people should have friends who aren’t exactly the same age as them
I’m writing this because someone wrote to me the other day and said, “Have you ever written about having friends of different ages? I think you might have, but if you haven’t, maybe you could do that?” I have, on my other blog. But I wanted to do it again, here, anyway.
When I was fourteen, I had a good friend who was eight. She kicked butt. I can’t even begin to describe to you how cool this girl was. We used to dress up together, in queen outfits, and ridiculous jewelry, and then meet in the woods and act surprised.
“Is that you, Queen Sanla? I recognize your purple queen dress.”
“It is I, dragon tamer. Tell me your name, for though I have heard the legends of your talent with the northern dragons, I had only half believed they were real.”
“Brellen Vek. I have made a long journey to reach you. I’m afraid the news is sad.”
I was writing a book, and she was a character in it. I promised to dedicate it to her. When, inevitably, it got published. As it was sure to do, because it was AMAZING.
OK, it wasn’t amazing. It was terrible. Very terrible. The evil character was called “the great evil,” if that gives you an idea.
When I was fifteen, I had a good friend who was eighty.
We met in a writing workshop. Everyone except me was retired. I was working a lot, at the time. She kicked butt. She had traveled the whole world, back in the day, when her husband was a diplomat, before he was assassinated in Lebanon. She spoke a lot of languages, but Russian was her first. Then German, I think. She hated water. She thought it was boring. She much preferred iced tea. She was hilarious, with a dry sense of humor. I try not to think about the fact that she is dead now.
I had a friend who was forty. I had a friend who was fifty-five. I had a little group of women I hung out with, and wrote poetry with. They were all at least twenty-five years older than me.
And, of course, I had plenty of friends my own age, who were fourteen and fifteen and sixteen and seventeen. Some of them seemed to know everything about the world. Some of them weren’t sure.
Because I was homeschooled, sometimes the world worries about my well-being. “But what about socialization?” people have asked me since I could make sounds that resembled words.
“But what about socialization? Can you socialize?”
“Mommy! Twain! Amtwak twain!” (I was obsessed with trains as a toddler.)
Later, when I was a teenager, sometimes I’d be talking to someone for a while, and then suddenly they’d ask, “But what about socialization?”
And I’d say, “It’s happening right now! Check it out!” (But not in a rude voice or anything, because I’m almost compulsively polite. It’s a curse.)
But what really frustrates me is that when concerned citizens want to know about whether or not I had any friends, or if mostly I was just locked in my parents’ basement, sipping gruel and memorizing how to spell “staphylococci,” they’re only asking about friends my own age. And I don’t think anyone should just have friends their own age. It’s much, much more interesting to have friends who you can learn from, because they are whole life stages ahead of you. And friends you can teach, because they’re much younger.
Today I’m meeting up with a friend who’s a famous journalist and author. We met when I interviewed her about her new book, back when I was writing for AOL, maybe a year ago. I want to be more like her. I’d love to have a career that looked even a little bit like hers. And yes, I have some successful writer friends who are in their twenties, and yes, Christopher Paolini got published when he was 18, but in general, it takes a while to get where I want to go. And I want to be around the people who are hustling, struggling, and clawing their way up, like me. And I want to be around the people who have already made it.
A few weeks ago, a friend stayed with us for a couple days. She’s in college. I wasn’t sure how to introduce her, when she met some of my same-age friends. I tutored her for her bat mitzvah, years ago, so I said, “This is my former student.” But really, she’s my friend. I know, such a dark secret. Is there something wrong with the way we feel? Is this…unnatural? What if someone were to discover that we’re actually…friends?
I don’t think friendship needs to have a narrow definition. I don’t think that definition needs to have everything, or anything, to do with age.
I want to be around people of all ages and life experiences, who can tell me about marriage and college and work and having babies and writing books. People who can ask me for advice and people who can give it. I want to have friends who model for me what my life could maybe be like and make me remember what it used to be like. I want to be friends with women who tell me, “I used to worry about my body, too. But then I got over it.” And women who tell me, “It’s always a struggle, honey, but you’re gonna be fine.” I like being told, “You remind me so much of myself, when I was your age.”
I remember the first time someone told me that. I was eight. I was in Hebrew School, in art class. I was drawing a bunch of grapes on tin foil. The teacher thought the grapes were pretty. She said she had been just like me, at that age. I thought, “I could grow up to be an art teacher!” It sounded like a great idea.
I could grow up to be a lot of things. I am a lot of things now. They don’t all fit inside the number of my age. There is more to it.
So watch out– whoever you are– I might want to be friends with you.
