Eat the Damn Cake

Today’s post is from Jen, the massage therapist who gave me my first massage, and who I mentioned in this post, called “Touched by a stranger.” Her practice is called StressLess, NYC, and she’s great at what she does. Thank you so much for this, Jen!!

“Oh God, please don’t let her think that I’m fat.”

That is what I am wasting my time thinking as I wait for my first massage to begin.  I am preoccupied with the idea that someone will be looking at me naked for an entire hour.  I imagine a clinical, appraising kind of gaze that will size me up, and probably find me lacking.  I imagine that the massage therapist will be somehow “grossed out” by having to touch and feel me, as if there is something inherently wrong with me.  Additionally, I am operating under the misapprehension that somehow not only my physical flaws, but my psychological ones will be obvious to the touch.

Amazing that I even showed up to have this massage in the first place, really, considering what I thought I was up against.  I should give myself some bravery points.

“Tell me what is going on with your body.”

That was her first question to me.  I had no idea what that meant.  “I don’t know, I’m just here for a massage.” That was all that I could muster.  She asked some more questions—does anything hurt, do I have any goals for the session…stuff like that.  Things I ask all the time now that I am a massage therapist myself, but back then, I didn’t even have a sense of my physical self enough to know the answers to these questions.

These fears and thoughts faded once the massage started—after all, who cares if she thinks I am fat when a massage feels like THAT?!  I was really hooked from the first second.  I tried hard to follow her hands in my mind to memorize what it felt like since I never wanted it to stop.  Like everyone who is stressed out and doesn’t even know it, I fell asleep immediately.  I was upset because I thought I “missed my massage”, but I still felt great afterwards.  I came back again and again, until I knew the answers to “what is going on with your body today” (even though the question still felt embarrassing).  I came back until I could tell that most of the time I hold my breath.  I came back until I had an awareness of physical patterns I created.  I noticed that everything got better—I felt less tired after a massage, I could sing better, and oh yeah, that 7 year tendinitis that I had in my right wrist went away sans Advil.  I stopped wondering if she thought I was fat, and I started feeling so much better about myself physically.  I kept coming back until I felt like I wanted to know how the hell she was doing all that while I was sleeping.

I went to massage school sometime after that.  I didn’t know that I would be taking classes in Anatomy, Neurology, Pathology and Assessment.  After all, massage seems so hippie-ish that you really don’t think that anything “clinical” is happening.  I was always amazed that my massage therapist knew where things were or what hurt or what to do with what I told her…but I thought…well, I just thought it was magic, I guess.  Intuition.  That is, of course, part of it—the art of massage, if you will—but the science is very real too.  The more I learned about the inner workings of the body, the more amazing I realized it was.  I thought, wow, there is so much that could go wrong here—and yet, most of the time, it all works.  If you are fortunate, most of the time your bodily processes carry on without you.  When they don’t, you notice it in the form of utter misery.  I had never given thought to what a disease process was, or how thankful I should be that my body was working properly (despite minor inconveniences and injuries).

Eventually, I realized that I felt shame for having body shame in the first place. Was the best thing I could think about myself really  “Oh God, I hope she doesn’t think I am fat”?  Granted, there is a multi-million dollar industry dedicated to making sure we feel that way about ourselves (men as well as women)…but I had consented.  So I tried to start thinking this way, “Wow, I am glad that all the millions of chemical processes that happen per minute in my body were working properly today”.  I wanted that to be my definition of whether or not I had a so-called “good” body.

When I went to massage school, I wrote an essay for entrance about the political significance of having good self-esteem.  In it, I suggested that there should be a “body positive revolution” in which everyone reclaims their positive regard for themselves and stops listening to the cultural noise that tells us all that we are “less than we should be” in terms of beauty, success, intelligence, whatever.  I actually do believe in this—if we all had positive self-regard, I genuinely think it would decrease some social ills.  At the very least, we would have so much more time on our hands!  The comedian Margaret Cho has said in one of her routines that she estimates that she would have at least 90 more minutes a week if she would stop looking at her reflection in store fronts and pausing to tell herself “wow, I look fat”.  She says she could take a pottery class!  This is both heart-rending and funny because it is a total waste of time, energy, and money to tell yourself that you are (fill in the blank)…somehow not good enough.  Can you imagine the products you would not buy, the thoughts you would not think, the articles you would not read, the things you would find courage to pursue if you did not tell yourself this falsehood every day? I hoped, and continue to hope, that my massage work helps people not only recover from injuries and reduce their stress, but also to feel better about themselves through the positive effects of non-sexual, approving touch.  There is no reason for anyone to limit their lives or feel “gross” or “apologetic” about their body.  We all obviously have our sexual preferences for partners, but that does not mean that we have a reason to judge anyone else as “gross”—that type of judgment is simply non-factual and a waste of energy.  I would love to see more people claim that reality.

I wish I could say that every single day I feel great about myself and think I am fabulous and good enough already.  That is not reality—but I can say how much it has improved through effort, education, massage, and just plain refusal to accept that I am not “good enough”.  I have made major strides and it is my goal to help others to do the same.  It takes time, effort and patience, but it is definitely possible and I genuinely believe that it helps more than just you—I believe it helps the community. The more people who are out there believing in themselves and feeling good about life and it’s possibilities and realizing that their body is the precious resource that it is…well, the more people out there spreading the words of the Body Positive Revolution.

With that kind of philosophy…we could…dare I say it?….rule the world.

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Jen’s Un-Roast: Today I love the fact that having a circle friends relieves you from the burden of having to know everything.  That going it alone thing really can get tedious.

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And please, while you’re thinking about a body positive revolution, check out this contest, called LOVED BODIES, BIG IDEAS, about changing the world. Noel sent the info. She said, “Saw this today and thought of you and everyone contributing to/commenting on Eat the Damn Cake. I feel like the ETDC community would have lots of great ideas to contribute!” That’s right. You guys rock.