Lady Gaga and my mother in law

Here in the gorgeous, green Bay Area, we were having a 93rd birthday party for Bear’s grandmother outside, on the patio. Lady Gaga was blaring in the house.

Lady Gaga was still blaring after the guests had trickled down the steep driveway towards their cars. Bear’s mother and brother had a little spontaneous dance party. They rocked out. I was too shy to dance, so I took pictures.

Lady Gaga is kind of everywhere in this house. Her poster is on the wall, in the room Bear’s brother is staying in, the Vogue with her picture on the cover is proudly displayed on the coffee table.

My mother in law is wearing black nail polish. She was inspired by Gaga, whose concert she recently went to.

At the party, a friend of the family said to me, “You’re a writer. Are you a character collector?”

I thought for a while (thus initiating an awkward pause). I said, “Not really. Characters are too hard. I think I’m a story collector.” (Even that sounds a little pretentious to me in retrospect.)

We started talking about characters. I said that the thing about people is that they often don’t make good characters. Good characters are striking and simple. People can’t be easily pinned down. They are contradictory all the time. They are one thing when talking to this person and another when talking to someone else. Okcupid (btw, what’s the deal with them getting bought by Match.com?!) used to ask its users to pick three adjectives to describe themselves. I found it really difficult to do that. I find it really difficult to pick the “right” ones when I think about my friends, or Bear, or my parents. The important characteristics change with the context. The problem is, they are usually true.

And as we’re having this philosophical conversation about the essence of humanity, my mother in law is blaring Lady Gaga at her elegant garden party.

“I’m gonna love you with my hands tied” sings Gaga.

“And this salad has toasted goat cheese balls,” my mother in law is saying. She is graceful and lovely in her dress with the silk-screen images of fruit and her perfect posture. Her house is impeccable, the renovated kitchen and living area fresh, bright, and tasteful, the art coordinated and well-chosen.

She mentions that some people think she’s weird, for getting so excited about the show. For thinking the majority of the music is awesome. But whatever, she likes what she likes.

I like a few of the songs. I’ve never been able to get behind any one pop performer. Or all of them, as a genre. I’m one of those lame people who when asked, “So what kind of music do you listen to?” has to think for a while before saying, “Um, like, a little of everything.” Yeah. It’s that bad. I love some hiphop, some rap with a really tight, clever rhyme scheme, stuff that makes me feel like dancing, some indie rock with amazing lyrics, whatever. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never be cultured like the Brooklyn kids who know every local band.

I love that my mother in law loves Lady Gaga, when I’m the one whose “supposed” to love her. Or at least, I’d be considered a more likely candidate. I love that my mother in law is not “trying to be young.” I can’t imagine someone saying that about her. She sometimes laments that people don’t dress up to go to the opera anymore. She has seen David Brooks twice already in the Oakland Speaker Series.

Even though we’re all weird and contradictory and complicated, people spend a lot of time being awkward and embarrassed over their inconsistencies. As though we’re all responsible for creating a coherent image to present to the world and if it slips then we’re failing.

I remember figuring out at some point that a person with a face as grown up and serious as mine simply couldn’t be cute. I mean, I couldn’t talk in a little silly voice at any point or curl playfully up in a ball or bounce when excited or twirl my hair or be particularly girly in any way. My face was the face of a dramatic, strong-willed and opinionated woman who had a low, riveting speaking voice and got things done.

But you know what? I’m really silly. And often, I feel really cute. Even though the world has not given me any images of people who look like me and are thought to be cute. I don’t have a low voice. I have kind of a funny speaking voice, actually.

It’s fashionable to be contradictory in certain ways–you wear conservative button-downs, but you’re actually a sexy vampire. You have librarian glasses but you love to party. You have a billion dollars, but you live in this cute little house. Yeah yeah. We know. You’re so quirky and cool. No, seriously, if you really do live in a little house even though you have a billion dollars, I kinda do think you’re cool. Or at least interesting. But I also know how to recognize a more angular, clunky contradiction when I see it. A dissonant one. A bold one. The ones that make people a little uncomfortable or confused. The ones you don’t see on TV very much. I have those and I fight them.

My mother in law is not fighting Lady Gaga. She’s dancing. Kinda makes me want to dance, too. Or show Gaga my teeth. Or something.

 

*  *  *

Un-roast: Today I love belts. OK, that’s not about my body. But it is. Because I love the way I look in a belt. I just got three from a second hand store in Piedmont (Thanks for sharing this awesome spot, Joyce!). One is bright yellow. Yay!

P.S. I think maybe I write about contradictions a lot. It’s because they’re my favorite thing ever.

 

 

 

23 Comments »

Kate on April 7th 2011 in being different, life

23 Responses to “Lady Gaga and my mother in law”

  1. Emmi responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 12:12 pm #

    I think people would be a lot happier if they could let themselves enjoy the things that appeal to them without making it into some complicated thing. Not everything has to make sense! My main happiness goal is to find my joy, and ignore anyone who looks at me funny. My husband actually helped me learn how to do this well, he’s always instinctively known how. He has helped me embrace my dichotomous contradictions. Including my eclectic grazing taste in music, similar to what you described.

