I don’t care enough to hate myself enough to change myself
I was having this debate with a friend about self-discipline and food and dieting and what really matters in life. He thought that self-discipline matters a lot and is reflected in what you choose to eat and how able you are to not eat the things you shouldn’t eat. If you are strong enough, you can lose as much weight as you want. If you’re the kind of person who successfully loses weight, you’re the kind of person who succeeds at everything else too. It’s all about the attitude.
I thought that people should like themselves.
Really, there’s probably a compromise here. If someone is trying to lose weight, I’m not standing next to them at the gym with a bag of Doritos, going, “You’re wasting your time! Want some pizza? I could really go for a pizza…” I think losing weight is a completely legitimate goal in plenty of cases. I don’t think it has to be a symptom of superficiality or self-hatred. It can be really, really healthy.
But I also think that it’s important to think about why you have the goals you have. It’s really easy to want something without thinking about why you want it. Or, when you’re asked why, to cough up the response you heard someone give on TV. It’s really easy to cough that response up when you ask yourself.
There are a lot of things I’m not supposed to eat.
Bagels, pizza, cheeseburgers, ice cream, cake, strawberry rhubarb pie, cookies, sub sandwiches, chips, fake butter, processed food, a milkshake (I guess that’s drinking, anyway), Honey Nut Cheerios (do I really have to capitalize that whole thing?), and so much more
There are a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t eat those things. And those reasons make me feel guilty if I eat the aforementioned (one of my favorite words) things a lot. I agree with the research that says people shouldn’t eat tons of carbs all day long. I agree that it’s always important to be concerned with your health and longevity. I also am a big fan of pleasure. And pizza. And happiness. And fun. And I can’t have the first one and the last two without the second one.
That could’ve been arranged a little better.
Anyway, my friend is extremely successful in ways everyone can understand. He is a big deal guy who everyone can see will someday (probably really soon) rule the world. He is intensely motivated and intensely self-disciplined. And it has really paid off.
Debating about food with him made me realize something about myself that I keep realizing and then forgetting a little. Something that I thought about a little differently but began to realize similarly in this post about Bear’s birthday:
I just don’t care that much.
How is that possible? I write about body image nearly every day. I whine about my arms being chubby and my stomach sticking out. I freak out slightly about putting on a bikini. I put the bikini on and find I’m OK. I forget the next day and freak out again.
But despite all of that– I don’t really change the way I live or eat. I’m absolutely predictable and average in that way. Maybe I’m not cut out for running the world. Maybe I’m not cut out for obvious success. I am not fast-tracked. It’s possible that I’m not tracked at all. I’m off somewhere in the woods, trying to write a poem about this crazy tree with an amazing scar from the lightning.
I try to exercise so that I can live longer. I try to eat vegetables so that I can, yeah, live longer. I would be happy if the exercise turned my legs into the legs of a goddess. I would be happy if the vegetables got me full before I ate something that would contribute to my arms’ chubbiness.
But at the end of the day, I don’t care enough to hate myself enough to change myself enough to meet some vague goal about how I should look.
Here is what I do care about:
I care about liking myself.
Because my body is always going to change. I will never really be in complete control. And it’s that fight for complete control that destroys people.
So I want to start at the heart of it: I can’t win a poorly defined battle against the processes of being alive. I can get to know what I am really about. What really makes me happy. In what ways I am really beautiful– by being who I am, rather than being something I should be.
I can’t promise that I’ll never go on a diet or exercise to lose weight or be proud when my stomach looks flatter. But I hope that I’ll never stop fighting to appreciate myself for so much more than that. And I hope that I’ll never learn to care so much about the way I’m supposed to look that I lose sight of how good I look right now.
Because there’s a lot of stuff I want to do with my life, and I’d much rather do it than waste too much time on trying to look the kind of woman who would look best doing those things.
(source)
* * *
Unroast: Today I love the way my shoulders look when they’re a little sunburned.
P.S. Yes! Orange nailpolish is the best color right now! (that was Re: yesterday’s comments)
Meg responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 1:29 pm #
There are a lot of interesting ideas in this post. I think you could flesh them out more. And you totally nailed it with that last line. Love it.
