deciding to give up Minute the cat
This is the continuing saga of the cat. Remember her? The little orange and white thing that was destroying my marriage? Recap: my cousin found her. She was a stray, being beaten up by bigger, meaner cats who excluded her just because they could, and taunted her about the bump on her nose. She really does have a tiny bump, and it’s adorable. So I agreed to foster her, but I didn’t ask Bear. Because up until then, we’d just agreed about everything, like in a fairytale about a relationship.
Apparently, the cat was where the fairytale ended. Because Bear was not happy. And he was even less happy when I decided that we had to keep the cat. How could we let her go? She was tiny and orange and purred ALL the time. He was fine with letting her go. She shed all over the place, jumped up on the counter constantly, and ran around like an insane thing all night long, meowing and knocking things over.
“You aren’t being respectful of me,” he said.
Those were big, important words.
This is after the recap, by the way.
It’s been a couple months. But only about two weeks since the final straw. Minute, the cat, wanted to be in our bedroom at night. She was meowing at the door. I opened it. Bear chased her out and closed it. I opened it again. The poor kitten was afraid!
We had a fight. And this isn’t bragging, it’s confusion: it was one of the only fights we’ve ever had.
“This is not about the cat,” said Bear. “This is about you not listening to me. This is about you making big decisions without me, like you don’t care what I think.”
“I care,” I said. Minute meowed from outside.
“You’re not acting like you care. The cat is living in our home. And we can’t even keep the bedroom door shut.”
He made her sound like an extraterrestrial parasite. It’s in our home now...He even called her a parasite sometimes, for real.
“But–”
“Why can’t you at least let me have that? Just ONE THING.”
“But she’s sad.”
*meeeooowww*
“I’M sad!”
It went on like that. And at one in the morning, I got out of bed, went to my computer, and composed an email to my cousin. “This isn’t working out,” I wrote. “We need to give her up.”
I went back to bed. “Done,” I said. “She’s gone.”
“What?”
“We’re giving her up.”
“Wait– what? Why?”
And I explained that I wasn’t going to fight about a cat. I wasn’t going to be made to feel guilty when she jumped onto his desk and he gave me that look like, “Your cat is jumping on my desk again. What are you going to do about it?” I wasn’t going to be the only one constantly cleaning the bathroom floor, where litter and bits of poop had been enthusiastically scattered from her ineffective litter box. I wasn’t going to have to have fights that were really about something else– something much worse. Something terrible about our relationship, lurking under the surface. I was done. And I really was done. It wasn’t a ploy. I had made the decision.
I was a little stunned. I was giving Minute up, just like that. And she always purred! But I hardened my heart. Bear trumps cat.
Bear was silent. “Are you sure?” he said, not using the fighting voice anymore.
“Yes. Positive.”
“But you like her.”
“I like you more.”
“But you–”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I didn’t. I felt a little like a martyr, and I figured if he kept talking, I’d start composing a ballad about my own great capacity for sacrifice, with a verse about my legendary beauty and valor.
A funny thing happened.
The next day, Bear liked Minute a lot more. He wanted to go get a squirt bottle, to train her to stay off the counter. I wrote to some friends, asking if they knew anyone who wanted an adorable, incredibly sweet little orange cat. My cousin was sad. She asked me if I could just take Minute to the vet first, to have her spayed. That had been part of the foster agreement. I said yes. I made an appointment that day.
Bear wanted to play with Minute. He teased her about her fur looking dirty. She was OK with it. She butted her head against his hand.
The next night, Bear was fine with Minute coming into the bedroom. And then he was fine with her jumping into bed with us, where she slept, curled against my knees. Soon, Minute was sleeping on the floor next to my side of the bed every night. Or with me.
“We’re still giving her up, right?” Bear asked me.
“Yes,” I said. We were.
Bear and I went to the pet store and picked out some dry food (she doesn’t like wet, which Bear thinks is a positive character trait since real men only feed their pets dry food, apparently), and a toy, and then he wanted to look at collars.
