the end of best friends

I was reading this chick lit book on the plane. I secretly like chick lit a lot (as long as the grammar is good). I don’t let myself read it very much. Because I am young, foolish, and married, I like books with “husband” in the title. Which I am the slightest bit proud of, because I feel like it somehow helps balance all the interest in books with “wife” in the title. That’s like the most subtle type of subversion ever. Ever. Lame.

Anyway– I was reading this book with “husband” in the title, and hoping that the main character wasn’t going to go back to the ex-boyfriend, now that he was famous and stuff, and then the best friend popped up, rooting for her at every turn. The main character wrote for a newspaper and the best friend, who was of course drop-dead gorgeous, a successful lawyer, and super upbeat, wrote letters to the editor all the time, about how great her friend’s writing was.

And suddenly I felt bad. A little empty.

Best women friends are probably a fantasy. I don’t know why I still believe in them. Best women friends in books and movies are always incredibly devoted. They are often peppy and fun and a little crazy. They are the cheerleaders yelling “YOU CAN DO IT, GIRL!” behind the protagonist. They are always there. They fly to the ramshackle cottage you rented somewhere in the Italian countryside and are there to surprise you just when your life falls apart. They pick up the pieces. They know all of your favorite foods.

I don’t have a woman in my life like that.

I don’t have a best friend.

I have lots of friends (she says quickly and defensively). I do! People like me! (She exclaims urgently.) But really– I have friends. Awesome, clever, lovely women who seem to think I’m cool. I care about them a lot. I am thankful as hell for them. But I haven’t known almost any of them for years and years. There hasn’t even been much time to sit on a couch for nine hours straight and bond with them individually. I catch bits of closeness like fireflies–I let them go again, so it isn’t awkward for anyone. I take quick gulps of closeness, and then I have to put the cup down, because I don’t want to look greedy. I don’t want to seem needy.

I have drifted apart from my oldest friends. I have broken up with them. They have disappeared suddenly. They have chosen other people instead of me and stopped calling. They have suddenly been too far away. Even when far away is the difference between Brooklyn and Manhattan.

Is it me? Am I not upbeat enough? Am I not enough of a cheerleader? Is it life? Is that just what happens? Is it them?

It’s probably everything.

The other day, on my anniversary, I was sitting in a hotel room looking out at the rain. Bear was going to be gone the whole day. I had gotten some work done on my computer. I wanted to talk to someone, and it seemed like the perfect time to give my best friend a call. And then it occurred to me I didn’t know who to call. Who even talks on the phone much anymore?

I have literally never had a real conversation on the phone with most of my new friends.

Email. Obviously the solution.

I stared at the screen. I didn’t feel lonely so much as I felt sort of dully surprised. Wait. This isn’t supposed to happen.

Or maybe best friends are just over? Maybe the incredibly close friends I used to have as a teenager, with whom I shared everything– whose favorite foods I always knew– maybe they’re just harder to find now. People are busy. People have partners. Or they already have those friends and I’ve already fallen away from mine.

But I miss it. I miss that closeness. The knowing you can call someone any time. The knowing you can be totally awkward once you’ve called. The knowing they will love you anyway. They will always love you anyway. When did it get so cautious and conditional?

I began an email. I deleted it. I began it again.  I wrote to a girl I’ve become friends with pretty recently. Because best friends have to start somewhere.

*  *  *

Unroast: Today I love the way I look in a turtleneck.

 

35 Comments »

Kate on October 21st 2011 in fear, friendship, life, relationships

35 Responses to “the end of best friends”

  1. San D responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 8:01 am #

    My bestie is my husband, and then my sister, and then I have a whole bunch of really really really close friends. These friends have been cultivated over many years, and oddly enough are single without children. As I, too, am without children, and while very married, I still travel, go to the theater, museums, shop, etc with my close friends (including my sister). Best friends take “work” in that you have to share experiences, see them quite often, and have a common language and bond to grow with. I see each of my close close close friends at least once a month for lunch, and in between we go to NYC for fun, or travel to somewhere in the USA for a long weekend. It is during these forrays that we “talk”. Yes, it is easier now that I am retired, and so are they, but guess what? We made it work, while we were working as well. It goes without saying that we keep in touch over email, and send each other relevant articles, photos, jokes, and videos. The communication is ongoing.

