Getting Checked Out By Guys With Wives
My friend and I were sitting on a bench by the river next to the Boat Basin Café. Lots of ambitious and health-conscious New Yorkers jogged by in coordinated jogging outfits. A flock of luxury boats like colossal mutant swans bobbed on the murky surface of the water. It was warm.
I said, “I think that guy just checked you out.”
She said, “What guy?”
“The one who just ran by. In the jogging shorts.”
She glanced towards him. “Oh yeah? Was he cute?”
“Not really. But youngish.”
“Ok.”
We went back to our conversation about people who own yachts and whether or not they clean their own yacht bathrooms. But soon my friend said, “I think that guy just checked you out.”
It turned out that pretty much every guy who went by was looking at us. There wasn’t an age limit. There wasn’t any kind of limit. We started paying attention. There wasn’t anything obviously wrong, like a tree about to fall on our heads or bird poop in some inopportune place. It’s not as though either one of us has never been checked out, but this was ridiculous. We tried to figure out why.
“It’s the dresses.”
“Yeah, kinda low cut.”
“But I’m flat.”
“Me too.”
“Still…Maybe they’re checking just in case.”
“Probably.”
We decided in the end that it was a combination of it being summer, our dresses, and, more importantly, our age and the fact that we were sitting still. Because we were sitting still, the men could do a little hit-and-run type thing. And because we were sitting still, and not concentrating on other things, like not tripping, not running into people, or not getting hit by a bus, we were able to notice them noticing us. At first it was flattering.
(click here for image source)
And then came the guys with their girlfriends. The guys with their fiancées. The guys with their wives. The guys with their kids. The guys with their entire extended family; a child on their back, holding hands with their pregnant wife, pushing their grandmother’s wheelchair with the other hand, and giving my friend and I a long, slow, greedy look.
I began to feel a little hurt. Not for me. But for the other women. The women who were married to men who were gaping at twenty-four-year-olds on park benches. And for the kids who watched their fathers watch young women. These guys might have been really good people. Maybe they were faithful to their girlfriends and wives. I mean, there had to be at least a few who were totally awesome. But there was something pathetic about the way they stared at us. A basic disrespect to their wives, who sometimes caught them looking and whose faces tightened and paces increased.
I was suddenly afraid. I’m getting married in a few months. I grew up with a father who never to my knowledge checked out a woman who wasn’t my mother, and I didn’t know that wasn’t normal. I’ve never seen my fiancé check someone out. I can’t vouch absolutely for when I’m not there, but at least he has the courtesy not to do it in front of me. I imagined him, years and years from now, with a few kids that looked vaguely like some combination of us (lightly freckled and blond with huge Jewish noses), walking by the river, pointing out a sailboat, hoisting the smallest kid onto his big, fatherly shoulders, and turning to check out a couple hot girls in tiny shorts and bright tank tops. In that moment, it felt almost inevitable.
I want to believe that I have the only man in the world who won’t do that. But the percentages speak for themselves.
You might say, “He’s just looking! What’s the big deal?”
I’m not sure I have a great answer. But it’s something about the way the look communicates that these girls have something he wants. And that you, as the girlfriend or the wife, might be losing that thing. After all, he’s looking at very young women. He’s not looking at women his own age.
My mom and I were walking in the city last week and she, laughing, said, “Hey! Those guys should be looking at ME, not you! They’re MY age!” She shook her head at the world.
Which is when I told her the story I just told you.
It’s nice to get checked out sometimes. It feels appreciative. But I’m already preparing myself for never getting checked out again. And nothing can prepare me for my partner checking out the girls who I used to be.
* * * * * *
Un-Roast: Today I love the way I look in a long skirt. I fought against it for a long time, but they really look good on me. Recently, Caronae un-roasted, “My hair is long and thick and wild and sometimes difficult but I feel that it has a sort of passionate beauty, which I love.” And Justine wrote, “My un-roast today is my hands, they let me draw and create, and even though sometimes I think they’re really pale and a bit stumpy, I always remember they’re just like my dad’s and that makes me smile.” What’s yours?
What do you think about the whole checking out issue?
P.S. If you aren’t signed up for email updates, please do that in the pink box! Help me grow Cake!
