stop judging my diamond ring, I already know I’m a bad rebel

I lost my engagement ring. I mean, really lost it. I haven’t seen it in a month, maybe more. I wish I was a robot and I could check my memory chip and replay all of my thoughts and actions, because then I would know exactly what happened, and I would also experience those amazing tortillas we got all over again. But maybe robots don’t like melted cheese as much as I do?

Focus.

I looked under everything with a flashlight. My dad blamed the cat, but she maintains her innocence. I looked under everything again, with a different flashlight that seemed a little brighter. It was gross under everything and I didn’t want to reach in there, but I’m pretty sure there was no ring.

And I’m probably not supposed to say this, but I don’t miss it.

And at the same time, I definitely want it back.

And while I’m talking about my ring, I should say that I’m defensive only because people keep writing these pieces about how stupid it is to have a diamond engagement ring. How wasteful and bad and selfish and outmoded and generally super duper hugely lame. And also, you’re a bad feminist if you have one.

I didn’t want to get a diamond ring, for the record. Not originally. I wanted citrine. I love the color. I wanted a quirky, graceful citrine ring. And then my mom and I talked about it a lot and she had all these very strong opinions and I didn’t, which is often how it goes and the reason why there were so many cheese platters at my wedding. And she basically twisted my arm until I squealed, “Okay! Okay, woman! I’ll have a friggin’ diamond, for the love of god!”

(here they look a little like lozenges, truth be told. source)

I mean, sort of. It wasn’t exactly like that.

My mom didn’t have a diamond engagement ring. She got married in a bit of a hurry when she was nineteen, and she wore a floral print dress and my dad wore a bright yellow suit with brown lapels that his dad told him was absolutely, seriously stylish. Listening to your parents runs in my family, I guess.

 

My mom said I should get a diamond because it looks like an engagement ring. Because it tells the world that you’re engaged, and because, she said, I’d want the world to know. Also, a diamond is valuable and I could pass it down to my children one day, and it would become a family heirloom. Which is, you know, a little hard to imagine when you’re twenty-three and loath family reunions because they feel so inexplicably oppressive and mysteriously exhausting (even though everyone is probably fine).

Bear and I chose my ring together, online. We are not known for our flair for the romantic. It’s the standard one: a round solitaire diamond with a gold band.

My mom was right—I was glad. I liked that it said so plainly, “I’m engaged!” And strangely, I liked that it wasn’t my style. It was just engagement style. And even though engagement didn’t feel that different except that it was better than when I wasn’t engaged because I felt that I had officially claimed the best man in the world, something had changed. I’d changed. I had added something, and it had become a part of every outfit and every day.

I don’t wear it much anymore. I mean, I wasn’t wearing it much before I lost it. Now I have a wedding band, and that says what I want the second finger of my left hand to say, and the diamond feels excessive. The diamond feels like a special occasion, the wedding band feels pleasantly mundane.

But all the same, I get annoyed and huffy when someone talks about how ridiculous diamond rings are. How we should all be past this. How it’s sexist. It’s uncool. It’s a cliché. It’s too expensive to be justified.

My wedding gown was also all of those things, except the last one (wedding gown warehouse sale!). Big and fluffy and white and possibly glittering slightly, I can’t actually remember, but there were definitely petticoats. It was almost exactly what Disney would’ve come up with, and then he would’ve lopped off most of my nose, like my plastic surgeon flagrantly  failed to do, and tied a giant pink bow around my waist—ta da! She’s beautiful!

Oh, but whatever. I wasn’t just me that day, I was Bride. I liked being her and me at the same time. Regular me would never wear that, but I sort of wished I could anyway.

The world is full of people who yell at you to be all or nothing, even as none of us can be that way. Pious people are just constantly sinning because there are too many potential ways to sin.

(can something that tastes so good really be so wrong? source)

There are so many ways to fail all of your little communities and accidentally ostracize yourself. It’s that feeling I get when I go out with a Jew who’s more ritually observant than I am, and I order a bacon cheeseburger, and they avert their eyes politely, and for a moment there’s this chill that settles, and it’s like, “Oh. Well, I thought you were serious about Judaism. I guess I was wrong.” Or maybe I’m reading into that too much and it’s more like, “Maybe we’re not so alike after all. Am I also remembering that you like Picard more than Kirk? I should have known…” Or maybe I have no idea what it’s like, really, but I just know it feels slightly shameful and then I feel slightly defensive and I want to say something about how I’m plenty Jewish, and that thing about the bacon cheeseburger was never in the Torah, anyway, because back then no one had ever heard of a cheeseburger or even a regular burger, and it’s a random rule in a litany of other random rules and I pay attention to some of the other ones, but let’s not pretend it’s not all totally arbitrary when you get down to it.

