A quick test to find out how much you care about beauty
(image source here)
How much of your identity is based on your beauty?
This may be an impossible question to answer. Or your answer may change all the time.
The ideal relationship of beauty to identity for me might work like this, through a conversation between two people who know me casually (as most people do, because I’m so famous):
Person 1: That Kate is really cool, isn’t she? She leads such an awesome, interesting life.
Person 2: Damn right! She’s amazing. I wish I could do what she does. She’s got so much guts and personality it’s crazy.
Person 1: Yeah, crazy, man. Totally insane.
Person 2: I’m telling you, one day I hope my kids grow up just like her.
Person 1: Exactly. Everyone in the world should be like her.
Person 2: Oh, and she’s beautiful.
Person 1: Definitely. Got her own look, and she totally rocks it.
Like that. More people should be having that exact conversation about me. Every day. Ok, ok, blatant arrogance aside, my looks shouldn’t be the point. They should play a decidedly supportive role.
But here’s the thing: sometimes it just seems like life would be infinitely easier if my beauty was the star in the show that is my identity. If you’re obviously, breathtakingly, fantastically, exorbitantly beautiful, then people already consider you a success, before you do anything else. Or anything, really. Since it’s not as though you have to work very hard to be born with naturally astounding good looks.
Which brings me to an important observation about life: we live in a world where people are constantly celebrated for stuff they had nothing to do with. Being born into a rich family. Getting a lucky break. Being cast on a popular TV show because their mom dragged them to every audition when they were three. Being freakishly flexible and having naturally good balance (the circus just snaps those people up). Being really, really gorgeous.
(image source here)
Sometimes it gets a little annoying. Especially when you’re working hard.
I wonder, though, if it’s kind of boring, getting somewhere you never tried to go in the first place. You might feel entitled. Or like you won the lottery. But you might also never learn what it feels like to create your own success.
When I think more carefully about the whole issue, I always ask myself this expertly worded and well thought out question:
If you could be a successful writer or a woman who was stunningly stereotypically beautiful, which would you be?
I pick writer every time.
* * * *
Well, which would you be?(It doesn’t have to be a writer, by the way. Can be anything you value that involves a lot of work)
Un-roast: Today I love my butt. I was going to try to come up with something more detailed and appropriate-sounding, but I decided to just be honest. It’s really round and perky. Sir Mixalot would definitely call it “healthy.” (By the way, I just saw that music video for the first time, because I’m really out of touch with the world, and he’s definitely standing on a giant butt. It’s sort of amazing.) Anyway, I don’t get to see my butt very much, because that is the unfortunate set up of the anatomy, but when I make an effort and look over my shoulder in the mirror, as I did today, it always cheers me right up.
Kate on July 12th 2010 in beauty
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday responded on 12 Jul 2010 at 10:33 am #
Instinctively I would say writer. I didn’t even have to give it a second thought.
…then I gave it a second thought and wondered about all the things that beautiful people seem to get away with and the star treatment that beautiful people seem to get over us average janes…
and I still pick writer.
Charlotte responded on 12 Jul 2010 at 10:36 am #
Oh, one of my favorite questions to ask my friends is a variation of yours: Would you rather be twice as smart or twice as beautiful?
Almost all, myself included, opt for the latter. I still stick to it. My justification has always been that life would be easier to live if I was twice as beautiful, whereas it would be more difficult if I was twice as intelligent. Being overly intelligent can be quite lonely and alienating (I’m not talking from my own experience, but rather based on my observations of others’). Mental and emotional intimacy with other humans is a huge aspect of what makes us thrive, and for that reason we tend to make our most meaningful relationships with people who are somewhat equivalent in those aspects. In a society where one’s intelligence level is significantly higher than the norm, it’s also easy for her “gift” to go unrecognized or wasted. There’s simply not a place for it. I always imagined that if I was a genius I would look at the world despairingly.
On the other hand, everybody loves a looker! If intelligence doesn’t get you as far as it should, beauty embodies the opposite – people value it waaaay more than other aspects, so you can really get a lot out of being good looking. People will just like you more! And give you free stuff!