Bella (Stilettos on the Streetcar) responded on 14 Jun 2010 at 12:21 pm #
Excellent post! I think the sexes view “checking out” very differently. When I’m out with my boyfriend and a guy checks me out, my boyfriend is almost proud. I feel uncomfortable that another man would ogle me when I’m clearly with my boyfriend. That’s a variation of what you’re talking about, but something I thought I’d share.
I think it’s second nature for men to check out the women around them. I’m not saying men get a green light to check out other women while with their girlfriends/wives. I think that’s absolutely disrespectful and shows a lack of self-control. I’m aware that my boyfriend looks at other women when I’m not around, but he would NEVER check someone out while I was with him. I also trust that while he may take a look at a beautiful woman he will always come to home to me.
Cyndi responded on 14 Jun 2010 at 12:26 pm #
First of all, I’m 40 and still get checked out by both younger and older men so no worries, it won’t ever stop. Except if you’re pregnant. Then it stops completely and it sucks.
My husband is a notorious checker-outer, older, younger, any attractive woman will try to sneak a peek without me noticing. It’s a huge problem for me. I think it’s completely disrespectful, and exactly as you said, makes me wonder if he thinks they have something I do not. He’s gotten much better as I will flat out bust him in mid-look and re-hash the whole disrespectful speech. I don’t care who he checks out when I’m not around but when I am around, it’s just ignorant.
One summer at the pool WITH OUR KIDS he was being just ridiculous. He had sun glasses on and thought no one would notice but I did. So I started checking out guys and commenting to my husband on exactly what I found attractive about them. He didn’t like that one bit. And on the rare occasion that I do still bust him checking out another woman I do the same thing again and he stops.
I don’t know why some men are this way and some either are not, or are just better at hiding it.
San D responded on 14 Jun 2010 at 12:33 pm #
OK, it must be said “The lady doth protest too much, me thinks”. How does one reconcile wanting to feel good enough about one’s appearance yet not want anyone of the opposite sex to appreciate your beauty? I then ask the question “are you preening for yourself or for others, but just other women?” Not every man oggles women, but I bet they all appreciate beauty in the female form. Do you not discuss paintings? sculpture? Do you not discuss other women’s beauty? clothing? Do you not comment and even describe men in your blog? Are you advocating burquas? Are you advocating “eyes front”? and lastly, how can you attribute feelings to a look if you don’t know the person’s intent (and that also includes the wives’ reactions)? Should I throw in the biological imperative that has the male species try to mate with as many females as possible to insure his genetic survival? Civilization and more specifically religion has “crafted” human relations to be monogamous to where most societies accept that as the norm. Or do they? Look at the divorce rate.
Averie (LoveVeggiesAndYoga) responded on 14 Jun 2010 at 12:49 pm #
Welcome to my life. I am 5’11″ and blond and suffice to say, since the time i was 10 yrs old, men have been hitting on me. In front of their wives and girlfriends, with my husband and child at my side. It does not matter. I get honked at, whistled at, and generally stared at daily. I have heard the most disgusting comments in my life I wont even tell you, from strangers. Even as i push my baby stroller. I thought it would stop after i became a mom. It doesnt. It’s sick and gross how low some people will go. Their wives hate me. What can I do. I do not want this or invite it..it’s a reflection on the man…and my husband is used to it (sadly). What can he do? He can;t prevent perverts from staring at me or cat-calling or whistling. Omg this post so resonates w/ me. I could write a book. So sorry you had to receive this unwanted attn. It’s my life and I hate it!
Kate responded on 14 Jun 2010 at 1:11 pm #
Thanks for these great comments! I’m learning a lot here
Averie, I’m sorry for your experience! That kind of attention must feel really invasive and gross. Sometimes I feel a little helpless when I get really sexual attention. There are definitely different ways for guys to do it. A smile and a nod is one thing. A catcall and an inappropriate comment is something else completely.
@Cyndi
I love your solution. Give him a taste of his own medicine! It’s good that you can tease him and talk with him about it. The worst is the thought of just standing by some guy’s side in silence as he checks out other women. Ugh.
Kate responded on 14 Jun 2010 at 1:19 pm #
@Bella
Good point. Checking out means different things to different people. I actually don’t mind getting checked out when I’m with my fiance (in fact, I sometimes want this to happen), because it makes him look like he has a really attractive woman. This sort of fails because my fiance is clueless about guys checking me out and NEVER notices. Oh well.