There are so many things to feel slightly shameful about.

I am not sure if it’s not cool that I cook dinner for Bear so many nights, or if that’s cool now. I think it would be considered cool if he cooked, too, but he doesn’t. Does it count that he wants to, but he works too late? Or that I’d be the one cooking, even if he’s home earlier, because I like it so much?

I try not to use a lot of chemicals these days, but then I just go ahead and put regular deodorant on because oh my god, I STINK when I use the natural one. I know my armpits are going to get cancer, but it seems more polite.

I am not radical enough about anything.

I am never very much of a rebel.

I didn’t go to school, but I’m not exactly out on the front lines, battling to change education. Once I was on a radio show to talk about unschooling, and it was me and all of these education reformers and authors. The host asked me why I thought education was completely broken, and I was like, “Um, do I think that? I don’t know. Sometimes I think that. But it depends on where, and who, and…” I trailed off uncertainly. Unschooling was my life, but that doesn’t make it my life’s work.

I usually recycle, but I sometimes just throw a carton into the garbage because the can is like one foot closer to me than the recycling is.

I am not a pure artist—I want people to pay me for my writing, and I have written countless pieces that weren’t as smart as they would’ve been otherwise because I let people edit them to fit some bland idea of what some bland audience wanted to read. And I am proud of those pieces, because they are a part of my scrappy little career. Someone from college once called me a sellout.

I get the impression that consistent rebellion is in. That, as a young person, I should personalize everything, and take it back, and own it, and make it truly mine, and reclaim it. Sex, marriage, career, rings, bicycles, food, art, hats, religion, furniture, the city, shoes, and eventually motherhood. I should find a way to express my specific brand of rebelliousness and conscientiousness in each area. I should DIY all the time. I should think all of the remnants of the old, corporate, oppressive system are stupid.

(source)

I should never have gotten a diamond ring or had a big white wedding. Maybe I shouldn’t even have gotten married, actually. Especially not so young.

Honestly, I love small, non-white weddings. I love creative engagement rings. I am impressed with the people who customize everything in their lives, and I not-so-secretly wish that all of my drinking glasses were mason jars, because it looks cooler. I even like those blocky, vintage bikes. Proceed, long-haired, dress-wearing, round-glasses-sporting, hipster-beautiful women on your clunky bikes! Lead us into the future!

(oh wow…even better…source)

I am no threat to you, I swear, here in my marital apartment, actually wearing an apron as I cook yet another dinner in which some but not all of the vegetables swear to god they are from the secret local organic farms that NYC must be hiding all around its crumbling borders, maybe at the faraway edge of Queens. I am not wearing my diamond ring, because I almost never do, and because I lost it, but one day you may see me in it again, and I won’t be sorry about selling out, and I will attempt to swallow the slight shame that sometimes creeps up. There are better things to think about.

Bear wasn’t here for our second wedding anniversary. He was on a business trip, being all tragic and sending me a lot of woeful emails about how he’d make everything up to me later even though we both know we’re bad at celebrating. My mom came in to hang out with me that day, and we went to Ikea, to return some wooden slats that didn’t fit the bedframe and buy more standard-issue drinking glasses. I wore the ring that Bear had given me before he left.  It is citrine, and it glows amber when the light hits it. I wear it on my right hand, and the wedding band on my left, and I like that look a lot.

I’m not a good rebel, but I am increasingly better at being myself, and maybe there’s something rebellious in the end about admitting to liking what you like, and being conventional and boring and weird and fascinating all at the same time. Or maybe it has nothing to do with rebellion at all, and that’s fine. Still, if I could get married all over again, I think I’d wear the same dress, but I’d get a buzz cut the day before. Not so much to be original– more to just be me.

*   *   *

Anyone else with a diamond engagement ring? A totally non-traditional engagement ring? Why did you do it?

Unroast: Today I love the way I feel when I look at a lot of water. Like if I had a boat I could discover the whole world.

P.S. Is there any natural deodorant that actually works?? Does anyone know?