I took her to the vet. She cried a lot on the way over, but once there, she lay in her carrier as big dogs put their faces against it. When the vet examined her, she was polite. She purred the slightest bit.
It turned out she’d already been spayed. And that she might be two or three years old.
“What has your life been like, little cat?” I asked her, alone in the examining room with her. She just looked at me.
I took her back, and she was so happy to see the apartment. She was home!
Bear gchatted me. “We’re keeping her, aren’t we?”
“Yes,” I wrote back.
We’re both happy about it.
Although when I play with Minute a lot at night, sometimes Bear says, “I’ll pet her, you pay attention to me.”
* * *
Unroast: Today I like my lower legs. I always want them to my longer, for my calves to be thinner, but they are actually cute and quite effective.
P.S. The cat caught a cockroach last night. The first one we’ve had. I think that’s a pretty good reason to keep her around, right there.
Kate on November 15th 2011 in life, marriage, relationships
grace responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 1:15 pm #
“…I’d start composing a ballad about my own great capacity for sacrifice, with a verse about my legendary beauty and valor.” – I though I was the only one who did things like that. Martyrdom feels good when you don’t have to actually die.
Kimmy Sue Ruby Lou responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 1:17 pm #
funny how things work out when you make the right choice with a spouse…he needed to feel like part of the decision, so congrats on a successful conclusion…i’m not a big fan of cats, prefer dogs because they CAN’T climb on counters and refrigerators…but i have one anyway, she’s a total bitch, loves to use my indoor trees as a litter box (which annoys the crap out of me!)…but my youngest daughter loves her, she makes her happy…the things we do for love!
Kate responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 1:24 pm #
@Grace
Good point. The not dying is an important part for me.
Kate responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 1:25 pm #
@Kimmy Sue
LOL!! Sorry about your cat situation. But I’m happy for your daughter.
Becca responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 1:34 pm #
So wise. But I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to finally decide to give up one thing you loved for someone you loved more. Which is maybe why choosing respect, and saying No can actually allow more love to enter your relationship. And as a cat owner myself, I’m rather happy that you both managed to fall in love with the cat.
San D responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 1:48 pm #
Life is about compromises, rethinking your impulses, and surprises. In order to have more control over some of those things I have sometimes had to resort to subterfuge. My husband also likes to be consulted about things but in reality he frequently doesn’t care one way or the other about the choice. I think he just doesn’t like change. So for example when picking out wallpaper, I am always the person who goes to get the “books” and flips through them to find ones I know would work for the room we might be doing. So what I do is pick 3 I absolutely love, and 3 that are so butt ugly that no one in their right mind would pick them. Then I show him all 6 choices with my best Sarah Bernhardt face. He always picks one that I can live with. He feels empowered, I feel fine. Over the years as our minds and tastes have melded we no longer have to play the “run it by me” game. We instinctively now know what is important to each of us.
rebecca responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 1:52 pm #
i made the right decision about the only cat i ever asked to live with me… and my spouse who is EXTREMELY allergic to cats. it got to the point where there were nose bleeds every day due to the allergies but i was never asked to give up my cat. he was, after all, twelve years old and been with me all his life. he lived four more years, died when he was sixteen and we now have three pommies.
yes, i made the totally right decision… especially about my fabulous spouse!!!! so glad you did, too!!!
Sara responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 2:00 pm #
cuteness overload
bethany actually responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 2:00 pm #
Bear trumps cat. Perfect. Brava to you for making the right decision, and for Bear to being able to reconsider when he saw that you WERE willing to listen to him and respect his wishes. What could have become a huge sore spot turned into a place where you realized you really do respect one another and are willing to change for each other. That’s an incredibly valuable thing to know!