@San D
I don’t know. It seems like if we’re just appreciating beauty all over the place, women should be checking out beautiful men just as much. I definitely enjoy getting checked out sometimes. And there are plenty of single guys out there who are looking around (as they should be), and who aren’t hurting anyone when they check out young women.
But the line needs to be drawn somewhere. Not because I think everyone needs to follow exactly the same rules. If it’s ok with the wife of the man who’s checking out the hot girl, then fine. That’s fine with me. I can’t read everyone’s minds. But I know how I feel about my partner acting that way, and I’ve heard from other women that they are hurt by this behavior. And I’ve seen other women act hurt by it. So something’s gotta give!
Thanks for the counterargument! I hope I answered at least one of your points in a reasonably cogent manner!
Rob (R.M. Levitt) responded on 14 Jun 2010 at 5:53 pm #
@San D: Well said. I agree with your remarks.
@Averie: I’m appalled to hear that! That kind of behavior is disgusting and inexcusable. I wish I could apologize on behalf of men everywhere!
———-
Those of you who have read some of my previous comments on this blog should know that I am by no means an apologist for chauvinistic male behavior! I am offended by it because I feel it makes it easier for others, especially women, to prejudge me and my attitudes and/or intentions on the sole basis of my sex. That’s no different than assuming someone is a gang member or drug dealer just because he’s black.
Speaking only for myself, I do not conspicuously ogle, leer or gawk at others. Regardless of the object or the intent, that would be rude, disrespectful and in some cases confrontational. No one should be made to feel as though their body is being evaluated like goods for sale. Having said that, I do appreciate the aesthetic beauty of the female form and I resent anyone, male or female, who assumes the right to tell me where I can and cannot direct my eyeballs. My body, my choice.
If my partner raises the issue, all I can do is remind her that although she might feel jealous, she has no reason to be. The act of looking doesn’t imply anything but my aesthetic appreciation of what I’m looking at, and although I might occasionally look, I would never touch. It doesn’t mean I love her any less, am less attracted to her, find her wanting or inadequate, or desire someone else over her. If those conditions were true, I wouldn’t be with her. My obvious faithfulness and affection toward her should speak for itself.
My commitment to the woman I love is my affirmation that no matter whom my eyeballs might chance to fall upon, I have already decided that she is the only woman I’m interested in being with. Otherwise I wouldn’t have made a commitment to her in the first place. If she continued to feel jealous despite, then I’m afraid that would be her own issue to work through and she would have no valid complaint against me.
Maybe due to her own self-esteem issues she feels her body is her most valuable asset, and so if my glance happens to fall upon someone she thinks is more physically attractive than herself, it means I’m appreciating that other person in the same terms I appreciate her. That would be incorrect.
I wouldn’t make a commitment to a woman whose body is her most valuable asset or who believes her body is her most valuable asset. For me, trying to compare my beloved to someone I know only on the basis of their outward appearance would be like trying to compare an apple to an orange: that is, there’s no comparison at all, and I would expect my partner to have enough self-esteem to recognize that.
I would of course make every reasonable effort in good faith to avoid hurting her feelings, but out of love, not a sense of obligation. For that good faith toward her I would expect her good faith in return, meaning she would never assume the right to scold, lecture or chastise me like a child if my glance should happen to fall upon another female. As long as I’m not engaging in blatant or repeated leering (which I would never do anyway!) I will accept no blame.
Wei-Wei responded on 14 Jun 2010 at 10:33 pm #
I can honestly say that I’ve never been “checked out” by any guy. Ever. I can’t relate with this post, but I have an opinion about these guys – I don’t think they should be having eyes for anyone beyond their significant other. I mean, they’re “just looking”, but who knows what their intentions are? Maybe I’m just paranoid and protective of any future boyfriend I might have… It seems that I would be prone to being the jealous type.
I wonder how that affects my opinion of the leering men?
Wei-Wei
bobbie responded on 15 Jun 2010 at 8:17 am #
It used to hurt a little when we were dating, but I realize all men are like dogs. Dogs need to smell everything and once in a while [like a lot] leave their scent. As I’ve gotten older [48], fewer men check me out, but it’s kind of freeing. On the other hand, when walking on the beach and an attractive sexy interesting girl walks by, both my husband and I check her out. Why not? We both appreciate beauty.