(the dragon tamer Brellen Vek and Queen Sanla)
* * *
Do you have friends of different ages? Other differences?
Unroast: Today I love the way I look in a t-shirt and jeans. Back to basics. BOO-YAH. Um. Or something.
Kate on February 22nd 2012 in being different, friendship
Layla responded on 22 Feb 2012 at 1:02 pm #
I have loads of friends of all different ages, some younger than me but some quite a bit older. I have a friend who I met on a writing course who is in her 60s. I love it. I think when you’re out of school/uni you don’t really meet only people who are your own age anymore. I definitely don’t in my job/interests.
By the way, I gave up halfway through the second Eragon book. They were boring, predictable, and read like they’d been written by a teenager. I have no idea why so many people like them.
Frankie responded on 22 Feb 2012 at 1:03 pm #
Loved this post/topic. I love having friends who are different ages from me. It’s much more fun, but sometimes introductions can be really tricky, as was the case for your introducing your student/friend.
I am always awkward at introductions but once I was introducing my friend who I met through my sister, to my boyfriend. I said “This is my sister’s friend, Jessi.” She turned to me and said, ” Can you stop introducing me as Cassie’s friend? I’m your friend too.” She was right, but I always felt the need to categorize her as my sister, Cassie’s friend, even though she and I have a relationship completely seperate from the one I have with my sister. I find it strange that I have this need to categorize people.
Also, I’m curious, does it feel weirder to introduce friends that are younger than you as “friend” or significantly older, as “friend”? And we both should keep our mind open to the possibility of saying, “This is Jon,” instead of “This is my boyfriend, Jon.” Because do introductions really always require you to define your relationship with the people your introducing?
San D responded on 22 Feb 2012 at 1:15 pm #
I too have friends at different ages. Although most are my own age, I have dear friends who were students of mine in the past. One in particular has been my theater companion since I met him as a freshmen, and he declared he was going to be a Broadway Director. I asked him how many Broadway shows he had seen, and he hadn’t, so 18 years later we are still going to Broadway shows together, and while he isn’t a Broadway Director, he has worked off Broadway and is presently assistant directing at George Street working closely with Jack Klugman. He, too, wondered at 25, since he was a genius, why he wasn’t famous or at least directing somewhere. He has found out the “arts” are a combination of serendipity, luck, talent and hard work, or as Pasteur once said “Chance favors the prepared mind”. He has taken different routes these years, including writing a blog on rereleased classic albums and owning his own business, but he has always maintained his connection to the theater. He has come to realize that living a good life, helping people out, being a good person, and working hard is something to be proud of in itself, and that fame isn’t always meant to be.
Melanie responded on 22 Feb 2012 at 2:28 pm #
My group of friends goes from early 20s, to people in their 70s. They are very economically and politically diverse. I think surrounding yourself with “like” is a product of insecurity. You need that base structure to prove that what you are doing in life is right. If you are comfortable with who you are, you are more likely to branch out and be friends with the “unlike.” I don’t know what I’d do without having people from all walks of life around me.
Iris responded on 22 Feb 2012 at 2:59 pm #
I’m in university right now, in the second year of my undergraduate degree, and have an amazing friend who I tend to bring up in conversation with my other friends a lot because we do awesome things together which often turn into anecdotes (like having exciting escapades at alternative music nights, or spending an evening inventing cocktails, or traveling to Uganda). Inevitably, at some point, I’ll get the question “so wait, what’s she studying?” – and then I have to explain that she’s not, she’s actually a post-doc with a PhD in Medical Anthropology who works in the Anthropology department (where I study). She’s friends with a lot of my lecturers, and has a husband and is hoping to have a child soon. She’s just applied for a lectureship at another university, which both makes me really excited (it’s her dream job!) and sad (she might not be here for my third year).
People get really confused when they realize I’ve got a good friend who’s an adult and works in the department. I don’t really see why – I love having a friend who knows so much about the things I’m interested in. It’s just what you said about friends you can learn from – they’re seriously underrated! Also, she’s just an all-round epic person. Why wouldn’t I be her friend?
Down with age discrimination in friendship!
Raia responded on 22 Feb 2012 at 3:26 pm #
I agree! When I first graduated college and moved 3,000 miles away from my home, family and friends it was really hard to find friends inmy new place. My mother suggested I join a gym or a church, and I picked church because it was cheaper. And at the church I picked, I met a group of women in their 40s, 50s and 60s (I was 23 at the time) and we were great friends. We’d go out for margaritas and to Mardi Gras parades and they’d invite me to their dinner clubs and it was really fun. What we had in common was that we were unmarried and wanted to have fun, so we did. I learned how to be a good (southern) hostess and to take things in stride and that having some fun never gets old : ). They were also strong role models for dealing with the death of a spouse, getting through a divorce and living a fun, unmarried with no kids life. It can be difficult to make friends of different ages but totally worth it!