  2. Caitlin responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 8:03 am #

    I think about this a lot, too…whenever a friend comes to town for the weekend and we have the opportunity to sit and talk and “catch up” for hours, I always feel such a let down when they have to leave and we go back to our texting/emailing/brief phone call relationship. I think some of it stems from have such ready access to your friends during college – almost everyone lives in a small radius and has more free time then they ever will again. We also move a lot more than people used to, so maintaining friendships becomes another part-time job.

  3. LeeH responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 9:52 am #

    I have a best friend, and she is an amazing gift.
    When I was 35 my family moved from NJ to FL, and after a few months I was invited to a Tupperware party. I did not know the woman hosting the party, hardly knew anyone on my street, but I did know one woman who was going so I went along, hoping to become better friends with her. Well, I met HER next-door neighbor and it was like I had been waiting all my life for her to appear and finally, FINALLY she was here. She brought all her stuff and moved into my life.
    She is the other side of my brain, if I don’t know (or can’t remember) I call her. When she needs Dr Mom, she calls me.
    I cross-stitched a thing for her wall..”You’re stuck with me now, we never can part. You’re the right side of my brain, the left side of my heart”
    I love her, and even though we live miles and miles and miles apart, she’s there on the other end of the phone whenever I need her. My favorite thing to do when I have a little extra money is call her up and say ‘when can you come, I’m buying you a plane ticket.’
    She can call me in the middle of the night and I would be in the car within an hour on my way to her side.
    I love her, she is my friend.
    Now I have to copy this and send it to her so she’ll know I said nice things about her.
    I wish you all a bestest friend. Keep looking for her, she may not show up until you’re 35, or 45, or 55, but she’s on the way. Smile at everyone and if you’re invited, it could be because he has been Sent and she will be there waiting for you.
    Go, you might meet somebody!

  4. Kimmy Sue Ruby Lou responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 10:25 am #

    Oh, I love this…and it reminds me how lucky I am to have a friend like that, whom I lovingly call “the slutty goddess”…we’ve been through raising kids (even sharing chicken pox to get it over with), divorces, boyfriends, chocovine…and she is always there when I need her. I think men envy the friendships that women have…there is no comparison. But I also have a special friend that I see less often…but she is always there too. We just know each other. “I take quick gulps of closeness”…I so get that. I always feel cheated when I spend time with someone and the “lack of presence” is felt…all these souls that don’t reach out and connect…it’s hard to swallow sometimes…I think that’s what you feel.

  5. Rachel responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 10:51 am #

    I totally relate – lots of friends, no best friend. I’m holding out for the Anne of Green Gables/Diana Barry Combo. No reason to lower one’s standards.

  6. Aurora responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 10:51 am #

    I’m so sad about this also. Five years of college, and I still don’t have a best friend from it. Why did everyone get too busy to have best friends?

  7. Ashling responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 11:28 am #

    This is very touching and poignant. Of late I’ve realized I’m a tad lonely. In most ways my partner is my ‘best friend’, and yet I realize how far I’ve drifted from even my once best (or even close) friends. One or two ‘breakups’ as you so perfectly call it were cataclysmic, wrought from betrayals, but most have been breakups only in the way you’d call the twig gently carried away from shore in the rippling of a woodland creek a ‘breakup’. Distance, time, the internet and smartphones (if you can touch base superficially often, it deletes the need to get together in person or even by actual voice-to-voice phone calls) have wreaked havoc on relationships. Your first step was a great one, and took courage; good for you! But as it progresses, please help bring back the so-important personal contact…

  8. melissa responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 11:51 am #

    ugh… My closest friend and I see each other maybe once or twice a year. In high school, she lived a 30 minute drive away (2 hours by bus!) but we saw each other nearly every weekend. For some reason, our parents went along with it, occasionally spurting “I wasted a quarter tank of gas on YOU???”

    But then we graduated, and the second we moved into our own (shared) apartments, we never saw each other. Boys happened. Jobs happened.

    Now, 8 years later, we’re waaayyy over it and just wish we could be best friends again, but now it’s awkward. Strangers now. She has a car, which helps, but also opposing work schedules.

    I keep wishing it was like the movies. I keep thinking “if only she lived next door we would have so much fun” but even best friends on tv don’t all live next door to each other. They make it work. Me, I don’t like mixing friends, or hanging out with them while my S.O awkwardly plays games int he corner. “Going out” isn’t particularly fun, neither is double-dating. It’s like it wasn’t meant to be.

