Eat the Damn Cake

my first Christmas

First, I just wanted to point you guys to this really interesting post about what women want from work by Virginia at Beauty Schooled. In it, she gives the people who commented on my post about babies a shout out!

(me and my brothers and grandmother a while back, celebrating Chanukah)

This will be my first Christmas with my new family.

With Bear’s family. Who are also my family now. Isn’t it funny how you can sometimes just acquire a family?

Bear said, “It might feel weird. Someone might offend you by accident.”

We’re going to be in California with his family for about a week surrounding Christmas, which this year also happens to be the week of Chanukah (it starts tonight). So…Christnukah?

(source)

People always wish me a merry Christmas. And then I’m not sure what to say back, since I don’t celebrate it. Usually I just say, “Merry Christmas!” Sometimes I say, “Actually, I’m Jewish, but Merry Christmas!” Sometimes I sort of want to say, “Happy Chanukah!” but I never do, because that feels mean. Sometimes it’s obvious that the other person isn’t Christian either, and then we both kinda look at each other and then quickly walk away.

I don’t like it, though, when people defend their right to wish me a Merry Christmas, even after I say it makes me a little uncomfortable. They say, “Christmas is for everyone!” or “Come on, this is America, it’s just a big commercial holiday that doesn’t even have anything to do with religion.” Christmas has everything to do with religion. It celebrates the birth of Jesus– you guys remember him, right? Even if you’re just sitting around under your evergreen tree, eating cookies and opening presents and not thinking about your soul at all, you’re still celebrating a religious holiday. And I’m still not celebrating that holiday, because I have different holidays with different stories that have to do with a whole other religion.

So when Bear and I get a card that says “Merry Christmas!” I am not sure how to feel. The Merry Christmas counts for him. It lumps me in with him. It assumes that I am celebrating Christmas, too. I feel a little invisible.

“Merry Christmas, Kate!” says Bear, holding up another card that’s just arrived. He starts singing, “O holy night…” He grins impishly at me. “There are SO many great Christmas songs. I think I’m gonna try to sing them all.”

I roll my eyes. I laugh. I’m overanalyzing. I’m just sensitive.

Maybe weirdly, Bear and I agree on most things. We see the world similarly. It makes living together easy. Sometimes I forget that I am Jewish and he is not. He isn’t a Christian— he doesn’t consider himself religious or care very much about holidays. He can now sing a bunch of prayers in Hebrew, and we celebrate Shabbat together on Friday nights by lighting candles, saying a blessing, and sharing what we’re feeling thankful for that week. Beyond that, religion doesn’t really come up. I want our eventual kids to grow up Jewish, but I’m not even sure what that will mean or look like. We haven’t spent too much time talking about it.

And now I am about to celebrate Christmas with his family, and it occurs to me that not talking about religion doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Christmas isn’t just a blip. It isn’t just another empty box on the calendar. It’s meaningful for his family. Even if it doesn’t necessarily feel like an expression of religious devotion to every one of his family members, it feels important and special. It’s a time when everyone comes together, exchanges gifts, laughs, and hugs. It’s a time when old grievances might be awkwardly aired and old wounds might be healed or salted. In other words, it’s family time, and there’s a Christmas tree smack in the middle of it.

Mostly, I don’t even think about being Jewish as a thing that makes me different from the majority of people. It doesn’t come up a ton. I live in New York, for crying out loud. There are like four non-Jews in this part of the city, and they all have a Jewish best friend.

(apparently it’s always been clear where I belonged)

But occasionally I am the first Jew someone has ever met. This happened a lot when I went to Montana and Idaho on a family vacation when I was a teenager. It was pretty exciting. I felt special. I feel like I’m a good first Jew.

And occasionally, I remember that my Jewishness is a new thing for Bear’s family. In a way, I’m their first Jew.

His mom is being really sweet about everything. She bought a hannukiah (that’s what the Chanukah menorah is called) and some dreidels, and she asked me if maybe I’d teach the family some stuff about Chanukah. I’m no Chanukah expert (in my defense, Chanukah is actually a very minor Jewish holiday), but I’m looking forward to giving it a shot (“And then the badass Jewish warrior women guided their battle-ready space robots into formation– making a gleaming wall of chromiliax, an impenetrable metal mined on the planet Gorfluck 5– and the ancient Syrian army fled in terror, crying, ‘Jews are awesome and mighty! Especially Jewish girls!’ No one was harmed. And that was the miracle of Chanukah…”)

Talking on the phone with Bear’s mother, I can hear how careful she’s being. How hard she’s trying to make me feel welcomed. And suddenly I think of the situation differently– how will it feel for her, having me there? How will it feel for his whole family? How does it feel to have to be careful and uncertain about what’s OK to say and what’s offensive or inappropriate? How does it feel to try to make someone comfortable without making assumptions? Or to try to include someone who doesn’t necessarily want to be included? How does it feel when your son brings his new Jewish wife home for Christmas?

And beyond that even, how does it feel for Bear, who will light Chanukah candles with me tonight? Who has quietly learned how to sound out Hebrew letters and can participate easily in the basic Shabbat liturgy.

Maybe this Christmas isn’t about me being an outsider awkwardly trying to fit into someone else’s tradition or awkwardly standing apart from it as it occurs around me. Maybe it’s about all of us, trying to be a family. All of us, adjusting to each other.

When we visited Bear’s very devout grandmother last year, she kept asking me if I was a Catholic. Half of his family is Catholic. I had to keep gently breaking the news to her. “No, I’m not Catholic. I’m actually Jewish.”

“Oh!” she said, each time, startled, having to adjust to this information. “Jewish…” she sounded it out. She remembered that she’d known some good people who were Jews and told me about them.

“Well, we all believe in the same heaven!” she’d say, finally, delivering the verdict. “And we believe in the same God!”

I held her papery hand in both of mine and nodded. “Exactly! That’s right.”

We smiled at each other. We could make this work.

Of course, I didn’t mention that I don’t exactly believe in God. That’s another thing.

