Most People Think You Are Already Too Old To Be Hot
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We live in a culture that thinks being young is definitely better than being old. I know, “culture” can’t “think.” People think. Culture is a bunch of people thinking. And they think that being young and tight-skinned and sexy is where it’s at. When I was a kid, the pop stars and movie stars and models all seemed appropriately much, much older. Suddenly, in the past few years, it occurs to me that they’re my age. Wait—they’re younger than me. They’re teenagers. They’re kids. Lady Gaga and I are the same age. But she can wear shoes that are taller than five pairs of my shoes stacked on top of one another. She’s gone beyond me. At twenty-four, I feel old. I feel like I haven’t accomplished nearly enough.
And in some ways, it’s worse for women. Because after you turn thirty, you’re not very desirable anymore. Or at least, that’s what online dating research shows (and you should read this article, because it is amazing). As men get older, they want to date younger and younger women. As the women get older they want to date…men. In other words, men get picky, and women stay pretty open minded. Although the fact that men exaggerate their incomes more lavishly the older they get suggests that they at least feel as though women care a lot about how much money they make. And maybe women do care. So we run into the old stereotype: women want rich men, men want hot women. Oy vey.
But I look around, and the world isn’t full of stereotypes, it’s full of people. And here in Manhattan, the universal capital of female hotness and male richness (as well as the other way around), there are a lot of people who don’t appear to be looking for those two things at all. In fact, most of the people I meet are focusing on other things. They are working for non-profits and nerding it up at grad student conferences and dressing in funky, indie, clunky clothes. They don’t list their income on dating sites at all, because that just feels tacky, and they put up photos of themselves that aren’t supposed to look particularly sexy (I know that’s what I did when I signed up for a dating site). A lot of my women friends don’t want to get married anytime soon (if at all). The guys I know say the same thing. But I also know plenty of people my age who are engaged or recently married. And they are smart and ambitious and brave.
Sometimes I read things about what most people are thinking or doing, and I get scared. I think we’re trained to get scared. I feel relieved. Phew—I found a man early! I don’t have to worry about being an ancient spinster at thirty-one! I’m safe. I remember how little other than that I’ve accomplished. Why am I not already a pop star? Lady Gaga did it, what’s wrong with me? That guy who invented Facebook was like 19 when he thought of it. I’m such a failure. My skin is already starting to sag! My Gossip Girl days never even happened, and they are over. Oh my god. It’s all over…
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But then it occurs to me that I don’t even like most people. I never have. I don’t like the books they read, or the shows they watch, or the things they like to do for fun. So this “most people” who goes around judging everyone else, and eliminating women right and left for not being young and sexy enough and men for not having the sleekest cars—why should I be bothered by it?
I didn’t “find a man” early. I fell in love at the right time for me. My skin is doing whatever it’s doing because that’s the way my genes are, and it’s really a waste of time feeling bad about that, because my genes also make me who I am, and who I am is a person who really, really appreciates fruit and berry pies, and who fantasizes about mountain ranges, and who does things I agree with most of the time.
Sometimes people say, “I don’t care about that at all,” and I tease them. Like I tease my fiancé when he talks about how ridiculous it is that anyone cares about clothes. Of course we care about clothes! We all have to wear them, and because we all wear them, they’re going to signify things, and have meaning, and it’s pointless to argue that they shouldn’t because that is just the way it is and we all have to deal with it. Unless you’re the woman I saw on the subway the other day wearing an outfit composed entirely of pineapple print fabric.
We all live in the world. And we have to deal with what other people think, and certainly with what “most people” think. But I have to believe that even “most people” might end up with a women in her thirties or a man who doesn’t make much money, if only “most people” would stumble into a situation that allowed them to see these people in a slightly different way. And even if that never happens, there are plenty of us out there, even here, in Manhattan, living quirky lives that don’t involve enormously tall shoes, and that don’t have a deadline or an exact prescription for success.
And when I went to the dermatologist I pointed out to him that the Botox ad in the examination room showed a woman in her early twenties wrinkling and unwrinkling her brow for the before and after shots. “What sort of message does that send?” I asked him. (You know, I’m a vigilante for gender justice.)
“Oh yeah,” he said, “I know. We get twenty-four-year-olds in here all the time, getting Botox.”
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Un-roast: Today I love the lines around my mouth when I smile. They’re going to be there forever, and good for them! Also, my quiche is getting even better! I put feta in it last night, and little pieces of prosciutto.
P.S. You know those E*Trade commercials with the babies that talk in adult voices? And Evian’s roller skating babies? Seriously, how much younger can we get?? 
