You don’t look desperate
So here’s a problem: you like this guy who you keep running into at the poetry open mic that the bar down the street does every other week. You were both a little drunk last time, and you exchanged numbers, but then he didn’t text, and now you really want to text him, but you don’t want to look desperate. What do you do?
I get asked to solve this problem a lot.
And you know what I’m really tired of? The word “desperate.” You know which other words I hate? “Clingy” and “needy.”
“Do you think I’ll look desperate?” my friend was asking me yesterday.
“Um,” I said, “You’re gorgeous, funny, and everyone likes you.” How could that possibly spell out “desperate”?
I want to meet the single guy who gets contacted by a gorgeous, funny, likable woman, and rolls his eyes and goes, “Damn…this chick must be desperate! I didn’t even text her first!” And then I want to punch that guy in the face. Because he really deserves it.
Sometimes I wonder how much better life would be if we weren’t constantly worried what other people might be thinking. It’s not as if I never feel like that, now that I’m married. Sometimes I wonder if I can ask another woman out to dinner.
Has she shown enough interest in hanging out with me? Does she understand that I already have plenty of friends? This isn’t about me being needy. It’s about me being friendly. Do I come off as creepy? Does she think I’m clingy? She kinda looked at me funny when I made that joke about not having left my apartment in a year. Did she think that was for real?? Oh my god…She probably thinks I’m desperate.
What a weird idea– not showing interest in someone you’re interested in so that it won’t look like you’re too interested. But you ARE interested! They ARE interesting! And why not let them know? Who doesn’t like being interesting?
That’s really the mystery in the logic, I think. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like to be thought desirable and interesting. When someone asks me to hang out, I’m flattered. When I was single and guys texted me before I texted them, I thought, “Well, yeah.”
But then, I’m a girl. And it’s so much worse, somehow, to look desperate and clingy and needy and creepy when you’re a girl. Because somewhere in the dredges of our gross, coagulated collective consciousness, we believe that girls are supposed to be pursued and guys are supposed to do the pursuing. And this logic sucks. A lot.
Especially when you’re like me, and fall in love with a guy like Bear, who is really gentle and cautious and delightfully bumbling. That is my favorite kind of guy, and he needs a lot of pursuing. Guys like that don’t know that you’re pursuing them sometimes, unless you’re pretty obvious. And it’s in being obvious that the risk of looking desperate lies. Because in the obviousness are real feelings and desires. And once you’ve shown someone else what you’re actually, really feeling, you’ve made yourself vulnerable. And once you’re vulnerable— um…you’re desperate? OK, it doesn’t make sense. But that’s the way people think about it.
On our third date, Bear and I picked out a keyboard together. He’d wanted to get one and learn how to play, and he mentioned it to me, in an email. And then he said, “It might make more sense to find it online, though.” And there went our potential date.
“Wait, wait, wait,” I said. “I thought we were picking this thing out together?”
“I mean,” he said, “we don’t have to.”
“We’re doing it,” I said.
We met up and picked the keyboard, and then we had to bring it back to his apartment, which he clearly hadn’t realized up until that moment. And then we were in his apartment, and it was a mess, and he was sheepish and apologetic, and eventually we were sitting side by side on the couch, playing keyboard together, and he was being very, very careful not to touch me.
Which totally won me over.
When I look back over the beginning of our relationship (which I do a lot, because I’m still in that “oh my god, my life is perfect, we’re the best couple in the world, how did we ever find each other?” phase), the thing that I’m most grateful for is being able to somehow locate that voice inside me that goes “you look so desperate right now, sending him another email before he even responded to the first one” and kick it out of a window. Or an eyeball. Or something. What? I just said it was inside me.
Later that evening, after not touching even slightly, Bear asked if he could maybe kiss me goodnight. Neither one of us ended up looking anything except interested and open. Which is exactly what we were.
So that worked out. But even if it’s not going to work out, and the guy you text isn’t going to eventually propose to you– at least you were honest with him. And if he thinks that’s lame, find me, and I’ll punch him in the face. He seriously deserves it.
But more likely, he’ll just be flattered.