Kate responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 2:04 pm #
@bethany actually
Thank you! You just summed everything up into a perfect little package. And made me feel like maybe we really did learn something
Joy responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 2:26 pm #
Glad it all worked out! I hope you are as successful in resolving all future disputes. DH and I have yet to master this after 7 years together, including 4 years of marriage. I suspect we are just both too selfish to be good at marriage. I am impressed that you managed to resolve yourself to giving Minute up, but I am glad you didn’t have to!
Marti responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 2:32 pm #
Clever girl. Most fights are about something other than the topic of the fight. They are always…. always ….. about ego and Do You Love Me. Always.
When we can demonstrate to our spouse/significant other that we care about them over all else, then that gives them room to feel generous about other things in our lives.
What a beautiful relationship you have.
Dorothy responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 2:34 pm #
This is the sweetest and funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Thanks!
Kate responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 2:35 pm #
@Dorothy
I’m glad you liked it!!
Sarah responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 2:52 pm #
Can I just say that I love your Torah reference? I wanna start telling people to harden their hearts. Or I guess maybe NOT to harden their hearts. Either way.
<3
jensketch responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 2:53 pm #
Firstly let me say that kudos on finding a man like Bear, who acted like a grown up and talked about his feelings right away… he did – he said exactly what he’s supposed to say. ” “This is about you not listening to me. This is about you making big decisions without me, like you don’t care what I think.””
Honestly at that point I felt you were being a bit childish and immature with wanting to open the door, still, and saying “she” was sad. But mostly I was just irritable because I know you two are a good couple, but new at this whole marriage thing so I felt… impatience? lol
You did the right thing – what you did — emailing your cousin and choosing Bear…. not making a huge deal over a cat. Because it /was not/ about the cat.
I think Bear changed his feelings because you listened. You heard his pleas and you said she was gone. He technically “won” and perhaps he’s never ‘won’ before in a relationship with someone he truly loves and respects. He took a step back – he saw how much you loved her and with your choice of him, he realized he could himself change and see the cat in a different light… because it was just about the cat now, and you two had sorted yourself out.
Makes sense?
So many things in marriage are just about this. This push and pull and compromise. So many people don’t make it because they don’t want to compromise. They are selfish and self-centered. They think what they *want* is the most important thing regardless of anyone else’s feelings. I’ve seen it time and time again.
I really just wanted to come in here and say that for a tussle of power in a marriage, you handled it well. That was bigger than you might think and you two are off to a great start. There will be more of that to come — but I assure you, once you get it all worked out (and sometimes it takes years) the comfort and security is perfection.
Mandy responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 4:21 pm #
What Jensketch said.
Kate responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 4:24 pm #
@jensketch
Yeah, I probably was being childish. I couldn’t decide how childish I thought I was being, but I was pretty sure there was some.
Lisa responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 5:24 pm #
I’m so happy that you get to keep Minute the cat! After welcoming a cat into your home and giving it care, attention and love I completely understand how hard it is to give an animal up. Cheers!
Janice Hiple responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 5:30 pm #
Kate, get a covered litter box, so less litter gets kicked on the floor. To discourage her from jumping onto places where you don’t want her to be, you can use the air spray thing for cleaning computers and electronics (don’t spray in her face) or put some pennies in a can or hard plastic container and shake it near her when she is on the thing you do not want her to be on. My cats KNOW they are not allowed on any kitchen counters or eating tables (end tables and bathroom counters are ok) because they have been trained. In just a day or two, you will only need to pick up the air spray can or the penny can and she will jump right off.
Kate responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 5:35 pm #
@Janice
Yes– I really need to get the covered litter box. You’re totally right.
I’ve never seen the air spray thing you’re describing. Right now we’re just using a little spray bottle with some water. She’s already getting the message.
Jo responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 5:46 pm #
I love this. Love. Because sometimes people don’t necessarily need the whole thing they think they need (me included) as much as they need you to be on their side. Even when you think you are.
