Being friends with gorgeous women
I have some seriously hot friends. Friends with stunning faces and aggressive shoulder blades and slender necks. Manhattan women who are always wearing something perfect. Sexy, coordinated outfits with confident jewelry and runway heels. Their hair does everything right. They don’t go out without makeup. Laid-back Brooklyn girls in worn jeans or yoga pants with layered tops and sloppy hair and lipgloss and perfect smiles. Girls who get checked out by every man who walks by.
(My friends and I used to love to do photoshoots. The red shirt photos are from one I did of my closest childhood friend)
Sometimes, when I’m with three or four of them at once, I look around and realize that I am the odd woman out. I mean, I’m the weirdest looking one, easy. My profile is not clean and simple and sweet. My mouth, when I’m talking, does odd things that always end up captured in the photo. Was she trying to blow a bubble? Or is that a desperate cry for help?
I am one of those girls who never finds the right outfit. I am too late to the trend, or I just pick the wrong things. Or once I put them on, I realize they don’t really work. I am also convinced I just don’t own as much clothing as most of the other women I know. Could that be true? How can I find out?
When I was little, I thought I was the prettiest girl in the world.
And then I grew up and went to a bar with a friend where a guy had a long, interesting conversation with me about multiculturalism and then asked her out.
Oh, I thought.
It confirmed a fear I had.
When I was little, I was never less of anything than my friends. I was always just interestingly different. But later, I got so good at ranking people.
In the studies about sex and beauty, they always have people rate their partners and themselves. They think it’s so interesting how people gravitate toward other people of the same level of attractiveness. “Look, they’re both a three!”
What the hell is a three? Personally, I’m going to call myself infinity.
But it’s easy to rate and rank and hierarchize, so that, out with a little group of friends, I am the lowest one sometimes, and I wonder for an instant if they all know it, and if they feel the slightest bit sorry for me, somewhere inside. God, what a terrible thought.
Speaking of terrible thoughts, I have had this one occasionally: that maybe if Bear met me at a party, with a few of my friends, he would’ve wanted one of them and not me. Why do I even let myself think that sort of thing? It’s like this evil game show my mind plays called “All Things Being Equal!” If he met us at a bar, who would his gaze pick automatically? If he didn’t know me at all?
Me, I would’ve thought as a young teenager. Or else he isn’t really interesting. (WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT A BAR, LITTLE KATE?! )
Definitely not me, I would’ve thought in college. I look totally uninteresting.
Who knows? I might think now.
Or, of course! I’m awesome.
It depends on the day.
It’s easy to look at my gorgeous friends and think that they must not struggle with their reflection in the mirror. And then one of them says something about her little breasts and another one mentions this incredibly hot friend she has, who always gets the guy, and I look around and see that everyone somehow feels the same.
Except for one friend, who goes, “I mean, come on, I’m beautiful. It’s not like I don’t know.”
And I can’t help but love her for it. Because she is. And because she should feel that way. And because it makes me suspect that I might be able to say that too.
I may not know what my look is, or where it sits on the Manhattan-Brooklyn spectrum, but I’m pretty sure I might be rocking it at least a little. My friends say that I am. And maybe I should learn to believe them.
(she took some of me, too, after she did my makeup…)
* * *
Unroast: Today I love the way I look with blue eyeliner.
P.S. Just a random note: Ever since I cut all of my hair off, I’ve been getting checked out a lot more. What is the deal with that? I did NOT expect that reaction from the world. Maybe bold is beautiful! Maybe they’re just trying to figure out if I’m a boy or a girl 
Kate on July 1st 2011 in beauty, being different, body
Jessi responded on 01 Jul 2011 at 10:13 am #
ha!
my sister and i had very short hair for a very long time…
i would see her new haircut and would emulate… and visa versa…
we always loved how much attention it would bring. it sounds a bit self centered to type it out… but its nice to get attention. even negative…
we kind of got off on when someone would comment, “you should let your hair grow.”
because THEN i could reply with my favorite comment, “lets not get into WHO should do what, ok?”
and the comments/looks from men AND women felt nice. so many women would say how sexy it is… and one older gentleman i used to work with (and he truly was a gentleman) told us once how much he liked our short hair. he said he liked short hair because then you know a woman is truly beautiful. she’s confident, not afraid to show who she is… not hiding behind hair.
i always thought of him whenever someone said something snarky.