I think my answer is simplistic in that I’m overlooking the psychological effects that would no-doubt fester in a mind such as my own if I was stunningly beautiful. But would I change my response? Hell no!
Kate responded on 12 Jul 2010 at 10:45 am #
@Charlotte
Ha! I hear you. I think “writer” is also a specific goal for me. If I asked myself your question, it’d be a little bit harder…It might be a draw. I’d want whichever made me happier, and it’s not quite clear which one that is.
V responded on 12 Jul 2010 at 10:57 am #
A writer, for sure. I’ve spent my life having people tell me I’m beautiful, and because of it, a group of rich, fashionable, and pretty girls in college “adopted” me even though I don’t get along particularly well with any of them one-on-one. We recently had a 5-year “reunion,” and one of the girls paid me compliments on my looks the whole weekend, though we never once had a conversation of substance. Because I had this experience at a very insecure time of my life, my self-worth got tied up in my appearance (when before, it had been tied to my hobbies/pursuits and meaningful friendships) and I developed disordered eating habits that I’m still fighting with today. If I could do it all over again I’d break away from that group and make the type of friendships that I had in high school (and now have again)—those based on conversation, mutual interest, and shared laughter. Not “we’re a pretty group of girls look how cute we look together.” I am a firm believer that beauty is overrated.
Wei-Wei responded on 12 Jul 2010 at 11:24 am #
I have to admit: I’m torn. I don’t think I’m a particularly good writer and if I would ever pursue it as a career, but I wouldn’t pursue, say, modelling as a career, either. Being liked for your beauty is universal; being liked for your writing skills depends on personal taste, bias, and even prejudice. Some people may find my writing boring; some may find it offensive. But who would object to eye candy?
It’s tempting to say that I’m totally confident in myself and that I’ve overcome my desire to look good, but I’m not, and I haven’t. And that’s the honest truth. Trust me. I’m workin’ on it.
Today, I love my calves. I’ve always been creepily looking at other people’s calf muscles. I love how strong they look, and when I stand on my tiptoes the ball of muscle shows. And it looks awesome. And I can stand on demi-pointe for really long, so I credit my calf muscles.
Wei-Wei
zoe responded on 12 Jul 2010 at 1:26 pm #
good question.
i admit i thought about it for a second. i think i’ve spent the majority of my life under the influence of society, meaning i never once thought of myself as “good enough”. do i think i am stereotypically beautiful? no. i am not tall. i am not blonde. i do not have straight hair. but do i actually want to be a stereotypically beautiful woman? honestly? not at all. i don’t want to be anything stereotypical. to me, the word stereotypical is synonymous with the word boring. i think i am beautiful as is. i love my curves and i love my curly dark hair. i think our differences are what makes us beautiful. beauty resides in each and every person. rediscover for yourself what beauty is and what beauty means. it’s really just a matter of freeing oneself from the ideas (concerning beauty) our society shoves down our throats.
and i think the fact that i am a creative writing major and absolutely love words might have influenced my decision on this question
San D responded on 12 Jul 2010 at 5:13 pm #
Why should someone who is achingly beautiful be punished for genetics? My genetics have made me short and plump, and no matter how I try I will never be tall, thin or conventionally (or even unconventionally) beautiful. That said, there are people who have been blessed and perhaps cursed with beauty. What must it be like to be fawned over? To not be taken seriously? To be stared at? To be distained by others for that which comes naturally? To become a great writer is a feat that requires a certain skill set that can be achieved (in certain genres of writing) through hard work. No matter how I work at it, I will still be short, and plump, and old(ish). So, to me the posed question of “would you rather be beautiful or a great writer” is asking whether I would like to be an orange or an apple, in the great fruit salad of life.
Cindy responded on 12 Jul 2010 at 5:23 pm #
i just wanted to be an astronaut, so I don’t know how to answer your queary~
hehe
I think it’s the oddest thing, to accept what we are, what gifts we were each specifically given, and use them for the greater good of humanity.
instead we spend so much of our lives, pining after what someone else has..