(coool….source)

* * *

What about you? Are you in an interfaith relationship? Or aren’t religious? What’s your holiday issue? There’s always somethin’…

Unroast: Today I love the way I look in a long dress. I have this fantasy about owning a completely simple black maxi dress with long sleeves. I would put a bright belt on it. This giveaway stuff has me thinking about dresses a lot

57 Comments »

Kate on December 20th 2011 in family, marriage, new york

57 Responses to “my first Christmas”

Avery responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:05 pm #

I live in the bay area, so no risk of the mid-western experience, (no offense to the friendly people there. You guys know how to work a twice baked potato. Mad respect.)
I laughed about your comment on being a good first jewish person. made me think about if i’m a good first person like me for people to meet (ex-homeschooled, in college early). People assume I’m something that I’m not (super religious), and it takes some subtle work to get around that.
And yes, that dress would work. makes me want to go buy belts.
Happy Chanukah! And happy holidays in general. if for nothing else but the plethora of cookies, snow, and people fighting over justin bieber barbies at target.
jaime responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:06 pm #

yes. just, yes. this is my 7th Christmas with my fiance and his catholic family. they have gone above and beyond to make me feel included, to the point of feeling targeted (witness: 7 year old cousin playing the dreidel song for me on the violin. in front of everyone.) and i love them for it but it’s still not my holiday. and it’s awkward but lovely and i get the sneaking suspicion that it will never really be anything else.
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:09 pm #

@Avery
I laughed out loud at the Bieber barbie thing!
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:10 pm #

@jaime
Exactly– with the violin. Sometimes when people are trying to make sure you’re included, they’re really just emphasizing what makes you different.
Melanie responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:14 pm #

My boyfriend and I are really new. I read a lot about Buddhism and I meditate, but I wouldn’t really consider myself a practicing Buddhist. I do have a table with tons of Buddhas on it that I have to remind myself to calm down and breathe. For the first two months of our relationship he would tell me he had work stuff to do on Saturdays, when really he was going to church. He’s a practicing SDA (seventh day adventist). I used to be a super judgmental atheist. When he finally told me I said, “As long as there is nothing in your faith that will make you judge me, or act differently toward me, or act homophobic or racist, I’m all good with it!” I think whatever helps people find peace and get them through the day should be respected. So while I know his parents would probably be kind if we met, the fact that I have quite a few tattoos, and stretched out earlobes, would not bode well with them. That’s okay with me. I spent a long time getting comfortable with who I am. I have no time to waste trying to make others comfortable with me. As long as I love him and treat him well, that’s all that should matter.

And I rarely greet people during the holidays, and don’t do cards. But if I did I’m pretty sure I’d keep it simple and just say, “Happy Holidays!” Being inclusive is important.
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:17 pm #

@Melanie
Being inclusive IS important. Sometimes I feel like it’s lame to try to be PC all the time, or to be the kind of person who is always getting offended when people aren’t PC. That can get exhausting. But then I notice myself feeling kinda hurt when people ignore things about me that feel meaningful. So I have to side with inclusiveness.
Layla responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:25 pm #

I don’t believe in god and I’m not religious at all. For my family, Christmas is about seeing each other and sharing food and celebration. I have no issue with this and it’s not about religion, because the original Pagan festival of Yule was at this time of year, and it was about celebrating the return of the light at the darkest time of year – the thought was that if no-one called back the light, it wouldn’t return. This really makes sense to me, that in the darkest of winter we celebrate our existence and the fact that the light will return to us and the winter will not be endless. So that’s what it’s about for me, and it is annoying to me when people inform me that even though I’m not religious, I must be celebrating the birth of Christ. No, I’m not. They might be, but that’s not what I believe.
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:29 pm #

@Layla
Fair enough!
Tempest responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:35 pm #

“I feel like I’m a good first Jew.”

Can I tell you how much I love this statement? AWESOME.

I’m the result of an Italian Catholic mother and Russian Jewish father (or what I like to call, the classic NJ combo – the kids ended up Catholic btw, mom always wins). I’m a Witch, so I celebrate the Solstice/Yule. Usually I just respond to the Merry Xmas wishes with “Happy Holidays” – that avoids the whole mess without sounding mean or getting into drama.
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:38 pm #

@Tempest
Yeah, “Happy holidays” is the way to go. You’re totally right.
Anna responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:47 pm #

I have an interfaith relationship with my entire family. My brother and I both went through a long period of questioning a couple years ago and landed on opposite ends of the spectrum. I’m Agnostic. I don’t know what there is, but there has to be something. Some reason we’re all here, whether it’s God or nature. My brother, however, became a Catholic. Since he moved out, he’s started going with his friend, his friend’s wife, and their daughter to church every Sunday. He loves having a close relationship with God. He’s coming home Friday, and wants me to go to church with him on Christmas Eve. I’m not sure if I should, to be a good sister and best friend to him, or if it will look like I’m devaluing what I believe in by going.

Meanwhile, my mother is also Agnostic (she was a religious anthropology major when she first went to college) and my father is a Baptist. His father was Baptist and was studying Buddhism before he died. I don’t know about my grandmother; my dad doesn’t talk about her much, aside from stories about how great of a person she was. My mom’s parents are Protestant. My biological father’s family are all Roman Catholic (that entire side of the family is Sicilian). My aunt is Wiccan. My uncle is Catholic (a repeating trait in our family). When I went through a Pagan faze when I was younger. They all supported me even though it was awkward and hard for them to understand entirely. They celebrated Christmas on the 22nd with me (it’s the Winter solstice, Christmas was placed closer to it so they coincided with each other.)

I have a good relationship with my interfaith family, because they have all been open and willing to accept and learn other religions with me.
Deb responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:56 pm #

Wait, what? What do you mean, you don’t exactly believe in God? Is that a personal thing, or is it part of Judaism?

(I’m not trying to pry… just curious. I find Judaism fascinating. Most everything I know about it came from the Rabbi Small books, though, so….)
Barbra responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:58 pm #

In so many ways, I am in a similar situation to you. It has been a huuuuuge endeavor trying to explain myself to my atheist partner’s very, very Christian family, who had never met a Jew before.