* * *
Unroast: Today I love the way I look in black and white.
Kate on June 15th 2011 in relationships
Aimée responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 12:14 pm #
I like that. I’m an intense girl, and I have often been careful not to show too much intensity to guys, in case they think I’m desperate… But intensity is a (huge) part of me, so I started embracing it (for how much the length of my arms would allow me to), because if I repress it it’s going to bounce back right at the guy’s face.
And I am afraid it’s going to kill him if he’s not ready for an intense girl.
Andee responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 12:20 pm #
Yes!! So much Yes!! The only way a honest relationship can develop is if you are both honest about feelings and interest from the beginning! Games and waiting are a waste of time. If someone really likes you they won’t care if you really like them, they’ll love it!
Ashley responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 12:24 pm #
In my own experience being the one in pursuit, I have often been seen as creepy. I’m not patient enough to wait for him to pursue me. I’ll start flirting, and it will start out nice enough but then there’s that gesture that screws it up for me. I’ll find the guy on facebook, send him a friendly message and….no reply. Why? Because now I am stalkerish. It’s happened to me on several occasions.
Lynn responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 12:34 pm #
Amen, sister
Jess responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 12:48 pm #
Love it. Thanks, Kate.
Valerie responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 1:02 pm #
Thank you so much for posting this! I think that girls need to stop thinking of themselves as appearing desperate to guys. What about those guys who are complete jerks and play that tired old game that went out of style in the 1950s where women are creepy or weird or trying to tie you down if they show some interest? They should be the ones being taunted and called jerks and egotistical weirdos that can’t cope with a woman being strong and telling you what she wants. These are the same males that complain when they chose a partner who has no substance as a person and can’t figure out what she wants because she never, ever tells them and wants to play her female role in that tired 1950s game.
Enough is enough. When guys I know complain about all of the above, I tell them they willingly played into that game and chose their role. Tough cookies and try harder next time, “bro”. Because the guys that ARE worth it can handle a bad ass chick.
Natalie responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 1:10 pm #
THANK YOU FOR THIS POST.
i needed it. especially about the subtle, need-to-be-pursued guys. it’s true.
Emily Lospennato responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 1:48 pm #
Yes, I also love this. I was talking to a man pretty frequently for a few weeks and he seemed really interested. When he suddenly stopped talking to me, my friends and family told me to just let it go. NO. I think I deserved an explanation so I asked for one. His response was condescending and mean, but instead of feeling badly about it, I thought: thank God I dodged a bullet!
Thanks for keeping your wonderful blog:)
heidi responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 2:07 pm #
I just love everything about this post. Thanks so much for enriching my day!
Cameo responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 3:29 pm #
WHERE was this post when I was “desperate” (ie in college and not gettin’ any)? Fear and insecurity hold us back from so much in life. And, having been embarassed more oft than not in my life, I now can say, what’s the big deal? So, maybe you’ll get a “no thank you” or, worse case scenario, they will insult you…but Eff Em and move on! Why are we all so afraid of one another when in essence we are all the same?
tirzahrene responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 3:29 pm #
I could totally kiss you for this post, or ask you to dinner and then feel really shy about it while waiting for your answer.
I know a lot of people who are all about “Make him chase you! Play by The Rules!” And I’m not that person. I’m not into games. I’m very straightforward. I speak my mind, even if I do leave out the less-nice bits most of the time. And if I can’t be honest with a man as who I am from the get-go, it just doesn’t feel to me like I’d have anything to build on for the future. I’m a ridiculously serious person. Being coy and not-desperate simply doesn’t suit me.
Kate responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 6:15 pm #
@tirzahrene
I’m in! Let’s go out to dinner!
joanne responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 6:55 pm #
What a great post. I’m definitely someone who falls into the “playing the game” trap which obviously has worked for me thus far (it hasn’t) as a result of a few bad experiences… which leads to more bad experiences. So I’m not going to do that anymore.
Yan responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 8:25 pm #
I’m blunt. I’m organized. I like to know what’s going on, and in return, I am totally willing to tell you what’s going on with me.