I spent my childhood being that “china doll” everyone feared I’d chip and be useless to the world…all while my brothers got to play, ride motorcycles and make messes.
drove me to insanity.
so to honestly answer your question, I’d rather DO than BE.
make sense? the outer packaging is just that. I’d rather be recognized for what I can do do do than for a smile or a nice legs.
xoxoxo
Kate responded on 12 Jul 2010 at 5:46 pm #
@Cindy
I love this answer. Doing, rather than being (in this context), is a great idea. I don’t think I quite know how yet. But it’s definitely something to aspire to.
I wanted to be an astronaut too. Check out my post from a few days ago
DaliSalvadorAde responded on 12 Jul 2010 at 6:27 pm #
Like wei-wei, I am torn on this. The example of a “perfect” conversation you gave above is something I always experience. And seriously, I am not trying to sound pompous in the least, but I am always complimented on my exciting personality, my intelligence, my eloquence, my style sense…but rarely on my beauty.
And I hate that it bothers me because I feel SO shallow. I should just take the great things people say about me and run with it, especially since what they compliment me on is what you could say has “depth.” However, there lingers an innate desire for someone to just tell me that I’m beautiful. That’s it! Haha. So even though I may appear to be a person who doesn’t care for the superficial, I have a superficial desire to be the “drop-dead gorgeous” chic in the room.
I tell you, I feel I live a contradictory life on a regular basis.
Justine responded on 12 Jul 2010 at 8:23 pm #
I think about this all the time, not as much the beauty vs. talent thing, but the people who are born with things that the world somehow deems as making them “better than” even though they have done nothing to deserve it.
I’m really talking about people who are born rich or incredibly attractive, to me those are the two things that really shouldn’t warrant praise or attention, but they always do, and it makes me resentful. I try really hard to tell myself that there are many people who are worse off than me and that I’m really lucky and should shut up, but I can’t help but fantasize about what it would have been like to have been born wealthy and never had to worry about money. I always wonder if those who are born with privilege can appreciate that they don’t have to stay up at night worrying about paying bills, probably not.
bobbie responded on 12 Jul 2010 at 10:09 pm #
I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Look at Meryl Streep. Her acting is excellent and her looks are secondary. I think that’s the point. The more you get to know someone, the more beautiful they become. It goes the other way too. A really gorgeous person can slowly [or quickly] become ugly the longer you get to know them [based on their behavior]. I think I would choose to be an attractive person with a number of POTENTIAL talents. It’s a hard world out there for unattractive women – alas, not for men.
Gem responded on 15 Jul 2010 at 10:43 pm #
As much as I want to be incredibly beautiful, I want even more to be incredibly smart. And successful. Because after that, who cares? You get what you want anyway. But I like the idea of reminding myself of that by asking the question you asked.
meerkat responded on 17 Jul 2010 at 9:15 am #
Beauty is tempting but I can’t pass up success in a field I like. The twice as smart vs. twice as pretty is harder, until I remember that twice a very small number is still a pretty small number so I would go with twice as smart.
Shyra responded on 20 Jul 2010 at 2:57 pm #
@Kate today I’m feeling a lot arrogant so I would have to say a successful writer because I’m already beautiful.
Kate responded on 20 Jul 2010 at 4:24 pm #
@Shyra
Way to go
Jen responded on 21 Jul 2010 at 5:49 pm #
Once when I was young I realized that I was smart and could write fairly well but unfortunately that did not make me the most popular girl in my class if you know what I mean. I remember imagining some sort of ethereal carnival wish-granting machine which would grant me only one talent: either a beautiful voice and the ability to move gracefully or the ability to be a great writer. I imagined I would decide on being a great writer because that would withstand the test of time. As far as looks go at that time I thought I was hideous, but when I look back at pictures I was fairly normal.
Besides, you can always buy pretty if you are smart enough. You cannot buy smart. Or the ability to use a semicolon properly.