my heaviest weight is back

I don’t own a scale. I do own a bright turquoise bath mat that I refuse to put in the bathroom because it’s too pretty.  I recently ordered it from Crate and Barrel with a gift card someone got us a year ago. Getting married is good for Crate and Barrel gift cards. I am bad at remembering where I put them.

My parents own a scale, and, with its dark powers of seduction, it drew me to it and suggested in a sly, beguiling whisper that I should put my feet on its smooth surface. So I did. And then I came back the next day, for more. And again, the day after that. And over the course of that time, which happened to be the long weekend of Thanksgiving, I watched the numbers gently rise.

I pretended that I didn’t remember my heaviest weight. I don’t want to be the kind of person who thinks about this kind of thing. I want to have records in my head of important stuff. The periodic table, maybe. A detailed map of lower Manhattan. All of the best words of the English language and a bunch of useful phrases in Spanish. Instead, it seems like the stuff that got priority is a catalogue of American dog breeds (memorized when I was ten), a little over half the state capitals, a litany of Most Embarrassing Moments, including the time I said “‘wroten’ instead of ‘written’” into a microphone in front of a hundred people, and blatantly unhelpful information about my body, like my heaviest weight.

“Heaviest weight!” bellowed an evilly gleeful voice in my head, the moment I stepped onto the scale on the third day. “HEAVIEST! BAM. You’re at it again. How’s it feel, being the HEAVIEST? Whatcha think about that?”

“Hmm,” I said aloud, tilting my head thoughtfully. “That number looks familiar…Where have I seen it before? It can’t be my heaviest weight, can it? I can barely even remember…” I stepped daintily off the scale. “Nope. It’s completely slipped my mind!”

LIAR.

YEAH, YOU.

(source)

Ok, me. I lied. To myself. And not very convincingly. I vividly remember the day I discovered my heaviest weight. It’s a gross story about being a bad person who thinks petty, stupid things and this is how it goes: I was at my friend’s house. She was beautiful. We had this unspoken agreement. She was beautiful, I was skinny. The skinniness felt important, because when you are skinny, people often get it mixed up with beauty, and they compliment you a lot on it. So I got all these compliments for being skinny and she got all these compliments for being gorgeous and then one day I stopped getting so many compliments but for a while I didn’t notice and then we both decided it would be fun to weigh ourselves.  Which was probably unrelated, but maybe it was fate. We did. And suddenly I was heavier than her. My first thought was, “Now she has everything.”

Yeah. As though it was some sort of ancient cosmic battle. Like, although we were such good friends, our appearances had been secretly at war for years. Her appearance had plundered my appearance’s land and taken all its gold and sheep, and now my appearance had nothing, while hers was going to rule the kingdom.

My next thought was, “What do I do?” Like I had to either correct the cosmic imbalance or be doomed to a meaningless life of not being complimented for anything (and having no sheep).

I think I was twenty at the time. Old enough to know better.

(That was a joke. That’s definitely not old enough to know better. I’m not totally convinced I know better now. But I’m keeping an open mind. I’m working with the evidence and we’ll see what we get.)

When I admitted to myself the other day, in my parents’ bathroom, that it was all true– I remembered everything about my heaviest weight even though I still can’t always find my way around the Lower East Side or name enough elements to sound smart–I had to also admit that my inclination was to vow immediately that after this weekend, I would barely eat.


(source)

This is bald, naked honesty right now. I think I’m not supposed to ever acknowledge how many times I decide to not eat anymore. How many times I promise myself that after today, I will live on carrot sticks and lettuce and carbonated water. It happens a lot. Like…let’s see…basically every time I wear something sleeveless or watch myself in a mirror while jogging or see a photo of myself or eat more cookies than I thought I would when I started eating them or eat because I’m bored or eat until I’m so full it hurts or have to dress up or meet a young mom who just had a baby but who is obviously in better shape than me. And some other times, too.

I have never once followed through. Not even for a whole day.

But that is where my mind goes.

And honesty is important here, I think.

Standing in my parents’ bathroom two days after Thanksgiving, I made a quick promise to myself that I would only eat carrot sticks and watery gruel for the next several years, until things were under control, and then I went downstairs and ate a cider donut and asked the kitchen at large, “Has anyone seen the rest of the stuffing?”

Which is why this is probably a story about how I finally exceeded my previous heaviest weight and crossed over into new, exciting territory. I probably have a new number now. But I don’t know, because I don’t have a scale, and I’m home again. And what I don’t know can’t become a stupid memory about something that doesn’t actually matter that I use to torment myself in a pointless way.

Now please excuse me while I go stand on my soft new turquoise bath mat. So fluffy! So turquoise! And such a better place to put my feet.

(they call it teal. that’s wrong. source)

*  *  *

Any heaviest weight stories? Does everyone have that number in their head? Has anyone forgotten it?

Unroast: Today I love the way I look with a touch of gold eyeshadow.

 

71 Comments »

Kate on November 28th 2011 in beauty, body, food

71 Responses to “my heaviest weight is back”

  1. Jennifer responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    You write this so well. Yes, I remember my heaviest weight, and I have been creeping up perilously close to it, so I’ve downloaded an app, logged back into Fit Day, printed out meal plans…and ate stuffing (with gravy!) for breakfast this morning. So – off to a roaring start, huzzah! My thing is, I always eat the damn cake. I was that skinny girl, too, and so lucky! I could eat anything and not show it! Now at forty, I am starting to accept my body so much more, and there is so much more of it to accept.

    But.

    I still wish I could follow through on the same won’t-eat-anything-but-carrots-for-a-month promise I make every. single. time.

  2. Kate responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 12:54 pm #

    @Jennifer
    I like the way you put that— you accept your body so much more and there is so much more to accept.

    The way I (try to) see it is that even if I followed through, I’d start eating cake again right after that. Because I love it. And then I’d just go back to the weight my body goes to when I eat the things I love.

    So instead, I think if I want to work on something, I should exercise. Because at least that’s not obviously about weight, and it’s actually healthy.

    Annnd….that still hasn’t really happened.

