Things I don’t understand about women
Sometimes I look at other women and am awed by all of the things that they know how to do, that I don’t even come close to understanding. Like:
How they wear thin white long-sleeved shirts when it’s really warm and don’t get giant sweat stains under the armpits.
How they wear high heels when they have to walk places
How they get eyeliner to make those thick, uninterrupted lines around their eyes, without showing skin on that little ledge the inside of the lid makes along the bottom of the eyeball. Or without poking their eyeballs with the pencil.
How they look graceful.
How they exercise all the time.
How they diet all the time.
How they volunteer at their children’s schools so much, even though they’re already incredibly busy. (The NY Times had an article called “Frazzled Mom’s Push Back Against Volunteering” that I wanted to link here as a counterpoint. But it told me I had to log in to read it. Which is weird, because I definitely read it online before. And I didn’t want to make anyone who clicked on the link here have to set up a Times online log in. So I decided to write this really long, unnecessary parenthetical, rather than just leaving it well alone.)
How they remember to buy holiday gifts for everyone in the family.
How they make and send out holiday cards to everyone they know.
How they write down and save everyone’s mailing address.
How their noses aren’t always running when it’s cold out.
How they get their hearts broken by men who aren’t nearly as clever or motivated as they are.
How they always manage to have new clothing.
How they are always wearing different outfits, even if you see them all the time.
How they look cute in flats.
How their breasts are sometimes big when their arms are skinny.
How they wear chunky necklaces without any trace of self-consciousness.
How their hair goes up smoothly in a ponytail, without awkward bumpy patches or frazzled strands sticking out.
How they rarely have an eyelash on their cheek or unruly eyebrow hairs.
How they know what to do with their hands when they’re just standing around.
(I might be able to wear this one without immediately sweating through it, since it’s so loose…But I’d probably stain it the first time I ate something in it. Source)
* * *
Un-roast: Today I love the way I look in lots of wintery layers. Especially if ribbed tights are involved. It doesn’t actually even matter how I look in these tights. They’re so awesome and quintessentially winter that I am happy just from looking down and seeing them on my legs.
P.S. I saw the movie “The King’s Speech,” which was a great movie, but it was a sort of devastating cinematic moment when Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle are reunited onscreen, so many years after the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice, and she’s in this tiny supporting role, and he’s the focus of the movie, playing the title character (I wish I could use the word “eponymous” here, but it doesn’t work). Without researching their careers or really having any information on the matter, I jump to conclusions like: she didn’t have the right Hollywood look, and so her career didn’t skyrocket the way his did. He didn’t have to have the right look, because he’s a guy. Purely speculative. But the whole thing–seeing them facing one another for a meaningless few seconds– felt the smallest bit tragic. I clearly watched Pride and Prejudice way too many times as a child.
P.P.S. Breaking news: Dreidel is now a competitive sport. Check out this youtube video report for proof. My mother-in-law knows the guy who won the major league dreidel competition. I could probably get his autograph, if I asked. Not that he has time to sign stuff since he’s so busy fightin’ the babes off. But see how connected I am?
New post at Un-schooled, about the film “Race to Nowhere” and how successful high schools are stressing students out to an extreme extent with all that “get into an amazing college” pressure. I seriously don’t understand how they take so many tests.
Kate on December 10th 2010 in beauty, being different, body
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 11:35 am #
I was able to read that Times article online when I googled it.
Kate responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 11:38 am #
Maybe the New York Times has some sort of objection to me, personally?
Kate responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 11:56 am #
It teased me with the first page of the article, then tried to get me register to read the rest. They’re like information crack dealers – first taste is free!
Try http://www.bugmenot.com if you don’t want to register. Damn the man.
Christin@purplebirdblog responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 11:58 am #
I don’t know how to accomplish most of what you listed above.
Kate responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 12:00 pm #
@Kate
Yeah, what is with that? And now Hulu is making people sign up to watch old episodes of shows. Aahhh!!!
Btw, it’s going to look funny when I post this because your name is also Kate. It seems like a lot of people I’ve encountered through this blog are named Kate. Do I have to figure out some sort of setting that bedazzles my name in the comments so that it’s clear that I’m Kate-who-writes-the-blog as opposed to all the fascinating, witty Kates who comment?
Kate responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 12:01 pm #
@Christin
Which is why we need to hang out and eat cake together.