  9. T.K. responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 12:34 pm #

    Kate,

    I usually relate so well to all of your feelings because they are also my feelings. When I started reading this one, I thought it would be the exception because I have that best friend you speak of. I have an even better best friend than any Hollywood movie can ever dream up and I am eternally grateful for that. We have a truly unique and beautiful friendship because this friendship feels like the safest place in the world. We are both very selective with what parts of ourselves we choose to expose to others. I am almost a different person, depending on who I am around. But we know all of each other and we get and accept all of each other, even the really ugly parts. Even the parts we would hate on others. At a certain point you realize that this is not a friendship that can ever end, any more than a relationship with your family could. So even if it develops problems or it stops feeling good for a while, ending is just not an option.

    Women’s magazines tend to advice women to “stop being around people that create negative energy” I read that and I feel horrified. How superficial is their understanding of friendship? Of what it mean to be human? We have been a very “negative” energy to each other a million times – depressed, pessimistic, very needy – at times nothing more but a heavy emotional burden. But the thought of cutting my “emotionally draining” friend out of life never even crossed my mind and I’m pretty sure it didn’t cross hers either. It saddens me that women’s friendships tend to be conditional- “for better or for worse” should apply as much to a close friendship as to a marriage. For inconvenient. For boring. For all the ups and downs and flows and ebs that come with intimacy.

    However, Kate, I do relate to your post because I don’t really have many other close friends. It is so hard for me… the bar is so high and I just keep getting disappointed. I too have been dumped by close friends and it was ( still is ) painful. I am very grateful to have my best friend but I understand that she cannot and should not be my only real friend. SHe has been able to find many others. I used to have many when I was younger, a tight-knit group of girlfriends but you know how these things go…. At a certain point I realized that my world views and my umm abundance of emotions are a huge obstacle in finding close friends. That I have a hard time being “me” with people cause they don’t get me and that’s a really sucky feeling. For a while I just said “fuck it” and closed myself off from friends.

    I have now become comfortable ( for the first time in my life) with having not-so-close friends. I have learned to enjoy their company and enjoy what that friendship offers, those flashes you speak of. So while you are working on developing that one close friendship, I am working on developing those friendships that seem to come so easy to you.

    I think we’re both on the right track. :)

    -T.K.

  10. deva @ deva by definition responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 12:35 pm #

    My best friend lives 30 minutes away and we don’t see each other that often, however, when one of us has a crisis, we’re right there for each other. We text a lot, facebook a lot. You’d think living so closeby we’d see each other mroe often, but it’s hard when everyone has adult lives and grown-up jobs

  11. Jenn responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 12:40 pm #

    This really spoke to me because it is exactly the way I feel. And you put it so eloquently too. I haven’t had a best friend since high school (I’m in my 30′s now). Friendships with women just seem so difficult . . . it’s like I’ve forgotten the friendship boundries, the etiquette. How do these friendships even start? Is there a friendship manual somewhere I didn’t get? They just seem so much more complicated than romantic relationships. It doesn’t seem like they should be but they are. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me but your words make me feel more normal. Thank you for that!

  12. Liz responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 1:33 pm #

    Hi Kate,
    This post really touched me because of our most recent conversation (email). I have so much I want to write at this moment, but I don’t even know where to begin, so I’ll write again when I’m able to find the words to express what I’m feeling.
    xoxo
    P.S. I’m unplugging for a bit (see most recent post), but I just want you to know that I think you are amazing! (And I think you’d be a wonderful “best friend”. :)

  13. Krystal responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 3:20 pm #

    Thanks for this post, Kate. I’m 34 and I’ve been feeling the exact same way for several years now. Then, I start to feel guilty because I am married to the man of my dreams. We have two awesome boys. I have a great sister. There should be no reason for me to want more in my life, or to feel lonely, right? My vision of a perfect best friend would be someone who would just drop by each other’s houses and we would talk, have coffee, and make soup.

    I still keep in touch with my best friend from high school, even though we are not best friends anymore. Nothing bad has happened between us, just life. After high school, we went to different colleges. She became best friends with her roommate and I got married. I recently visited her and and her family for a few days. I stayed in the guest bedroom that had one of those picture frames where you can put several photos. There were photos of her with her family and one of her with her new best friend. I couldn’t help it, but I just bawled because I felt lonelier than before my visit. I want to say that I’m not jealous. I have met and truly like her new best friend.

