Comments on: the thing that marriage doesn’t do

By: Fun for the weekend, 1.20.12 « tiny squared

Fun for the weekend, 1.20.12 « tiny squared — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 17:19:11 +0000

[...] over at Eat the Damn Cake talks about what marriage doesn’t do – namely, it doesn’t solve all your other problems, even if you feel like it should. I [...]

By: Kate

Kate — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 02:55:16 +0000

@Alpana
Thanks for commenting! And please feel free to email me! I want to learn more about life in the Navy.

By: Alpana Trivedi

Alpana Trivedi — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 19:41:37 +0000

Hello, Kate. I’m new to posting here, but I’ve been reading your blog for over a year now. I just wanted to say that I completely agree with you about the “bad egg” syndrome. I have plenty of those days and when people try to pull me out of these bad moods, it makes me angrier. Maybe I just like to feel all my emotions.

In any case, I love your writing and I love the way you put every day life on a microscope. I often think about the same thing and people accuse me of having “too much time on my hands.” Well, for now anyway. I’m in the Navy and at my last command, we were lucky for any free time we got. So at this new command, I’ll take all the free time I can get.

I’d like to send you e-mails every now and then if it’s okay with you.

~Alpana

By: Elena

Elena — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 13:58:51 +0000

Hi Kate!

I guess taking some of what are considered to be important states in life lead us to think we should feel more fulfill, as is we have achieved some kind of final goal that would get us into a definitive state of glee. It happens I guess in those decisive moments: when achieve the position or job you’ve always dreamed of, when you have a child, when your children grow up and go live on their own, when you marry… We expect climbing up to these states would lead to some kind of self-fulfillness, yet somehow it does not. And I guess this is because life is always and only a process. There are no final, no definitive states in life, and your identity is always under construction. And yet we are pushed to look for stability, when I guess there’s not such a thing in life. When one of life’s facets runs smoothly, probably other would be falling apart, causing us to feel anxious.

The only solution I’ve come to be able to think of is to try to live by this idea. To take in the instability and make it yours, a principle you live through. At least it can make you get some peace of mind and stop trying to get everything straight all the time : )

Just sharing some raw thoughts!
Cheers!
Elena

By: Leslie

Leslie — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 22:46:29 +0000

Thank you for sharing this about yourself, Kate. Even though I’d never wish for someone else to feel this way, it is comforting to know others out there do have to deal with this issue like me.
Even at my happiest time in life I still got these deep, dark days. And it’s hard to not feel guilty about feeling this way. I often wonder what is wrong with me and hate to make others around me feel as if my unhappy self is a burden. But I’ve learned through therapy that there is no shame in being depressed no matter how great you perceive your life to be or how wonderful your significant other is. You feel what you feel and feeling shameful about it only makes the it worse.

You may have depressive days, but this also lends you your wonderful qualities too: sensitivity to emotions/people/yourself/ect, creativity, and introversion.

By: Felicity

Felicity — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 02:49:11 +0000

Wow. I know this will really impact on my life. I feel much the same, and it’s refreshing to know there’s someone else!

By: Lynellekw

Lynellekw — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:22:49 +0000

I remember my mother often being unhappy, discontented, frustrated. As an adult I don’t want that to be me. The thing is, when my mother was unhappy she saw the cause as being work, badly-behaved children (sorry Mum), and the general stresses of living in the remote areas we lived in. All of those things were factors, but looking back it seems to me that when she was unhappy that unhappiness came from inside her and was then focused outward on the things that were putting most pressure on her at the time. So what I’ve tried to develop as I grew up is the ability to identify what’s actually making me unhappy – is it the situation I’m in, am I tired, am I hungry, am I just having an out-of-sorts day? And doing that sometimes helps me deal with my mother (and my sister, and one of my brothers who is prone to moody behaviour) – I’m better at figuring out whether they just need a little space, or a rest, or just something to eat! So tense situations become less tense, and I’m better at repairing them when they get out of hand. But it’s important to me to just be able to look inside myself sometimes and say, I just feel BAD. I don’t need to find a reason, I just need to give myself some space to feel better in – whether that’s by calling a friend, reading a book, having a “making stuff” session, or whatever. I just… need to find the head-space to recover a bit, and then I can decide more clearly whether there’s an external issue that I need to address, or whether the BAD feeling is coming from inside.

By: shana

shana — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 17:22:16 +0000

thanks for this, Kate. really great post.

By: Mandy

Mandy — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 17:12:58 +0000

@Kate;

Not to insult your intelligence, but the fact that your brother gets the same thing, with apparently the same symptoms seems a bit telling–have you considered that there may be something physical going on that may be a contributing factor? I’m sure you have, you’re a smart young woman, but…
Just concerned, sweetie. I, too have my moody-broody days, but I don’t remember them ever being as severe as you describe. And mine are mostly related to my monthly cycle, or increased by stress.
In any case, kudos to you for realizing that marriage isn’t a cure-all, it’s a partnership.

Unroast: Today, I am congratulating myself on my great taste and extreme good judgement in choosing to marry my husband. I did GOOOD!

By: Val

Val — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 04:20:27 +0000

The thing is, Kate, you get in a funk sometimes, but you don’t blame HIM for it.

It’s one thing to be moody now and then, but as long as you own it and don’t pin it on some innocent bystander, that’s okay.

It’s just life.

I have a great life too, really. And like you am smart enough to know it.

I told a co-worker some months ago: I felt like crying yesterday for absolutely no reason. I don’t have one problem in the world, couldn’t even really dream one up. Absurd.

He laughed, “Valarie felt like crying.”

I did.

We laughed.

It’s just life. love, Val