Ok, so I don’t believe in Jesus. And we keep kosher at home. And I go to services a lot. And read Torah. And lead my parents’ Seder. And oh yeah–I’m an atheist too. I think they were following me until that last part.

When they send us a Christmas card, I do kind of feel left out. But they don’t believe in saying “Happy Holidays,” even to me. I think it would be really hard for me to celebrate Christmas with them, especially if it was happening during Chanukah. I’m glad your in-laws are a little more willing to adjust.

Interfaith is hard, isn’t it? They weren’t lying to us when we were kids. Worth it, but really hard.
midnightsky responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 1:59 pm #

Christmas certainly is a Christian holiday, and as a Christian, I celebrate it. But you know, I wouldn’t have a beef if someone sent me a card for a holiday I don’t celebrate. If my Jewish friends wished me a Happy Chanukah, I’d be thrilled to bits. It’s not proselytizing or condemning to share your holiday with someone, nor is it acting like you’re “just like them” — it’s wanting to spread good cheer and all that. I’m guessing that Bear’s family isn’t sending you Christmas cards because they’re trying to nudge you into leaving your religion or adopt one or something, but because they see Christmas as a time to reach out to others and celebrate the spirit of the time — yes, even if it’s a Christian spirit of the time.

One thing that I think would really confuse and generally wear out any holiday spirit, is having to ask each person you wish greetings to, if they’re okay with Christmas. You start getting around to things like “Happy Holidays,” which is the bane of Christians everywhere because it feels like a sterilization, especially when, say, it is enforced in schools or the workplace.

In short, I’m pretty sure no one means to offend anyone, and it seems a little bit of a downer mentality to be peeved by someone’s holiday greetings, especially when they celebrate that holiday “for real” or whatever.

Thing that confuses me most: Judaism is a religion, yes? So what’s with all the atheist/agnostic/whatever people that are somehow Jewish by genetics? You can’t pass a religion through genetics. So are there two kinds of Jews, the ethnic kind and the religious kind, and they most often overlap? Is it a genetic lineage or a belief system? Can you have one without the other and still be considered Jewish?

I’m so confused.
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 2:00 pm #

@Deb
It’s totally a personal thing. Although Jewish atheists aren’t incredibly uncommon.

It’s possible to be culturally Jewish without being religiously Jewish. I observe some religious traditions, because they feel meaningful, but I don’t do it because of a belief in God– more a sense of connection with my people.

You’re not prying!
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 2:06 pm #

@midnightsky
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judaism
Not the most amazing explanation, but I don’t really have time to get into it right now, and there are bits father down the page about the differences between “Jews as a people and Judaism.”
Hlockhart responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 2:16 pm #

@midnightsky When you’re in a minority religion (Judaism being one example in the US), it can be uncomfortable to be surrounded by Christmas celebration. It can feel awkward to have people wishing me “Merry Christmas” or asking how my Christmas shopping is getting along as if this is an experience that “everyone” shares, when I don’t in fact share it. I appreciate that saying “Happy Holidays” feels sterile for people who honor Christmas, but I would think that it would feel just as weird to wish “Merry Christmas” to someone who doesn’t honor that holiday.

The genetic/belief distinction you’re making is not really appropriate to Judaism, or to a lot of religions in the world: you can indeed be “born” into many religions, though the extent that you identify with particular practices or beliefs varies.
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 2:20 pm #

@Hlockhart
Thanks! I was feeling uncertain about how to respond to midnightsky without repeating a bunch of what I wrote in the post.
Hannah responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 2:21 pm #

I have a really hard time with religion. There’s this really judgmental agnostic part of myself that really draws lines between myself and religious people. My boyfriend of many years was raised in the Islamic faith and although he’s not devout, I still have a hard time respecting that part of him (the only thing he observes is that he doesn’t eat pork — his father’s an imam and his mother was raised Jewish… so that makes him equally Muslim and Jewish I guess…) I’m half and half (Jewish and Christian) and I pretty much celebrate everything. But as with many people, god and religion play no role in our family gatherings and celebrations (not to mention my own life).

I love Christmas, but just because it’s a time to cherish those around you. I think it’s a lovely thing to include others in that tradition.
Hlockhart responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 2:21 pm #

Kate, thanks for this post. I’m in a very similar situation: I’m Jewish, my husband’s mother’s family is Catholic, he’s not religious in any way. I have celebrated Christmas with them in the past, and I enjoy spending time with his family (and his mother’s amazing cookies). This is our first married Christmas, and for some reason I am feeling more apprehensive about it: I think it’s because now we’re planning to have kids someday, and I’m imagining how they will celebrate Christmas. They will be raised Jewish, and it is very important to me that they understand Christmas as something to be celebrated with their grandmother because honoring her is important, not because it’s their own holiday. I’d love to hear how your first Christmas goes–I feel like I don’t have anyone to discuss this particular problem with.
Novice Wife responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 2:23 pm #

I don’t think it’s mean at all to say “Happy Chanukah”!

I always say “Happy Holidays” myself because I think most people are comfortable with that, but if someone starts out saying “Merry Christmas,” the best possible interpretation I could give to that is that they’re wanting to share something about their culture/background. If that’s the case, you should absolutely feel entitled to do the same! IMHO of course . . .

And, honestly, your story about everyone trying so hard to find common ground sort of made me tear up – people can be really sweet when they’re trying to create communities and families.
teegan responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 2:25 pm #

my mother was raised catholic, my father baptist. when they were married, mom became a baptist, and dad never really came to church except for major holidays or if my sister or i was playing/singing/speaking. i’m pretty much agnostic, as is hubby. his family is catholic, but except for his mother, it’s only in the way that all descendants of italians have catholicism mixed into their traditions.
so holidays have not been too big of an issue. my family goes to church on christmas eve (and he went with, when we were with them). his mother goes to midnight mass, and last year i went with her because i love the solemnity, the reflection, the ceremony of it.
the only interesting thing to me right now is christmas ornaments – my mother gave me a bunch from her massive stash, and i realized that i don’t particularly want a lot of religiously oriented ones on my tree. i took an angel or two, some stars, some bells, but the rest are pretty much secular.
i think it’ll be a bigger issue when we start to raise our kids, trying to find away to explain that our holiday is about family, about the renewal of the solstice, about sharing your love. hubby talks about his semester in denmark and the concept of hygge – basically creating warmth and comfort during long, dark, cold winters. that’s what i want our holiday to be about.
Also Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 2:33 pm #

I suppose I’m in an interfaith relationship – she’s Catholic and I came from evangelical Protestant stock (although I’m the liberal black sheep in the family who no longer identifies as evangelical). The Catholic-Protestant thing will probably get interesting-ish when we have children (hopefully) and have to decide how to raise them. But it means we celebrate all the same holidays.