  3. Katharine Lilley responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 1:17 pm #

    Someone who had recovered from an eating disorder once said that each person just needs to be content with the weight they tend to be naturally. My mom is constantly trying to lose 5 pounds. 5 pounds won’t make any difference, and she is just fine the way she is but it is an ongoing battle for her. Why? I am about 10 pounds heavier than I was before I had kids and more like 20 pounds heavier than I was when I was a teen and super unhealthily obsessed about my weight. I am still within any given standard of “normal”. I mean I am a healthy weight for my height. The hard thing is breaking the habit of beating yourself up over it. I am not there all the time but I have definatly progressed to a MUCH healthier self image since my teenage years. I really think not having t.v. at our house for the last 6 years has helped a ton- I am not very often exposed to what women “should” look like. I see myself as I am, cellulite, wrinkles, dry skin, pimples and all. But when I look around at my friends and family I see their flaws too, and it is comforting that I am not the only one who doesn’t look like a victoria secret model. In fact I don’t know anyone who looks like that! I’ve also been married for 5 1/2 years and feeling relativly secure in that helps me not compare myself to others as much. I tell my husband I am giving him more cushion for the pushin’.
    I know I can’t diet, I tried it once since I’ve had kids and it sucked so bad, it is not worth the 15 pounds. Also, the definition of beauty is so fickle. Look at all the old nudes in paintings, plump and beautiful. Look at Marilyn Monroe. She would be called fat today. Thats why I try to tune it out entirely.

  4. Jess responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 1:18 pm #

    I remember my heaviest weight. It didn’t feel good in clothes, it didn’t feel great out of them. I remember feeling doughy and thinking it was unappealing to me. Soft is a lovely thing to be, but doughy was taking it too far.

    More importantly, I remember my LOWEST weight as an adult. I grew up skinny, filled out to more or less average-but-slender (with kind of a big butt, but thats just how wide my hips are at all the weights), so you’d think losing 12 pounds from my average weight would be fine, even if its isnt desirable. Nope– I lost it from not moving or eating during a weeklong hospitalization following a car accident. (I’m perfectly fine and whole now, fear not, internet!) At least half was muscle. I could see my ribs and collarbone under my sallow skin. It was fall when it happened, and I spend that winter shivering for lack of my own mass. It felt unsafe; I felt vulnerable.

    Basically, it taught me to appreciate the weight you have on you for what it does. A friend of mine who successfully dieted down 40 lb has even commented she needs a heavier coat now! I’ve put most of it back on in the past year but haven’t gotten all the muscle tone back yet, which is most heat/energy/safety generating, and the hardest to do. I anticipate a more comfortable and much warmer winter. :)

  5. LIT responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    Recently bought a scale- weighed myself everyday over the holidays… watched the numbers rise everyday. substantially. poo.

    Luckily- I’ve never tried to tell myself I’ll stick to carrots- way too much of a realist! I’ll always eat the damn cake, but I may start avoiding the scale, again!

    I definitely know my highest number.

  6. kate-in-cleveland responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 1:25 pm #

    I really really love your blog – I read it daily, and each time, I’m inspired to get back into writing, which I haven’t quite done yet because I’m lazy but I jot down ideas all the time! :-) the idea part is half the battle.

    I had to buy life insurance recently, and I got weighed, and it was BAD. Like really bad. Like I was late to work afterward because I had to go hide in my bathroom in my house and cry a lot and then redo my makeup and put on a cute dress because I thought I would feel more cute, and nope, I felt like a giant blog person stuffed into a dress like a sausage casing.

    I’m short (5’3 and a half, thank you, life insurance nurse lady) and round, and I’m always going to be. And every day, at least once, I think about how when I briefly lived in England, I was so broke. So broke and so poor, and I would constantly be worried about having enough money to eat which is how one gets one’s body to be able to walk around England. But – and here is the terrible part – I was so thin when I came home. Thin for me. Thin enough that my mother’s first question was whether or not I was ill.

    So every day, I almost wish that instead of having enough money to feed myself and pay all of my bills and be able to give money away to some great places, I wish I was destitute again, because I was skinny and cute and my pants fell off me because I literally could not afford to buy another pair of pants.

    This is a TERRIBLE way to think! So I’ll work on not thinking that way with you. thank you!

  7. kate-in-cleveland responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 1:26 pm #

    sheesh, I meant blob-person, not blog. Typos!

  8. caty responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 1:36 pm #

    Last time I reached my “heaviest weight”, it sent me back into eating-disorder land, where I remained until I started having heart arrhythmia as a result of not eating enough. It’s not a good place to be — much worse than “heaviest weight”. I’m trying to remember that, and to stay away from scales.

  9. caitlin responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 1:47 pm #

    the EXACT same thing happened to me at my parents house this weekend. i don’t own a scale for this very reason, but theirs lured me in over thanksgiving. and i was my heaviest weight. the last time i weighed as much as i do now was during my depressing freshman year of college when i was in a long distance relationship and spent most of my time eating and crying. no excuse for it now.

  10. Jennifer Jo responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 1:49 pm #

    Try having a baby. BAM, just like that I weigh more than my husband. FOUR TIMES OVER.

    But babies aside, yes. I know exactly what you’re talking about. I even wrote about it (a little) (http://bit.ly/u2vrfp). Hardly anyone responded. Perhaps it’s taboo to talk about weight concerns?

    I don’t own a scale either. It’s one of the smartest moves I’ve made.

  11. Tara responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 1:52 pm #

    Scales are dumb. I haven’t weighed myself since I was 18, at the tale end of borderline anorexia. 12 years later, I still tell doctors that I’d “rather not” step on the scale in their offices. Sometimes I get lectures from the (usually overweight) nurses, sometimes not. I’m now a comfortable 5’9″ size 8/10, I run marathons, and I eat dessert. If I’m ever pregnant, they’re gonna have to force me on the damn thing, and I’ll be standing there backward.

    Throw away the scale, people. (Hooray to Kate for not owning one). Pay attention to how your clothes fit. That’s it.

  12. Caitlin responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 2:01 pm #

    It’s not a “heaviest weight” story so much as a “less muscle, more fat” story. After college, I exercised pretty much excessively, restricted my eating (which happened during college too, but not quite as much), and kept myself stick-skinny. Since leaving my old job, moving in w/ my husband, and starting graduate school, I just haven’t had the time or motivation to be as regimented as I was. Plus, well… it was more than a little unhealthy. Your carrot sticks + water idea? Yeah – it works, unfortunately. So I haven’t been spending 1-2 hours at the gym every day. I’ve been eating more cheese, more meat, more cookies. And you know what? I’ve had to go up a pant size. Things don’t fit quite the same. My abs aren’t pancake-flat. And even though I weigh the exact same as I did before, I have daily conniptions about my inner thighs. And then I have to force myself to move on, eat a cookie, go for a run, and snuggle with my husband. Balance, rather than watching a scale. It’s an ongoing process, one that I have to win anew every day.