 

79 Comments »

Kate on October 25th 2012 in being different, life, wedding

79 Responses to “stop judging my diamond ring, I already know I’m a bad rebel”

  1. lik_11 responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:23 pm #

    I did not get an engagement ring, but my husband bought me a diamond ring for my 30th bday. (We’d been married about 1.5 years). I wear it beside my wedding ring, but “closer to my heart” (opposite how it’s “supposed” to be- according to friends). It is shaped like a flower, with a 1 carat diamond in the middle, surrounded by 10 green sapphires. He had it custom made for me- and I LOVE it. I’ve never seen anything like it- and get a lot of random comments on it from strangers. Although my wedding ring has a really endearing enscription on the inside- I wouldn’t fall apart emotionally if I lost it. If I lost the flower ring- I would cry for days….not because of the diamond- but because it is so “me”!
    As for not being enough of a rebel- I feel the same way. Growing up, I thought I would be this tough, liberal feminist. I’m not. I struggle to find a cause…
    PS- I love that you got your citrine ring. Good job, Bear.

  2. Sarah S responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:23 pm #

    Sometimes rebelling just isn’t worth the fight. It’s exhausting, in fact. Better to just be you, whatever that is, and accept it (I’m working on it myself) — quirks, conventions, and all.

  3. Melanie responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:24 pm #

    This goes back to my belief that what’s right for me, isn’t right for everyone else. If you don’t want a diamond wedding ring, by all means, don’t get one. But don’t ostracize women who love theirs. I think the main thing wrong with the world is this whole, “Oh, you can’t be a feminist if you blah blah blah.” That’s such bullshit. I am a feminist. I will buy myself an engagement ring for my 40th birthday because I think they are pretty. I will never tell someone else, “You have to do _____ to live the right way.” That stuff infuriates me. How about we all try and be good people and mind our own business, instead of spending so much time worrying about what everyone else is doing? That would be awesome.

    I love you Kate. And if you want a get a new engagement ring, get one. And don’t feel guilty for one second for wanting a diamond, or whatever else kind of ring you might want.

    If you just want a deodorant, Tom’s of Maine works pretty well. There are no natural anti-perspirants that really work though. I have a sweat problem because of my anxiety disorder and have to use a prescription on occasion. Yucko. :)

  4. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:25 pm #

    @lik_11
    OK, that ring sounds GORGEOUS!!! I want to see it now.
    My dad gave my mom a diamond for their 10th anniversary or something, and now she wears that. Who cares when you get the stuff that feels special, or what it’s made out of? As long as you love it :-)

  5. zoe responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:26 pm #

    yes! what’s with this constant need to prove? like, saying or doing or acting in particular ways to back up beliefs? i am not married so i do not have a ring but i understand what you mean. it’s like, we have to be all or nothing or it doesn’t count.

    hope your find your ring though. maybe you lost it for this exact reason though, because it wasn’t what you wanted, *really*? (or i am just searching for a reason it is lost and you can ignore me :) )

    also, what’s a “pure artist”?

    (also: you’re definitely not a sell out and i definitely find a lot of your thoughts rebellious because they make me feel rebellious!)

  6. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:27 pm #

    @Melanie
    I love you back!
    And I love the way you phrased this: if you want a new engagement ring, or if you just want some deodorant…
    LOL! I think right now I just want some deodorant. I’m going to try Tom’s. I sweat whenever I’m nervous. What does the prescription do?

  7. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:30 pm #

    @zoe
    I had that thought– maybe I wasn’t careful enough about the ring because I didn’t feel as attached to it as I could have? But maybe I’m just not the kind of person who feels very attached to jewelry?

    I don’t really know what a pure artist is, but I know it’s a concept people really care about. I also know I have my own implicit art rules, like, I won’t advertise if any of the ads go against my message– like weight loss ads– even if they want to pay me a lot of money. So I’m actually not a sellout at all in that sense. And thank you for finding some of my ideas rebellious! I think some of everyone’s ideas are rebellious. Maybe we should all just share more ideas, in general

  8. Meg responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:30 pm #

    Yes! Soapwalla. I think I was supposed to send you that before. It works really really well. They sell it at a few places in Brooklyn and online.

  9. Melanie responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    The prescription actually closes up the sweat glands. And I got all the “Oh that’s not healthy Melanie!” comments. But I still sweat out of everywhere else so it’s not like I’m just blocking it all in. I got tired of ruining blouses. When I get really anxietal I would have dark spot circles like 3″ down the side of my shirt. I only use it maybe three times a year, but it’s a godsend.

  10. Lizzie responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    I love how you say that your diamond ring wasn’t your style, it was “just engagement style.” Now I have a mental image of a “Gagnam Style” sendup–”Engagement Style,” natch–where brides-to-be around the world do the horse-riding dance to flash their bling. Ha! It makes me giggle. Thanks for that.

