The weirdest thing is happening. My body is changing. I’m like a transformer– one second I’m just an ordinary looking person and the next…I AM SPACE ROBOT KATE FROM THE PLANET ZYLEX FOUR. I HAVE COME NOT TO HURT YOU BUT TO HELP YOU SAVE YOUR WORLD FROM CERTAIN DOOM. It’s a pretty noble calling, saving the world from doom. I try to take it one day at a time, y’know?
(I’m this one. It’s the cutest. Except I don’t start out as a car. source)
But really. I hit twenty-four, March of last year, and my body was like, “Alright. Enough is enough. I’m bored as, um, bored can be. Things are about to get CRAZY in here!” (My body watches its language when we’re in public.) Things got crazy. All of my fat started relocating, like it had just decided to up and move to the mountains and never come back. Which I sympathize with.
Suddenly, my butt was a lot bigger. Bear did that thing where he sweeps me off my feet and runs around with me (to show how strong he is and how seriously he takes being a husband), and we went by a mirror and I was like, “Whoa. Stop right there. Is that my butt?” He stopped. I was like, “I mean, like, all of that…Does that all count as the butt? Even way over on the sides? Because that is HUGE.”
He seemed like he may already have known.
My breasts got bigger (though, as I mentioned before, not enough to bust through to the next cup size), my belly got bigger. There were certain little clingy dresses that suddenly looked embarrassing. My arms got chubbier, and so did my thighs. Just about everything was chubbier, actually.
So finally I decided to weigh myself, and see how dramatic things really were. I don’t own a scale, so I almost never weigh myself. I got on the scale at my parents’ house. I held my breath. I closed my eyes and prayed. I looked slowly, slowly down. For a second, I thought I saw it tell me that I was thirty pounds heavier than the last time I’d checked. And then my vision cleared and it was telling me that I was exactly the same weight I’d been for a long time. No, wait, I was three pounds lighter.
I have no idea what the deal is.
What is with that? Seriously. What is happening?
I don’t think there’s any going back, really. This may just be my new body. I may just have to deal with it. It happened so suddenly, like going through puberty, that I wasn’t prepared.
Bear likes to take credit. He says that it’s all the husband pheromones he’s releasing all the time, that are making my body prepare for childbirth, or something. He says this jokingly, but I’m not ready to rule it out. I don’t really have a better explanation. Maybe I should birth a few children, to test the theory. Kidding. That was definitely a joke.
Sometimes I’m scared. I get this sense that my body is in control, and I don’t have a say. Who knows what might happen next. Fur? A third arm?
And then sometimes I’m just impressed. Like, way to go body. That must be some sort of record. You did that in like fifteen seconds. Kudos. You’re an artist. An artiste! And look at the butt! That is some butt.
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Un-roast: Today I love how much pleasure I get out of eating pizza.
New post at Un-schooled about being shy.
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