    I live in a smallish town and have a lot of good friends. I am very grateful for my good friends. I go to lots of Lia Sophia parties and help my friends out. I try to imagine myself being best friends with lots of my good friends that I have now. It’s just that everytime I do, I realize from Facebook or just talking more to them that they already have that close bond with someone else.

    I love what Lee said about the possibility of finding that someone at age 35, 45, or 55. I also loved what TK said about the whole “stay away from people with negative energy” thing. I can’t think of a person who I truly like and admire who hasn’t had “negative energy” at some point in their life.

    Thanks everyone for your honesty. I hope we will all find someone!

  14. aka responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 4:59 pm #

    this post makes me feel sad for you. friendships take work and will, just like any other friendship. I live countries away from my very best friend, and from a few other closest friends too. but I do have that kind of “movie” friendship with a couple of them, it does exist. one of them has been going on for ten years. i would never be able to survive without them, not even when I get married. I hope you’ll find and build a friendship that will make you take back these words about strong women friendships not existing – absolutely not true.

  15. stephanie responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 7:01 pm #

    Clearly this has touched something. I’ve been having the same thoughts but kept them to myself because I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I’m an air force brat who moved…A LOT. Thanks to facebook, I’m in contact with some of the people with whom I went to school but I’m lacking that physical “best friend”. I fantasize about having that quirky, funny supportive gal in my life. As an adult, though, it’s hard to make friends. I’m very interested in this topic…it feels as if the universe is screaming something to me. Thanks.

  16. Kate responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 10:04 pm #

    I want to respond to all of these comments, because they’re all amazing. But I’m really, really tired.

    So, let’s see… Some of you mentioned your significant others. Bear is definitely my best friend, strictly speaking. But I miss having a best friend who isn’t also my romantic partner. I need a lot of different kinds of closeness.

    I felt sort of guilty, writing this post, because I do have good friends. I love them. I don’t want to hurt their feelings and imply that they aren’t important in my life. A lot of my friendships are relatively new, since I’m relatively new to NYC. Maybe some of them will grow over the years. I really hope so! And it’s nice to hear from people in their mid thirties who have a best friend. Who can tell when you’ll get really close with someone else?

    I also agree with T.K. about negative energy. It’s more complicated than that. I’m scared of being too negative around my friends sometimes. Sometimes I do it automatically, when I’m confiding in someone, and then later I wonder if they’ve lost respect for me. Oy…

    And Kimmy Sue– you made me smile. “The slutty goddess”…

  17. Kate responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 10:15 pm #

    P.S. Just checked my email and a friend sent me this link: http://galadarling.com/article/things-i-love-thursday-good-people
    There’s another take on female friendship. Great.

    And can I just brag for a minute and say that the Rachel Rabbit White she mentions in this piece happens to be one of my new friends? OK, I bragged. Done.

  18. Kate responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 10:25 pm #

    annnnd, I’m still here. Commenting on my own blog. Because I just thought of more stuff I wanted to say, as usual.

    I agree with Ashling– there’s nothing like being together, in person, with someone.

    People have been sending me emails in response to this post, and I just got one from my dad (sorry to out you, Dad, if you’re reading this!), who mentioned how much he likes talking with me on the phone. In light of the link from the last comment, about how the closest friendships can take so many different shapes, I should add that my dad is another one of my best friends. People’s responses are making me think a lot about friendship.

    But I still stand by the close female friend thing.

    And also, Liz– thanks! And right back atcha. I’m glad that we’ve connected through blogging. Let’s keep being friends!

  19. Martha responded on 21 Oct 2011 at 11:07 pm #

    You know, I’ve always held my girlfriends in high esteem, but lately, I’ve been realizing that I couldn’t have done half of what I’ve accomplished without them. And now, the one best friend, the woman who has literally cried with me countless times, and laughed even more, the one friend that I can honestly call my best, is leaving. She is moving away, and I am devastated. Actually, mostly I’m numb, and pretending it’s not happening, because I know that loneliness that you’re describing. My poor husband (who I love, but can’t really fill that need for a close female friend, you know?) doesn’t really understand what I’m losing.