  11. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:34 pm #

    @Lizzie
    OH MY GOD, I WAS TOTALLY THINKING THAT WHEN I WROTE IT

  12. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:34 pm #

    @Meg
    Thank you!!

  13. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:35 pm #

    @Melanie
    I sweat through ALL of my nice blouses when I’m performing services. Maybe I should look into this…Thanks for the info

  14. Janet T responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:36 pm #

    My husband and I are both the youngest of four children. Our older siblings had all gone non-traditional routes for marriage. Pregnancy forced marriages, eloping to Reno etc…. We just wanted our parents to have one traditional marriage in the family. So we became engaged with a diamond ring, married a year after we began dating, I wore a beautiful ivory gown, he wore a tux, even married in a church. While very little of this was important to us, it was very important to our parents. My Mother-in-law planned most of it and found great joy in doing so. She finally was able to invite her friends to one of her son’s weddings after years of going off to the weddings of her friend’s children. It was nice to be surrounded by family and friends, to say our vows to each other. At 130 people it was bigger than I would have wanted, it made me very nervous to be in front of that many people, but my Mom and Dad and his Mom and Dad were very happy with the whole event. I never wear my diamond ring anymore; I love my plain gold band- it is who I am.
    We were young too, just 22 and I’m not a very good rebel either- I’m ok with that, not everyone can be a rebel all the time. Be the person Bear loves, try to love the person Bear loves. I think learning to love ourselves is the hardest thing of all. At 50, I’m still working on it daily.

  15. TropicalChrome responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:38 pm #

    I’ve always believed that rebellion wasn’t about rejecting everything – it was about making up your own mind. It’s just as controlling to reject everything as accept everything. Making your own decisions for yourself scares the crap out of most people.

    So if you want the diamond, get the diamond. Same with the wedding dress or the deodorant or tuna casserole made with canned cream of mushroom soup. So what if everyone else likes it? The only thing that matters is if YOU like it.

    I have a tanzanite in my engagement ring. I like tanzanite – it’s such a me color. And at the time, it wasn’t a very expensive stone. (My, how times have changed.) My husband has a pyrope garnet in his wedding ring. We kept laughing that when we got older we could “upgrade” our rings, but it’s 18 years later, and we still have the same rings.

  16. Call Me Jo responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:39 pm #

    I have a diamond engagement ring, which my mother-in-law graciously called delicate. Probably because is sounded better than small. I wanted a small diamond, it fits the rest of me. I also wanted it to be set in platinum, which is now cool (go figure), but was unheard of back when I got married ridiculously young.
    Contrary to what I think many people were secretly thinking, we’re still happily married. I still wear my engagement ring paired with my wedding band. It’s always caked with a bit of filth because I never remember to take it off before I cook dinner. Sometimes I even wipe it off on my apron.
    I also took my husband’s last name. Something that was questioned several times by my professors while I was in grad school. I’ve decided my traditional choices are radical these days. I’m constantly rebelling by living my life, and that makes me a bit smug.

    P.S. You can try Tom’s deodorant. It works pretty well, but I think it takes a couple days for your body to adjust [read: I thought I stunk for the first couple days].

  17. Melisa responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:39 pm #

    My engagement ring is an amethyst. Why? I’m the keeper of the checkbook and I could only imagine what a wonderful vacation we could take if we didn’t overspend on a piece of jewelry. Also, because it’s purple, I love purple and it’s beautiful whereas diamonds rarely are.

  18. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:42 pm #

    @Janet T
    Our wedding was really for the family, too. Originally, I wanted to just buy pizzas for the guests and tell people to wear whatever they wanted. But then I saw how important it was to my mom to do things formally. And it was also important to be able to invite everyone both families wanted to invite. Bear and I are both pretty small-scale people– we’ve still never had a house warming party for our new place because parties seem really awful to us– but I thought it was OK to make an exception for the wedding.

  19. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:44 pm #

    @Call Me Jo
    HA! I personally like the look of a small diamond.
    When we looked at rings, before we ordered mine online, the jewelers didn’t even have any in yellow gold settings anymore, because it’d become so unfashionable. So you’re definitely in :-)

  20. andee responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:51 pm #

    I had a small engagement ring, but I don’t wear. I just wear a white ceramic band. The ring with a diamond somehow made me feel “owned” – if that makes sense. I don’t think other women are owned when I see diamond rings on their finger. It was just highly personal for me.