Kate on August 30th 2010 in beauty, being different, feminism, life, new york
Amy responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 12:35 pm #
I’m going to be 50 this year so I am particularly amused by this post. You know how you look back on teenagers worrying about certain stuff that you worried about as a teenager and you think – ‘oh geez…I remember that. I wish I knew then what I know now. i wouldn’t have worried about it at all!’ Well, that’s how I feel when I hear younger people worrying about their skin starting to sag and wrinkles and….all of it. It is upsetting. It is depressing. No doubt. Especially if you believe that you are unloveable unless you are anorexic and 18. Here’s the good news. Everybody is worried. Everybody is worried about not being going enough in some way. No one is probably as insecure as the models we look to — because they are defined by their beauty!! thank g-d that’s not us :0)
So, when I look in the mirror now and see lines or sags that I didn’t have a week ago…I just remember that when I’m 80 I’m going to wish that I could look the way I look and feel now…and then I feel great.
Keep this post of yours. Someday you will look back on it and laugh. Not in a mocking way…but just in the same way you do when you hear teenagers worry about worries you’ve left behind.
Amy
AnnaD responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 12:40 pm #
Kate, you made me remember a book excerpt I read for a Union class – I think it was by Benjamin Barber about the current American marketing world, the infantilization of adults as consumers, and how children & even babies are the top marketing demographics to appeal to. It says a lot about how youth culture (the desire to be young, that is) in our country is moving into really absurd stages! I think the book is titled Consumed.
Kate responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 12:42 pm #
@AnnaD
Thanks for the recommendation! And good memory. I don’t think I remember the name of a single book I read in school. And yeah, it doesn’t get much younger or more absurd than babies talking in baritones.
caronae responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 12:43 pm #
I am only 20 (almost 21 though, I swear!) so perhaps I am not in the best position to comment here. But I agree with everything you have said and despise the anti-aging stance “our culture” (“those people”) have taken. I once wrote a letter to Oprah magazine about it. I think we need to learn how to find beauty in our emotions and minds and personalities. not our bodies.
That said, I am also dating a 29 year old man and I am positive that part of the allure, for him, is my youth. And I feel guilty for taking him away from some lovely woman in her late twenties who wants to fall in love and get married and settle down. I am a younger woman and I feel guilty about it. Maybe I should just let it be, since I’m enjoying it. Hmmm….
Un-roast: Today I like the fact that I was unafraid of my body this weekend when I was with a man.
Kate responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 12:43 pm #
@Amy
I’m glad you’re amused! I want to be amused at 50, too! Hopefully long before, even.
San D responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 1:03 pm #
I think it was ever thus. If YOU think everyone looks younger, I think I have shoes older than everyone out there, and some kids I have pantyhose that is older. At 61, I am just happy nothing hurts, or is sagging so much that gets in the way of doing stuff. I was never a “body beautiful” person, always a “mind beautiful” person, so as I age, my focus is on keeping the mind from sagging. As for wondering about accomplishments, my “list” of what I wanted to do always grew as I got older, but that said, I was continually (and still am) crossing things off as I do them and adding new adventures. As an “A” personality so often a trait of first borns, I have always had goals, but they were always realistic. For example I would never presume to be an gymnast but I think if I set a goal to become a magician, I could do it. (David Blaine doesn’t have anything to worry about, I don’t want to be a magician). The key is asking yourself “why not?” and not “why didn’t I?”
Virginia responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 1:18 pm #
I love this post! I was just thinking about aging the other day when an older man hit on me at a restaurant. It made me feel a little sad and it was wonderful to see your post and know that I am not alone in feeling that there is something wrong with our youth obsessed culture.
McKella responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 2:04 pm #
I think it’s interesting how our culture views age. In most areas of the world, age is respected because it signifies wisdom and experience. In our culture, we yell at older people who drive slow and we moan about wrinkles and gray hairs, those little signs of wisdom showing up in our appearance. No one wants to accept that bodies change. Why is only stage of life beautiful instead of the whole thing?
Amy responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 2:22 pm #
I love this post, as well as Amy’s comment. I think about how awful I felt about my body after my first baby, and well, looking back after baby number three, I can’t believe how overly critical I was of myself. As I approach the big 30, I have to say, it is a bit daunting- more because I have so many goals I’d like to have reached- but know when I turn 50, twenty years from then, I will laugh about worrying about those fine lines forming on my face. There are so many more important things to focus on– maybe we are all people who just love displacement
Ashley responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 2:55 pm #
This is such a great post. I just turned 26 and I know exactly what you mean. I can’t believe Lady Gaga is younger than me! And someone told me on a forum the other day that they couldn’t believe I am a model because I am “over the hill” in the modeling industry, which unfortunately, is true but according to them, “I look 18ish” which puts me at my prime, I guess. Lol it’s just so weird to be called over the hill at 26. I can always call my mom or grandma to slap me with a reality check that I am still a wee one.
rachel responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 2:58 pm #
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want the way people look at me to be based on sexual value. If every year after 18 is a step away from hotness, I’d be glad to know I can soon buy a dress without regard to how much cleavage it shows. I don’t see that happening. What I find much more upsetting than losing “hotness” is the burden it places on women, especially young women and teenagers.
