat lunch at the cool girls’ table is still kinda scary…)
But I think the whole thing about an issue like body image is that we really do have to keep having the conversations even when they start to seem repetitive and uninspired. Because this isn’t about crafting brilliant, profound arguments. Hell, if that were the case, we could just pass out copies of The Beauty Myth and call it a day, because Naomi Wolf got the job done 20 years ago. It’s about getting these things that we know intellectually to be true to also be things that we KNOW (deep, deep, in our bones) to be true. So we feel better about ourselves. And eat more cake.
And that means more talking. So please do keep at it, because we’re listening. xo
janetha responded on 29 Apr 2010 at 4:11 pm #
dang. mad props on being republished on that fancy website. ive never been there before but i clicked over and i think that is cool. and i also think you are smart. and i agree with your friend a zillion times over. your blog is unique, like none other, and it has the best content i have seen in all of blog land. i am being completely honest.
your blog is amazing because we can all relate. this isnt a blog that has all the answers, but it is one that is thought provoking and you dare to discuss all the questions every woman has, or has had at some point in their life. it is the realest of the real.
rambling is awesome. i prefer hearing what people are thinking rather than reading preachy posts.
i like #3 and #4 on your list the best.
oh, and #7
talking is needed. it is therapeutic. it is how we learn and grow. we can’t keep shit bottled up inside of us. it’s weird. talking is normal. thanks for giving us a place for it.
tamar responded on 29 Apr 2010 at 11:29 pm #
kate-
you focus so much (admittedly) on the negative! i really enjoy your blog, but i hadn’t read the post that was published in the huffington post. i’ll admit it’s because i have a ton to read and i don’t care about religion or feminism (sorry). however, i read it after this post, and looked at the comments, and almost every one i saw was either neutral or overwhelmingly positive! i can’t pretend i don’t do the same thing- only focus on negative things and ignore anything positive, but even though your self-esteem seems to have been repaired after this post, i just had to point out that there were many tens of posts about how brilliant/insightful/interesting it was. congratulations and keep writing.
Gaby responded on 30 Apr 2010 at 12:14 am #
I’m so shocked anyone could have anything bad to say about any of your posts! I was actually so proud when you posted your article in the Huffington post, I showed all my friends and said I read her blog!!! It was exciting and I felt like a dork, but I feel like I “know” you through your writing and the Huffington post is a BIG deal. You should be proud of yourself!
I know that personally you are able to express so many things that I feel but cannot put into words or don’t have the courage to, so thank you and thank you Maggie!
Please keep talking!
Kate responded on 30 Apr 2010 at 10:52 am #
@Tamar
Which post did you read? The last one wasn’t about “feminism” (I’m honestly not sure what you’re referring to when you use the word, since people mean a lot of things when they do. I don’t have “feminist” agenda, whatever that means. I’m just writing as a woman!).
Thanks for letting me know about nice comments! Really, my reaction was motivated by glancing over some random comments from the last post, and seeing a lot of mean ones! Maybe I just picked a bad block of comments to look at, but I definitely got called ridiculous and uneducated and irrelevant enough to feel depressed.
I agree that I can focus on the negative, but in that case, I wasn’t just reacting to a lone snippy comment. I wish!
And thanks for reading, despite not being interested in religion
tamar responded on 02 May 2010 at 12:28 am #
kate, wasn’t the huffington post article about female clergy members? that’s all i meant by feminism, and certainly i don’t use that word in a negative light. and of course when i say i’m not interested in religion, i don’t mean that seriously. it’s just not on the top of my list, being agnostic myself. but truly, i love your blog, and i know there were negative comments, just wanted to point out there were lots of positives.
Elize responded on 05 May 2010 at 9:39 am #
keep writing!! the conversations you spur and the thoughts you inspire are awesome and needed!