    Also I started making my own deodorant with the expectation that it wouldn’t work and I’d just go back to the commercial stuff. But it works like pure, non-chemical magic. I LOVE it. It’s super easy to make too. You just mix equal parts baking soda and corn starch and then add coconut oil until it is a consistancy like normal deodorant. Super easy, and it is effective for me.

  21. Meli responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 1:58 pm #

    I love this! A lot of my friends are hardcore feminists, and it often feels like I just don’t care enough. I mean, I am definitely a feminist, but like you said, I just can’t get offended about everything. Sometimes I like it when guys hold doors, and just because I can acknowledge the deep-seated social implications of that doesn’t mean that I have too.

  22. Elsa responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 2:01 pm #

    I wear my engagement ring and my wedding ring together, both just slim white gold. The engagement has a diamond. I sort of thought that if Robbie ever proposed he would tie a flower around my finger or something. Or give me a ring made of wood. I didn’t really mind either way, though I did hope we would get married. I was very surprised when I found out that he spent a whole summer talking to my friends and researching vintage diamond rings with filigree and such. And then he was in Scotland for a conference (he’s a raggedy biologist) and he went into a tiny little store where a little old jeweler was making a ring. And he said he knew that was the right ring. The diamond looks like it has magic inside it, and when I’m in a museum it catches the light like one of the pieces on display. I think it is beautiful. I don’t think it was wrong of him to get a diamond, and I don’t feel like less of a feminist for wearing it.

    I think your writing is wonderful.

    And I think a lot of time the smell of a woman without deodorant is nice. I mean, one isn’t usually close enough to a person to tell. But a lady cut my hair once, and she smelled I guess a little of body odor. It was comforting somehow.

  23. Katie responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 2:03 pm #

    I have a non-traditional engagement ring and it was SUPER important to me to get it. Not so much to him. I adore it, and since my wedding band started turning my fingers funny colors, I wear it everyday. I had an extremely small wedding. Just 9 people including the Justice of the Peace that married us. In my living room, and I bawled the entire time (and, goofy side note, I ended up reaching up and hugging my husband before the kiss. What a goober I am!). Best day of my life.

    I think everyone should do their own thing. Find your happy, and do it!! At 32, I’m still struggling with finding my work happy, but the rest of it? I’m getting down. And don’t be scared, because happy changed day-to-day, and minute-to-minute. Just don’t hurt other people, or break the law (you know, really badly), and live your life. Try things, experiment, and when it fails? Laugh, dust off, and move on.

    As far as deodorant, the best I’ve found was on Etsy. Look for shops selling vegetable protien based deodorant, and know that you can find it in any friggin scent you could possible imagine. Does it cost more than store stuff? Yep. And you have to pay shipping? Uh-huh. BUT! My pits have never smelt better. Though, I do still sweat. So, probably not great for sweat control, but does the trick on the stink.

  24. Kande responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 2:05 pm #

    I don’t have an engagement ring, because I eloped. I don’t have a diamond ring now because I don’t really wear jewellery (other than my wedding ring – which is the exact same as my husbands!). If everyone stops wearing diamond engagement rings, I shall shift from being a rebellious exception to boringly ordinary. As will every “rebel” who feels too cool for school from resisting the ring. P.S. telling women what they should NOT wear and should NOT do is just as oppressive as telling them what to wear and what to do. Feminist FAIL! IMHO).

  25. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 2:16 pm #

    So many interesting comments! I love this!

    @Katie I also love that you called yourself a goober. That was adorable.

    And the deodorant tips ROCK. I’m going to try everything until something works, because I really don’t want to get armpit cancer, even to be polite.

  26. Amanda responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 2:33 pm #

    “The world is full of people who yell at you to be all or nothing, even as none of us can be that way.”

    Perfectly said. I don’t have the energy to be consistently ANYTHING even though this means I may occasionally been seen as a hypocrite or “not good enough” at whatever. I’m just HUMAN. I do well when I do well, I do poorly when I do poorly. Sometimes I’m committed to things, sometimes I’m not. I want to meet all these super-humans that sit there from their pedestals and judge (even though it’s probably me doing most of the judging of myself…and internalizing what I IMAGINE others to be thinking).

    See, I’m even awful at judging if I can only manage to judge myself..

  27. Samantha Angela responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 2:41 pm #

    If a woman wants an engagement ring, that’s great. Why should anyone judge?
    I didn’t want one so I don’t have one. It has nothing to do with feminisim and everything to do with the fact that 1) I’m cheap and 2) I knew I would never wear it. We spent that money on our wedding/honeymoon instead.

