Comments on: putting down the gun

By: ayana

ayana — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 15:08:59 +0000

i’m 4 ft 11ich…100 pounds…but that didn’t stop my ex from ogling other girls in front of me,not to mention commenting on their phyisicality..yet never complimenting my looks…so anyone who thinks being cute & petite.will bring nothing but respect & admiration…think again. men like so many different things. don’t compare yourself.

By: Beth {Southern Bluestocking}

Beth {Southern Bluestocking} — Sun, 22 Jul 2012 02:54:04 +0000

Loved this post. Seriously. I’ve been reading your blog for more than a year, I always find that you extend or challenge my thinking, but this was especially insightful.

By: Cat

Cat — Sun, 15 Jul 2012 01:26:11 +0000

The last two lines of your post –about setting down the gun– are two of the most inspiring sentences that I’ve read in a long time. Keep up the great writing!

By: Ceci

Ceci — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 04:59:21 +0000

This post really is how I feel sometimes. Beauty is a competition and I’m already the loser no matter how hard I try. I really started to feel this way in my mid twenties and being single. I saw how easy it was for pretty girls to get guys attention without even trying. I keep thinking if my breasts were bigger, I was taller, had nicer skin I would get a boyfriend with no problem. One guy even told me the story about how many men would hit on his legally deaf beautiful friend and no one picked up on her strange manners or awkward gestures in attempts to tell the men she is deaf. This just shows how personality and communication are not what men want, looks is most important. However, I don’t treat pretty people any differently that others.

There are pretty people I know and I like them because they are nice. But in the back of my mind, I know they have won the beauty competition over me. And although I don’t treat people differently on looks, it’s hard not to have some resentment because many people will be nicer to those who are more beautiful-especially men.

By: Gemma from NZ

Gemma from NZ — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 04:48:05 +0000

God I love that line “it turns out that I am not in competition with every other woman in the world”

This is exactly how I feel all the time, comparing other womans thighs with my own etc etc, if I don’t win at pretty stakes I find another way e.g. funnier, smarter, nicer.

Why do we do this?

By: jessica

jessica — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 01:17:56 +0000

I find that I compete more when my husband is around. If he’s with me, I find myself constantly looking around trying to see who is better looking than me…I wish I were exaggerating. I want him to think I’m the best sooo badly. When I’m by myself? It’s a completely different story.

I keep retreading the last two parts of your post. Thank you.

By: Patricia

Patricia — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 23:43:11 +0000

In defense of Bill and the young man, the reason he refered to you as Kate is that to him you were actually a real person, not just a collection of body parts…I bet he did not know any of those girls names and had no other way to reference them.

By: Rachel SV

Rachel SV — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 19:19:55 +0000

Thank you for this. I feel so many of these feelings all of the time, and I want to stop, too. Thank you – this is wonderful.

By: Caroline

Caroline — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 15:26:06 +0000

Yes! I am so glad to have inspired this post. I really think that’s been one of the key parts of my journey, stopping the comparison cycle. Let’s lift each other up!

By: Rosanne

Rosanne — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 11:24:25 +0000

Yesterday, shortly after reading this post, I found myself having an unroast-moment while doing a short yoga practice. As I changed poses I caught my reflection in a large frame and before I was even conscious of it, I thought: wow, my legs look strong! Shortly after, I tried my very best not to fall over in tree pose and when I succeeded (whoo!!), looking straight at the reflection in the frame, I put my hands over my head, a smile came on my face and I was honestly amazed at how strong and tall my entire body looked. I felt good.

It felt good, because I tend to feel big rather than tall (I come in at about 6’3″ and I’m curvy). Of course I’m aware that I am tall, it’s only that in comparison to other people, other women, I often appear big. Add to that the words other people have used to describe my appearance (huge, giant etc.) and you’ve got a girl who can be quite uncomfortable with being ‘big’.

Thankfully, over the years I have become much, much more comfortable in my skin and since I figured out what kind of moving/exercise works for me (mostly yoga and riding a bike everywhere) I have been increasingly able to see my body as strong, capable of supporting me, and tall. My legs are heavy (thanks dad’s genes!) but they much more than ‘wobbly’ and ‘too wide’. Changing my views on bodies, my own and those of others, has been such a relief! Less stress and doubt, more appreciation, time and energy for things that are more valuable than being down on the way you and others look.

Reading this blog, all the excellent contributions by commenters and guest bloggers has been wonderful and inspiring. I’ll be 27 later this month and what I mentioned above does not mean that I feel my body is a temple and it’s oh so wonderful all the time. Far from it. But hearing from everyone participating in this blog, all ages and stories included, and looking at my mom (who’s 57), I generally feel it’s ok. We all seem to feel similar about these things, recognizing more in each other’s stories than we can’t understand. So I say a big fat YES to less comparing, less judging of bodies.

Thank you for being so open and honest in your way, Kate. I’ve been reading ETDC for a few weeks and have hereby made my first (much longer than anticipated) contribution to a blog, ever.

Love from Amsterdam, NL