And your discussion with your friend sounds like an interesting one. My thought: if weight-loss is 100% about having the self-discipline to follow the correct diet and correct exercise regime, and if “you’re the kind of person who successfully loses weight, you’re the kind of person who succeeds at everything else too”, then be default no overweight person would be successful at anything, right?
Another Kate responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 1:36 pm #
I have no self-control when it comes to food (or time management, which is why I stayed up until 5am last night. Or I guess, technically that would be this morning. But I digress. Ummm… Ew. I’ve sort of always wanted to say “I digress”, but that sounded stupid.), but it comes from a time after I left home and made food my rebellion against my controlling mother. In a way, being out of control was my way of being in control, and it messed with my habits. I’ve been struggling with it ever since, and sometimes I do really well… that is, until I suddenly need to eat an entire bag of cheetoes or a bunch of bowls of Lucky Charms just for the marshmallowy goodness. And I’m about 100 lbs overweight, which I hate. In the eyes of the world, I am unsuccessful. But I don’t consider myself to be unsuccessful at all. I have lost 70 lbs. I would call that success, wouldn’t you? I will eventually lose the rest. I started a blog chronicling my weight loss and explaining how I got so ridiculous, but I haven’t only wrote a few times. What? I’m very busy.
I’m 30, and I don’t have some powerful, successful job, but that is the last thing in the world I want. I’m extremely successful in the things that matter to me: being awesome, having a ton of friends, making people laugh, being an awesome aunt, knitting, crocheting, and sewing like a maniac, and finally realizing and pursuing what I want to do with my life (Writing. And working with orphans. And then writing about working with orphans.) I’m sure your friend’s idea of success would be nightmarish to me. I’m happy with who I am. And people like me. A lot of people.
Another Kate responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 1:43 pm #
And by “but I haven’t only wrote a few times”, I definitely meant that I haven’t written consistently, and that I only wrote a few times before stopping altogether. Maybe I should read what I write after changing mid-thought. o_O
Kate responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 1:45 pm #
@Another Kate
You sound like you have a really interesting story!
And I had to go back and correct and update this post like three times since publishing it, so maybe I should read what I write as well
Jenifer responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 1:46 pm #
Sometimes I feel as though you live in my head, and tell me the things that I need to hear. I love this post, not only because its inspiring, but because it touches on thoughts that have been bouncing around in my brain a lot this past week. I used to be in the same camp as your friend, and burnt out. I’m in the process to move towards your mentality, and its posts like this that help when the “perfectionist” part of me wants to resume control. Thank you so much for writing this post!
Kate responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 1:48 pm #
@Jenifer
Thank you for this comment! Comments like this one make me feel like I’m doing something right, writing about this stuff.
Pip responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 2:10 pm #
I can’t think of a way to say this without it coming out really schmaltzy but I feel like a view that doesn’t come across in this particular piece is that there are ways to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight that don’t involve hating yourself OR being really focused (or even only thinking about living longer- btw i hope this doesn’t sound overly critical as I love your site and your writing!). I eat healthy because I love myself and so I want to give my body all the nutrients and energy that it wants and deserves (and also a lot of healthy food is really delicious, even more delicious than junk food once you shift perspectives I think). I exercise because it’s fun, it makes me feel strong and sexy and I really enjoy the sports I do and all the endorphins I get. Anyway, obviously I’m not wonder woman and I don’t always feel like that but it is genuinely where I come from most of the time with regards to my healthy eating and exercise and I just thought it was a slightly different perspective to put forward (hope I haven’t grossly misinterpreted your point). x
Jennifer Jo responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 2:13 pm #
Many interesting ideas, a bunch of which echo a post I’m in the middle of writing (I’m procrastinating).
A couple thoughts, mostly in regards to your friend’s theory:
*we are all fallible
*we often fall prey to the belief that we have more control over our lot in life than we actually do (I think this need for control is motivated by fear)
*what is the definition of success anyway?