This works on very few of my potential/prospective dates, but when it does, I know there’s the possibility of something more. With my current guy, I had to find the balance of my nature and his — not for playing of games, but for giving him the space to take charge of a situation that I might otherwise have tried to “fix” on my own. We’re both learning new things and that honestly makes it more fun.
Emily responded on 15 Jun 2011 at 10:00 pm #
love love loved this
I hate that!!!! I have an overly persistent personality so I usually end up making the move eventually, and also love shy boys (although my soulmate ended up being the opposite of shy). I have definitely gotten embarrassed with this before and it is actually way worse with girls because it actually feels like more of a rejection when sex isn’t mixed up with it.
Reyna responded on 16 Jun 2011 at 3:09 am #
Thank you so much for this. I really needed it today. Now excuse me while I go text the most awesome man I’ve ever met.
Sooz responded on 16 Jun 2011 at 7:28 am #
Wow! I mean….just…..Wow….That is all.
Gaby responded on 16 Jun 2011 at 9:06 am #
I “desperately” needed this post today! I’ve got lots going on, we should have a phone date soon!
Smorgasboard of Awesome | Ega Jones responded on 16 Jun 2011 at 9:50 am #
[...] Eat the Damn Cake, You Don’t Look Desperate [...]
San D responded on 16 Jun 2011 at 12:51 pm #
Just a little perspective from an older woman. Traditionally it has been women who have been pursued and have rejected men. Tables being turned now, does that give anyone pause to think about those young men in our lives whose attentions we have spurned?
Anna responded on 16 Jun 2011 at 1:17 pm #
This is perfect. The best relationships I’ve had are ones I started. Sometimes you just have to go for it, because a guy might not even realize that you were a possibility until you let him know. It’s like a pleasant surprise.
Mandy responded on 16 Jun 2011 at 11:16 pm #
@tirzahrene
Amen, sister! Human beings have anough trouble communicating without adding lies, deception and manipulative game-playing to the mix. And why pretend to be someone you’re not?–you want a mate who enjoys the real you!
@Kate
[I’m still in that “oh my god, my life is perfect, we’re the best couple in the world, how did we ever find each other?” phase]
I totally understand what you’re talking about. I’ve been married for almost fifteen years, now, and the majority of the time, I feel the same way about my husband–I’m just overjoyed at my luck. May you and Bear still be feeling this sort of joy way past your fiftieth wedding anniversary!
zoe (and the beatles) responded on 16 Jun 2011 at 11:37 pm #
do you know how many times i’ve bitched about this!?!? it drives me NUTS we have all these weird “rules” about calling someone we’re interested in. it makes NO SENSE to not call or text or e-mail someone you’re interested in because you don’t want to seem desperate. if that person thinks you seem desperate, then there is no reason you should be with them anyway. think about it. how many times has someone expressed an interest in you? how did it make you feel? for the most part, it feels great! why withhold that from someone else, particularly when your honesty might lead to a killer date? i definitely understand vulnerability but without a smidgen of vulnerability, we’ll never know what could have happened. we’ll only know the ‘what ifs’. and i for one hate the what ifs. yes, i’ve been ignored, but hey, at least i tried!
e responded on 21 Jun 2011 at 2:59 pm #
a little late on commenting here, but i have visited and revisited this post over the last week. this is absolutely perfect, almost a motivational manifesto for me when i need that extra reminder that showing interest towards someone i like in whatever capacity isn’t A Big F’ing Deal that i have to reconsider a million times! every single time i’ve sent that text/email/whatever, even if unreciprocated, i’ve ALWAYS felt instantly better that i got it off my chest, so-called-”desperation” be damned. thank you for reminding me to recognize my hangups and then move right past them
Kate responded on 21 Jun 2011 at 3:02 pm #
@e
Thank you for commenting late rather than not at all! This comment made me happy.
KitchenChaosGirls responded on 22 Jun 2011 at 10:00 pm #
This is a wonderful post. Thank you for being so honest, and sharing your story! I think every girl needs to be told that she isn’t going to look “desperate” There’s nothing wrong with saying what you feel the need to say.