    Your mother-in-law is fabulous (your brother-in-law too!), those pictures are amazing. That last one – hilarious! And full of joy :)

  2. Wei-Wei responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 12:31 pm #

    “I have kind of a funny speaking voice, actually.”

    I vote you do a vlog.

  3. Meri responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 12:37 pm #

    That’s awesome. I love friends and relatives of mine that aren’t afraid to like what they like, and be diverse in their taste and choices. Nobody puts baby in a corner! I can’t imagine having loved ones who urged me to like “the right things” or act the right way.
    And I don’t think “story collecting” sounds pretentious at all. I enjoy your stories!

  4. oonaballoona responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 12:54 pm #

    i hope you got in there and boogied once the pictures were done.

  5. Harriet May responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    My mom loves Lady Gaga. She listens to her iPod while she’s vacuuming and dances and sings the lyrics. It’s actually really annoying because a) she doesn’t hear you yelling her to be quiet and b) she usually vacuums at precisely the time I’ve come over specifically to watch something I saved on their DVR.

  6. Ashley responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 1:21 pm #

    High five on the yellow belt! I’m wearing one right now and I feel awesome in it:)

  7. Ashley responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 1:36 pm #

    Oh yeah, I also wanted to mention Chuck Klosterman. (Sorry, I got too excited about the yellow belt.) I can’t remember which book this is in, but I often think about this idea he writes about how art (especially in the pop culture sense) isn’t empirically good or bad- we just like what we like. Liking something doesn’t somehow make it more inherently valuable, and disliking something doesn’t decrease its inherent value. That’s a freeing concept for me, that it’s ok to like things that I’m pressured not to like….Jersey Shore, for instance:)

  8. Amanda responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 1:57 pm #

    First, let me say that I love your blog. I have spent the past week reading all of your posts from the beginning and recommending your site to basically every woman I know. Today’s post was especially great though – mainly because I’ve spent my whole life trying to accept, embrace, and cultivate my own contradictions of self. I’ve had pretty much the opposite problems of you – I’m “cute” (in a pink my-little-pony kind of way). I’m 23 and could still easily past for 16, blonde, and have a subtle lisp. I also work in a corporate environment, drink good beer, play video games, and have a deep love for professional football. Unfortunately my appearance and inherent “girliness” makes gaining respect (or street cred) pretty damn difficult. Basically, I just wanted to let you know that I can completely relate to (and am totally inspired by) what you’re putting out in the world – keep it up!

  9. Gaby responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 2:20 pm #

    NEVER be too embarrassed to dance! One of the many valuable lessons I’ve learned through yoga and the whole community I’ve been introduced to is to let go, let go of inhibitions, expectations, what I think my body should be doing or not doing or look like, how I should move or act. It’s about how I feel, who am I, what feels good to me, what feels fun, when I stretch, how do I want to stretch, when I dance, I close my eyes and feel freedom, and when I speak I’ve started sharing my real feelings (which is miraculous for me, because a year ago I might not have been sure of what they were myself!)
    But yes, I am a contradiction, everyone is, so maybe that makes it not contradicting at all? Anyways, I say I have my being a gemini excuse :p
    I can be the most reserved person in the world, and am generally just quiet, but I speak my mind when I have something to say, and as I’ve told you before, I’ll talk to just about anyone, anywhere, strangers on the subway, in cafe’s, work functions, etc. Also, turn on music and I’ll go wild, no alcohol needed. That’s another thing, I don’t feel grown up at all, I like board games, and playgrounds, and being “cute” and wearing flowery dresses, but at the same time I hate bars, staying out late, like to be in bed reading by 10 or 11 even on weekends, and tend to get along better with people over 30, don’t like loud music or crowds and am about as frugal as a 60 year old jewish woman. So I guess I’m kind of a child and elderly person at the same time but skipped the in between. Kind of the same as my career, I can feel totally unstable and directionless all the time and get really down about it but when I think about it I work with middle aged people and do the work that someone in the business 20+ years does, so again, I skipped the entry level. I go from point A to point B or at least expect myself to reach goals immediately but preach to everyone else that staying in the present and taking things one day at a time is the most important thing they can do for themselves. I all about health food but nothing makes me happier than a PB and J and the 5 boxes of cereal in my pantry, and if I run out of cereal I’ll have ice cream with trail mix or something for breakfast because I have my own version of healthy plus trail mix automatically makes it a health food :)
    And I’ve been planning a move to NY for about the last 6 years but am scared out of my mind about it and probably even more scared of not going through with it, so basically I have to do it!

    Also, I don’t think you have a funny speaking voice at all and are totally adorable!
    And I love your mother in law.

  10. Jenna responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 2:38 pm #

    I’m scared to death of aging.

    Reading the story and seeing your pictures of your mother in law dancing to lady Gaga gives me hope.

    That when I am old I can still be me, young in spirit and not afraid to dance.

    Thank you Kate,

    J.