  13. Diana responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 2:03 pm #

    It was in college. My First Heaviest Weight. It was the freshman 20 plus 5 more lbs for good measure. Like you, I had always been skinny. But unbridled passion for dorm food and late-night pizza did me in.

    I didn’t step on a scale for 10 years, and then baby #1 introduced me to my Second Heaviest Weight.

    Baby #2 was super competitive and outdid baby #1 by 20 lbs and ushered in my Third Heaviest Weight.

    And now, 10 years later, I’m slowly watching the numbers drop. Will I ever see my college weight again? One wonders. But I’ve learned to love my body no matter the shape, size or weight.

    It’s really the journey to health that is supposed to matter the most to me . . . one less cookie, one less forkful of turkey, one less piece of pie, but its so much more.

    My auntie told me to love my body just the way it is right now, today, because someday, I will be 70 like her and I’ll look back and say, “Why didn’t I love and celebrate my body at 30? At 50?” So I do, every step of the way, even if I do hate the numbers registering on the scale that tell me I’m losing, gaining, holding or gambling with my health. Sigh.

  14. Kate responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 2:04 pm #

    @Caitlin
    I hope you keep winning, every day!
    Snugging and cheese and cookies are better than abs. Really, they are. Even when I don’t believe it for a moment. Even when I don’t believe it for more than a moment. It’s still true.

  15. Lynn responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 2:29 pm #

    I weighed myself over Thanksgiving Weekend too….BAD IDEA…..I remember my heaviest weight very well, I hit it in January of 2008. That year I joined Weight Watchers and over the next year or so I dropped 25lbs….I’ve never gotten all the way back up to my heaviest weight, but I’ve gotten close to it, and that is a terrible terrible terrible feeling. And I always make the same promise to myself that all of you do, that, starting tomorrow I’ll do better, I will barely eat and exercise every day, and I never follow through with it…I always have the best of intentions, but they never last very long (a few weeks, a few months, etc). I have such a love/hate relationship with my scale…when it tells me I lost some weight, I’m absolutely elated, but when I gain it makes me furious with myself, impotent fury that literally makes me want to cry…I don’t weigh myself every day, only occasionally, maybe it would be better if I just gave the scale away…..I’m sorry that the rest of you are going through this too, but it makes me feel less alone, and that’s very comforting :)

  16. Deanna responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 2:30 pm #

    I have mixed views on having a scale. I think we know our bodies well enough to know when we are not happy with our weight. You know when your pants are too tight or you feel bloated.

    I very rarely weighed myself. I had an eating disorder in high school and figured that me and scales were not a good match. I had always been around a certain weight and pretty much always wore the same size. When we moved to the LA area I went onto a scale at a gym. I was a good 10 lbs heavier than I thought! I told my hubby and he said he had noticed I was putting on weight. Panic! Like you Kate, I had always prided myself on being thin..it was my talent, my beauty, my ‘shtick’ .

    I did lose the weight but I did it mostly be cutting back. As it turned out, I had some health concerns since I had always eaten whatever I wanted most of my life and it caused some internal problems. I still eat mostly anything, but in much smaller quantities. Sugar is really bad for me but I still have some dark chocolate from time to time and I sometimes have cookies.

  17. Kate responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 2:32 pm #

    @Deanna
    This reminds me that last night I had a dream in which Bear said, “You’ve gained a lot of weight.”
    Wow. That just came back to me in a flash of badness.

  18. Kate responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 2:35 pm #

    @Diana
    LOL! I love how you described your second baby.
    And your aunt sounds like she knows what’s what. I like her message. I want to remind myself of it a lot.

  19. Kate responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 2:41 pm #

    @kate-in-cleveland
    Write!! Write something really short. A little essay about something in your life right now. Write something about body image and send it to me (kate@eatthedamncake.com) and maybe we can turn it into a guest post.

    Also, your story reminds me of when I tried on wedding gowns the first time. I had to lock myself in the bathroom for hours and cry.

    And hooray for being able to pay your bills and buy food, too! Even if it sometimes feels bad because we’ve been taught over and over again to have really weird priorities.

  20. Ceci responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 2:44 pm #

    I think that part of my least favorite part of being a woman (or at least, an in-recovery former anorectic) is that I don’t even need to step on a scale to start the flood of chain reaction thoughts. I can catch a sly half-glimpse of myself in a distorted car window, all sneaky-like, and immediately my mind starts sending red alerts: “DEFINITELY looking bigger–>Oh, God, I even FEEL bigger, yup, am definitely exerting more gravitational pull–>need to start running every day–>carrots and watery gruel for the rest of my life…” I have to remind myself that losing weight always means so many terrible things–hair loss, heart arrythmia, swollen ankles, fuzzy brain–and then I actually have to remind myself that I care more about my health than about my weight.

    Why? Why does my brain need a few seconds before I can remember how old I am at the airport, “I’m…22. No, wait, 23. Yes, 23″ and yet a half-second of feeling fat can trigger an entire lightning-fast logical process? How much combined brainular power could we summon up if we just stopped caring?

    Brilliant, as always, Kate.

  21. Ashley responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 2:56 pm #

    I think I am at my heaviest weight right now, which still includes being underweight, but only by a few pounds maybe. This is only because I have been admittedly eating a lot of fast food, and it’s taking a toll on my energy. It’s only when I overeat for months at a time that my weight tips over 90. My weight isn’t a concern though. I love my body and my energy and overall health is my main concern. The way I eat isn’t always perfect though. It’s hard to eat healthily when you live with college age people who mainly eat junk all day and I’m going out to eat at their favorite fast food places and such. You start to adapt to the style of how other live, and eating habits are the same.

  22. ong responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 2:59 pm #

    My heaviest weight was 70 pounds heavier than I am today. I don’t know what I’ll do if I ever get anywhere close to it again.
    When I was at my heaviest, I used to think, if only I could lost 30 pounds, I’d feel good. I lost that, and then I thought, if i could lose another 20, I’d really feel great. I lost that, and then I thought, if I could lose just 20 more, I’ll never worry about losing weight again. So now I’ve lost 70 pounds and I’ve maintained my weight for 2 years. Sadly, I’m still not satisfied. I still want to lose another 15–if I can just lose it, I’m sure I’ll be at the perfect weight, and I’ll never think about weight loss again.
    It never stops!