Lynellekw responded on 22 Feb 2012 at 4:43 pm #
I was never very good at socialising with girls my own age. I was better at socialising with boys, but then when I approached teenage years they stopped wanting to be friends with me. So a lot of the time my friends were older or younger than me. I like having friends of different ages, too. I think it makes us better people.
Maggie responded on 22 Feb 2012 at 6:58 pm #
My best friend is 29, and I am 14. The age difference is certainly uncommon, but we get along fabulously. She is older and wiser, and I keep her young.
She is married and wants to have a kid soon, whilst I’m a freshman in high school.
It’s quite nice to have somebody operating in wholly different world from yours; I’m caught up in high school and she’s caught up in the world of being a freelance writer and being married and that sort of delightful thing.
I love having older friends.
Hannah responded on 22 Feb 2012 at 7:15 pm #
It’s weird how we tend to be wary of the word ‘friend’ with people of other ages.
I teach Hebrew school, and I stayed at the home of a fellow teacher over break (so that I could keep teaching even though the dorms were closed for vacation), and she’s basically twice my age— I ran into such label issues. I tried ‘host’, ‘coworker’, ‘fellow teacher’, ‘mentor’ and ‘roommate’ before I got fed up with how dumb I was being and finally started using ‘friend’…. Because we are, but for some reason I had a lot of trouble saying it.
But at the same time, I don’t like how it’s so easy to use the word ‘friend’ for someone of your own peer group, even when the word ‘classmate’ or ‘acquaintance’ or ‘fellow student’ might be more appropriate.
I wonder why we don’t all just use ‘friend’ for our friends and not for our not-friends. No matter what age they (or we) are.
Raven responded on 22 Feb 2012 at 7:22 pm #
Great post, great picture of two loving friends!
I was always the “odd ball” who made friends with my teachers, who spent more time chatting with the DJ at the dance, than dancing with my peers, and who still has more fun at family gatherings playing with the kids or talking to my eldest aunt, than sitting around pretending to be a serious adult with the rest of them.
My best friend is ten years older than me. My daughter, who is 11, and my mother, who is in her 50′s, both think of me as their best friend. I’m with you all the way, Kate. I don’t believe friends and socialization only happens within the narrow view of those who share my birth year.
Although lately, I’m starting to recognize in my daughter, a need for her to find another girl going through the beginnings of puberty with whom she can share the experience. It’s one thing to hear it from the women around her who’ve survived it, it’s another to have someone to whom she can say, “Oh yeah, that’s happening to me, too.” For some things, it helps to have a near-aged friend. Not all her friends, but one or two. ^_^
And she talks to the DJs at the dances we attend. Ha!
Liz responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 1:21 am #
Yay! I sometimes think I’m the only former homeschooler who never had trouble socializing – but somehow missed the boat where you’re supposed to only socialize with your peers and act all cool and morose with the oldies and the young’uns lol
I have tons of friends who are old enough to be my mother. And, listen, world, when my own mother died when I was young, those friends saved me from the insane asylum.
Even now, when people ask if I have a best friend, the first person to pop into my head is my aunt. Is that weird? I DO have friends my own age, courtesy of going to a university, but sometimes… they’re boring!
zoe (and the beatles) responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 2:38 am #
YES! yesyesyeeesssss!
i think about this all the time! i connect really well with older people. it’s like i want to leech the wisdom out of them (which sounds awful and creepy but i don’t mean it that way). a lot of my friends are not my age. some are younger, some are older, some are my age. regardless, i think a lot can be learned from older people because, like you said, they’re in different life stages and no matter how much we like to think we’re experiencing new young people problems, we’re generally not (way too many pronouns there). older people have been there and if we youngsters realize that we can, actually, learn from our elders life might be a little less rocky. additionally, you can learn a lot from kids too, go over things you might have missed when their age. better yet, you can learn something entirely new! kids are flippin’ smart, too.
(your posts always get me in a ramblin’ mood)
Lynn responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 8:39 am #
YESYESYES!!! Working in theatre, I have friends ranging from teenagers to seniors, one of my oldest and dearest friends is 25 years older than me. I love what we all learn from each other
Monica Kelly responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 10:18 am #
The subject of multi-generational friendship reminded of the reason I moved off campus after one year in college. It felt so odd to see only my own generation. No children, no sept-, and octogenarians! Completely unnatural.