Beth responded on 15 Jun 2010 at 1:13 pm #
I’m 40 and have been married for 20 years. It doesn’t bother me when my husband checks out another woman. I think it’s natural for us to look at people we find attractive/visually appealing. Now, if he was leering and drooling, that would be different. I’d find that kind of behavior incredibly immature in a 41-year-old man.
My not being bothered may have something to do with the fact that my husband lets me know on a daily basis that he finds me beautiful and sexy, and I also feel very secure in our relationship thanks to 23 years of history and faithfulness on both of our parts.
He also doesn’t mind if another guy checks me out. Nine times out of ten I’m completely oblivious to it, but he will let me know every once in a while that men are looking.
Kate responded on 15 Jun 2010 at 1:16 pm #
@Beth
First of all, good for you for having such a successful marriage! I don’t hear enough stories of successful marriages, and it’s really encouraging.
I think you make an important distinction here. There are different ways of looking at people. And you’re right, some are much, much less ok than others. I’m still not sure I’m ok with the idea of my fiance checking out women in any context, though. That might just be my own insecurity, and I might be unfair and irrational about this. But I feel pretty strongly about it.
Christina (Dinner at Christina's) responded on 15 Jun 2010 at 2:46 pm #
If the guy checking me out is around my age or remotely attractive I become a fumbling, blushing moron. I’m so awkwardly shy I can’t just act normal. This happens regardless if I’m in a relationship or not.
If the guy checking me out is old, unattractive, and rude or derogatory in his looks/actions I become enraged and get a major attitude. This used to happen quite a lot b/c I had a 1966 Mustang for 3 years. I thought it meant I just liked my car and had a right to drive it – apparently to men it meant that I was open to being approached anytime, anywhere, and had all the time in the world to sit and talk w/ them about the car, myself, and any other thing that they wanted to talk about like sports, the weather, etc.
I think b/c I’m such a people watcher myself it has never bothered me if a boyfriend is noticing a girl. Chances are I probably noticed her too, or I was the one who pointed her out to him anyways. Like just this past weekend we were driving and there was this cute girl jogging on the path beside the road. I noticed her way ahead, how her muscles rippled, her bouncy pace, her ponytail moving w/ ea. step, etc. and commented and THEN Johnny saw and agreed “yeah, she’s cute.” haha To me its an observance. Also Johnny will tell me stories from work and it’ll be peppered w/ “the cute waitress,” etc. I think nothing of it and don’t get jealous. I know he thinks I’m beautiful and I know without a shadow of a doubt he’d never do anything disrespectful to our relationship by crossing a line. To me glancing isn’t crossing a line – maybe to others it is, but I personally don’t have a problem w/ it.
A@ Please Don't Eat Me! responded on 16 Jun 2010 at 10:25 am #
first time commenting! i love your site! its cool : )
ummm.. ive been getting hit on since i grew a chest at the tender age of 10- nevermind i was a tiny 10 year old with a chest.. GROSS.
my SIL’s girlfriends wont go out with me, because as they say, i have a “fuck me” face. WTF is that supposed to mean????? do i interfere with a bunch of married ladies play?!
i waitressed for a few years and got hit on all the time by every type of guy, old, young, married, single, mentally unstable (a story goes with that one.. lol), and middle-aged. i learned to have comments such as “you are so beautiful..” “look at your eyes” “baby can i take you home and…” go in one ear and out the other. i go running and get beeped at the whole way. i go walking with my children and get stared at the whole time. other mothers do not let their husbands talk to me (like i want your chubby middle aged balding hubby?!?!?! lol). i typically ignore it because i know im not seeking this kind of attention out. i have a pleasant face, and dont act like a beyotch when people talk to me thats all!
i’ll just take my “fuck me” face and keep going i guess!!!! hahaha
Robert responded on 19 Jun 2010 at 11:59 pm #
First, please take this as kindly as possible. I completely understand that this posting is an expression of your experience and thoughts this day/time. I also understand that it clearly is just a snapshot of those things and in no way encompasses the totality of what you think about the matter. I type my words below understanding this.
-Rob explained much of what I have thought about this subject for years.
-Cyndi, I have to disagree. I have never heard another male say that they do not “check out” or just look at pregnant women. That still happens. You just didn’t notice them, apparently.