  23. Jo responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    I’ve exceeded (by a few pounds) my heaviest weight, as of this week. Yay for not owning a scale and for parents who do. :)

    I knew that I was there, actually, just from how my body feels and looks and fits things. I accept that it’s there, because I have made it that way. With grad school and internship and work and everything, I mistreat it like crazy. So I’m looking forward to break and the walks that I’m going to take. I’m taking those walks to get in touch with nature and the cycle of the seasons, not to get in shape, but in shape will be a good bonus.

    Ah, heaviest weight.

  24. Rachel responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 3:08 pm #

    This was a really well-timed piece for me. I resisted the urge to weigh myself over Thanksgiving, but I went shopping with my mother and she asked if I’m trying to lose weight. . .effectively sending a years worth of self-acceptance practice flying out the window. Then someone tagged a photo of me on Facebook where I look horrifically huge (to my eyes) and a meltdown has ensued, complete with promises to eat nothing but woodchips and carrot juice forever.

    I’m not finding myself able to get out of it at the moment, either. I’m supposed to go on 3 internet-dates in the next few weeks and I want to cancel them all because I feel so hideous. But it is always good to be reminded that basically every woman in the world feels this way about themselves.

  25. Kate responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 3:11 pm #

    @Rachel
    Definitely go on the dates. I’ve found that dates usually help me realize that I’m not as ugly as I had just, moments before, been thinking I must be.

  26. Courtney responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 3:14 pm #

    I definitely know my heaviest weight, which, true to cliche, I hit my freshman year of college. I eventually lost it all but over the last few years have been inching back towards it. I don’t own a scale, but my last doctor’s visit a few weeks ago confirmed my suspicions–I’m within a few pounds of my heaviest weight. (And thanks to the holiday weekend, am probably back at it again.) Mostly I try not to think about it. It’s natural that my metabolism will slow down as I get older, and I’m still what many people would consider thin. Still, when I put a belt on over my dress this morning and saw the way my belly bulged beneath it…well, let’s just say I was “mildly” horrified. (And was quick to take off the belt and throw on a buttoned up cardigan over the dress instead.)

  27. Cassie responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 3:15 pm #

    I vividly remember my heaviest weight – which in comparison to other people I know, turned out to not actually be that heavy. But it was devastating for me. I studied abroad for 1 semester and came home 20 pounds heavier. I blame France and Italy – but I loved every minute of it.
    Now I’m pregnant for the first time. With twins. And the doctor told me I’ll need to gain 35-40 pounds by the end of my pregnancy to be healthy and for the babies to be healthy. It sounds like such a scary, daunting amount. But at least this time the weight gain will be for a wonderful reason! (Even though it still stresses me out. A lot. And I have a weird obsession with it.)

  28. Kate responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 3:19 pm #

    @Cassie
    Wow. Twins. That’s amazing! And I know nothing about pregnancy and hadn’t even thought that a doctor would instruct someone to gain a certain amount of weight for their baby’s (babies’) health. I kinda love it.

    I had lunch once with a pregnant woman who was dieting, and it made me sad.

  29. Abigail responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 3:21 pm #

    My heaviest weight was my sophomore year of college. That was the year the scale and I became sworn enemies. I felt horrible and would only wear baggy clothes. I also would stand in front of my full length bedroom mirror for long periods of time pulling at my “fat”.

    January of my junior year I was really fed up with the mirror, the number on the scale, and my fixation on food {and their calories}. I decided to drink less alcohol, go to group fitness classes 4 days a week {and never never feel guilty about not exercising outside of those regimented times}, became a vegetarian {and decided all other food was fair game}.

    About 2 months after I started this lifestyle change I gave up on the scale and magazines. About 6 months later a cloud lifted and sunshine was finally present in my life again. About 9 months later I gave away my full length mirror.

    Four years later the full length mirror has finally been invited back into my life. So far we’re getting along great. The scale and I remain estranged indefinitely. There is no room for it, my yoga mat and running shoes have taken up the space it use to occupy.

    How do know if i’m healthy if I don’t have a scale? As others said above, I go by the way clothing fits. That’s it. End of Story.

    Kate – thanks for writing this post!

  30. Sarah responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 3:33 pm #

    Ah Kate, thank you for this post. I started seeing a nutritionist two years ago, this time, during my junior year of college. At that time, I weighed 20 pounds less than I do right now.

    It isn’t at all true that I am over this shit, or that I don’t like it when I see the scale creeping down, or that my first inclination when I feel upset about anything at all is to hate myself, but at least I don’t begin each and every single day with a moment of judgment on the scale. Pathetically, it is because I can’t bear to look at it, but what matters is that I can walk away.

  31. Kate responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 3:36 pm #

    @Sarah
    Good for you!!! Walking away counts. A lot.

  32. Also Kate responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 4:30 pm #

    And see, the number doesn’t mean as much as we think it means. When I was at my heaviest weight, I was playing Division I college rugby, working out at least 2 hours a day, lifting weights, sprinting, and generally eating like a horse (because I was ALWAYS hungry, oh my god). And according to BMI, I was solidly “overweight” for a woman my age and height.

    There was a slippery period when I stopped playing where I probably lost muscle and gained fat, but it’s evened out and I’m about 20 pounds lighter now, and definitely thinner (the dirty secret about being really fit and trying to put on muscle? You gain fat, too. Your body wants to protect its muscle – fat is useful, yo.) But despite being thinner and lighter (and “normal” according to BMI), I’m not in nearly as good shape as I was when training.

    My lowest adult weight was the months post-knee-surgery, when I dropped down to about 30 pounds lower than my rugby weight. This is largely because I was also missing a large chunk of one quadriceps muscle. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thrilled to see that ridiculously low (for me) number on the scale. Because of my SEVERELY ATROPHIED MUSCLE. There are about fifteen things wrong with that. But I was really excited about that number, even though it didn’t mean anything.

    Now, I keep a scale on hand, and weigh myself on occasion, mostly to reassure myself that, in fact, the moderate amount of exercise and intuitive eating that I’m doing are not going to leave me blimplike. I’m at a set-point for my body right now, and even when I miss a rock climbing session or eat some cake (mmm, cake), I don’t go up or down more than a few pounds. Unless I stop exercising entirely, and then I start losing muscle weight. So weird.