The real obstacle is that while I’m welcome to spend them with her family, she’s not welcome anywhere near mine. So we spend every Christmas and Thanksgiving separated – her with her huge, gay-friendly Cuban family and me with my small band of conservative, homophobic Swedes.

I think next year might be the year that I head off to Thanksgiving at her place, no matter what my family thinks of it. Christmas will likely be somewhat longer in coming. But we shall see.
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 2:36 pm #

@Also Kate
That is a real obstacle. I’m sorry you have to deal with your family not excepting your partner, and also so relieved to hear that her family accepts you! Thanksgiving at her place sounds like the right idea.
Heather responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 2:43 pm #

I have a really relaxed attitude towards the melding of Christmas and Chanukah, and I think a lot of that comes from being the result of an interfaith marriage where religion wasn’t made into a big issue and all the extended family got along/didn’t make it an issue- growing up we celebrated Christmas Eve with both sides of the family, Chanukah within our immediate family (although no gifts since we got plenty at Christmas), and did Chinese food and the movie theater on Christmas day (traditional Jewish Christmas ) As an adult I identify as Jewish (mom was Jewish) and an atheist. Just like @Layla, I tend to think about the fact that Christmas, while a Christian holiday, came out of non-Christian roots, and for me it’s about making sure my family and friends know that I’m thinking about them and care about them- to be inclusive I tend to say Happy Holidays, but I don’t think it’s sterile or offensive in any way. And honestly, I wish that I had your in-law issues- I’m not going to my bf’s parents this year for Christmas because his step mom has issues with me (that we think are unfounded), and I think I’d rather have a difference in religion be the biggest thing that makes me feel awkward and not know what to say that’s appropriate (sorry, not trying to say your issues aren’t valid, just getting my complaining on).
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 2:51 pm #

@Heather
I never think about Christmas’s non-Christian roots, so it’s interesting for me to have them pointed out here. Shows some of my own ignorance about how people think about their religious participation!

I’m so sorry about your bf’s stepmom. That’s rough and I hope it gets resolved soon.

And I want to make sure no one thinks I’m complaining about my in-laws. They are amazing to me, and I feel incredibly, incredibly, incredibly lucky to have them. I know it doesn’t always work out so well. This post for me isn’t about Bear’s family being difficult, it’s about religion being complicated.
lynellekw responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 3:22 pm #

Most of the “Christmas traditions” have little or nothing to do with Christianity. Even celebrating the birth of Christ isn’t biblically required or recommended – it was invented as a means of merging Christianity with existing community celebrations. Lots of Christians struggle with Christmas for these reasons. I grew up in a Christian family, but always with the sense that Christmas was two celebrations running alongside each other – one the choice to remember the birth of Christ, and the other an entirely secular celebration of holiday spirit (I also grew up in a community where I was excluded from the bulk of the local traditional celebrations & ceremonies by default, because my family was one of the few white families living in an Aboriginal community – so my experience of Christmas was mostly about either going to visit family in other states or spending time with friends rather than the en-masse performance of religious ritual. Even once we’d moved to the city we didn’t usually go to church on Christmas Day).

To me, what’s most important is that communities have times to relax and celebrate together, with shared experiences that help create a foundation for living & working together in harmony. So, I think that we should say whatever we need to say to feel included and engaged – and say to others whatever they need to hear to feel included and engaged.

And I’ve often sent Christmas cards that say “Happy Holidays”, because I feel like that covers New Year’s wishes as well.
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 3:32 pm #

@lynellekw
So interesting. I like learning about other people’s religious backgrounds/experiences involving religious practice.
Jess responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 3:47 pm #

I am both the product of an interfaith relationship (Jewish identified/Catholic father) and have never had a relationship with a Jewish identified man; I even dated a Muslim once. I’ve frequently described my family as “a little bit of both and not enough of either” which makes gliding back and forth between numerous cultures pretty fluid. My boyfriend? Knew 2 Jews in high school in California before moving to New York. More or less immediately decided that he thought Jewish girls were hot when he got here (there are a lot of blondes out there, and by and large we’re more dark and mysterious). His mother? A born again Christian who was raised Catholic but brought him up “heathen” as he puts it. But all in all, both of our families are very secular, laid back, and enjoy any excuse to celebrate together and eat something yummy and special (Did I mention being Jewish and Italian means I get ALL the foods???) Holidays, for me, have always been an excuse to see people I love more than any religion. As a child, I didn’t think too hard about Yom Kippur being a day of penance, it was when I saw all of my cousins and ate a lot. My mom said yizkur for her father because he couldn’t be with us. My gentleman’s fondest holiday memories are of Easter egg hunts in the park– because he was with his whole family. In an interfaith family, I find that this is the best way to approach holidays: as an opportunity to be with family. It may have religious roots in either direction, but in the end, its only what it means to you. Its okay to redefine it as long as its on your terms– not someone telling you Christmas has nothing but a commercial meaning anymore.
Amanda responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 4:38 pm #

I tend to just go with Happy Holidays for a greeting if I’m not sure of someone’s religious orientation. I self-identify as Christian, but half a lifetime ago I was dating our local rabbi’s son and over the couple of years we were together I grew to see how culturally Christian our nation tends to be. Even when we’re dealing with secular celebrations of Christmas, there tends to be a religious undertone especially when one is dealing with public expressions of faith-based holidays.

I think that has affected me even to this day. There’s something a bit disconcerting about feeling as if you’re on the outside looking in with a ritual that effectively encompasses your own country. So… yeah. I’m in the Happy Holidays camp.