Off topic: I keep musing about the post you wrote describing your manuscript that included a description of making a grill cheese. You wrote that some found this boring. BUT, what about “Like Water for Chocolate”? [And many more books whose titles I cannot remember.]
When I read the “Girl with the Dragon Tatoo” series I was inspired by descriptions of sandwiches she made for herself. Particularly since I haven’t had any exposure to Nordic/Scandanavian cuisine. Every day home cooked are often far more interesting than the resturaunt fare.
I do have an interest in female body issues. But I would read your site anyway. Your writing is interesting, and conversational, regardlessof topic. I am sure you have great stories inside just waiting to take wing.
Monica
melissa responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 12:10 pm #
a few of the people we spend time with as of late are still in their early twenties. I mean, me turning 27 this year it’s not much of an age difference but it really IS a huge difference in attitude I think. We’re all so… idealistic before the age of 25!
It is kind of awkward sometimes, our friends always protesting this and that, taking on vegan lifestyles and taking on a lot of unneeded stress because they want to save the entire world… it makes me feel like a coldhearted lazy person sometimes, lol.
I would probably have a close friendship with my aunt if she still lived here. It’s funny, my cousin and I were once inseparable, then the struggles of teenage years hit and we refused to abandon childhood. Then the dynamic just… flat out changed and suddenly I was ringing the house to speak to her mum instead. Age brings many changes that I just never expect…
Elizabeth responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 12:24 pm #
In fifth grade one of my two best friends was in third grade, which seemed like a huge age difference at the time. For the last couple of years, I’ve been volunteering at a small private school, and that’s really expanded the age range of my friendships–I have what I’d consider genuine friendships with several of the students, including a 15-year-old, a 10-year-old, and a couple of 7-year-olds, and also a few staff members in their 50s. I wish I had a few elderly friends–I really like talking to older people, but don’t know many other than my own relatives.
Kate responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 12:26 pm #
I am LOVING these stories!
BrokeElizabeth responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 1:22 pm #
I love having friends of all ages… People my age (20) can be so incredibly boring. ‘What are you studying? Why? Do you like it? Where are you from?’… end of conversation. Blech.
Sooz responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 1:44 pm #
I don’t like the word friends. Too much pressure. But I AM friendly with people of all different ages. My grandma was one of my best friends. We did lots together. And I have friends now who are younger and older and close to my age. I really like this post b/c it speaks volumes about how silly limitations (like age) are in the face of awesome relationships. Keep up the good work my FRIEND!!!!!
Kate responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 4:05 pm #
@Monica
Thanks!
I actually haven’t read “Like Water for Chocolate,” but I want to check it out now!
Kate responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 4:06 pm #
@Frankie
Yeah, I think it feels weirder to introduce younger, rather than older, people as friends. Interesting. You’re making me think…Why is that? Maybe it’s more shameful to want to be around younger people, while people might understand more easily why you would want to be around an older person (to learn from them, get connections from them, etc). Maybe older friends make more sense for your self-interest?
Alpana Trivedi responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 6:09 pm #
Hello, Kate. It’s funny how people talk about “socialization” and have such a narrow definition of it. I mean, then those same people wonder why we treat our elderly like they’re burdensome by sticking them in nursing homes. If inter-generational bonding were encouraged and seen as natural, maybe we would ALL learn something and teach something.
And while we’re on the subject, how’d you like to be friends with a 31-year-old sailor who still doesn’t know what she wants to be “when I grow up?” Heck, does ANYONE grow up anymore? LOL Anyway, I love the post.
Susannah responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 9:24 pm #
Oh, this is so timely!! Thankyou. We are thinking of embarking on a round the country trip where my husband will work as a locum and I will homeschool the kids. I use the term loosely as I think what I am planning is more unschooling. We are so excited.by the prospect but so many people are terrified, apparently, about how it will irreparably damage our darlings. ‘but what about the 7 year old! She will miss out on important opportunities to learn social skills!’
Now, apart from the fact that I am quite sure we will encounter other seven year old girls along the way – I do intend on getting the kids out of the house, y’all- I am quite pleased to.think that she will have the chance to meet all sorts of people on our grand adventure (and not to mention that a lot of the social skills she seems to be learning at school closely resemble Mean Girls…but that’s another story!)
Love your blog. If my spirited, awesome funky girl grows up to be half as cool as you I will be very happy!
Kate responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 9:47 pm #
@Sooz and Alpana
Thanks, friends!!