    (P.S. All exercise in my life right now is fun and fits into my schedule. None of it is terribly expensive, and none of it sucks. Plus, endorphins make me happy. So I would totally encourage you to find something you REALLY LIKE to do for exercise – dancing? long walks? volleyball in a park with friends? – and then do that thing. Because regardless of how it affects your weight, exercise is pretty awesome and doesn’t have to be as horrible as the narrative we’ve constructed around it.)

    Cheers,
    Kate

  33. Kate responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 4:33 pm #

    @Also Kate
    Can I just say that you sound really badass?

  34. Yara responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 4:40 pm #

    Last week I realized I weigh more than I did after my 3rd baby was born. Like, somewhere around 20 lbs more.
    Also, a lot more than when the doctor told me last year “Technically, you’re obese”
    (at which point I went & had a shake from In & Out, and changed my twitter name to YaraTECHNICALLY).
    I know I should probably weight less for health reasons. I also know I’m probably gaining weight from stress, most of which comes from thinking I need to weigh less. Vicious cycle?
    Oh, and of course, there is the birth control issue, which does make one gain weight, slowly, even though the doctor lies (LIES!) and says it doesn’t really cause weight gain.
    But you know what? My kids love me. My baby (almost 3 yrs old now) loves to hug me & cuddle me & lay on my soft body. And THAT feels better than having to buy clothes in a smaller size!

  35. Spelling responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 4:59 pm #

    I can totally identify with this post. Right now I’m vowing that I won’t eat any sweets for the next, like, 4 weeks. So far so good.

    Loved the story about the kingdom & stolen sheep. Hilarious!

  36. Helen responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 5:39 pm #

    I hit my heaviest weight at about 18, and now, five years later, I am about thirty pounds lighter. It didn’t come off from regimented exercise as from having to walk and bike to classes and work, and not having the time or money to eat what I wanted. I recently started exercising, because I can’t get a real job after graduation, hooray! It made me realize that I need to lose more weight than I thought, just because I can’t rock climb like I used to at 16, I can’t swim or bike or hike or do yoga with the ease I used to (and then I smoked a pack a day!). Part of it is regaining red blood cells from living at about a mile lower in elevation.
    Even as a teenager I’ve hated my body, and now that I am thinner I can look at myself (dressed) and be somewhat okay. But somehow I think I’ve gotten used to the feeling of hating myself in some way, and without such an obvious weight problem, I’ve turned those feelings towards other aspects of myself, like personality. It’s exhausting, but it’s hard to figure out how to live in the world in a difference psychological space than this. Someday.

  37. justmama responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 6:17 pm #

    The Thanksgiving weigh-in…I had no idea it was such a widespread phenomenon! :)
    While this is not a “heaviest weight” story…I think that it’s the perfect place to share a different perspective.
    We have two daughters (and two sons-in-law). Everyone was here for T-giving. Our daughters are very different: one is small and tomboyish, the other tall and very curvy. Their fellas are different, too. SiL #1 is a real big guy, and SiL#1 is wiry and slight. You guessed it…Big guy, little girl, really thin guy, curvy girl.
    When SiL#1 was greeted with “you losin’ weight, man?” He headed off for the scale. I guess it’s our responsibility as the older generation to be the keepers of the scale. When he came back, he looked non-plussed…”I lost 5 pounds”. Not at all like he was impressed. The girls were and raced off to see if they liked the number they saw. Nope. Later, SiL#2 went missing. When located, it was found that he was getting a base-line weight. It was his goal….his GOAL…to gain weight during supper.
    The two boys discussed their weights during supper. “You know I weigh a LOT more than you…”SiL#1 said. “EAT MORE!” It was never considered to eat less and hence weigh less. The girls’ discussion focused on how they shouldn’t weigh so much, and maybe they should eat less.
    For me, the highlight of the evening was the crowing we heard as Sil#1 checked his weight and had GAINED 2.6#! He was so proud! Although, he thought perhaps he could have hit 3 if he’d eaten dessert.
    ….hmmm, maybe the ladies have this one all wrong. LOL!
    Don’t get me wrong, I struggle with those numbers on the scale…and don’t think that we should all just eat ’til we pop. But, maybe we’re just a little too worried about JUST NUMBERS.

  38. Mara responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 8:02 pm #

    You shouldn’t eat only carrots and watery gruel for any time period remotely resembling a month. For one thing, your skin will turn orange. For another, you definitely won’t be getting all the nutrients you should be. I mean, carrots are healthy for you, but you won’t find a lot of the stuff you need in them.
    But, yeah, I’ve made that promise too. Juicing diet. One month. I never even started.
    For me, it usually follows me looking at my arms in the mirror. I hate them. They’re so jiggly, and they just lump out looking all fat and thick unless I’m wearing long sleeves, which kinda sucks for hot Georgia summers. It’s like, I feel good about myself until I see my arms in the mirror and realize I’ve been walking around all day with my arms like that.
    I can’t stop it. I can’t reason myself out of hurting my own feelings. I just want to be happy. Why is my body image stopping me?

  39. E responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 8:12 pm #

    Mirrors anywhere near running should be banned. I hate that gyms do it. It is so distracting and how many people really look good running?! I don’t know them. I tell myself stuff like that too, even though I don’t mean it. I will always choose food over no food. Unless it’s hot dogs. I’ll never choose that.

  40. TheQueerBird responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 9:12 pm #

    I love this post.

    My heaviest weight was recently, but I also found myself back at my college weight even more recently, and that weight, incidentally, was 10 pounds more than I would ever have “allowed” in high school. So I found myself at College Weight (CW) and instead of feeling like I had to accept it (again, 10 pounds above acceptable) because it was less than my heavy weight, I suddenly realized that this is where my body wanted to be. I hovered at that weight for years and found myself back at it now… regardless of how it compares to anyone else, or that a smaller figure would fit nicely on my frame, my body is happy and healthy at my CW, and (finally) I am, too. Though today I’m probably more than that… I’m sure I’ll see it again. If I see a scale somewhere and decide to use it.

    (I love not owning a scale.)

  41. Kate responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 9:15 pm #

    @E
    Yes! I was kind of shocked when I noticed that my face moves when I run. As though the skin is too loose. Is that even OK? Probably. But I didn’t want to know.