Valerie responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 12:22 pm #
I’m constantly concerned that I am a failure as a woman due to the fact that I don’t understand a lot of things about being a woman and the things women do.
Like I don’t understand how women can care so much about scrapbooking their entire lives into neat, little artistic albums. I mean, who goes back to look at them and if they are purely for yourself…then why bother taking the time to make them look so pretty? And what is it with scrapbook parties?
Or how I can’t deal with “women’s night”. I would get invited to watch girlie movies, drink wine, and play some sort of dating themed board game that was apparently played in junior high at all the slumber parties that I never went to. But I’d rather be hanging out with the guys, drinking beer, and making horrible fart jokes instead.
I don’t know how to be comfortable around women and all the mystical things they do like knowing if you’re an autumn or summer in skin tone (what does all of that even mean?!) and which pair of shoes go with what outfits and eyeliner.
I feel like I was raised by wolves and someone ripped me out of my safe, comfortable forest home and stuck me in the middle of some horrible Sex and the City rip off, Idaho style.
Kate responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 12:32 pm #
@Valerie
I just had a random flip out that focused on scrapbooking the other day. I think there are entire stores devoted to it now. I should have put that on the list.
Alii Silverwing responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 12:50 pm #
@Valarie My sister scrapbooks and she treats it as a hobby. She’s way less… cluttered than I am, too, so I think that’s part of it. Scrapbooks don’t take up NEARLY as much space as my mementos do.
She makes her memories festive so she can enjoy both the memory and the memory of crafting it.
@Kate-the-Bloggerperson I think I filed most of those traits away as not worth it when I was an adolescent, but subconsciously. Even though some of the might be nice (like the Christmas card thing. Yeesh. My mother flails at that every year and my sister figured it out, but I suck at it) they all fall under ‘I’m not like that’. I think I internalized my weirdness early and it blocked a lot of that Other Stuff as irrelevant.
San D responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 12:52 pm #
Genetics, practice, a good calendar, determination, breeding, self awareness and money. Not necessarily in that order.
Cyndie responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 1:28 pm #
I can’t wear white at all! It’s devastating. Apparently, I’m just too messy of an eater.
I also am a repeat-outfit-offender. I will wear things four times in a week
janetha g. responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 2:06 pm #
loved this, kate. “How they get their hearts broken by men who aren’t nearly as clever or motivated as they are.” agreed.
Jess responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 2:07 pm #
I wonder how women manage to wear eyeliner and mascara all day without getting smudges all under their eyes. I’m clearly doing something wrong. Perhaps buying the cheapest makeup at CVS is my problem.
Also, I haven’t seen the movie yet, but your description of Firth and Ehle’s onscreen meeting made me a bit sad and nostalgic. I adore P&P. So beautiful.
Trisha Leon responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 2:13 pm #
Standing idly used to stump me, then Mary Katherine Gallagher came along and saved the day. You put your hands under your arms and then smell them……problem. solved.
The Banjer » Blog Archive » Friday’s best blog post responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 2:28 pm #
[...] absolutely love the post Things I don’t understand about women from Eat the Damn Cake!! It’s fabulous!! How their noses aren’t always running when it’s [...]
Christina (Dinner at Christina's) responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 4:20 pm #
So many of these perplex me too. But, triumphantly I AM able to accomplish a (limited) number of things on this list! I feel all special and stuff now.
Tip for Jess: buying the cheapest stuff at CVS is not the problem – just get the cheapest, WATERPROOF stuff!
Kate responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 4:35 pm #
@ Kate
You know what’s cool? You mentioned somewhere on here that you’re just Kate – not Katherine or Kathleen, etc. Me too! I think you need some kind of epic screen name like “Kate of the Cake” or something.
hector responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 6:21 pm #
Kate, listen, having large boobs and skinny arms makes it impossible to find coats/long sleeves that fit, or are even comfortable.
Suuuper jealous of you here
Ashley responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 6:49 pm #
So I am every one of those things on that list expect the dieting one haha.
Sarah responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 6:52 pm #
I read that NYT article online when it came out and didn’t have to log in either…hmmmm….
I thought it was interesting, though not at all surprising. ALL volunteering is like that. A few volunteers tend to hold up most organisations, and it’s not just women. Women just happen to be the ones who tend to volunteer for school events and activities.