My marriage now isn’t so much interfaith (I grew up Methodist, he’s a lapsed Catholic) as it is… non-faith. This drives my parents insane. Just as an example, my father’s the one who wrote the pastors a letter this year explaining just why it was so very important that the church hold services on Christmas day, whereas I haven’t darkened the door of our sanctuary in over a year. So my husband and I do the secular thing for Christmas — or at least I do, because my husband has not yet caught the Christmas spirit, bless his heart — and my parents (sometimes not-so) quietly gnash their teeth at their heathen daughter and her a-religious family.

It’s worked out well for my sister and brother, though — my total lack of religious involvement has made it so my parents haven’t even peeped about my sister joining an Presbyterian church or my brother edging toward Episcopalian. There’s always a bright side
Erin responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 6:05 pm #

I had a friend in school who was a Jehovah’s Witness. We were walking somewhere and someone wished us both a Merry Christmas. She just smiled and said, “You too!”

Afterwards, I asked her if it bothered her that people were always doing that. She just shrugged and said, “No one wishes you Merry Christmas to be a dick.” She looked at it as “Have a Nice Day!” which I think is a great approach.

Personally, I’ve always tended to go with “Happy Holidays” thinking that nicely summed up Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Yule/New Years and any other winter celebrations I may be unaware of.
Liz responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 7:41 pm #

first, i feel like an ass because i did to Bear what people do to you– we sent you a Chanukah card without a Christmas card! and i lumped Bear in with you. oh well. i’m making Chris send a Christmas card for him, now, even if it’s late. lol. i know what you mean about the awkwardness of wishing someone a happy holiday and not knowing what to say. i wish there was a little facebook icon or something over their head to let me know. lately, i’ve been saying, “have a good one!” and i feel like an idiot. i’d start saying both (i used to say, “merry Christmas and happy Chanukah!” when i was a kid), but that feels weird, too, because people always look confused. nice post! have fun in california!
Kayla responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 8:20 pm #

Those adjustments are so interesting! I have so much respect for couples/families that are interfaith. My fiancé and his family are Catholic, and I grew up Lutheran, so it’s not a huge difference, but I’m choosing to become Catholic and there’s a lot more to it than I realized, more than other people realized too. But it’s nice with families and couples can support each other and those differences!
Kate responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 8:56 pm #

@Liz
ABSOLUTELY no worries! I’m the one who cares, not him It’s really, really hard to offend Bear, and you would be the last one who was able to do it. You’re way too nice for that.

xoxo
Sara responded on 20 Dec 2011 at 11:19 pm #

I would describe interfaith holidays as a challenge, opportunities for growth, and extraordinarily fun. My husband is a Unitarian Universalist/secular humanist and I’m a Wiccan, we found that UU churches are a nice middle ground between ritual and services and thus make our churchy home there. Both our families are Christian, his father’s side exceptionally so. We made the decision not to discuss my beliefs with that side of his family in order to preserve a little peace, because to them even being UU was worrying. The other side of his family is Methodist and very loving and open. My family is aware of my beliefs but it distinctly makes most of them uncomfortable, so I don’t bring up the topic. I do make it a point during the Christmas season to not shove Yule in their faces, though, mostly because I celebrate Yule and lump all the Christmas traditions that I enjoy in with it. It’s very easy for me to enjoy a traditional Christmas and privately think on my own beliefs without making the family uncomfortable. For example, we’ll go to his grandparents Methodist church and take communion, but take it in the spirit of all forgiveness. His family respects that, and we feel it’s a good thing to remember. When the timing is appropriate we’ll have philosophical discussions where I speak about my beliefs in greater detail, but otherwise I don’t usually discuss them. Pagan beliefs make a lot of folks very uncomfortable and that’s the last thing I want people to be experiencing during what should be a happy time of year, especially when I enjoy the traditions of Christmas as much as they do. (I enjoy Christmas trees so much that I keep one up year round and decorate it for different holidays every year, favorite besides Christmas being the Beltane tree!)
Mallory responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 12:01 am #

for my family, christmas really doesn’t have anything to do with religion. We put up a tree with lights and ornament & wrap them & label them from Santa, Rudolph, Mrs. Clause and our dog. We eat dinner together, and visit our family on Christmas Eve, and dress nice. We open presents on christmas day & eat dinner together. It’s basically like a shared birthday for everyone in my family, and our decorations last a little bit longer then a typical party.

I generally say happy holidays & send my two jewish buddies hannukah cards.
Mallory responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 12:03 am #

spelled that totally wrong.
Kate responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 12:04 am #

@Mallory
Really? I didn’t see anything wrong. But even if you spelled something wrong– doesn’t matter! It’s the internet!
Kate responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 12:05 am #

Oh, if you thought you spelled Chanukah wrong, you definitely didn’t. There are like a million different ways to spell it. I think the way you spelled it is the most common.
Reckless Housewife responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 12:58 am #

I’m a Christian, and I celebrate Christmas. During this time of year, I say, “Merry Christmas” when I am greeting people in my community. For me, it is a way to communicate to others that the birth of Christ is important to me. I don’t get offended if people say “Happy Holidays!” back to me. Holiday came from “holy days” anyway, right?

I certainly wouldn’t be offended if you said “Happy Chanukah!” back in response to my “Merry Christmas!” I know that people celebrate different holidays than I do throughout the year. And even people who celebrate the same holidays as I do celebrate those same holidays differently.

I think people who send you a Christmas card are just saying, “Hey, I thought about you today and want this to be a special time of year for you.” What constitutes special for you doesn’t have to be the same in order for you to accept the well wishes!
KiwiMichelle responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 2:00 am #

“No one wishes you Merry Christmas to be a dick.”
I love this

For me, this time of year is the one time that my entire family gathers together from all around the country.
Religion doesn’t even come into it, even though we all belong to different faiths. Christmas Day is about family. Present opening for the under 5′s, BBQ lunch followed by some lazing around, then a walk on the beach (after all, it’s summer here in NZ) then picking at the leftovers if anyone is still hungry. Overall, a relaxing start to 10 days of summer holidays
Jiminy responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 7:58 am #

Hi Kate,

I didn’t get to answer on the baby post, although I wanted to, but it felt like there was already a flood of thoughts and people resonating with it – way to go, you apparently tap into what your audience struggles with most .

