The calculus of woman
(click here for source of photo)
I have always been absolutely terrible at math. OK, maybe not when I was seven or something, and numbers were a puzzle. People are always saying that. “It’s like a puzzle! It’s fun!” My fiancé thinks like this. He sometimes solves math problems for fun. That’s a little like…walking on spikes for fun. Giving yourself paper cuts for fun. Alphabetizing all of your books for fun. Scrubbing the bathroom floor for fun. Other terrible, painful, horrifyingly boring and tedious things for fun. You get the idea.
Maybe there was a time when I added two numbers and got another number and my little face lit up and I burbled, “It’s like magic!” But I learned very quickly that it was most certainly NOT like magic. Magic had more to do with fairy dolls and stories about bold, fearless princesses who ran away into the enchanted forest, and colorful silk scarves. Math was more about suffering. I wrote a lot of poems about how much I hated math, and the monumental unfairness of the world’s tendency to evaluate me based on skills I found no reason to value in the slightest bit.
But the world always wears you down. That’s just its way. And all of the messages it repeats over and over in your ear seep through to your brain, eventually, if not immediately. So I learned that I was a little stupid, for being bad at math. That the smart people were always good at it. Always.
I was artistic. And creative. And those things were definitely great. But there was always something missing.
I went to college, I went to grad school. I proved myself over and over again academically. But the sense that there was a hollowness to my intellect didn’t ever quite disappear. Living in Manhattan has taught me why.
This is the reason: I am not the modern woman.
In my mind, she’s much more computer-savvy than I am. She’s much more logical. She has mastered all of the traditionally male skills and is comfortable on intellectual turf that men have closely guarded for centuries. She wants a high-powered job. She gets one. She thrives in the competitive environment. She looks hot in a trim business suit. Her legs are definitely long. She is deft and sharp and cool and no-nonsense. I can describe her so well, I feel like I’ve been stalking her. And maybe I have. Maybe I’ve been stalking the idea of the kind of woman I would be if I was better at the world.
I feel like I’m an old-fashioned type of woman. I write music, I paint. I cook. I don’t know nearly enough about managing money. I forget things easily. I’m emotional. I put on pink dresses and pearls and high heels to vacuum. Ok, not that last one. But it’s pretty severe.
I recognize that womanhood can’t really be divided into the categories of “modern woman” and “old-fashioned woman,” and that people are infinitely complex (I mean, come on, Penelope Trunk is needlepointing. I don’t think we need more evidence than that). Women can and should be whatever it is that they feel inclined to be, without anyone telling them that they aren’t a “good enough woman.”
But I can’t help but feel embarrassed sometimes that the skills I have come together to form a woman who neglects to break down so many old stereotypes.
Little did I know, as a kid playing with fairy dolls in the grass (which looks like an enchanted forest when the dolls are really tiny…), that getting good at math would help make me a more streamlined, complete, successful, and interesting woman one day.
So here I am. Thoroughly un-streamlined. A pretty good songwriter. Awesome at making sandwiches. I mean, seriously awesome. Romantic. Caring. With no desire for a high-powered job. And still stalking some chick in a designer business suit.
* * * * *
Un-roast: Today I love my fingernails. They’re exactly the right shape and size for my fingers. Well done, hands. Well done.
Everyone: How are you at math/science? Is it a part of your identity as a woman?
Kate on June 2nd 2010 in new york, perfection
Cindy responded on 02 Jun 2010 at 12:28 pm #
No…no math skillz here.
I do need a few in order to knit and cook..sometimes to figure out if the .50 cents off coupon is truly WORTH buying a product I would normally never buy…
and I HAVE put on a 50′s style foofy dress with heels and a french twist to serve waffles to my family once upon a time.
FREAKED THEM ALL OUT.
it was sooooo fun. I should have been an actress. I did the June Cleaver thing all day!
I should go dig up that dress! wonder if I still have it.
I hear what you are saying. I am an old soul and it sounds like you are too.
the world NEEDS US. don’t change just because you feel un-modern.
At the end of the day a comforting meal and a caring partner WAY out weights Conquering the World! WAY!!!
just ask your fiance and some day your children!
(and I feel that way too sometimes…it’s why I play with gadgets like my iPad…i feel “with it” still)
haha
Try raising a family! It doesn’t get any HIGH POWERED than that! you get to have power struggles unparralleled to the corporate world EVERY DAY. plus you can kiss your “boss” shamelessly and not get fired. And when you ‘ve had enough fun debating eating those vegetables, you can just pull out
CUZ MOMMY SAID SO smoking gun.
ah..it’s a good life.
as I go back to my paper shuffling job!
luv ya!
San D responded on 02 Jun 2010 at 12:29 pm #
OK, I admit it, I was awesome at Math. Got into college in 1968 as a math major, but took a different turn and graduated as an art major. Math was a puzzle to be figured out. Art is a puzzle that never gets solved. I like that. Sounds like you have your math area covered in life, it’s your fiance. I never particularly cared for Chemistry, so I married a scientist. (LOL) All my bases are covered. To keep on the math topic though, one should never measure oneself by one’s shortcomings, but by one’s assets. We are indeed the sum of all of our good parts.