Kate responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 8:05 pm #
@Ashley
You mean you can do eyeliner perfectly? Where did you learn?? Tell me your secret!!
Kate responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 8:08 pm #
@Kate
Nice! Another just Kate! I’m guessing you have cool parents. And yes, that is the perfect screen name.
@Hector
I bet turtle necks look incredible on you. (Not to be really creepy)
I’m not sure I believe that you’re jealous of me here…
Jo responded on 10 Dec 2010 at 10:14 pm #
“How they get eyeliner to make those thick, uninterrupted lines around their eyes, without showing skin on that little ledge the inside of the lid makes along the bottom of the eyeball. Or without poking their eyeballs with the pencil.”
I never get to do it as neat as most chicks cause I’m lazy:P. But to keep that layer of skin from showing just add eyeliner to the inside of the lower lid and keep your eyes tightly shut for a few seconds. And don’t sharpen your pencil to avoid eye-stabbing.
Wei-Wei responded on 11 Dec 2010 at 4:04 am #
Also, things like:
How they know the EXACT level of innocence to portray to the right people.
How they know how to look mysterious OR warm and welcoming, at the right moments.
How they can wear “nerd clothing” and still look fabulous.
How they manage to keep their faces from turning bright red and sweaty and snotty when they exercise.
Dana Udall-Weiner responded on 11 Dec 2010 at 10:22 am #
I would add to this list, “How they can access language and emotion to write such relatable blog posts.”
You never know what people are thinking about YOU, Kate!
Kate responded on 11 Dec 2010 at 10:44 am #
@Jo
Thanks! I think I may always be too afraid of the pencil touching my eye to get good at it, though.
@Wei-Wei
Yes. I can’t jog for a block without turning bright red. And in the cold, there will be tears streaming down my face in about three seconds.
@Dana
You are really nice
Just Josie responded on 11 Dec 2010 at 5:00 pm #
@Wei-Wei: I love the ones you listed! So true!
I never understand the walking thing. It may be because one of my legs is a whole inch shorter than the other, but still. Or the braiding. Did I miss the meeting at which every other girl in the world obviously attended and learned to braid? Because I can’t braid. At all. And I don’t have the patience to paint my fingernails; plus, my nose just can’t take it. I don’t get crushes on celebrities; they’re all either made up in my head or from books. Kissing scenes in “rom-coms” (what an awful term! haha) in movies make me gag, not bliggle. Body odor doesn’t bother me. I’m not good at being “cool”, even though I am in fact very cool. I’m not boy-crazy, and frankly I am just not capable of understanding how these girls can stand to date the guys they do. I’m not snobby, it’s just that they are either so lacking in intellect or treat them like such shit that I have to wonder, *”How do you even trust that scumbag enough to take your clothes off around him”. Okay, maybe that does make me snobby? Or just hyper-critical and selective? Or maybe the three mean the same thing? I don’t know, but if that’s the case, I’m pretty down with being snobby.
*On the off-chance that that might be somewhat offensive, I’ll clarify: I don’t believe that you have to love someone before having sex with them for it to be “morally proper” or whatever, it’s just that I think there must be an inherent kind of trust in such things. I mean, even with a one-night stand, you are *trusting* that person not to hurt you, not to give you anything [bad], and not to make fun of you — if just for those few minutes.
Un-roast: I hate the way my hair looks when it’s clean. Which means that I love it when it’s deliciously greasy and frizzy, which is totally odd, epecially since “Seventeen” tells me all the time how very much they sympathize with my “bad hair days” and gives me instructions on how to “get out of the house with that hair going on and hold your head high”. I think I’m a dirty old hippie at heart.
Nikki responded on 11 Dec 2010 at 10:41 pm #
I’ve never left a comment here before, but I am just writing to say how strongly I relate to this post!
I thought it was only me who did not understand the secret of wearing heels when walking places or not getting pit stains.
AlisonM responded on 12 Dec 2010 at 9:15 am #
I loved this Kate. Not least because I love me a good list
Sweat stains, eyeliner, red noses, neat ponytails, and big breasts but thin arms… Those particularly spoke to me!