    What I think is really unfair though is when a woman demands an engagement ring when her significant other is ready and willing to get married but unable to afford his girlfriend’s expensive tastes.

  28. STARGAZYRR responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 2:46 pm #

    I have a diamond ring that is non-traditional, which is perfect for me. I never exactly wanted a diamond and was leaning toward a chunky turquoise ring, but I loved the idea that a diamond would look more “engagement-y” than any other stone. We went to a few snooty shops where I looked at rings and we couldn’t find one that I even remotely liked.

    My ring is a sterling silver poison ring that we found at an Indian import shop… I knew it was my ring as soon as I saw it. We had a jeweler remove the tiny lid of the poison compartment and sank the diamond down into it. I think the diamond is a perfect size, just a little bit of sparkle. I have a very plain, thin white gold wedding band that I wear with it at all times.

  29. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 2:47 pm #

    @Samantha Angela
    Yes, agreed. That just seems weird. And also, there is ALWAYS an affordable ring, if you’re willing to compromise.

  30. Becky responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 2:47 pm #

    Yes. yes to this entire entry. I completely agree with being “in the middle” and “not ___ enough.” I completely understand feeling like a sellout for doing something because I just don’t care enough to do something differently.

    It’s not laziness. Not always.

    Once I realized that I was ‘feminist’ by my viewpoints and misogynist by my sense of humor, I threw all labels out the window. It’s not worth it, trying to do “What i’m supposed to” as a feminist/Christian/bisexual/writer/gun owner/animal lover/vegan/hunter – the various labels I’ve worn like winter coats over the years. Just be you. Fuck judgment.

  31. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    @Becky
    Sometimes I’ve felt really guilty about my occasionally misogynist humor. Sometimes I don’t give a shit. My brothers and I joke around in a totally sexist way a lot, and at the same time, I’m really serious about equality. I don’t think these things are mutually exclusive. And your description of yourself just goes to show: contradictory people sound more interesting!

  32. Kathi responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 3:08 pm #

    Like most people, I struggle with doing (or even realizing) what is the right thing for ME… The day my divorce was final, I went straight from the courthouse to the jeweler, where they had to cut my wedding set off my finger. Then, I had the shank part of the ring melted down and made into a “divorce ring” (that I designed myself) and the part of the ring that held the diamond is now a stunning pendant. I love both pieces! For me, they symbolize a new start, while still honoring those 18 years of married life.

  33. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 3:12 pm #

    @Kathi
    Love it

  34. Kati responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 3:28 pm #

    Lavanila “the healthy deodorant” – it’s the best, I swear! I stopped using chemical deodorants and I smelled awful and that Toms of Main deodorant was just making me smell worse! Then I found the healthy deodorant at Sephora. It’s a god send!
    http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=the+healthy+deodorant&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=6752849181&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1048276424436663289&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=e&ref=pd_sl_3mqfd9jzwt_e

  35. Hannah responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    Ok, I confess: I’m one of those people who averts my eyes when a Jewish friend orders a bacon cheeseburger, but I’m thinking the exact opposite! In fact, I’m freaking out stressing that that’s what you’re thinking.

    It’s more like “Ok. Breathe. Don’t look at her or at the cheeseburger, because then she might start think that I’m thinking that she’s a “bad” Jew, but I actually totally don’t- and Just because I choose to live by these rules doesn’t mean everyone does, and that’s great— uugh, don’t look, then she’ll know that you’re thinking about the dietary rules. Quick, find something to talk about that isn’t food or Judaism. Think faster, darnit. Why are you so bad at finding things to talk about that aren’t Judaism??”

    It’s a little stressful, actually.

    I also avert my eyes when a non-Jewish friend orders a bacon cheeseburger, and that’s also a “Quick, don’t make them uncomfortable that you keep kosher and can’t have one also. It’s totally okay for people to eat what they want to eat. You’re not imposing your religion on anyone when you don’t eat a bacon cheeseburger– breathe, darnit. They aren’t thinking about this at all. Why can’t you ever find anything to talk about that isn’t Judaism??”
    And then it loops into itself.

    Or maybe I’m just overthinking this?

  36. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 4:14 pm #

    @Hannah
    LOL! This was incredible. Thank you so much for this comment.
    I have actually also been in that situation– there have been times in my life when I went porkless, and yeah, there’s just this awkwardness surrounding eating with other Jews sometimes, like “Wait, are we on the same page? Do we accept each other?” But some of it is just awkwardness, like you’re saying, and not “BAD JEW. We can never speak again!” Thanks for breaking it down.