Rob (R.M. Levitt) responded on 02 Jun 2010 at 1:23 pm #
I think that by defining your identity around breaking down old stereotypes, you give those stereotypes just as much power over you as if you completely validated them. In a way, you just become a different kind of stereotype: the person who conforms to nonconformity!
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said “Women [and men! —R.M.] can and should be whatever it is that they feel inclined to be.” That’s a healthy kind of feminism that doesn’t ridicule women who like to bake cookies, and the male equivalent doesn’t tell us we’re gay if we don’t like football.
By the way, I suck at math!
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday responded on 02 Jun 2010 at 1:35 pm #
I don’t believe people are actually bad at math the same way that no one is really bad at being creative.
Kids (particularly girls) are influenced by friends/parents/society to think that they’re bad at math. This leads them to just throw their hands up in the air and say “I’m just bad at math” without putting forth any effort.
Those same friends/parents/society treat math as if it’s boring rather than encouraging kids about all its great applications.
…but what can I say, I DID major in Math and statistics.
Kate responded on 02 Jun 2010 at 2:59 pm #
@Rob
The thing is, sometimes it’s really, really hard to choose how you “define your identity.” I definitely want to feel empowered, and able to reject ALL stereotypes. But they’re there, and they impact me. I’m never quite sure how to combat them most effectively.
I love it when straight guys don’t like football. Or when gay guys do. Or anytime that people have the option to choose their own likes and dislikes.
You’re bad at math? That actually surprises me a lot! I had you pegged for a mathy guy.
Kate responded on 02 Jun 2010 at 2:59 pm #
@Samantha
Well, now I have to start stalking you
I don’t know how much effort I put forth on math. At times, I felt like I worked pretty hard, but it never felt natural or seemed to make sense. Also, I felt a lot of pressure pretty early on to be good at it, so it seemed scarier than maybe it had to. I’ll write a piece about that sometime.
Justine responded on 02 Jun 2010 at 3:11 pm #
I can relate to this post very much, I too am useless with mathematics, but give me a paintbrush or the right ingredients and I am master! I don’t think that means we’re not modern women, just not in the stereotypical way. Here you are writing and encouraging other women to love themselves, I can’t think of anything more powerful and modern than that!
Hayley responded on 02 Jun 2010 at 6:14 pm #
I felt something similar after I gave up on becoming a lawyer, but I really, really don’t want to be a lawyer. And really?? You don’t want to be good at math… That’s what calculators are for.
bobbie responded on 02 Jun 2010 at 8:48 pm #
When my son was about 10 years old, he asked my husband a math question. The two of them went at it for about 20″. I felt like they were talking a different language. It was really weird.
Wei-Wei responded on 03 Jun 2010 at 10:16 am #
Ironically, I am probably one of the best students in my geometry class. I don’t want to sound arrogant… but frankly speaking, I am. It’s a little awkward sometimes; I can get away with stuff other people can’t, and people are always asking me for help. It’s awkward. I think I’m naturally mathematically inclined; creativity tires me, sometimes. That’s why I find it easier to comment on recipe blogs than on this one. I have to think, for so darn long.
Thinking. Sigh. It’s hard. (Hahaha
)
Wei-Wei
Natalie responded on 03 Jun 2010 at 2:43 pm #
I AM TERRIBLE AT MATH. In fact, because of this (and several poor Life Decisions) I have not graduated with my bachelor’s degree. I feel like a moron. The type of math that I was supposed to breeze through in high school is the math I am doing now, as a 24 year-old, with a full-time job. Yes, a full-time job…one that requires no algebra, calculus, physics, or chemistry. I still do not understand why on earth people who KNOW that they won’t need higher-level math (like people who major in religion, and minor in psychology and German and like to paint and write, etc) are required to take it.
So yes. Being bad at math definitely makes me feel like I am not intelligent. Whenever I meet a woman my age who IS good at math, I imagine her life must be so much easier. I bet she’s the type of woman who can not only doing complex calculations, but can manager her finances, has no trouble keeping to a workout routine, and who looks “neat” and “clean” no matter what she wears.
Why is it that I feel I always look rumpled and sort of scruffy and that I feel my clothes never look neat and clean? Probably because it’s true. But why do I feel that is somehow connected to my inability to be a slamming mathematician? Because it’s something I’m insecure about the same way I’m bad at math?
Kate: I too, don’t want a high-powered job. I’d like nothing more than to work part-time teaching or writing or baking and spend my free time painting and dreaming and puttering around like a grandma (or switch them; same thing). Why are we supposed to want it all? I don’t want It, if It means killing myself over a job in an office with terrible florescent lighting simply to rise to the “next level” in my “career.”