BUT, i’m now growing my hair out… for a change. its shoulder length… which is a big step for me. and i miss my short hair… someday it will return.
i love your short hair look… be who you are. short hair lets you rely on your features more… beautiful features. who the hell wants a boring face?
besides, its just hair.
thanks so much for your awesome posts… i’m glad to see there is someone else who loves them-self.
Jessi
P.S. I decided a long time ago to stop being hard on myself. and i’ve never been happier. now i’m the friend who says how hot she is. i’m short, “curvy”, with “fine” hair and edging into 30. i’ve never been hotter.
Sooz responded on 01 Jul 2011 at 10:30 am #
I love this post. (I feel like I say that about all your posts…but it’s true!). My friends tell me I’m beautiful but I just don’t buy it. I grew up with my blonde blue eyed busty younger sister and I never felt up to snuff. I also grew up with rich girls who had all the best stuff and I had my JCPenney outfit on. I am always the roundest, most cellulitey, most unfashionable woman in the room. It’s hard to think of myself in any other terms. It’s hard not to be down on myself. But reading posts like yours helps me put things in a little better perspective and I just adore you for that!!!!
Jess responded on 01 Jul 2011 at 12:21 pm #
Kate, now that I’ve finally gotten to hang out with you, I can unequivocally say that you’re hot. Long hair, short hair, whatever. And your friend probably are too. And that short hair, depending where you hang out, is not as freakishly bold as you may think (fear?). It’s just an interesting choice. And the fact that you “look interesting” is the hot part.
The only guy I’ve ever picked up at a bar was the man I’m currently living with (I can say that now! Squee!) and I wasn’t with a group of female friends. Girl herds are like that. They’re an evil, evil thing that always makes someone feel like the lowest on the totem pole. To an extent, we’re all just animals, have herd instincts, and use them to make mating choices. They aren’t always the best choices. They’re rarely the life-partner choices. Because that’s not how mating in a herd works.
This got really long and rambly. But I like it!
David responded on 01 Jul 2011 at 1:36 pm #
Hi Kate,
I wandered into your blog through Deborah’s Facebook connection to you, and got caught by the prose of your first paragraph. I think you have some seriously good writing in here, and urge you to keep this up.
I will share something I have found useful, although I am a guy and understand that women have more complicated cultural framework to work out around body image.
It’s that I periodically let myself look bad. I push the boundary of what is comfortable as a way to break out of anyone’s expectation of me. I HATE being defined by the expectation of another, and this practice has helped me to feel free of that, perhaps something like the way buddhist monks and army recruits are given a shaved head when they first enter the monastary or the service. It is to free you of the expectations of who you think you are.
It may have worked a little too well. Deb complains periodically that I dress too often like I “don’t care” how I look. Maybe that is true in a negative sense, but I think it is also true in a very positive sense, and it is very liberating.
David Henry
HollyS responded on 01 Jul 2011 at 1:40 pm #
Thanks for saying this out loud. I am not a “traditional beauty”, but I think I’m okay; dark and mysterious-looking. I was once called “exotically pretty” by a best guy-friend, and it still makes me wonder what he meant; some days that rocks and some days it stings; I was too embarrassed to ask at the time.
I had 2 older brothers, one of whom teased me until my self-esteem was nil, and I think that’s where my critical inner-voice comes from. I have always done this, the comparing, and growing up, I would never measure up to my beautiful friends. Darker, plumper, taller, shyer. More rebellious, more serious. Less cheerful. Guys hung out with me but dated my friends. They were like bright fires, attracting attention everywhere they went. I didn’t realize then that they felt just like I did. Maybe they were blonde, blue-eyed cheerleaders, but they admired me for some quality they didn’t possess. It’s always easier to see the beauty in someone else….
Deanna responded on 01 Jul 2011 at 2:23 pm #
You may just be hard on yourself. I know I am. I never outgrew it and I’m way past 30. I bet you are very bit as hot as all those women you see. I mean I live in Southern Cal. where the most beautiful women in the world supposedly live and I see lots and lots of women who are not hot.