  42. Sooz responded on 28 Nov 2011 at 9:45 pm #

    Golly geez. You are such a damn good writer Kate. it’s such a refreshing blog to read. I am always excited to read what you post. Anyway, I sure do remember my heaviest weight. Close to 200lbs. Which at 5’3″ is NOT cute. It was right after having one of my four kids. Still. I’ve been hovering b/t 150-180lbs. When I worked out a lot and barely ate anything I was hovering around 150lbs. I was killing myself and I still was chunky. I have a few friends who are so skinny and gorgeous and I do not like being around them b/c I am so insecure about being the fatty. No man ever glances my way. i am not sexy or alluring or glam. I still struggle w/body confidence but one really nice thing about getting older is that I just seem to give less and less of a damn. Which is nice. Because it’s exhausting trying to keep up the w/the gorgeous thin lovely women of the world. I will never be that and there is some mourning of that dream. But in general I know better who I am now. I am fierce. I am strong. I am powerful. And it has NOTHING to do with what I look like and everything to do with the spirit that lives within. Thank you for YOUR spirit Kate. You sure do make the world a better place. :)

  43. bethany actually responded on 29 Nov 2011 at 1:25 am #

    I think I’m at my heaviest weight right now, actually, not counting pregnancy weight. I gained 60ish pounds with my first daughter and lost all but about 20 pounds. With my second daughter, I gained about 30 pounds and went back down to the same weight I was before. What’s funny is that even though I weigh the same as I did before this last pregnancy, my body shape is different and clothes fit me differently. Pregnancy changes your body in more ways, and in longer-lasting ways, than you might think!

    Before I had kids, I used to swear every other week I was going to eat nothing but vegetables, and then never follow through. I was vaguely dissatisfied with my body, but I never had disordered eating or hated my body.

    Now, I get annoyed sometimes by not being able to easily find jeans that fit my shape (I’m short and round), but other than that I honestly am not bothered by it. I wish I were in better shape in terms of strength and endurance, but I am overall pretty happy with the way I look. Having kids and breastfeeding gave me a whole new level of respect for my body and what it can do. How could I possibly hate it or mistreat it?

  44. Anna responded on 29 Nov 2011 at 2:55 am #

    Let me get one thing out of the way before I do my ‘heaviest weight’ story: I’m 15. My heaviest weight was two years ago, when I was 189 lbs. I was 5’3. I never had a life-shocking thing where I was freaked out about my weight, but I do that now, even though I weight 150, and am 5’5. I saw the number and never cared because I’ve always been in perfect health. Now, I’m a lot more conscious about how I look, and I look back and say ‘how did that happen?’ ‘when and why?’ And now, if I gain an ounce, or don’t lose as much as I expected, I’m surprised. I guess that it happens with age, becoming self-conscious (though that implies something else, as conscious means aware, and it doesn’t mean self-aware, it means ‘self-hate’, so does it morph from aware to hate as you get older?)

  45. Claire Allison responded on 29 Nov 2011 at 5:07 am #

    For me the worst part about the heaviest weight was the way other girls treated me. I was always effortlessly skinny, but when I went to my Carpentry apprenticeship I put on nearly 10 pounds, and another 15 over the course of the year where I worked as a carpenter. Most of this was muscle, and as someone else mentioned, the muscle likes fat to help it along. I started to imagine that people were thinking that my metabolism “finally” stopped being super-powered- that people were thinking I no longer had it easy.

    When I got back from my apprenticeship to my hometown I can remember saying to one of my female coworkers “Look! I’ve got badass guns! I’m so buff! I actually put on weight!” and she looked at me, smirked and said “I know. Finally.” All she heard was “i put on weight” and replied to me like it was a good thing- in a vindictive way. She was vindictively happy that my metabolism was not some super-powered thing that could keep me skinny. Before that conversation I’d worked really hard to feel proud of my new muscles and my larger physique, but after I went home and all I could stare at was my no longer flat stomach, my touching thighs and my massively large shoulders that no longer fit into my shirts.

    People always gave me shit for being skinny but the moment I buffed up they rubbed it in my face. The equally vindictive part of me almost wants to go back to see that girl just so I can say “hey look, I dropped the carpenter weight now that I’m not doing that anymore, looks like my metabolism is a super-power!” Except the only reason she treated me like that is because her larger body beside my smaller one always made her feel insecure.

  46. Claire Allison responded on 29 Nov 2011 at 5:11 am #

    I have another weird relationship with that period of weight gain. It wasn’t until I moved away to grad school and had to draw myself for a class that I realized how the weight really looked- and when that happened I suddenly felt like I couldn’t let people who knew the slimmer me see me until I slimmed down. My ex moved out here too and I refused to see him until I lost it. It’s funny how you never want to see an ex unless you look as good or better than you did when you were together.

  47. Kellie responded on 29 Nov 2011 at 8:24 am #

    Kate, I love you and I love your writing and blog. You are the most authentic person I ever ‘met’. It is so cool I get to meet you through your amazing writing. I have a blog and write about deeply personal stuff (like how I never want to work again!)–I am an at home mom. Yesterday, in a bit of a panic about getting too real, I made my blog invitation only…but today I read yours and it is not only like a breath of fresh air, it is a triumph! A woman who is willing to be real, speak her truth, and ‘go there’…thank you Kate! You give me courage. And I just did a funny little math problem, remembering my weight at 30, because I stood up in front of a bunch of first graders in a science class I was teaching and said it aloud, to which the skinny teacher next to me looked aghast (118!), And according to my calculations (if I have decimals down correctly), I have gained only 1/100th of a pound each year, in 18 years. Not as bad as I thought, jeesh, because this stomach roll feels like waaaay more than that! ;) Keep writing the good write! You are terrific!

  48. Also Kate responded on 29 Nov 2011 at 12:53 pm #

    @Kate um, I kind of just melted a little bit. I don’t know if I’m badass, but despite all of my athletic pursuits, some part of me is still fourteen and absolutely LOATHES her body with a passion, so every day is still a slog on the body image front. I like your unroasts. I’ve taken to trying to pick out one thing I like about myself every day, and so far I think it’s helping. :)

    I just don’t want to look back on my 20s from an older-lady vantage point and say “my god, I had a body that could climb rock walls and I spent a disproportionate amount of time obsessing over the size and shape of my thighs. What was WRONG with me?!”