  20. San D responded on 22 Oct 2011 at 10:05 am #

    I wanted to react to your sentence of:

    “The knowing you can call someone any time. The knowing you can be totally awkward once you’ve called. The knowing they will love you anyway. They will always love you anyway. When did it get so cautious and conditional?”

    over the years some of my closest friends have gone through trying times, and in one case I was placed on someone’s s-list for a perceived slight, another because she thought I betrayed her at work, and yet another because he was going through a manic depressive state and throught it appropriate to send me vile emails. Yet whenever they needed help, I would reach out to them, and much to their surprise and relief, they would welcome my friendship. We have history, and because of my army moving background, I know that things are temporal, that slights, betrayals, real or perceived, are indeed water under the bridge. (and vile emails are easily erased LOL).

    But, again, that’s what friendship is all about.

  21. bethany actually responded on 22 Oct 2011 at 11:29 am #

    I went through a transition phase with my friendships in my early 20s, after I’d left college and was a newlywed and had moved to another state where I didn’t know anyone. I remember having the same thoughts and feelings as you. I hope it makes you feel better to know that over the years since then (I’m 36 now, have moved a half-dozen times and have two kids), I’ve made some friends who have become best friends, and my one great friend from high school is still in my life 20 years on, still one of the best people I know, still in this with me after dealing with all kinds of crap together. She is someone who I could rely on for anything, even though we live 3000 miles apart from each other right now.

    Also, some of my best friends now are people I met originally via the internet. ;-) Just sayin’!

  22. Five for Friday (on Saturday) « brave.real.world responded on 22 Oct 2011 at 10:08 pm #

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  23. Raven responded on 22 Oct 2011 at 10:38 pm #

    I just want you to know, even if you don’t have one now, those best friends do exist. I have one and I wouldn’t trade her for anything.

  24. jess responded on 23 Oct 2011 at 12:27 pm #

    I think I’m the only one left with a real best friend.

    We’re so close we’re essentially sisters. When I’m not with her, there’s an empty space next to me. I feel it. I wonder how people survive without someone who deeply knows you, who isn’t a romantic partner. We depend on each other. We have our own language.

    But, as a result, I don’t have many other friends. We do so much for each other, and our friendship is so strong, that I don’t feel comfortable calling my other flimsy friendships by the same name. If she and I are friends, then all these relationships that pale in comparison can’t be friendships too. Maybe they’re something else. We used to call each other “best arms” instead because we were appendages of each other. Maybe that’s the answer. I have many friends and one best arm.

  25. Amy responded on 23 Oct 2011 at 9:25 pm #

    So good to read something like this and learn you aren’t alone. I’m in the exact same position and it also makes me sad. Very glad for those of you who responded that you have the most wonderful female friendships but honestly that’s not helpful. Kate obviously acknowledges that these are special wonderful things to have so no need to proclaim the gifts they bring to your lives and make those of us who are already envious feel worse. Go ahead an insinuate that this negativity could be why I’m in this position but I feel confident that a best friend would love me for every last cynical drop of me.

  26. Sooz responded on 24 Oct 2011 at 8:33 am #

    Wow did this speak to me. I have never had a true best friend. I’ve had really nice friends and really cool friends but never anyone I felt I could call at 3am if I was in need. Not my parents, siblings, husband, or current friends. When I am deeply depressed or ill or having some type of emergency….I never have someone who I know will drop everything to help me out. It is very lonely and upsetting that this is so. I often think it must be me. Because I read books and watch tv and listen to other people and they all seem to have that all important someone. Not me. This post really made me feel a little bit less alone. So, thank you Kate. :)

  27. Hunter responded on 24 Oct 2011 at 10:13 am #

    @ Rachel
    Ah but in later ‘Anne’ books, even the Diana Barry/Anne Shirley ideal was brought down by the rigours of life! That is, marriage, children, and distance – even intellectual differences. Anne had several moments later in the series of mourning for her ‘lost’ friend :-)

  28. Deanna responded on 25 Oct 2011 at 2:06 am #

    I used to have a best cried but we had a major falling out. She called me all the time and would get mad at me if I were busy and couldn’t talk. She was also critical of me and j could no longer take it.

  29. Deanna responded on 25 Oct 2011 at 2:30 am #

    Oops..I got cut off. I think friends come and go. We change, we move, they change and move too so all of a sudden the friendship is strained.

    With my ex friend we had a toxic friendship. She wanted me to be the poor girl from NY who had to move all over the place and was never happy where I was. We would talk for hours on the phone…me about my living conditions and she about having never found the right guy. When I finally found a home and a place I loved, she thought I had changed too much.

    I also thought her constant calling on what were often trivial issues was becoming nerve wracking. If I was busy or could not talk…she’d get mad.

    I would love a good friend…but it’s not in the stars now.