When I was in my teens and 20s all of my friends had better hair, darker tans, prettier smiles…you name it. I was tall, skinny, fine hair, skin that never tanned…exactly what guys did not like. I was soooo envious of my friends and all the attention they got. One day this very sexy French man at a party came up to me and hit the nail on the head. He said to me…in French, of course, ‘you don’t get much attention from men do you yet you are far more beautiful than any women in this room.” He then told me that ‘boys’ were very unoriginal in what they found to be beautiful (just look at Hugh Hefner and his bevy of blonde bimbos that all look alike). It turned out this Frenchie was working on his PhD at Harvard in some sort of sciene so he was no dumbie…Yay!
You know Kate. your posts remind me so much of me and what I am thinking. Thank you for putting it all into words.
Emily responded on 01 Jul 2011 at 2:53 pm #
t’s so ironic how we perceive ourselves and the world… I was always jealous of Kate’s look growing up. We would trade clothing back and forth and I was always too big for things. We would put on crazy outfits and go walk around Princeton to see reactions. I always felt too big, like I could never possibly compare to Kate’s tiny figure and bold styling. I thought that everything looked better on her. I hated looking boring. I wanted to pull off wild. Kate does.
I have other hot friends too. For a while, I was going to the bars with another grad student who was apparently way hotter than me. I can’t count the amount of times she got hit on with the two of us standing side by side. Guys would eye flirt with me across the room and then when they came over and started up a conversation they would switch their efforts to her. I never actually wanted any of those guys but the statement was clear – you are not as hot as her.
But I guess eventually I just came to love my own self. I think that can be highly attributed to my partner Josh who never fails to tell me how beautiful he thinks I am. But I wouldn’t trade bodies with most people. Not because they aren’t hotter than me, but because I just wouldn’t feel like me, and really.. I like me.
So yeah, that’s what I have to say as the pictured friend
I have always been jealous of Kate. She has always set the bar in my mind. And, continues to be super super hot. Love the hair!
Cary responded on 01 Jul 2011 at 3:05 pm #
Looooooooove it!!!! You rock Kate! Keep em’ comin’!!! Lots of love from a 38year old unschooling hot Mama of three young sweethearts who hopefully will always know they rock it too.
(p.s. Love your skipping school blog too. Has helped ground me in some tough days.)
Jen responded on 01 Jul 2011 at 8:23 pm #
This is a favorite quote from my husband’s granddad. He was WWII vet and Italian (raised in America), a man used to speaking it right out.
He said to be wary of getting carried away by looks because, “no matter what she looks like, somewhere some man is sick of her s**t.”
Julie - StressStories responded on 02 Jul 2011 at 3:48 am #
Thank you for this post! Because I feel like what you describe a lot of the time. But I’ve figured out that for me, it isn’t only about looks. It’s about appearance and confidence.
Whenever I’m out with one of my best friends, I feel like “the odd one out”. And it’s not because her looks is that much better than mine, it’s simply because she oozes confidence and she’s so much at peace with herself. She has fun, takes life as it comes and enjoys it. I always think about the future and try to position myself for a better life.
So I’ve found out that I tend to feel like being less, when I’m out with people who has the personal qualities I admire and want to have myself. That my friend is so confident just makes her instantly prettier (even prettier – she’s a beauty).
melle responded on 02 Jul 2011 at 10:59 am #
aahhh! fashion and all that. Somehow I am completely clueless about all things girl. I have friends who really cake on the makeup and I don’t have any idea how it works.
I have friends who can actually find their wardrobe in thrift stores (where are they hiding it, because every time I go it’s just hideous stuff!).
I have friends who can just float into one of those clothing stores in the malls (that pump out trendy music and only stock size 0) and not feel like they are being judged for even thinking they might belong there.
I know for a fact that I have fewer clothes than my friends, because I have fewer clothes than my own boyfriend! I wish there was someplace us fashion tards could go for some serious help.
Deanna responded on 02 Jul 2011 at 3:42 pm #
@Melle. You know what you could do if you want to learn more about fashion: You could visit a small boutique and ask someone to give you a hand in selecting an outfit or two. Be very firm on what you can afford. The nice thing is they would pick out a few things and you could remember what they were and buy them elsewhere. It’s like a free lesson in how to dress.