Janine responded on 15 Nov 2011 at 8:48 pm #
Hi there! I’ve been reading your blog and love your wit. Just wanted to share some cat ideas-after years of doing dog rescue, I found a 12-day-old kitten, then adopted a friend for her, then took in a stray. One year and three cats later, I’ve learned:
SOME cats do not like tinfoil, so if you lay it on your counters, they will not jump up (and then there is Darcy, who says, “Thanks for the cool toy!”)
A covered litter box, with clumping litter, will really cut down on the litter getting tracked around
A little cat nip in the evening helps tire them out so they sleep at night =)
Cats-and the right man-bring tremendous happiness. I hope you enjoy both!
Kerry responded on 16 Nov 2011 at 9:34 am #
Oh, I love everything about this.
Especially that last picture. I couldn’t find Minute in it at first, and so I thought it was a really strange picture to put in this post, jus your husband looking at the wall. But then I saw her. And it was cute.
Jennifer responded on 16 Nov 2011 at 2:49 pm #
Just FYI, RE: Bear’s ‘real men feed their pets dry food’ comment – although some dry food is important for their teeth, wet food is generally better (and fairly necessary) for their livers and kidneys. I know she’s resisting eating it, but if you can try to work some into her diet, it’ll be healthier for her (cats compensate by drinking more water, but it’s still better for them to get it through food). Also, if possible, try to feed her some raw meat as well as ‘cat food’.
Adrienne responded on 16 Nov 2011 at 3:23 pm #
Wow, all that drama just meant Bear needed to be listened to.
I’m glad you get to keep Minute! And, that Bear has come around. Prepare for her to knock lots of things off shelves, and get her something to scratch so she (hopefully) leaves the furniture alone!
elleth responded on 16 Nov 2011 at 5:43 pm #
Further to Jennifer’s comment, it really is better for Minute if you can get wet food into her. Dry can be the cause of many a problem (including diabetes, dental problems) down the road. It’s basically cereal, and often too much filler and sugar and not enough meat-based protein. I don’t know what your nearby pet food stores are like but if you can get your hands on Orijen, Go, Now, Blue, California Natural, Innova, Felidae, Evo, those are all better-quality foods. Though, if Bear wants to feed the cat the “manliest” option
, that would be a raw food diet – you’d just need to find a good local source.
Can I recommend a couple of excellent cat reference books for you to have on hand? ‘The Cat Bible’ by Tracie Hotchner, and ‘Your Cat’ by Elizabeth Hodgkins D.V.M. There are others on my bookshelf, but I swear by these two as good starters.
As someone who volunteers with a cat rescue, it’s good to see another wee cat in a loving home, so kudos to both of you for helping her.
Marie Coons responded on 22 Nov 2011 at 10:46 am #
Your story made me shed a tear. I’m happy you and bear worked it out. I’m happy little minute has become a part of your family and that you both appreciate her and more importantly appreciate each other even more now!
Katja responded on 25 Nov 2011 at 7:39 am #
@Marie: Me too and I’m sitting in a café so very bad time to shed a tear
Kate I had a cat too and a man who didn’t love it. But I already had the cat for nine years (living with my mom) when I met him. Then the cat (he was a boy too) had to move in with me too because my mom was giving up her appartment. The cat caused some very bad fights in our very young relationship. There was this one time when the cat jumped into bed at night, right onto his face and… (it’s about to get very bad!) the cat had just been to the toilet and hadn’t cleaned up properly (yes sometimes that happens). Imagine the rest! (him swearing a lot, getting up and leaving to sleep in his own bed).
End of story: When I spent a semester in France and he, me and the cat had moved into our own appartment together, him and the cat were forced to live together without me. And I think for a former cat-hater my guy really grew fond of this pet. Exactly one year ago the cat died at the age of 14. He found him and told me the news. And we both cried very much (I’ve only seen him cry once this other time, at our wedding this summer).
I’m really happy for you two/three! Sometimes it just takes a little while
Eat the Damn Cake » what should I talk about? responded on 01 Feb 2012 at 12:56 pm #
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