Kate responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 2:16 pm #
@Pip
I agree with you completely. I didn’t emphasize that point enough. To clarify the message of the post: If people want to lose weight, that’s great. But they shouldn’t just do it because of some vague sense that they’re supposed to be skinnier than they are now. Ultimately it’s more important to like yourself than it is to prove that you are in control of your body. Maybe I should go back and put that in the post more clearly.
My excuse: I wrote this post in fifteen minutes, so it is far from thorough.
My rebuttal of my excuse: I’m putting my thoughts out into the world for everyone to read them, so there isn’t really a good excuse for being sloppy.
I disagree with you about healthy food and junk food, though. Nothing tastes better to me than a really junky donut
Deanna responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 2:26 pm #
Remember my blog not too long ago about the Uber Type A who would not be happy until he/she not only ran the world but ran a marathon in record time too? These people are never happy…they keep raising their bar and once they reach the bar, they raise it again. It’s not about what they are doing or how well they are doing; it’s about how well everyone else is doing and how they compare.
I would venture to guess that these same Uber As (my term) have restricted diets. I suspect they rarely indulge.
I recently found out that I am borderline diabetic despite the fact that I work out all the time and eat healthy and am very very thin. It’s like getting skin cancer and never sitting in the sun…but enough. I met with a friend who spoke to me about a diet that could helpe me. She gave me some ideas on books I could read. The diet was so severe and so restricted that it may be dizzy thinking about it. Of course all the writers were also Tri-athletes who compete in record time (not enough to just finish one), medical doctors, gourmet chefs, writers and probably have PhDs in astro-somethingorother too. No thanks. I’ll just keep eating as I have been while cutting back a bit on white stuff and sugar. Just the thought of being in a crowd of uber As makes me want to go back to bed.
Laurel responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 2:26 pm #
It really gets to me that so many people associate thinness with success/self-control. For someone to actively try to lose weight and succeeds, that is something to celebrate. But just assuming that a thin person is also successful and has good self-control is really off base. Some people are thin naturally and require no effort to maintain their shape. Sometimes people are thin because of illness, stress,disorders or addiction. And yet because they are thin, people attribute good qualities not just to their bodies but to their personalities. That really burns me up.
I would have had a pretty hard time staying civil with your lawyer friend.
Natalie responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 2:26 pm #
OMG.
i was JUST having this internal debate on the elevator this morning. i thought: wow, i’d love to KNOW i look great in a bikini, but honestly, i kind of like myself and don’t hate myself enough to change enough the types of things i do (or don’t do) to get there.
there are more important things in life than thinking you look super saucy on the beach…like ice cream. which i’m eating now, and am not “supposed” to eat. but whatevs, because ice cream makes me happy.
your blog rocks.
San D responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 3:20 pm #
a) if it were that easy to stop eating and lose weight, we’d all be skinny minnies if we wanted to.
b) those of us with food obsessions already feel like crap without those of you without food obsessions, so thanks for sharing your “willpower” diagnosis (not you Kate, but your friend)
c) Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart. ~Erma Bombeck
Kate responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 3:25 pm #
@San D
I love that quote!!!
But also, in my friend’s defense, he’s a really good guy. Just with a totally different perspective. And maybe a more traditionally male perspective in some ways?
Emily responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 4:40 pm #
I was going to say that about the male perspective.. I’ve talked to a lot of guys about exercise and weight loss, and it’s important to remember that men have a really different set of physical facts to work with. Women don’t build muscle as easily, we don’t loose weight as easily, and we have natural fat deposits all over our body that are really supposed to be there (especially as we mature). It’s kind of ridiculously easy for a guy to say that weight-loss is all about will-power, because for many guys, it is (of course genetic differences make this far from universal).
For women, we may be less able to just shift our weight from dieting. Of course, anyone can starve themselves, but eating healthy food is not any kind of guarantee. I’ve seen so many women struggle with their weight while sticking to a prescribed diet. I’ve seen others starve themselves to get the weight off and ending up far less healthy.