  37. Heather responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 4:37 pm #

    i didn’t get an engagement ring, i got an engagement fridge (we were remodeling). once i got my wedding ring, i wore that before the actual wedding/marriage so it was already visibly “worn” by the time came for me to really wear it. i didn’t think about what i was suppose to do, i just did what i felt was me. i love my engagement fridge :)

  38. Sarah R. responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 4:49 pm #

    I have a traditional diamond engagement ring. I like it a lot, though I sometimes am a little envious of the unique handmade or vintage blah blah blah rings I see or feel a little guilty about the ethical issues around diamonds. But I was 23 when I it, and I just went with the flow. I wore it all the time until I got the wedding band. Now I wear the band all the time and only wear the diamond when I’m getting fancy.

    I love what you wrote and totally identify with not feeling rebel enough. Because I like to cook and sew, and I want to stay home and raise babies, and I don’t have a quirky or cutting-edge look, and I don’t want anything close to what is considered a high-powered career. But inside I still FEEL radical, you know? I am beyond left in my politics, I can rage about inequalities of various kinds to no end, I don’t believe in traditional gender roles, etc., etc. But my actual life can’t be just a litany of causes, I want to do things that make me HAPPY too. And a lot of my interests and hobbies are “traditional.” So that’s what I do. Because if you’re just adhering to the rebel playbook, you’re really not a rebel anyway, right?

    Oh, and deodorant: Duggan Sisters LifeStinks. It’s a powder, not a stick, and I adore it. I think Whole Foods carries it.

  39. Rapunzel responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 5:42 pm #

    I wanted a diamond ring, and I got it. I printed out pictures of all the shapes of diamond rings that were possible, and I put big red X’s on all the ones I didn’t like (such as, a heart-shaped diamond). A few more guidelines….and voila, a ring that I’d love and one that HE picked out was mine!

    However, I’m dying for a big opal ring. I’ve got a big thing for opals. I just love them and always have. I guess I never considered using one as an engagement ring instead of a diamond–oh well!

  40. Amanda responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 6:06 pm #

    This recipe for homemade deodorant has gotten rave reviews. I’ve been using it for about a week and it’s been very effective. It’s really easy to make–try it out and let me know how it works!

    http://www.passionatehomemaking.com/2010/02/homemade-all-natural-deodorant.html

  41. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 6:07 pm #

    I love you guys. So much deodorant advice!! I am full of hope :-)

  42. S. responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 6:30 pm #

    I have an engagement ring that is completely different from what I ever would have expected. My mom has a blue topaz in her ring, and I planned to get a ring with blue topaz like hers, partly because it’s really pretty, partly because topaz is cheaper than diamonds, and partly because I wanted to start a family ‘tradition.’

    However, my husband my husband completely surprised me when he proposed. We had barely discussed marriage when he proposed, so we never had a discussion about what I wanted in a ring. He gave me a ring with a 1 carat center diamond and about a 1/2 carat tw of diamonds on the band. It is much bigger and flashier than I ever would have picked out myself–and if we had picked together I would have gone with something more understated and non-diamond–but I love it because he picked it out for me.

    I picked out a plain white gold slim wedding band, and sometimes I forget to wear my engagement ring (my wedding band stays on all the time). I really like the look of the plain band alone, but I also love the thought that went into my engagement ring. I like having both options – plain & simple or dressed up and shiny.

  43. Daphne responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 7:21 pm #

    I second and third and fourth the homemade cornstarch-and-baking soda -and-coconut oil deodorant. I also add in a few drops of lavender essential oil. It works better than anything I’ve ever tried. It’s not an antiperspirant, but I’ve noticed that I don’t sweat as much since I’ve been wearing it. It’s like my body relaxed once it wasn’t fighting the chemicals. I tried like 18 different deodorants of all kinds, natural and chemical, and homemade works the best for me.

    I have a stunning green tourmaline ring as my wedding/engagement ring, which I wear with either a family hand-me-down rose gold band or a simple silver band. I also wear a family diamond wedding set, with another silver band, on my right hand. I love all the rings in any configuration and they all say, “spoken-for” which I think is the point, yes?