  11. Avery responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 3:01 pm #

    I love your in-lawed dance party.

    What place in Piedmont? I live an hour away, and I’m in need of a good thrifting day.

  12. zoe (and the beatles) responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 4:37 pm #

    lovely, fun photos. definitely brought a smile to my face. still enjoying the sunshine :) ?

    anyway, sometimes my mom laments how ardently she loves the show glee. she claims she’s the oldest “gleek” in the world. funny too how much she loves techno, considering she IS a middle aged mother of two and electronic music is generally marketed towards teens and young adults. as much as i want to call these contradictions, i just don’t think i can. these elements of my mom are simply that — things that makes her who she is. inconsistencies are what we make when we try and label people and things.

    unroast: (because i just have to today!) today i love my legs. they carried me through a solid two hour dance fest in san francisco last night. the best part? i’m pretty shy but put me on the dance floor and you’d never know :)

  13. Joyce responded on 07 Apr 2011 at 5:26 pm #

    Avery, Kate got the belts at Mercy on Piedmont Avenue near the Piedmont Theater. The belts are awesome. I may have to borrow the yellow one when I visit Kate in New York.

  14. Jen responded on 08 Apr 2011 at 7:30 am #

    I’m indifferent about Lady Gaga but L-O-V-E her windows, kitchen/dining/living room.

    Wish there were pictures of the other walls (a la Better Homes & Gardens) so I could save it and mimic it someday in my crowded little Michigan ranch-style house.

  15. Mandy responded on 08 Apr 2011 at 12:06 pm #

    I think that a great many things that sound contradictory at first, aren’t really. Who sets the standards for what we’re all “supposed” to like, and do and be? Is it human nature to be more comfortable if we can stick peole in boxes and categories?
    I think part of the trick to enjoying your own inherent contradictions, is to relax and allow others to be contradictory, as well.
    Frankly, I LOVE “contradictions” in people–makes then SO much more interesting! Your mother-in-law is a perfect example.
    I’m another: I’m a middle-aged grown-up who still likes to play dress up! I love getting into costume and going to Renaissance Faires, and Fairy Festivals, and the Steampunk World Fair.
    There is a wonderful life rule that I believe is Wiccan in origin that says “If it harms none, do as you will.”
    What a wonderfully freeing sentiment!

    Unroast: Today, I love that my hair is getting more silver in it every month.

  16. San D responded on 08 Apr 2011 at 6:42 pm #

    I’m still stuck in the past dancing to Michael Jackson’s Thriller. While I think Lady Gaga seems fresh to most, I am old enough to know that Leigh Bowery did it MUCH better in the ’80′s. Lady Gaga, if, you like most, are reading Kate’s column, look up Leigh! I once was in a poetry group of women. One of the poets read a piece she wrote lamenting how everyone is looking at her like she is old, but she is still in her 20′s in her mind and heart, and would rock the mini skirt if she could. Adding of course that varicose veins betray all!

  17. Sooz responded on 08 Apr 2011 at 8:14 pm #

    I’ve yet to get beyond my contradictory nature to be able to explain myself to anyone. I know I’m weird. Some days I’m cool with that fact and others…not so much. BUT. Just like your mother-in-law, I too love Lady Gaga. I love lots of artists that no one that’s my age likes. I’m a 39 year old mother of four children and I am weird. :) thanks for a great post.

  18. Katie responded on 08 Apr 2011 at 11:43 pm #

    This is one of my most favorite posts ever.

    Inspiring.

  19. Roxanne responded on 11 Apr 2011 at 1:36 am #

    You know, I thought I was the only one who worried about things like that – about how I can be bold and loud when talking to one person and then quiet and bashful when talking to another. It makes it hard for me to pinpoint what my personality is. I always just say “it depends on the situation”, which isn’t a very satisfactory answer and kind of makes it seem like I’m not “being myself”, but I must be. I mean, I’m me, aren’t I? Lovely post, Kate. Thanks for always writing so honestly and assuring me of my humanity. :) You’re lovely.

  20. Katherine responded on 11 Apr 2011 at 10:11 pm #

    Just wanted to say that I love this post for all the reasons people have mentioned in the above comments, but also because I have been in a pretty major funk lately and these photos are the first things to make me truly smile in days. There really is so much joy in them. Your mother-in-law inspires me.
    And your brother-in-law is cute! Is he straight, and if so, single? ;)
    Just kidding……mostly.

  21. Kate responded on 13 Apr 2011 at 1:49 pm #

    @Katherine
    LOL. He is in fact single and straight :)

  22. Eat the Damn Cake » sexy enough for yoga? responded on 01 Sep 2011 at 1:03 pm #

    [...] my bonus mom (mother-in-law) is coming to visit for a week! I’m excited! She’s like this. Check it out. And can you believe that she is ALSO a diabetic? But Bear got this ice cream [...]

  23. Paysh responded on 04 Jan 2012 at 7:07 pm #

    “P.S. I think maybe I write about contradictions a lot. It’s because they’re my favorite thing ever.”

    I am so with you on that.

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