I do agree that heathy food tastes waaaay better than junk food when you have adjusted your tastes. I used to love soda, but now the taste sugar is too crazy intense. Juice is even too sweet for me so I drink water with mint. But studies show, women love carbs. And that might mean that our bodies need it for something. When we stop worrying about whether our arms and stomachs have a little bit of chub, we will make a lot of progress in terms of figuring out what we really need to be healthy, long-living people. The oldest woman alive said that her secret was always taking care of her own needs and eating a good breakfast which included coffee and a breakfast roll. This isn’t exactly the common wisdom on healthy food, but there she is, trucking away well over 100 years.
Makes you think…
Sooz responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 6:14 pm #
Dude. I totally don’t care about looking a certain way either. I am so lazy that way. I am overweight but every time I go to the doctor’s office they tell me I am healthy! I have so many more things going on in my life (4 kids, husband, friends, work…) that I don’t have time to worry about my weight. I figure it doesn’t really matter what I look like at this point. Who I am is more important. So, thanks again for a super thoughtful and awesome post!
Madeleine responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 6:39 pm #
I agree with you that people should like themselves, and I also think people should enjoy their lives. And good food is part of enjoying life. Not just the food itself, but the experience of preparing food with and for people you care to spend time with while eating the food, and all the relationships that deepen around a table or on a picnic blanket in the summer … it’s about the nourishment, through the food and through the relationships and through all the memories food connects us to. It’s not about the extremes of feeling super successful because you “manage” your food in some strict way, but it’s also not about eating loads of junk food because you consider yourself of a different sort. I think it’s about the experience of eating being truly nourishing in the end, and figuring out how to do that as best we can.
By the way, Kate, I love your blog! Thanks for all the great ideas and discussion.
anna responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 6:50 pm #
“I can’t win a poorly defined battle against the processes of being alive.”
love it!
(another) Kate responded on 07 Jul 2011 at 7:27 pm #
Kate, I love your blog!
Your friend does seem to have a more traditionally male perspective, but it’s not a coincidence that eating disorders have been associated with perfectionism and Type A personalities.
Anyway, the real point of my comment is to agree with your unroast today — I got sunburned hiking this weekend and love it
Happy summer!
Yet Another Kate responded on 08 Jul 2011 at 12:03 am #
Being thin and losing weight do not equal being healthy. A lot of times that gets lost in talking about weight loss. Having the “self discipline” of an anorexic or starving yourself for the sake of being skinny are not at all healthy behaviors.
Not that your friend was necessarily inferring that it was, but health and size get confused a lot.
It’s funny that you posted this because my dad once told me his motivation for working out was he looked in the mirror and hated what he saw. I was horrified! I think it should be about realizing your potential. I’m with Pip – I work out a lot because I love martial arts and the better shape I’m in the better I can do things like tornado kicks and beat the crap out of people.
Chiara responded on 08 Jul 2011 at 9:35 am #
… This is the first time I write here, after months of regular lurking, and I just wanted to say Hi! and Applause!
I find the whole “success” thing quite scary: willpower is good, but it won’t make a God out of you. Love might do this! That’s why I decided to start to exercise love (it sounds quite cheesy, but still). And reading your blog, I think you’re a pro in this!
I wish one day I will be able to think a little bit more the way you explained: for now, all I can do is trying to remember to take care of myself and others. I try to remember that love and care don’t need a reason to be felt and given.
You’re awesome. And talking about pizza, greeting from Italy!
melle responded on 08 Jul 2011 at 11:44 am #
Yes, I recently thought it was kind of funny that I can be so disciplined when it comes to going to work each day, or waking up at a certain time in the morning, but I simply can’t be disciplined around food.
Like you said, I just don’t care enough. There are much bigger worries in my life when it comes to “self esteem”. Yes, I am overweight and I would like to not be overweight. But when I think about the work that’s involved… my self hatred pales in comparison to my hatred of boring exercise! Or my fear of leaving the house which gets in the way of fun exercises.
Most of the time, I’m simply confused. I look good in mirrors. I look absolutely terrible in photos and window reflections. I know that the latter is my true self and my mirror self is the fake one, but the fake self seems to win over every time. Optimism?