I’m not huge on accessories. I don’t want lots and lots of stuff lying around because I don’t have a lot of storage or closet space and I don’t like clutter. I tend to wear a few good pieces of jewelry, rarely wear belts and don’t know a thing about scarves. I just wear clothes and I tend to hold on to things I like forever.
Good luck,
Jak responded on 03 Jul 2011 at 1:43 am #
I feel the same way with my friends. I’m never the first one looked at, and it’s a special day when I am looked at, period. Somehow nothing on me seems to come together correctly. Thank you for sharing the same thoughts I’ve had in my head. Between your blog and a very persistent friend I might come to think better of myself some day.
San D responded on 03 Jul 2011 at 9:03 am #
I feel the same way when I am with my sister. She gets the looks and whistles. Occasionally when I am wearing my funky clothes compared to her sexy clothes, I might get a stare or two. I am sure she looks at me as the odd ‘woman’ out in life, but when I look at her I see what I can not do, I can not just live on coffee and fruit to be a size 2, I can get myself tatooed, I can not spend hundreds on a hair cut, I can not spend thousands on purses alone, I can not spend hours getting plucked, waxed, buffed, tanned and polished. That is not me.
Marissa responded on 03 Jul 2011 at 10:46 am #
Infinity. I like that. Boundless. Limitless. Undefined. Screw 3, 5, 7 or 10. I want to be infinity, too.
zoe (and the beatles) responded on 03 Jul 2011 at 12:40 pm #
my love, you’re getting checked out more because you’re carrying yourself with confidence. people only see you how you see you. it looks to me like you’ve finally realized the beauty you possess and that you’re radiating it, not slumping and hiding it like you may have in the past. we’re attracted to confident people.
regardless, i struggle with this issue all the time. i have gorgeous friends. gorgeous. the kind where men and women just stare. when they are single i get anxious when we go out because i think, “oh, no one will want to talk to me. what’s the fucking point?” i get all caught up in the comparison game. really though, it comes down to not caring. it comes down to honing your non-physical traits. beauty can only get you so far. inner beauty translate to outer beauty. this is what i am slowly learning. the less i care about my appearance, the more comfortable i seem to feel in my body. and all that confidence i’ve started to own and radiate has apparently been attracting a lot of people (!)
if you sulk and brood and over analyze your self perceived “ugliness”, of course no one will hit on you. again, we’re attracted to confidence, quiet or not. something about someone who is comfortable in his or her own skin is wildly attractive.
(whoa, rant. clearly, i loved this post.)
also, this is why i love you: I’m going to call myself infinity. you effin’ rock lady.
unroast: today i love my hair. it’s a complete mess but all i did earlier was wake up, roll out of bed, and call it a day. i love that it falls into place. or, rather, into a perfect mess
MWN responded on 04 Jul 2011 at 6:03 pm #
“What are you doing in a bar, Little Kate?!” haha, love it!
Did I tell you I cut off all my hair too? Just in time for graduation. Your example definitely added to my decision. At first I loved it 50% of the time and hid from mirrors the other 50% of the time, but now I love it and want to keep it this length or shorter for the foreseeable future.
Leela responded on 05 Jul 2011 at 3:14 am #
A very interesting post, I really enjoy reading your thoughts on beauty and body image! I had a similar experience when I shaved my hair off a while ago – I suddenly felt very confident and appealing, ’twas lovely. x
Kate responded on 05 Jul 2011 at 10:17 am #
@MWN
You didn’t tell me! Awesome. I bet it looks amazing. And congratulations on graduating! Write to me and tell me what you’re up to now!
melrose responded on 05 Jul 2011 at 1:05 pm #
bold is totally beautiful!
I always feel that I’m more attracted to women who are DIFFERENT! I wouldn’t put myself in that category, I’m definitely your “traditional” brunette, but it is most definitely the non-traditionals who catch my eye.
“Personally, I’m going to call myself infinity.”
Kind of my favorite statement of the day.
Eat the Damn Cake » I want to look like a pirate queen responded on 11 Jan 2012 at 12:54 pm #
[...] inches high. And her coat was a block of faux fur. And her lips were a daring shade of darkest red. And she looked incredible. She looked like something out of a portal to another [...]