(I’m resisting the urge to turn this into a Marxist-Feminist Rant, but I bet you can guess what that’d be.)
Cindy responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 3:21 pm #
It’s been on my mind a lot, that I’ve turned that corner. I actually turned it along time ago but my head was in denial.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll never feel like I accomplished a lot…or became anything deserving of a parade. I am just here…living my life…loving the people in my life….and age happens.
Not that it’s horrible; but that whole “hotness” thing has always exhausted me. I never liked the attention men gave me anyways, and now that my young-ness is changing by the day, part of me is relieved …SHEW..I can move on now..and part of me feels like I wasted so much mental energy trying to escape my youth and now that it’s dwindling…NOW I think I might want it back.
I need a therapist.
this post really makes me think!
xoxo
zoe responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 6:28 pm #
in class the other day my (amazing) creative writing teacher told us this little gem of information: for the first time in history, our culture values youth and beauty over wisdom and age. the comment really struck me. if you asked someone whether wisdom or beauty mattered more to them personally, i am pretty sure the response would be wisdom. beauty fades, after all. brains last.
and really, i should say conventional beauty fades. because looks do not solely make a person beautiful. and youth does not solely make a person beautiful, either. our “culture” definitely knows this yet we all pretend like we don’t. we all pretend like we care so much about looks when, in reality, i’m pretty sure only a select few of us honestly believe looks matter 100%. if we all copped to the truth, i’m pretty sure we’d all be much happier and at ease with ourselves and our bodies. i only in my early 20′s now and am already so sick of the obsession around appearance. people tell me this is the time of my life but dang, i want every moment at every age to be the time of my life, regardless of how i look.
un-roast: today i love being me. because being me entailed being my friendly, light self at work which created a more relaxed and fun atmosphere. and i’m pretty sure it scored us more tips. oh, and i love the crows feet forming around my eyes. they may not be fully matured but they just prove how much i’ve smiled and laughed in my short almost 21 years.
Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 11:07 pm #
Thanks for debunking the myth that older woman aren’t hot. It’s utter nonsense. I’m living proof that women over 30 (even over 40 ahem) are hot. It’s a state of mind isn’t it? Trouble is we are also fiesty and opinionated. Maybe that’s why some men steer clear… probably for the best.
Erika @ Health and Happiness in LA responded on 30 Aug 2010 at 11:28 pm #
I totally know what you mean about the sudden realization that pop stars are your age or younger. It’s so weird.
I worry a lot about getting older, which I realize is kind of ridiculous, seeing as I’m 21. But I’m an actress and I see people all the time who are my age or younger and SO FAR beyond me career-wise because they’ve been acting professionally since they were kids. I didn’t move out to LA until after college, so I’m “behind.” So yeah, growing older is stressful in an extremely youth-oriented business.
Wei-Wei responded on 31 Aug 2010 at 12:25 am #
I’m only fifteen, and I feel the pressure to be OLDER. I’m a sophomore, and I feel like I dress like a middle schooler. No style, at all. I basically have no fashion sense, no matter how much research I do. Isn’t that sad? Doing research? I asked my mom once – at what age do women want to stop looking older and start wanting to look younger? She doesn’t know. I don’t know, either.
Ragen Chastain responded on 31 Aug 2010 at 2:02 am #
I love this post. I had a friend who talked about how her life was over because she was 39. It drove me completely crazy! I know people in the 40′s, 50′s, and 60′s who are getting married. If we refuse to buy into the “youth and beauty” story and start looking for mates who care about something else, we’ll find them.
Kate responded on 31 Aug 2010 at 8:55 am #
I LOVE this post…especially since I am 10 years older than you! Many of the “hot” young things look pretty frightening and plastic up close…it’s a little sad…I hope that they are able to relax and enjoy being in their skin as they get older. Gravity may not be my friend anymore, but who needs “hot?” I am f*cking phenomenal!
Jewel of Toronto responded on 31 Aug 2010 at 10:04 am #
I am 35 and I feel better about myself than I ever have. I feel sexy, fit and confident as well as a little older and wiser (though still immature). This has nothing to do with male attention but with a state of mind and finally giving myself the freedom to just be ME.
I don’t want to be 18 or 21 or even 30. I like me now and I have a feeling I am going to like me even more on the other side of 40.
Ladies, aging does get easier and Wei-Wei, the great thing about getting older is that you don’t have to worry about it, it just happens on its own.
MWN responded on 31 Aug 2010 at 10:55 am #
Great post! Some lines were poetic. (“But I look around, and the world isn’t full of stereotypes, it’s full of people.”)