Not to mention how everyone talks about how difficult it is, how impossible it is to lose weight on birth control, diet restrictions that seem unnatural and simply don’t work… It sounds so much like a lost cause.
Jen responded on 10 Jul 2011 at 10:31 am #
Hi Kate, I really enjoy your blog! It’s so refreshing. You inspired me to write about my love of chocolate. Your blog really resonates with a lot of people. I think you should love yourself (unroasting is cool) all the time. So many people want to knock others down. Let’s support each other and be kind to ourselves. I love your message!
Jen
Kim responded on 10 Jul 2011 at 3:32 pm #
Long time lurker, first time commenter.
I love you, Kate. And this post made me love you all the more. I have struggled, and struggled, and beat myself up over this very issue.
I’m a 40-year-old former physique competitor who USED to have the body of my dreams…just 2 years ago. Flat, ripped abs? Had ‘em. Size zero booty shorts? Wore ‘em. Got lots of attention? You bet.
But you know what? Its TOO DAMN HARD TO KEEP IT ALL! And its just not worth it too me. Healthy is important. And loving the skin I’m in is crucial. Because my beautiful little girl is watching and listening. God forbid she should grow up to hate her body because of something I said about my own body.
Thank you, Kate. You just may have saved a family and a life.
Kate responded on 11 Jul 2011 at 10:27 pm #
@Kim
It IS too damn hard. And what?? Former physique competitor?! Someone clearly has a memoir waiting to be written!
Thank you for this comment, and I’m glad I was helpful, though I definitely can’t take too much credit. You’re the one making the decision to model healthy behavior for your daughter. Good for you!!
caitlin responded on 12 Jul 2011 at 5:22 pm #
Amen Sista!
Purple responded on 14 Jul 2011 at 1:53 pm #
But you do hate yourself enough to get elective surgery. Just saying…
Kate responded on 14 Jul 2011 at 2:00 pm #
@Purple
I got cosmetic surgery over three years ago. My relationship with my appearance changes all the time.
Eat the Damn Cake » It’s OK to feel really ugly sometimes responded on 15 Jul 2011 at 10:16 am #
[...] Most of the time, I feel like I’m fine. I think my self-esteem is in decent shape. I grew up thinking I was gorgeous, which was lucky and, I think, pretty unusual. I started comparing myself to other women and to unrealistic beauty standards when I was 18 or so. I got a nose job (as a reader called me out on the other day, when I talked about not hating myself enough to change myself). [...]
Andini Rizky responded on 15 Jul 2011 at 10:34 pm #
Kate, I really love the way you respond to Purple.
[Never Say Diet] Love Your Body, It’s Perfect — Now Change! | Beauty Schooled responded on 19 Jul 2011 at 6:02 pm #
[...] on flaws and not nearly focused enough on good things. I just wasn’t into that. To quote Kate of Eat the Damn Cake: I don’t hate myself enough to change myself that [...]
Body Con(scious)Bonne Vie | Bonne Vie responded on 21 Jul 2011 at 10:22 am #
[...] Kate from Eat The Damn Cake says in this post: “Really, there’s probably a compromise here. If someone is trying to lose [...]
Beth responded on 22 Jul 2011 at 9:26 am #
Absolutely love your blog and this post especially!
Lara responded on 11 Aug 2011 at 6:48 pm #
I am a new reader and as I scan through these posts, I am loving all of them. You’re world is so different from my quiet life in rural Idaho. But so many struggles are the same.
The summer after I graduated high school, my best friend and I flew out to Chicago. I had an innocent fling with a boy named Keith who I fell in love with just a little bit. He was so grounded and inspiring. He gave me the best advice I have ever received in my life. “There are only two questions in life. What do you want? And how bad do you want it?”
Sometimes we forget to answer that second question. We either neglect to really work for what we want…or forget to consider the amount of work and knowingly realize we don’t want it bad enough to do what we have to do. I don’t think it matters what the answer to that second question is…I think it is important that we ask it.
You addressed that perfectly in this post.