As for interfaith – where shall I begin? Me-orthodox christian (meaning eastern european church, nothing fundamentalist about it), with my parents mild believers and me hardly ever going to church. Husband – atheist, with catholic father and protestant mother – but Dutch, therefore celebrating Saint Nicholas on the 6th of december hugely and only minimally Christmas. Brother and sister in-law – atheist plus catholic, atheist plus muslim – they mean to raise their kids muslim with a pinch of salt. Christmas dinner at my place, with taking into account vegetarianism, no pork, no-half-of-the-vegetables (no religious background for that ) and kids deprived of sugar (healthy nutrition is also a sort of religion), while also trying to steer my own cultural heritage into it minimally – very difficult! And our kids? THey get a bit of everything, I guess. The only way to make this work has been, through the years, to celebrate everything that is important to any of us all, and to go along with whatever is important for the others. And it doesn’t feel difficult at all any more – I miss the steadiness of the ritual in my own culture, but it’s a culture, not a religion thing – although many of the Christmas carols I would sing as a kid were about the birth of Christ, one course in folklore in college showed me just how much of all these traditions are pre-Christian traditions recast: carolling, just as trick-and-treating, is an old way of making a community bond within the bounds of a common sacred framework so as to keep it safe from bad spirits – that is why the one who does not open the door for the blessing (carol/fee-paying with sweets) is spiritually shunned from the community (trick), because he/she breaks the bond. This is originally why people come together and why these are bonding holidays. I love to know more about this kind of thing and it is amazing to notice how, the more people you know from more different backgrounds and cultures, the more alike you feel instead of more different. Of course circumstances are not the same and different societies are more or less open, but I should assume in New York there are hundreds of cultural minorities who blend their perception of traditions into the mainstream – and that yours is, there of all places, not really a minority. (PS – and also, we live in the middle of the orthodox Jewish neighbourhood in this particular city on the other shore of the big sea.)
Jo responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 8:39 am #

I love when people respond with the holiday that they celebrate (or not). Because then I don’t feel like a jerk for spreading my joy. And I’m so scared of messing people up that I don’t usually say anything.

I love the conclusion that you come to, that we’re all just trying to figure out how to fit together, and not wanting to threaten the other. Fingers crossed!
Iris responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 10:08 am #

I’m on the non-religious side of agnostic, but I celebrate Christmas – for two reasons, really.

1) I was raised Protestant, and Christmas is an important holiday for my family. It’s a time we all come together, bake certain things and eat certain things and sing and dance and enjoy each other’s company. We have a lot of Christmas traditions, few of which have to do with religion. Now, since I live abroad, it’s also one of the only times of year I’m home with my family.

2) In my country, Christmas DOES have a significance which goes back before Christianity. It was a Nordic celebration of the turning of the sun, the time when the days began to be longer again and they knew warmth was coming. If you’ve been up here in the winter, you’ll know why the sun was so important… where I live, we’ll get about 3 hours of sunlight a day, further North it doesn’t rise for a while.

And you still see that reflected in the way Norwegians celebrate Christmas – we call it Jul (which sounds like the word for ‘wheel’, as in the wheel of the year turning), we light a lot of candles and hang stars in our windows and on our trees. There’s light everywhere, even though the sky is pitch black. A lot of Norwegian Christmas songs are about lighting candles and lanterns, and a lot of our Christmas traditions focus around them. We bring the evergreen pine tree in to remind us of the summer, and decorate it with lights. There are also certain rituals which have to do with warding off evil creatures of the underworld (which come with darkness). When I was explaining all this to one of my Hindu friends, she commented “It’s like Christmas is Norway’s version of Diwali”, and I thought that was quite accurate. So I celebrate Christmas as Jul, as sun-turn, and as a time to spend with my family.

I don’t really understand why people get offended at being wished “Merry Christmas”, though I accept that it’s a matter of individual preference. I’m not offended if people wish me “Happy Diwali” or “Happy Channukah” or whatever it is they’re celebrating and enjoying – I’ll just return it, and be glad they’re celebrating something that’s important to them. This year, I was part of a Diwali celebration in October and invited a few of my friends over for a Christmas meal a week ago where I showed them some of the Norwegian traditions. Around the table, we had an American Protestant, a Church of England Protestant, a Catholic, two Hare Krishnas, an Atheist who was raised Jewish and myself.

There’s a lot of interfaith and cross-faith and diversity in my life, and I find very little conflict in it. I’ll often be having meals with people who represent every major world religion, and sometimes every continent. I have a lot of friends who attend religious services every Sunday, but none of them the same church/temple (other than the Hare Krishnas). I think it’s wonderful that I can be around people from so many different backgrounds, learn about and share what is special to them and share things from MY background with them. I suppose that makes it really difficult for me to understand that just SEEING that other people are different from you, or having them express something you’re not a part of or don’t agree with, could be cause for offense or conflict. I’m not going to chant Hare Krishna, but I love going to the temple and hearing what people say and discussing the philosophy. If someone invited me to celebrate Channukah, I’d certainly want to do that too – as long as they were aware I was doing it to spend time with them and share their joy, not because I was interested in converting. I’m very comfortably Agnostic and Norwegian, but I love participating in traditions that come from other religions and cultures.
Emmi responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 10:19 am #

I attended a super-Catholic elementary school, a mostly Jewish middle & high school (yay bar/bat mitzvahs! so much fun!) and went to college in Salem, MA and did the trendy Pagan thing for awhile. All of them were fun, but I never had the belief that seems to come so easily to so many people. Now I am a happy atheist, glad for religious people because their spirituality enhances their lives, not interested in participating though. My husband is the same, thankfully.