I have to admit though that I repeatedly get my heart broken by idiot guys. On a prouder note, I (think I) get away with chunky necklaces, but I think that’s just because I have very small breasts…
camelshoes responded on 12 Dec 2010 at 9:58 am #
Yes! All of these. I wonder how they do these things too. And the way they wear an outfit that is gorgeous with the perfect accessories but still looks like it took zero time or effort to put it together. I knew a young woman like this – she was tall, willowly and blond [I am not these] and wore fabulous outfits that always looked amazing whilst simultaneously appearing like she didn’t try at all. I asked a mutual friend about it once. Apparently the willowly woman never kept any clothes she received as presents if they didn’t suit her style, and she only bought a particular style of things and actually did put a lot of effort into looking like she didn’t.
Oh, and I don’t understand handbags – more specifically why so many are required.
zoe (and the beatles) responded on 12 Dec 2010 at 11:06 pm #
i ALWAYS wonder about the sweat stains issue! it astounds me, really.
you know i seriously don’t understand? like at all? why women find themselves unattractive when, quite clearly, they are absolutely beautiful and everyone else is enamored by them. it boggles my mind. quite frequently.
and, also, i am not sure all these constitute “being a woman.” women are diverse! we’re all good at certain things and maybe not so good at others. you’re a woman no matter how many addresses you remember or no matter how smooth your ponytail is.
Kate responded on 13 Dec 2010 at 9:38 am #
@Zoe
you’re right, women are definitely diverse, and you can be a woman without a smooth ponytail. I do it every day.
But it’s more fun to write lists like this without a disclaimer
Rebecca responded on 16 Dec 2010 at 9:09 pm #
Eyeliner:
Use mascara instead of those puny liquid eyeliner deals.
I dot the tip of the wand along my lash line,
then use a regular eye pencil to trace those dots into the shape I want.
Works like a charm,
doesn’t smudge,
and is a helluva lot easier to manipulae.
Ashley responded on 04 Jan 2011 at 3:10 pm #
Ha. The amount of eyeliner tips you received is kind of hilarious. People actually used to come up to me and ask me how I managed to get it so straight. Who knows. Taught eyelids and a steady hand I suppose. Anyway, I relate to almost all of your listed items … especially the skinny arms and big boobs. I’m so envious of that. I always put my hands on my hips in pictures to create that “svelte arm” illusion. ::Sigh::
Deanna responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 11:28 am #
How about working out at the gym and barely sweating. Some of them look like they just walked out of the hair salon even after an hour of cardio (when I work out I look like I worked out).
The confidence they have in their ability to be attractive. I never had it and I probably never will.
The amount of money they spend on fillers and plastic surgery…who has that kind of time and money??
Kate responded on 06 Jan 2011 at 11:33 am #
@Deanna
I’ll take that a step farther and add that I look like I worked out when I walk INTO the gym. My hair’s already frizzing, and my workout clothes are never sleek and sexy.
Gillian responded on 13 Jan 2011 at 3:08 pm #
Um, I definitely almost burst into tears when that scene came around. Gotta love Firth & Ehle.
Eat the Damn Cake » Nerd girls rule responded on 18 Jan 2011 at 12:04 pm #
[...] Feeling different from most other people and not understanding why they did the things they did but assuming (arrogantly and sometimes rightly) that that meant I was [...]
Mandy responded on 22 Jan 2011 at 10:22 pm #
Not to be snide, but I’ve got to wonder if all of those perfectly made-up, coiffed, and put-together women maybe didn’t have WAAAY too much time on their hands…
I’m just too doggone lazy to spend more than ten minutes (tops!) on my hair and (possibly) makeup every day, or more than two minutes picking out an everyday outfit. Special occasions get special effort, but for the most part, I have more interesting things to do with my time.
Un-roast: I love grinning and winking at my reflection in the mirror when I’m in a really good mood.
Eat the Damn Cake » Expensive jewelry responded on 03 Jun 2011 at 10:51 am #
[...] Another thing I don’t understand about women: [...]
Eat the Damn Cake » giant pimple responded on 04 Jan 2012 at 3:29 pm #
[...] been to yoga more than once now!), I was peering under my own leg at the gorgeous woman behind me. Her limbs seemed to flow naturally into the poses, her hair was falling over one eye just so, like a…. Her breasts seemed to support themselves, without a bra. (OK, so I checked out her boobs a [...]
Eat the Damn Cake » the very hot new book that women love responded on 27 Mar 2012 at 1:04 pm #
[...] it out, with Bear, walking across the Brooklyn Bridge, trying to be cool. Sometimes I feel like I don’t understand other women. And then when people talk about all the women who love something that I don’t even like, I [...]