In which I am still in love with this stupid city
I feel weird. I haven’t written in a long time. Which doesn’t seem like me. The internet connection was horrible here:
And then I gave in and stared at the ocean instead of thinking about articles and book proposals and pitches.
We looked like this:
And also this:
Our feet looked like this:
Our hands looked like this:
It was pretty damn great.
And now I’m back, in the burning hot city, wearing tank tops and not even thinking very much about my chubby arms, because it’s too hot not to wear tank tops. We missed the spring completely. I don’t think there really was a spring.
I am happy. I think I’m happy. The California cost was stunning. We wandered through redwood forests and did yoga in a yurt and ate breakfast over the endless blue water.
She said, of downward facing dog, “You can relax into a kneel if you need to.” I needed to, a lot, but I didn’t until Bear did. And then we were the only two people kneeling. We smiled at each other sideways. It’s surprising how much pressure there is to perform, in a yurt full of vacationers doing yoga. “Why am I so bad at yoga?” said Bear, depressed, when it was over.
Then we looked at the ocean some more and forgot about the whole thing.
But honestly, I couldn’t stay in a place like that. That’s the funny thing. My whole life, I thought I had to be somewhere like that. I thought that was what life was about–looking out at the mountains and the ocean. Being lost and simultaneously found in giant expanses of wild space. Not being smushed between a sweaty guy with suspicious stains on his wife-beater and a woman with three identical drooling dogs on the elevator, riding up to my un-airconditioned apartment.
There’s something about this city. I was smiling, walking back from the Gourmet Garage with my bags full of the cheapest cheeses possible and all the other necessities (strawberry rhubarb pie is ALWAYS necessary). The two guys holding hands thought I was smiling in support and solidarity, the little boy hopping in front of the stroller thought I was smiling because he was hilarious, and the guy with no shirt and the wrap-around sunglasses thought I was smiling because he was so sexy. Whatever. Maybe I was. Except for the last one. I definitely wasn’t smiling about that.
Here I am, back in the city, at a low point in my career, grinning as I haul the groceries home.
No job. No leads. No responses from editors. Nothing big on the horizon. As I fall asleep at night, I think, “You’re twenty-five already…What if you end up being summarized in one sad line?” That’s my biggest fear, I think. That one day, some great-grandkid who never knew me will say, “Yeah, so then there was mom’s mom. She was…I don’t know…like, some sort of writer? But not, like, a famous one. Like, she had a diary she wrote in, or something.”
It’s kind of a lame biggest fear.
During the scorching, crowded days, I can almost ignore it entirely.
This is the city where I once saw a corpse in Riverside Park, with detectives gathered around it. The city where the mist rises out of the mysterious rotten panel in the closet, and when the Brooklyn killer from a few months ago decided to come uptown, he ended up in my subway station, where he hid on the tracks until hopping a train and slitting someone’s throat. I think there are probably many hundreds of movie stars here, but they might all be in TriBeCa, and I’ve definitely never seen any of them. Once I ate dinner next to one of the guys from Saturday Night Live, and he looked like he was having a serious conversation, but his face was still funny to me. That was my biggest famous person sighting. None of the apartments are worth what they cost. None of them. You’re always making sacrifices like “Well, I guess I can go without an oven.” or “I mean, privacy is totally overrated. I don’t need doors and walls in my apartment, to divide it up into rooms. Rooms are a tool of oppression.” Stuff that isn’t luxurious becomes a luxury.
“Oh my god, you have a washer and dryer in your HOUSE?”
“A window box with an actual PLANT in it?!”
The idea of having more than one bathroom in the same home sounds insane. Like, but what do you need two for?
And in Manhattan, I feel like you’re always running into people who are doing whatever you’re doing, except ten times better. There’s no time to sit still and fail to succeed.
In a way, I don’t know why I like it. It’s hard to believe it’s my home, and that returning to it makes me relieved and eager. It just goes to show you how poorly you might know yourself sometimes. I always thought I could never live in a big city. I also thought that if I was twenty-five and my career was in a lull, that would be a tragedy.
I’m going to write a book. But first, I’m going to get some ice cream from a truck, wearing a tank top, and sweating and sweating and sweating.
* * *
Un-roast: Today I love the way my shadow looks, when I’m jogging outside. It looks ambitious. It’s misleading, because I almost never go jogging.
Emma responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 10:59 am #
I love this post. I live in Chicago and have similar thoughts on this city as you do NYC. Despite the freezing winters, bullshit snow storms, and hot ass summers, I love this city.
Valerie responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 11:39 am #
Have you ever thought about freelance writing and submitting articles to magazines? I think you could do it. It wouldn’t be a steady job, but it’d be fun.
win responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 11:55 am #
bleah.