When I was in therapy, after I got sick and almost died in 2009, I realized I’d had an almost reverse religious experience. You know how sometimes when people get sick and “find god” or whatnot? I went the opposite way – I have zero proof or inclination of the divine, so I count my blessings every day and make every moment count, because as far as I know, this is all I have. Here and now. My therapist said this was more of a Buddhist experience. That’s cool! Buddha’s my homeboy. I have a happy statue of him with my stuffed penguins and a lucky cat. I digress.

I really, really hate Xmas. I had a bad childhood and there aren’t any good memories there to nostalgia back to, the way people seem to love to do. And I really hate this pressure to buy gifts to prove your love. I know that’s not what it’s supposed to be, but that’s how it feels to me. I love buying gifts for my loved ones, I do it a lot. I do it when I feel moved to. Isn’t that worth more than being required to do so? When I find something perfect for (insert friend or relative’s name here), I get so excited that I give it to them right away! Everyone says, “Wait for Xmas.” ARGH WTF NO.

And now that I’m married, and my husband has two families (his parents divorced when he was 2), there is a lot more required gift-giving there. And they’re always asking me what I want. I don’t want anything! Seriously! If I want something, I go out and buy it for my own damn self. I like that! I like working for the things I have, it makes me value them more. The things I want but don’t have are usually improbable (a pony, a private jet, an octopus farm) or expensive (a sleep number bed, a new loveseat for my living room, a DeLorean), which is WHY I DON’T HAVE THEM.

My husband’s families are Lutheran. I went to church with them one Xmas. It was possibly the most joyless event I’ve ever experienced, and it made me so sad Also the pastor was really bad at public speaking, she sounded like an android that was THIS CLOSE to bridging the uncanny valley but just wasn’t making it. But it made them happy for me to go, so I went. Now that I’m immunosuppressed and I shouldn’t be around crowds, I am off the hook. Phew.

We do have to do 4 Xmases, though. My parents, both of his, and the parents of his best friend, who lives too far away to make it home for Xmas. In 2 days. They all have pets. I am deathly allergic. Fun with Benadryl and caffeine. Sigh. Is it 2012 yet? Haha
Rebecca responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 10:37 am #

“I observe some religious traditions, because they feel meaningful, but I don’t do it because of a belief in God….”

There are a lot of people who feel this exact same way about Christmas (as an atheist, I’m one of them), but you seem to imply that’s impossible when you say “Christmas has everything to do with religion.” Sure, its origins are rooted in religion (and even that perspective isn’t necessarily true for everyone). But that doesn’t mean it can’t be celebrated in a non-religious manner, simply for tradition or family togetherness. All it is to me is a traditional means of gathering and sharing.

I think you’re wrong to say that celebrating Christmas – in this day and age when there are so many different types of people celebrating it with so many different ideas of what it means – has everything to do with religion.

And generally, I stick with happy holidays. Although I very recently spent more than six years working at an organization where most of the employees were Jewish, and I got multiple Happy Chanukahs (and happy new years when it wasn’t my new year) every year without ever feeling offended. I don’t really see the point in being offended when someone is simply trying to share their best wishes. Because that’s really what happy anything is all about.
Kate responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 11:35 am #

@Rebecca
Clearly, I’ve touched a nerve with the comment about Christian as a religious holiday! I didn’t mean that you have to feel religious about Christmas to celebrate it– I think I said that too, actually. I meant it is based in religion. So is Chanukah. I don’t have to feel religious to celebrate it, but it’s still a religious holiday.

Maybe I should’ve phrased this idea differently. It seems like we’re getting a little stuck on it. My point was: even if lots and lots of people are reinterpreting Christmas (or any other holiday that isn’t a part of my tradition), it’s still obvious that it’s not my holiday. And the reason is, there’s a religious basis that’s separate from my own.

Also, I think it’s sometimes easy in conversations with people who read blogs like this to imagine that everyone is a feminist or an atheist or has reclaimed a major holiday from an alternative, educated perspective. But I’d also venture a guess that most people, at least in America, and certainly in a lot of other countries, feel very strongly about Christmas being Christian Which is not to say that they are right, and you and other people who are making similar cases are wrong. It’s to say that the basic understanding of Christmas is probably of it as a religious holiday. But whatever. We’d need to collect some statistics and stuff, and I don’t feel like doing it.

Beyond that, I think it’s awesome that people are reinventing holidays and celebrating in their own ways– religiously or not.
Kate responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 11:36 am #

Also, to the people who don’t understand why people are offended by being wished a Merry Christmas– I’ve noticed that usually it’s people who celebrate Christmas who feel this way…Just an observation.
Katie responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 11:47 am #

It’s so interesting to read all the interfaith posts this time of year – the Christmas Dilemma is for real. I’m a former Christian and a not-sure-what-I-am/believe now. May fiancee is a former orthodox Jew and a not-sure-what-I-believe-but-I-know-I’m-Jewish now. It’s good times. We can even connect over the not knowing-ness. The holidays can be hard for us because I feel so very connected to Christmas because of the family memories and time to get together, and I want to be able to share that with her. It’s unfair, but sometimes I want her to be as excited about it as I am. We’re working through that.

As for the Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays bit, being with her has been such a learning experience for me. I wasn’t oblivious to the feelings of people who didn’t celebrate Christmas, but being with someone Jewish has definitely opened my eyes a bit to the feeling of other-ness. I’m much more careful now – I always say Happy Holidays unless someone says Merry Christmas to me first. But honestly, on a personal level, I mourn a bit for the loss of the simple delight of Christmas time. I think it’s kind of selfish on my part because I realize now that our (the majority’s) joyfulness was often at the expense of others, but I miss the innocence of not knowing. Now when I walk into a store that’s all lit up for Christmas and blasting carols, I’m torn between loving it with every fiber of my being and simultaneously wondering who’s feeling put upon by this very merry season that’s not theirs. I think like you said, that struggle is part of what makes our relationships stronger, what shows that we love each other and that we’re working things out. But it’s not easy.

Unlike you and Bear, my fiancee and I have struggled with these religious differences – and really, more the cultural differences – from the beginning. We’ve gone to counseling and an interfaith group, and we still think a lot about how to meet in the middle (or perhaps more to one side than the other).