  30. Tempest responded on 25 Oct 2011 at 12:27 pm #

    For most of my life, I had the curse of the short-lived best friend (like seriously, from the age of 3)…I would meet someone incredible, and they would move far away/to another school/area/only saw them 2 weeks in the summer kinda stuff. Then as I got older, other things complicated friendships like my (soon-to-be-ex) husband. So I never had a really good female best friend for any serious amount of time. But in the last year or so, some things have changed, and now I have some amazing female friends in my life – they live far away, but we’re constantly in touch, and we share deeply and trust each other. I don’t know it happened, but I feel so so so blessed. And I’m 33…so sometimes…it’s just a matter of time and place.

    I was en route to Seattle this past weekend to teach/perform, and there was a little girl on one of the planes who reminded me a lot of you, she was beautiful and so unique.

  31. Justine responded on 25 Oct 2011 at 1:49 pm #

    My mom has always said “if you want a friend, you have to be a friend” and it’s so true. Friendships, heck any relationship, can be a lot of work!

    A few people here mentioned lost friends, so I just wanted to emphasize the fact that it is NEVER TOO LATE! My best friend from 5th grade and I lost touch after high school, I was more devastated by the loss of that friendship than any breakup. Last year we got back in touch (thanks to my mom, my other best friend) and having her at my wedding was such an amazing gift. When you meet someone you click with (whether you’re 9 or 59), it’s not something to take for granted, its something to fight for—even when years pass and life gets busy. So don’t be scared to reach out to those lost friends, they’re probably missing you too!

  32. Adrienne responded on 25 Oct 2011 at 8:09 pm #

    I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now, and I’m feeling more and more like you might be me as a young White woman.

    Anyway…I have friend issues myself. I don’t actually have any who are close by. And there aren’t many who are far away, either. I hadn’t spoken to the woman who served as my bridesmaid for over a year when I asked her to stand up at my wedding. That was three years ago, and we’ve only chatted online once since then.

    The women I used to work with who I thought were friends promptly stopped talking to me once I left my job, with one exception.

    You can’t help but wonder if it’s you. What makes people stop emailing/calling/what-have-you even when you’re trying your best to keep in touch? I also miss the closeness. Having someone to road trip with (other than my husband), run to the mall with, gossip with…

    I can always talk to my mom and the aforementioned husband, but it’s nice to have someone else. Someone who can actually sit across a table from you, sip coffee and comfort you or be comforted by you, at a moment’s notice if needed.

    I think I’m relatively smart and funny. I like cool things and am just odd enough to be interesting. And yet…I suppose I just have to keep trying. My mom has had the same best friend for over 40 years. There is hope!

  33. DarthRachel responded on 03 Nov 2011 at 1:23 pm #

    Gosh.. this is me right now.

    I’ve got my best friends from HS that I love and cherish and will never stop calling I don’t care where they move, but we don’t live near each other anymore. A few make a sincere effort to visit me, and I them and that is nice but a few days a year with you best friends is pretty pathetic.

    So I decided I needed a best friend in the same state as me. And that’s when I realized my pool of friends was actually shrinking? That lots of people weren’t calling me anymore. Was I uncool? WTF WAS GOING ON?

    In the end I blamed the New York lifestyle in which people are easily influenced to do shit as long as it takes minimal effort and living in Brooklyn means nothing is minimal effort and therefore no one wants to hang out ever to do anything unless I kick and drag and complain and remind and just show up sometimes. Which is sorta desperate?

    So yea.. I’m with you.

  34. nicole responded on 03 Nov 2011 at 3:37 pm #

    ahhh
    Found your blog today, just read this post. Nodded a lot.
    Relieved to know I am not the only one with these particular thoughts. I keep thinking I missed the boat and everyone is matched up with their bff’s and I’m just paddling around in a circle by myself.

    My therapist (ouch, yes, therapist!) tells me that it’s natural and that as we grow and change so do our needs in other people and that’s why we find new people and the friends we have now aren’t the be all end all and maybe even the next set won’t be. But try telling that to my new acquaintance who has had the same best friends since BIRTH. As in, their mothers took lamaze together or something ridiculous (a la sisterhood of the traveling pants, but for realsies, and without magic jeans).

    Anyway, I hope you find your girlfriend soulmate. The Rachael to your Monica, the Samantha to your Carrie, the Sporty Spice to your Ginger. I’m certainly keeping a sharp eye out for mine

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