  49. Kate responded on 29 Nov 2011 at 1:14 pm #

    @Also Kate
    I don’t want that to happen to you either. Because being able to climb rock walls is infinitely cooler than any thigh-shape TV can dream up.

  50. Kate responded on 29 Nov 2011 at 1:29 pm #

    @Kellie
    You are really sweet. Thank you so much and a big hug!

    I have made blog posts private in the past, when I realized they might be going too far. But then again, the more I write online, the less reliable my understanding of “too far” as a concept :-)

    I want to read your blog!

    <3

  51. Rachel W. responded on 30 Nov 2011 at 1:17 am #

    My heaviest weight is *now.* Highest weight in my life. Huh. (I blame marriage and having a real kitchen for the first time in four years.)

    I’m frustrated by my weight, both because it’s a higher number than my brain thinks is okay, and because all my clothes are inexplicably LOOSER than they were last year, when I was a fifteen-pounds-lighter nervous pre-wedding wreck. Skirts I couldn’t button this spring are now inexplicably roomy, and I found out that I now wear a surprisingly low number in Real Lady clothing, and my ‘set point’ weight is ten pounds lighter.

    So I feel dual-betrayed. I think part of me wants to know how I’m supposed to be hating my body at any given moment– which words to use, what to focus on. I’m upset because these conflicting data points are scrambling my ability to articulate my self-loathing.

    There’s also a strange double standard in my thinking: I think my weight is too small a number… for other people. People with that number must be food-obsessed or chronically anxious or just lucky-but-unsettling jerks. But when I apply it to myself, I feel ashamed, because it’s too heavy. Not *way* too heavy, just heavy enough that I’ll never quite get to what I think would be okay, because I love bread and pie more than I do carrots and gruel.

    I’m aware that this is pure madness, but the awareness doesn’t always help.

    Thanks for writing, Kate. Always provokes some self-discovery, even if it’s faintly unsettling self-discovery!

  52. Dee responded on 30 Nov 2011 at 9:39 am #

    Hey, maybe we can have some sort of cyber-competition with a “Heavy Weight” class? :o )

  53. melissa responded on 30 Nov 2011 at 12:02 pm #

    uuugghhhh!

    I’m pretty sure I’ve gone back to my heaviest weight. Though I can’t say I lost much after that either – like, ten pounds worth of water weight from quitting soda.

    The thing is, we made a lot of changes! I forced myself to fall in love with water, we’ve reduced our meat consumption to these tiny little pieces and we stopped stocking the house with pasta. We took up roller blading and cycling.

    You think I’d lose any kind of weight? Heck no. Nothing. Zilch.

    I’m just thankful that I carry it well and that no one cares. I kind of care, though. Not a whole lot, but it would be nice to look good in photos one day.

  54. Frances responded on 30 Nov 2011 at 2:28 pm #

    Hi!

    Two cures for those voices, those criticising, nagging voices that react to any and every mistake / bad photo. They might sound like sickly self-help tips…but they work, sometimes.

    1) Name the voice. Mine is called Bartelemy, because I find it an odious name. Then when I hear myself think “God, you’re such an idiot” in a scathing tone, I can just think “shut up, Bartelemy” and not give him any validation.

    2) Try saying, “I feel fat right now” rather than “I am / I look fat”. Then ask why. Feeling fat normally really means feeling sad, stupid or shy. What are you feeling fat ABOUT? (Thank Geneen Roth for that one – I think you’d like her books.)

    Hope it helps, a little. Have a lovely week xx

  55. Kate responded on 30 Nov 2011 at 2:30 pm #

    @Frances
    Bartelemy! LOVE!

  56. Frances responded on 02 Dec 2011 at 3:46 pm #

    Ooh, I had a thought today, while I was at work making chocolate tarts (appropriate no?). And it felt like a Big Important Tought, so forgive me if it seems spellbindingly obvious:

    Maybe it is socially acceptable for women (people, but especially women) to worry about feeling fat / ugly /other as a stopgap for the big empty pain of being alive.

    You are not supposed to admit to the crazy overwhelming fear of just being one tiny person – and you are especially not supposed to talk about feeling depressed when you are well off – but you are more than allowed to complain about your thighs.

    So it is easier to say out loud “I feel fat today” and it is easier to hear and respond to (“No, don’t be silly” “me too” “my thighs are worse”.) Emotions are cloudy, and weight is a manifest thing.

    But maybe life would would be more honest if we said “I feel existential angst today”. What do you think?

  57. Kate responded on 02 Dec 2011 at 3:52 pm #

    @Frances
    Totally interesting thought.
    I think you’re right, it IS much easier to worry about small, material, immediate things. And then you zoom out and you’re like, “Shit. We’re all gonna DIE.” And you realize you should stop worrying about your thighs. I go through cycles of this a lot.
    But sometimes I really feel like the thighs are the problem. Like everything would be better, if this one thing was better. And I think that might be about the fact that there’s a LOT of emphasis in the world I live in on looking a certain way in order to be existentially valid. But maybe that’s because we ALL, as a society, want to focus on the small things to distract ourselves from the large? I don’t know.

  58. zoe (and the beatles) responded on 02 Dec 2011 at 8:02 pm #

    i never owned a scale. i still don’t own a scale. though, my previous roommate did and i spent two years standing on it every morning bemoaning my existence. i’m at my heaviest weight now, a year after being at my lowest (i went from not eating to over eating. oh, the joys of eating disorders!) i don’t know what it is since i don’t own a scale. i just know none of my clothes fit. funny thing is, though i am not entirely too confident, i’ve dropped a lot of the attachments i carried regarding my body. i’ve dropped almost all of the self-hatred, the healthy living blogs, and the obsession i carried around for two years. i’m heavy now but i don’t think you’d notice. i barely do sometimes. instead of hating my body, i fell in love with my self — the person i am and the person i am becoming.

    it’s not to say this isn’t hard, because sometimes it is. but most days, i am thankful for this weight gain though because it taught me how to truly care for myself. it reframed the idea of true beauty for me. most importantly though, it allowed me to realize that i am not just a body. i’m a person. with a heart, mind, and soul. the body is just the thing carrying all that around. it’s neutral, as my therapist likes to tell me. it simply reacts to how you treat it and how feel about it. what if we loved our bodies into our natural weights instead of hating them all the way there?

    anyway, i’m digressing now. thanks for this kate. numbers shouldn’t cause people to vow starvation. where’s the love in that?