Anyway, that was long and rambly, but I really appreciate the post. I’m always interested to hear how other couples navigate the interfaith waters.
Kate responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 11:50 am #

@Katie
I think it makes a lot of sense to feel that sense of loss.
For what it’s worth, when I dated people who were committed Christians, I thought their love of Christmas and other parts of their tradition was really nice. It’s fun to see your partner really enjoy something. And Christmas just looks like a lot of fun, even if it’s not fun I necessarily feel compelled to participate in.
Rebecca responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 2:37 pm #

I absolutely never assume that everyone is atheist or feminist. I come from a very conservative background, and most of the people I know are not, in fact, atheist. Nor would I consider most of them feminist. I’m sure you’re right that most people who celebrate Christmas do so as a religious holiday. My only point was that you can’t say that’s always the case.

And I didn’t say I don’t understand why people might be offended by being wished a Merry Christmas. I said I don’t SEE THE POINT in being offended. You can simply correct people (or don’t) and move on. This is why I gave my Happy Chanukah experiences as an example. All of these people I worked with KNEW for a FACT that I wasn’t Jewish, but they still wished me Happy Chanukah every year. And happy new year during Rosh Hashanah. And I chose to accept their happy wishes in the spirit in which they were given. I didn’t see any point in being offended. That’s all I’m saying.

I also don’t think your observation is “just an observation.” But I enjoy your blog. Happy holidays.
Rebecca responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 6:33 pm #

I like the “No one wishes you a ‘Merry Christmas’ in order to be a dick” thought–it’s a good one.

If I know a co-worker/friend/family member’s particular December-holiday-orientation, I will make the effort to wish them joy accordingly–strangers usually get “happy holidays!”, and occasionally I will say “Merry Christmas”.

I do celebrate Christmas, as a Christian, but I also try to be mindful of folks around me who don’t celebrate it. There are so many ways we can offended–in my mind, it’s better, easier, and kinder to let a holiday wish for happiness be just that.

That said, Happy Chanukah to you, lady, and Merry Christmas to your Bear. Hope it is filled with wonder for both of you!
MarieElizabeth responded on 21 Dec 2011 at 10:18 pm #

I’m always interested in people’s response to “Merry Christmas”. If someone came back with another religious or cultural reference wishing me well I would say thank you. What they are doing is sharing what is important to them and hoping I have a wonderful day/week/season. I would not be offended by their offering, because I think it comes from a good place.
Heather responded on 23 Dec 2011 at 2:49 pm #

Ahh! I had commented earlier, and you had responded to me, and I in no way meant to make it sound like you were complaining about your in-laws (I was the one was complaining! because I’m cranky and a little bitter and jealous of you ) I will say though, the one thing that gets me down as someone who’s Jewish in a fairly Christian area (although Houston, TX is much more diverse than other areas of Texas) is that I struggle to find Chanukah candles every year (and inevitably am looking for them midway through. Happy Chanukah to you and Merry Christmas to Bear!
Amy responded on 25 Dec 2011 at 1:52 am #

I work a job where I’m in constant contact with customers. And I’ll be honest…I hate the holiday season sometimes.

I’m a Jew and I always opt for “Happy Holidays”. My reasoning is, I can’t tell by looking at you what, if anything, you celebrate. I live in semi-rural Ohio, so usually by default, it’s some form of Christianity.

For a few days I wore a big, shiny silver Star of David around my neck. Just as an experiment. Quite a few people noticed it and offered no holiday greeting of any kind. Simply saying, “You too.” or something to that effect when I told them to have a nice day.

I also got a few deliberate “Merry Christmas”es from people who I saw look right at my neck. That is just nasty, I think. I think there were a few oblivious ones in there too.

I left off wearing the star because the idea of wearing it in order to identify myself to christians/culture at large was distasteful. It became, not a symbol of my faith or culture, but a way to announce “Oh hey…Jew here.” Bleh. Wearing identifying clothing or marks has never worked well for Jews in the past. I don’t want to go there.

Once I was wished a Merry Christmas. I said “Happy Holidays” and got:

“No…MERRY CHRISTMAS.” Very pointedly. I smiled and said “Thank you. HAPPY HOLIDAYS.” And she left. She wore a button on her lapel that said: “Keep the Christ in Christmas.”

Another time, a man wished me a “Merry Christmas” and I said “Happy Holidays” and he said “MERRY CHRISTMAS” louder as if I were deaf or stupid. I repeated my greeting and he had the gall to say, out loud… “KEEP THE CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS!”

“I’m a Jew, sir, I don’t celebrate Christmas, but I hope you have a happy holiday.”

He looked chagrined and wished me a Happy Chanukkah.

Call me mean, I guess, but I don’t like being wished a Merry Christmas because to me it implies you think your way is best.

Why is “Happy Holidays” so frowned upon? Merry Christmas applies to a certain group of people, whereas Happy Holidays will cover a much larger group.

A good friend of mine said, “Amy, Christmas is secular anyway…it’s about cheer, and family and presents and stuff like that.”

“Then it needs to be called something other than ‘Christ’s Mass’, then maybe I’ll think about it.”

For me to celebrate Christmas, even in its most secular form is going against what I identify as my culture, me. I’m a Jew. And for me, Chanukkah isn’t about miracles (and I actually don’t believe in the supernatural either.)

Chanukkah is about a refusal to assimilate with the prevailing culture.
Tiny Tim responded on 26 Dec 2011 at 6:49 am #

I was interested in your mention that you didn’t believe in God.

Well, if there is no God, then all that stuff in the Bible is just made up by a bunch of Jews…after all, Jews wrote it.

So why by Jewish? Its all made up, according to the atheists.
Eat the Damn Cake » open letter to the camera responded on 22 Mar 2012 at 3:21 pm #

[...] P.P.S. Christmas was great! And during the Christmas meal at Bear’s mom’s house, she invited me to light Chanukah candles and sing the blessing at the table, and everyone seemed into it. Then, at Bear’s dad’s house later that night, we talked about spirituality for a long time and his stepmom gave one of the most compelling and lovely definitions of God/a higher power I’ve ever heard. [...]