Kate responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 11:56 am #
@Valerie
Yup! I’m doing that. It’s hard.
jane minion responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 1:12 pm #
where were you exactly? looks like a great retirement place
and you both look so happy healthy
where did you stay?
Jane Minion
monika responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 1:42 pm #
beautiful holiday spot.
beautiful post.
i love how you notice what matters. especially in yourself.
It just goes to show you how poorly you might know yourself sometimes.
that ice cream from a truck, and sweating, and feeling uneasy about public yoga… taking all that in.. is going to make your book all the better.
Avery responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 1:57 pm #
Thank you for this post. Being a northern cali girl by birth, I love having you evaluate the water (cold), the weather (temperamental) and the yurts (purely Berkeley). Have a good not spring. It rained today in the south bay.
Jak responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 2:09 pm #
I have that same fear, but it’ll be great nieces and nephews in my case.
We just keep moving on, because that’s what we’re supposed to do, and it’s great.
Deanna responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 3:45 pm #
I think we all worry about being insignificant and not making much of a difference. I think what we focus on, however, are all the wrong things. So you are a non famous writer. You probably write better than most of the famous ones. Being famous doesn’t always mean good.
In my business the most famous instructors or, better said, the most successful ones are not always the best. They got to be that way because someone somewhere thought they were really good and everyone followed along.
So…I guess just by being you, being caring, being smart, being talented makes a big difference. Just your blog and the open and honest way you talk about women and looks and all that stuff we think about but are afraid to talk about makes a difference in the lives of so many people.
Keep it up.
Andee responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 3:55 pm #
We always tell each other the only thing we want when we move is more than 2 rooms. Right now we have a bathroom and everthing. 3 Rooms would be a luxury and a washer and dryer?? Mind blowing!
Laurel responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 4:56 pm #
Glad to see a new post from you!
Jen responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 5:55 pm #
I think you’re a fantastic writer. If I ever have a contact with an editor or agent or publisher– I’m going to show them your posts.
take care, Jen
Sooz responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 8:56 pm #
I love this post. Your descriptive powers were beautiful. I especially love the “sweating sweating sweating” That’s me to a tee.
Kate responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 9:03 pm #
@Jane
Big Sur! So dramatic there.
Kate responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 9:03 pm #
@Jen
I would love you forever.
That would be awesome
Kate responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 9:04 pm #
@Sooz
Another reason why I have to wear tanktops. I sweat through short sleeves in like one minute.
zoe (and the beatles) responded on 01 Jun 2011 at 10:28 pm #
a few weeks ago i spent about four days in manhatten with no real plans. i just kind of cruised around and stared at the people, the buildings, and the pretty clothes i couldn’t afford. i ate some great food, wandered all wide-eyed through the alexander mcqueen exhibit at the met. the weather painted the city in sunshine and i loved walking around at night in shorts, something i can’t do here in the bay area, even in summer. for as nice of a trip as i had and for as much as i enjoyed myself, the entire time i felt a bit on edge. the people were kind of cool and unfriendly and the streets were too crowded for me to feel comfortable. the go-go-go atmosphere made me feel anxious. by the time we left i felt kind of angry in a weird way. the second i stepped off the plane though, and stepped into that san francisco fog, i felt relieved. home is our comfort zone huh? i used to think i always wanted to live in a city but now i can’t imagine being away from my fog and my mountains and my trees for too long! i kind of love that we were both just in each others home towns and that we feel so similarly and differently about them
!
Kate responded on 02 Jun 2011 at 12:34 pm #
@Zoe I love this comment.
Jessica responded on 02 Jun 2011 at 1:10 pm #
I really could relate (yet again!) to this post. Keep writing away- although your career may not be exactly where you want it to be, I can’t tell you the number of times reading your blog has brought a smile to my face and made me feel less like a weirdo.
And hey, at least it’s a *little* bit cooler today! Hooray!
Erinleigh responded on 02 Jun 2011 at 1:19 pm #
Kate-
You have definite writing talent! You also take great pictures! I love reading your blog and I’ll be your permanent cheerleader!
California is breathtaking! Maybe one day I will see it for myself…
Until then, I will live vicariously through others…
Keep writing…it is your passion…and passion is all it takes
Liz responded on 02 Jun 2011 at 2:15 pm #
Hi Kate,
Great post! You’ll get where you want to go or you may get there and realize you were already were you wanted to be before.
Here is the best Strawberry Rhubard pie recipe ever! I wrote a post about it. I made it–it’s good!!
http://secretsofmoms.com/2011/05/20/whats-for-dessert-strawberry-rhubarb-lattice-pie-recipe/
Eat the Damn Cake » couple’s massage responded on 22 Aug 2011 at 11:48 am #
[...] Bear and I went on our belated honeymoon, back in May (about seven months after our wedding), we went all out. We did everything honeymoon-y [...]