Sorry, I ranted. Point is-I hear you sister.
Kate responded on 04 Jun 2010 at 2:30 pm #
@Natalie
Ha! Thanks for “ranting”! I think I always have the impression of math-y women, too. That they must be more put together and organized than I am. I’m decidedly scattered. It feels confusing to have this sense that you’re supposed to “want it all,” when you want your own, totally different version of it all, that doesn’t involve many of the things that usually define success. But that’s why writing about it is great, because you start to get an idea of just how many other people are out there, quietly wanting their own version of happiness and fulfillment, too.
go-phish responded on 05 Jun 2010 at 7:47 am #
It feels like you stole my diary.
And posted the diary-entry I’ve always thought of writing but
felt too… sad to actually put down.
I feel my inadequacy at the traditional roles DOES get me down and
like a special bond with music, dogs, writing, reading reading reading!! 
and thats just not nice because there are so many beautiful things I can choose to adore about myself
love your blog!
MWN responded on 05 Jun 2010 at 11:09 pm #
I always thought I was bad at math and science until my high school advisor pointed out those two classes gave me consistent As. Even after, I still felt like I wasn’t very good at it. I’m now majoring in Economics, but feel like I don’t know anything about economics (and found a loophole where I don’t have to take Calculus.)
Christina (Dinner at Christina's) responded on 07 Jun 2010 at 8:04 pm #
I love this post b/c it’s so me! I’ve also always been horrible at math and science. I hate them because of this and dread all things related to them. I’m much more creative, musically inclined, love writing, reading, and cooking.
In fact I’ve always said that I think I was born 100 years too late. I think I’d make a fantastic turn-of-the-LAST-century type of gal.
When I returned to college this time I specifically researched and sought out programs where I did not have to take any math or science. Of course I still have to take economics and business accounting (gag gag gag) but it’s better than statistics (convulses) or physics (drops dead).
It’s funny b/c it’s never really bothered me. I like what I like and I know it’s not those things. Besides, that’s what they have other ppl for (bf is exceptionally grand at math) and calculators!
tamar responded on 07 Jun 2010 at 11:34 pm #
i’m really good at math and science. i certainly don’t feel like the modern woman. i just feel like a woman who is good at math. it’s more isolating than anything else because i don’t have anything common with the “modern woman.”
B.T. responded on 08 Jun 2010 at 2:10 pm #
@Tamar
I know what you mean, since I’m good at math too. But how would you define the modern woman?
Shyra responded on 11 Jun 2010 at 4:26 pm #
I am modern woman hear me roar! I kick ass math and I’m not too bad @ science either. Hell I was in Project SUPER (does Douglass still have that program? LoL I’m getting old) I will beat almost anyone @ Jeopardy. I don’t cook or clean. I pay someone else to the “hard stuff”. I say all of this to say that my mom is dying for a “old fashioned” daughter. My bf does the old fashioned things and my son is just happy that he gets pizza on fridays. Old or new it doesn’t matter. What you are good or bad @ will be a part of who u r. My bestie plans on knitting when she gets older. I will playing Soduku.
Eat the Damn Cake » Three steps to combat messiness responded on 21 Jun 2010 at 12:31 pm #
[...] things like department stores and wonders how they might be better organized. He has a mathy brain (unlike me), and he looks at the world like a puzzle that’s always needing to be [...]
Catherine responded on 29 Jun 2010 at 5:33 pm #
Saying “who needs math when there are calculators” is like saying “who needs cooking when there are TV dinners”. I think that math is both an essential skill – because it allows you to organize your finances, for example, and allows you to see through scams – and an important part of an intellectual life – it allows you to see the world through a new lens, just as studying politics or art would.
Being good at artsy things and being good at analytical things is a false dichotomy. It’s a myth that started back in the sixties with the whole left-brain v. right-brain thing. A neurologist will tell you that there is no defined hemisphere for mathyness or artyness. Saying “I’m bad at math because I’m good at art” is almost as bad as saying “I’m bad at math because I’m a woman”.
But, that being said, you should do what you like to do. It’s a shame that you didn’t have positive experiences with math growing up – I was lucky enough to have gone to a school where math was taught in the context of art, music, games and puzzles, rather than being taught to be human calculators. And now I am a grad student in quantum physics who also loves computer programming, finance, cooking, art and music.
meerkat responded on 17 Jul 2010 at 10:15 am #
I think alphabetizing books is fun, because you have lots of books and now that they are arranged in some way you can find them, and also exercise, because books are heavy.
Jo responded on 05 Sep 2010 at 2:52 pm #
I like maths! But then, I like organising my book collection too
I think it is important to remember that you are a specific individual, not a stereotype, and that just because you like one of two facets of a stereotype you shouldn’t try and squish yourself into such a narrow definition. You can like maths and play RPGs on the computer and dress exclusively in feminine, floaty dresses. Besides, that way you get the fun of smashing people’s preconceptions.