Kate responded on 23 Feb 2012 at 9:50 pm #
@Susannah
Sounds like you’re going to have the time of your lives!! What a fabulous adventure for your daughter. Don’t listen to the people who are too scared to think differently. Enjoy yourself instead. I can’t wait to hear how it goes!
(And your daughter is probably already really cool–hooray for being spirited!)
Friday Favorites | To Be Frank responded on 24 Feb 2012 at 1:14 pm #
[...] admire this gal a bunch for like everything she writes, but particularly enjoyed her post about friends of different [...]
Frankie responded on 24 Feb 2012 at 3:00 pm #
Yeah! I’m not really sure why it is that way, but it is! You’re reasons make sense but I think there’s probably more to it than that. I think it also depends who you’re introducing them to as well. It’s definitely an interesting thing to think about.
Anyhoot, I loved this post so I linked to it today
Kate responded on 24 Feb 2012 at 3:01 pm #
@Frankie
Thank you for linking to me!!
Rose responded on 24 Feb 2012 at 3:10 pm #
I am sixteen (and homeschooled) and the ages of my best friends are the following: 16, 16, 12, 39 and 43. They are all the coolest ladies out there, and I love them to pieces. I don’t like hanging out with most people my age.
Rose responded on 24 Feb 2012 at 3:12 pm #
By the way, here is a hilarious video about homeschoolers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJHt-m3VX6o
Kimmy Sue Ruby Lou responded on 24 Feb 2012 at 3:42 pm #
i am so grateful to have you in my life, as it were…
Liz E responded on 24 Feb 2012 at 6:02 pm #
I will turn 60 this year. I have been reading your blog for quite a while. I love your writing and your sense of humor. I just wish that the body issues would not follow us through out our lives! I thought that when I became a grandmother I would have out lived all of that pressure. Instead it seems to still be there. The big print that shouts can you believe that this woman is really 50 or 60 or whatever. When did it become so wrong to look your age? I have friends that range from 72 to 20. I cherish them all. Diversity improves our lives.
Deb responded on 24 Feb 2012 at 7:20 pm #
As someone who has been your (older) friend for years — and the I must admit it’s the first time Carly Simon “your so vain” could apply to me–I want to affirm your post. It’s important to have friends who are at different stages in their lives. Puts things into perspective.
Liz Rebecca responded on 26 Feb 2012 at 2:42 pm #
Kate! This resounds so much with what I’m living right now. I’m currently on a Fulbright Fellowship in Costa Rica…a country where I came without knowing anyone. And for the first time in my life I have friends of all ages and it’s amazing! I have traveled around the country with an awesome couple in their 40s and 50s. My next door neighbor is a great friend and she’s a 60 year old hippy. I often go on nature adventures or out for a drink with a 36 year old accountant and her co-workers. And I’ve been out with a bunch of college kids that I train for Model UN competitions. I actually have more friends of different ages here in Costa Rica than my own (I’m 23). It’s exciting and amazing…in general I feel like we should have friends who improve us, no matter the age!
Thanks for posting this! P.S. I still think we’re the same person…your post about things you do when you feel bad for yourself painfully resembles my own routine! Gave me a good laugh at myself.
Dawn responded on 27 Feb 2012 at 3:25 am #
My Best Friend Jadyn (that’s how I always refer to her…kind of like a title) is 10 years old. I was 37 when she was born. She leaves beautiful pictures and notes hidden on my computer for me to find later because she is more techno savvy than I’ll ever be. She is awesome.
Jess responded on 27 Feb 2012 at 5:16 pm #
I LOVE having friends of different ages. My oldest friends are probably in their 40s (actually, one is turning 50 soon) and the youngest, 18. I’m 25. I have friends my own age too, but my whole life I loved having friends who were older or younger than me (back when a year or two was a big deal!) and now is no exception.
Alicia Cumming responded on 28 Feb 2012 at 11:45 pm #
I read this post with great interest-as I too was one who took pride in my “older woman friends”. Most too were just older women who shared their wisdom and were a listening ear over coffee or while waiting for people to stroll in (one owned a used book store). However-I learned that middle-aged women, the ones of the telephone and visits at home to chat over wine for hours over deeply personal things–Oprah would be proud, have expectations–expectations that you give them emotional support on a regular basis, and assume that you would do the same. From this I had the notion that friendships were like therapy sessions—which apparently isn’t true, or shouldn’t be true, according to social convention of…I guess women in their 20s, but women in their 50s would be like, this is what friends are for! I love helping others, but this expectation and this sharing that you yourself inevitably do (despite how doing this would make me feel uncomfortably vulnerable) in this culture of expected oversharing among middle aged women is just something I-and many out there-cannot navigate or deal with well.