-I don’t agree that every single guy was trying to check you and your friend out. Are you kidding me? As Christina showed in her comment, a male looking at a female does not equal checking her out unless you mean by simple virtue that male looking at female makes it checking out when in every other context that male looks at anything it is simply…looking. There’s people watching, looking at the style and clothing of the males/females, observing the behavior of people, RANDOMLY looking around in the direction you’re going, so on and so forth. Yes, “checking females out” does occur. It’s not the only thing that males are doing when they look in the direction of you or any other female, though. To make such blanket assumptions not only negatively stereotypes males, it also makes the females with that view seem pretty neurotic. You say, “But it’s something about the way the look communicates that these girls have something he wants” as though you actually know what he wants or thinks! Are you kidding me? You don’t know. You assume. Look, I realize that you see males looking at you or other females and it can be blatantly creepy/weird at times and that leaves an impression. But for the sake of sanity and the fact that it’s just not true, please stop thinking that all men check all women out. How about all the males that never “checked” you out? Oh, yea. That’s right. You didn’t notice them. You were too busy noticing the ones that were looking near-enough to you that you could make the assumption that all the others you had not specifically identified were doing the same. Go ahead and NOT make that assumption, please. And I’ll continue NOT making all kinds of assumptions about you and the females I encounter. The number I encounter is not and never will be every single female and to assume that the skewed sample I encounter is in any way representative of EVERY female is greatly erroneous. Neither will I assume their thoughts/intentions. That kind of thinking props up inequalities, inaccuracies, ignorance and conflicts. I choose to NOT promote that. I hope you choose not to also.
-A@ Please Don’t Eat Me!, I know that you can’t know if there’s an ulterior motive to a compliment given to you, but please try not to forget that sometimes a compliment is just a compliment. If your eyes are craptastic, then I have to agree that a compliment to them may be a way for a guy to hit on you. If they really are vibrant eyes, then please remember that some of the compliments toward them or any other aspect of your attire or “get-up” may actually be just a compliment.
bro j simpson responded on 21 Jun 2010 at 11:15 pm #
I think it is more about the approach that makes it OK or not OK. Like when I see a hot chick I’m not gonna just stare at her. I’m gonna stare and say something like “I’d buy that for a dollar” or “ay. Ay. Ay. Shawty whatchonameis?”. U smell me? I smell like money. And that’s why I gets the girls.
@ rob. When I find a girl who only values herself for her body I’m like sweet. Cuz she’s probably hot.
jenna responded on 16 Feb 2011 at 5:24 am #
Part of why it feels transgressive, I think, is the implication that you’re there for them to look at. That their approval of how you look is why you’re dressed up. I’ve personally found that it’s incredibly hard to articulate to men how the way someone looks at you can make you feel threatened. I do not mean that all males look at women this way, most don’t trigger any safety warnings, but there are men out there who look at women in a way that objectifies them.
Krys responded on 21 Jan 2012 at 11:11 pm #
Great post Kate. I have a few questions for people who think its okay for men to do this for whatever reason.
1. When you have daughters, do you think its ok for your husband to check out other women in front of them? You think thats setting a good example? Come on girls, we know our daddies are the first men we fall in love with. How aweful would that be?
2. When your 8 months pregnant standing in line at the grocery store, pushing 170LBS, tired and exhausted, you think its okay for your bf/hubbie to check out other women in front of you? You would support this at that given time?
3. When youre in your 40s/50s and your daughter brings him that hot little 19y/o friend, you think its okay for your hubbie to check her out? Him looking at women half your age would not bother you?
WTF is wrong with you people?
These are just few examples of how wrong it is to do something like that! Everyone assumes its jealousy or insecurity and its NOT! Just like the Rob guy who posted, men love to put this on us as OUR problem-we have low self esteem, we need to feel better about ourselves, blah blah blah. Its just embarrassing and humiliating and reflects negatively on your as a woman. And Im not standing on the side of some man while he does that.
This blog post was a long time ago and now Kate, youve been married for a while. Any updates on this situation? Has Bear changed in this department since you tied the knot? Would love to have another post on this subject since the issue affects nearly all relationships.
Krys responded on 21 Jan 2012 at 11:13 pm #
****Brings HOME, not him, HOME that hot little…..