The flat stomach police and goals for being old
So I’m still pretty excited about Janetha’s guest post and all the cake she was eating in those photos! I was thinking about the stomach bump thing a lot after I read that. I put on a dress that I love in the morning and it looked great. By evening, I thought I looked like I might be with child. With large child. This is also the reason I try to avoid eating before trying on clothes. Tip: if you want to save money and you also feel like going shopping and it’s also summery and gorgeous out and you feel like buying lots of frivolous clothing that you’ll never wear again, eat A LOT before you shop. It’ll save you. I think I’m going to copywrite this idea and make millions on it. Because I am definitely the first person to think of it.
Here’s the answer, though. I’ve figured it out. And now we have to all agree to do it. Ready? Ok:
Let’s all wear whatever we want, regardless of our stomachs! In fact, the worse we feel about our stomachs, the more amazing our outfits should be. It’s brilliant! I’m a genius! Another copywrite? Coming right up!
Why does anyone have a right to tell us to have flat stomachs in the first place, anyway? Who decided that was the most attractive look? It’s not really even that feminine. Why? Because hardly any women look that way!
But I don’t want to discriminate against the ones who do. I mean, flat-stomached women can be lovely, fascinating people who lead rich, full lives. Most of those lives are led here, actually, within the confines of Manhattan, where there’s a rule coming in about how much stomach a woman can have. But really, if you’re anywhere else in the country (with the possible exception of LA), you can pretty much bet there’s a serious amount of sucking in happening and very few flat stomachs to be had.
I want to know who the flat stomach police are, so that I can take different routes and avoid them forever.
Usually, though, the truth is that it’s us. We’re the police. I mean, I don’t think most people who look at me think, “What is that fat-armed girl doing wearing a sleeveless shirt? Some thin-armed girl should be wearing that! What a travesty! Someone sit her down in front of a television and make her watch hair commercials! I mean, they’re for HAIR and those women still have thin arms!” No, that’s all me. I’m the one thinking that.
And when you start thinking about your stomach being a disaster in your early twenties, the aging process becomes terrifying. I mean, if it’s already this bad….
So what happens when you’re older? Do you keep feeling worse and worse? Or do you finally just stop beating yourself up?
Here are my goals for when I’m elderly:
- Don’t always obey whatever food rules you set for yourself. It’s good to be healthy, but if you want to eat pie for breakfast some days, do it!
- Wear whatever you want. Especially if it’s flowing and silken and regal.
- Wear more jewelry when dressing up some days. This goes along with the regal image.
- Wear absolutely no jewelry some days and all linen or cotton. Look completely pure and simple.
- Cut off all your hair and let your face speak for itself.
- Spend more money on clothing. Why not? Hopefully you’ll have saved some.
- Maintain your sarcasm.
- Be completely opinionated.
- Joke around a lot.
- Look in the mirror and think, “Alright! Lookin’ pretty damn good!”
- Don’t care in the least bit that your stomach isn’t flat. After all, the last time it was flat was when you were eighteen or so, and that was a LONG long long time ago.
I haven’t worked out my midlife goals yet. Suggestions are appreciated. One thing is for sure, I want to turn in my badge as soon as possible. I’m tired of being armed and dangerous. I’ve already hurt myself enough.
* * * * * *
Un-Roast: Today I love my breasts. They’re soft but also kind of pointy and cute. They look pretty happy.
Everyone: What are your goals for when you’re elderly? If you are already, are you meeting them? What’s your un-roast?
P.S. Here’s Healthy Girl talking about growing with your food/body relationship. She always describes these things eloquently.
Cindy responded on 06 May 2010 at 12:05 pm #
oh SHEW. I was getting tired of chasing the 20 something no fat on my body dogma.
VERY TIRED.
not sure I ever had a flat stomach. ever. I’ve always been soft and curvy. i also have always been pretty fit and toned and athletic (sort of) so in terms of MY body…I am still young! ish, um…dilusional maybe.
39 and three quarters is not a death sentance. and YES you just get to where you finally either accept who you are and begm to apprecieate what you still have
or
you just, like me, get tired of chasing a dumb goal.
like I said. in truth, I think i look better now than I did in HS. Did you know I can still fit into my cheer outfit! (there’s my unroast for today)
i did a post about it before ETDC was born. I was silly-happy. my waist is an inch or two wider (2 babies) but jeez. small things in life.
and the only time I was super skinny was because I was abusing diet pills and depressed. not so good. I never want to be there again!
I am trying to apprecieate and even feel GREAT about my curves.
husband loves em! I should too!
xo
as always. thanks for the smiles
janetha responded on 06 May 2010 at 12:53 pm #
ahahahaha i love your wit. i love love love it. thank you for this followup flat stomach post! it made my day!!! i hope i can change my thinking~ a little bit more every day
unroast i love my bangs. i cant believe i went 24 years without them.