  59. Amy responded on 02 Dec 2011 at 9:46 pm #

    My heaviest weight came soon after my lightest.

    I was struggling through undiagnosed Crohn’s disease flares for my entire junior year of high school. I bled internally a lot and eventually lost my ability eat solid food. However, even as I grew more and more anemic and malnourished, my brother kept telling me how good I looked thin. Everybody else said he was an idiot and I should see a doctor.

    When I did get a diagnosis, I was put on lots of Prednisone, a steroid whose main side effect is “persistent weight gain”. That combined with a required low-fire diet and months of bed rest helped rack up the pounds. I gained sixty, many of which were healthy for my height. I didn’t care about the numbers then. I was just happy to be able to eat again.

    It’s been a couple years since then. I’m considerably healthier, but my weight still fluctuates a lot. My restricted low-fiber diet gets me a lot of funny looks. I have body issues even if once I nearly starved to death and have only terrifying memories of being thin.

    That highest number is still in my head even though I have far better things to worry about. For me, every day is one step toward health and away from the scale. I’m glad I found this article. It reminds me of how far I’ve come and how little I have to be ashamed about.

  60. tirzahrene responded on 03 Dec 2011 at 8:16 pm #

    I hit my heaviest weight every time I get weighed these days. Which thankfully is only once every several months or so.

    I was asked the other day what I think my ideal weight is. I’m getting used to the idea that I’m squishier than I used to be, and lumpier than I used to be, and far, far happier than I used to be.

    I said, “I think that when I’m eating a reasonably healthy diet, food that’s good for my body and food that’s good for my soul (HELLO BACON), and when I’m sleeping right, and when I’m getting some reasonable and good exercise, whatever I weigh then is my ideal weight.”

  61. Sanni responded on 07 Dec 2011 at 11:59 am #

    I remember when I was at my heaviest weight, not because of a scale either because I did not own one but because I’ve had to get rid of all the clothes that I wore at that time, being that they all got too big on me. But this was time when I was Happy with a capital H. It was the year that I got married to my husband, and I thought I had never been as beautiful as I was that day in that gorgeous dress, my flowy hair and yup, that belly and those thighs and underarms. I did not even think about those things whereas now I am obsessing about a slight muffin top in my jeans… I guess I should learn something from that old me!

  62. Eat the Damn Cake » little victories: BOMBSHELL responded on 23 Jan 2012 at 2:21 am #

    [...] I hit my heaviest weight ever (again) back in November and I’m still there. Which kinda surprised me the last time I weighed myself (at my parents’ house, of course, since I don’t own a scale). I thought I’d slip back. I thought I’d return to normal. Y’know, to my real body. [...]

  63. Anne responded on 24 Jan 2012 at 6:09 pm #

    I know this is a late response, but I was just wondering if you, Kate, had any ideas for someone who CAN’T avoid the scale? I mean literally cannot. I work at a veterinary office and we have a huge scale set in the floor about 5 feet from my desk. I can see it constantly and have to walk by it 20 to 50 times a day, and it is so, SO hard not to step on it just to check (sometimes several times a day). I see many of my coworkers do the same thing. And I hate it! A tiny fluctuation in that number makes the difference between a good day and a bad day for me, and it’s so frustrating, because before I started here I had lived scale-free for a few months and loved it.
    At least once a week I promise myself that I’m going to stop stepping on the scale, but the next morning I come in to work and think, “I ate a small dinner last night and peed a lot this morning- let me just see if I lost anything!” Because it matters so much.
    So, how do I stop doing that?

  64. Kate responded on 24 Jan 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    @Anna
    I think it’s like any other addictive behavior, you have to work really, really hard at breaking it. Maybe reward yourself every time you think about doing it, but don’t. Or make yourself do something else before you hop on the scale, like stomping your foot or something, to mark what’s happening, so you sort of wake up and pay attention.

    I’m not sure– those are just some thoughts. But I think part of the problem is that stepping on a scale doesn’t seem like a damaging compulsion, even though it is. So pay it the attention it deserves!

  65. Eat the Damn Cake » The things that freak me out when I think about myself in a bikini responded on 25 May 2012 at 12:59 pm #

    [...] I haven’t worn one in a long time. I pretend to myself that that’s the real issue here. The elapsed time. I’m just uncomfortable because it’s been a while. But that’s not the whole truth. I haven’t worn a bikini since I gained weight. Since I gained enough weight to bring me above my heaviest ever weight. [...]

  66. allena responded on 24 Nov 2012 at 3:40 pm #

    Ok, I’m here from HuffPo and not sure if you’re TRYING to lose weight. If u are NOT, ignore this. But if you ARE, don’t avoid the scale. Weigh yourself once a day or once a week, but definitely WEIGH yourself!

  67. My Heaviest Weight is Back » TF Body responded on 25 Nov 2012 at 12:10 am #

    [...] From: Eat the Damn Cake [...]

  68. Lexie responded on 04 Apr 2013 at 6:37 pm #

    I know this post is old, but I had to add something:
    I don’t remember my heaviest weight, I remember my lightest.
    My mother and sister are small, not thin by default, just little people. Short, small frames, etc. I am not. I’m 5’9″ with broad shoulders and long limbs. (Thanks, Dad.) I saw the “L” on the inside of my T-shirts and got it in my head from a very young age that I was big, then when I was involved in athletics in high school, I lost a lot of weight w/o trying. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was thin. Probably as thin as I can ever be. I still wasn’t small, but I wore short shorts and tight jeans and size medium T-shirts. Then I went to college and only after I was WAY past my lightest weight did I realized just how small I had been, and how next to impossible it is to ever be there again unless working out becomes the only thing I do in my spare time. I could probably guess at my heaviest weight, but I won’t ever forget my lightest.

  69. Eat the Damn Cake » bleeding time responded on 11 Sep 2013 at 5:10 pm #

    [...] so much of the weight, and I announce the new number gleefully to Bear practically every day when I step off the scale. As if to say, Look! I’m almost myself again! I look almost as though nothing happened! I wonder [...]

  70. Eat the Damn Cake » why i don’t like numbers responded on 25 Sep 2013 at 12:20 pm #

    [...] then there are other facts—like the slight fluctuation in the numbers on the scale.  Like the failing grade I got in college when a TA wanted to teach me a lesson. Like all of the [...]

  71. Food For Thought | the kitchen cult responded on 04 Feb 2014 at 1:33 am #

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