What a weird day. I am a homeowner now. Just like that. I mean, five million legal documents later. I think I signed something that said that the NY State government is permitted to remove one of my limbs for every year that I forget to replace the carbon monoxide detector.
There were so many people in the room. Lawyers and couriers and I think someone involved with the bank. At some point I said “badass!” about something and got a curious look and thought that I sounded like a teenager and I needed to get a grip.
At some point I asked the lawyers if in a hundred years all of this would be reduced to a single eyeball scan. They said,”Yes,” instantly. So good for you, future generations! Enjoy it.
Bear’s knee was brushing against mine, and for some reason, it felt like a first date. I was so excited and nervous and I couldn’t get over how sexy he looks in his driver’s license photo, which they needed to scan for the records. Sexy in this dazed, shaggy-haired, sunburned way. A kind of confused farm boy from somewhere south of here. The man next to me in the professional pale blue button down shirt still has the same innocent face, but the long hair has since been carefully cut and there is something directed about him. Bear was only twenty or so when the picture was taken. It makes me want to go back in time and do things to him.
We signed things until we owned them.
I bought a bunch of paint samples and some foam brushes and went into the new, empty apartment. I put hot pink swaths on the wall. And different shades of gold and different shades of white. I couldn’t decide at all at first, and then suddenly, I picked colors, bam bam bam! Done! And then I had nothing to do, so I sat down on the floor with my back against the scuffed wall across from the painted one, and I just stared into space for a long time.
(I want one of my walls to be this color. I don’t know why. I just really want it. source)
This is mine, I thought.
But I didn’t really believe it.
I have never owned a place before. Never been in a place where someone couldn’t just walk in. The super walked in on me naked in my first rental. He had two guys with him. They were there to check the gas line behind the stove. No one told me they would.
He stood there for a long moment and then he said, “OK, we’ll wait outside while you get dressed.”
And they did. And then the four of us stood in the cramped space as they pulled the flimsy oven away from the yellow grease-spotted wall.
I sat on the floor of the empty place that is now my home, and I tried to imagine myself, later, in it. Me, holding a baby.
Nope. Can’t really picture it.
Me, with a copy of a published book, my name on the cover. Nice. I guess that could happen here. Maybe. Could it? How long will I be here?
I feel like I just got married to this city.
* * *
Unroast: Today I love the way I look in bright yellow. People always told me that yellow is a bad color for most of us. So I want to wear it more. It’s so happy.
This is the coolest thing ever. A reader named Tyler Feder just sent me this:
It’s me! She drew it! It’s amazing!! (She made my arms thinner than they actually are, but I think I can forgive her somehow..)
And she has a new Etsy shop that I am of course delighted to share with you. It’s called Roaring Softly.
Her unroast for today is: I love the way I feel when my usually grumpy cat nestles into my lap, unprovoked
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