Marin responded on 06 May 2010 at 2:34 pm #
Your 10 goals for being elderly remind me of a good friend of mine. She’s 72 years old, and hasn’t had a flat stomach in decades. But she does have: a successful real estate business, a wonderful boyfriend 20 years younger than her (they’ve been together for many, many happy years), a cozy home, an art studio, a flourishing second career as an artist, a great group of friends, and a fabulous wardrobe.
I want to be as happy as she is when I’m elderly.
Sagan responded on 06 May 2010 at 3:07 pm #
“Why does anyone have a right to tell us to have flat stomachs in the first place, anyway? Who decided that was the most attractive look? It’s not really even that feminine. Why? Because hardly any women look that way!”
WOW that resonates!
I also love your “un-roast”… I like the idea of various body parts “looking pretty happy”
Jamie responded on 06 May 2010 at 7:34 pm #
I so appreciate this post. I have often felt like the flat stomach police are going to come after me. : )
Pretty Price Check (05.07.10) « Beauty Schooled responded on 07 May 2010 at 12:54 pm #
[...] With Fat, who reminds us that hating on thin girls doesn’t solve the problem either. And Eat The Damn Cake, who wants you to wear whatever you want, no matter how you feel about your stomach. (I’m [...]
San D responded on 08 May 2010 at 3:46 pm #
Hey Kate, where did you get a copy of MY rules? Actually when you become “elderly” there ARE no friggin’ rules. We of the “elderly squad” have a saying: “It is what it is”, and that pertains to everything from eating cake to flat stomachs. LOL.
lauren responded on 08 May 2010 at 9:23 pm #
i also cannot wait until i am old. “golden girls” convinced me it will be this magical time of less work, more confidence and experience, and greater self-acceptance. and i totally want to be a crazy smart alleck like Sophia. Often i joke with my friends that we’re going to be crazy old maids together.
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday responded on 10 May 2010 at 11:17 am #
Wow, I haven’t actually been thinking about what I’ll look like when I’m old. I’m so wrapped up in the fact that I want to IMPROVE my body now that I just assumed that it would be better when I’m older.
…all of the sudden, I’m doubtful.
AND I find myself sucking in my gut
Gena responded on 11 May 2010 at 8:45 pm #
Nothing makes me more depressed than female clients who tell me all about this “unique” problem they think they’re having, wherein they look “pregnant” after eating. Errr, nutritionist’s newsflash here: 1) all women with body dysmorphia imagine this same condition. It ain’t just you. 2) it’s normal to have a full belly by the end of the day. Concave stomachs, on the other hand, are ABnormal. So let’s get real about our fantasies that there’s a breed of women out there with naturally washboard stomachs: there isn’t, and if there is, they’re doing something funky to themselves. Period.
April responded on 14 May 2010 at 7:35 am #
My husband always talks about eating McDonald’s when we’re older and retired. He said we’ll be dying soon so we need to enjoy ourselves and eat like crap. I have to explain to him eating like crap makes me feel like crap.
I am loving my chesticles too! They are small so I don’t have to wear bras and that saves me money.
Eat the Damn Cake » Guest Post: Gena Talks Body Image, part 2 responded on 20 May 2010 at 10:22 am #
[...] with ugliness, being homeschooled, wedding gown shopping, the way mirrors always lie, and the flat stomach police. And if you like any of this stuff, please subscribe! It’ll make me really happy. But enough [...]
Lena responded on 20 May 2010 at 10:39 am #
Have as much stomach as you want!! I LOVE the goals for when you’re old. They’re definitely mine now too.
I almost never stop thinking about my stomach, and it’s never flat enough. But having a totally flat stomach doesn’t even make sense!
Eat the Damn Cake » The flat stomach police and goals for being old | How To Flatten Your Stomach responded on 26 May 2010 at 4:31 pm #
[...] Eat the Damn Cake » The flat stomach police and goals for being old [...]
Eat the Damn Cake » Being naked responded on 16 Dec 2010 at 9:56 am #
[...] the worst thing about my body! Has it really always been that way?!”). I catch myself sucking my stomach in when I am alone. As though I am practicing for later, when someone else might catch me being convex [...]
Spelling responded on 24 Aug 2011 at 6:18 pm #
I don’t know about this post. I don’t know if NOT doing what makes you feel better about yourself will really make you feel any better. Like, I understand the whole ‘love yourself for who you are’ thing, but I just don’t know if it will really make you any happier with your bod.
I know that I, for one, suck in my tum, but it actually makes me happier to look in the mirror and see myself as skinny than to see my real self. The one that just ate wayyy too much ice cream.
And I think I still want to have rules when I’m old. Like no nasty printed neck scarves. And no Bingo nights.
I don’t know. From the sounds of the other comments, I’m alone in feeling this way.
There’s a lot of stuff I don’t know.
Unroast: I have fluorescent pink big toenails with silver, white and black zebra stripes, and they really shine in the light!