  44. Darcy responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 7:27 pm #

    On the deodorant front, I just use baking soda, but you can’t do that if you shave your armpits, because it hurts like a mofo, like putting diatomaceous earth on you if you’re a bug. But I hear you can also make a solution with it and spray that on. Easy, cheap, and effective. Not a perfume-y thing but an odor-preventing thing. I’ve been using it for years and have never had anyone complain that I smell funky :)

  45. Annie responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 7:30 pm #

    I have a really GIANT aquamarine engagement ring that my husband had made with a stone that he smuggled home from Brazil when he was only 7 years old. He lived down there with his family, and his parents literally hid the stones on the kids in order to get them through Customs!

    I love that my ring has a story, love that it is my favorite color, and love not wearing a diamond (though I would never criticize anyone who does, it’s just not my personal choice).

    It’s fun to be different, and I get lots of confused looks and lots of compliments.

  46. Tobasco responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 7:41 pm #

    I agree with so many things everyone is saying. It seems to me like being yourself is more rebellious than fitting any particular mold, regardless of how rebellious they claim to be. Although I have to say if you think it’s hard now it gets Intense when you have a baby. Especially before the first year of your first child’s life, when you’re trying so hard to everything as “right” as possible… Only that other mom just read a study saying the way you’re doing it isn’t right enough. I was so much happier once I realized that I need to do what works for us, not what any one book (or mother or whomever) says.

    Anyway…. I have a yellow diamond. I wanted sapphire because I’ve always loved blue. But my husband insisted it “didn’t count” if it wasn’t a diamond. Even after I explained to him that the diamond engagement ring was invented by DeBeers. It was so important to him I ended up going with it, compromising for a yellow diamond. But I rarely wear either my engagement band or wedding band because I’ve developed really painful eczema on my fingers. Occasionally I get paranoid that people judge me when I am with my daughter. But then I just try to remind myself not to judge others-I don’t know their story.

    I remember reading once that somewhere…I forget where… Both the man and women wear their engagement rings on their right hand and they both switch to the left when they get married. I liked that custom.

    I was thinking about rebelliousness today as I was driving to pick my daughter from school. My hair was done, my makeup was fresh, I was wearing a nice put together outfit… And rocking out to a new “dance pop/indie rock” techno-ish album and not the NPR I’m sure everyone assumed I would be listening to. Being yourself can be the best form of rebellion.

  47. Shannon responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 7:45 pm #

    I have no engagement ring nor a wedding ring. There were several reasons for this decision.

    (1) There is little symbolic meaning for me. Before we decided to get married, I was thinking frequently about a wedding ring in a symbolic manner because I wanted to be married. But decided against getting one and am very happy for it as I don’t care about the ring now that I’m married. I’m guessing it was rings are used to show people are married in movies/film/whatever and it was so familiar that I kept the association even though it didn’t really have much meaning to me.

    (2) I don’t wear jewelry. I find it very pretty, but I don’t like wearing it as it gets in the way. I also got paranoid a lot about loosing rings when I use to wear them. (Which was high school.)

    (3) Cost vs. Benefit. I can find better uses for the money that are more meaningful to me.

    (4) I wasn’t willing to spend the money. My husband was willing to buy me a ring if I really wanted it as long as he could afford it. I felt this was an unfair burden and given the above would be a waste of his money.

    Had my mom said she cared if the wedding was traditional, I probably would have gotten wedding rings and had a traditional-style wedding. She told me to do it how I wanted, so I did. We spent $110 or so dollars on the wedding. (Plus whatever a men’s button down shirt costs.) We got married by a judge who was awesome, then went out for dinner with the 10 people we invited. (I also kept my name because it was easier. I did consider changing my name as his is more interesting, but didn’t feel enough either way to spend the effort doing it.)

    I was extremely happy with the whole thing and would recommend it to people who are thinking about it. But I would like to emphasis __I__ was extremely happy with it. That doesn’t mean it is what everyone would be happy with it.

  48. Gaby responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 9:30 pm #

    When I got engaged I tried on one of those stereotypical engagement rings (the solitaire style). As soon as I saw it on my finger I felt physically sick. That ring freaked me out. It was really not “me” and I’m so glad that I was able to choose a ring with my partner, something that we both had input on and liked.
    Real diamonds were completely out of the question as neither of us could imagine spending thousands of dollars on a piece of jewellery. (I had typed here, “We were only 18 and on wages to match” but even now at 25 and much better wages I wouldn’t spend thousands on jewellery.) He wanted me to have something ‘practical’ e.g. could easily go inside a snowboard glove and would not get caught on things. An interesting requirement, but quite suitable for us.
    I did see something lovely in a jewellery store one day, but it used real diamonds so that exact ring was not an option. Thankfully there’s a brand in Australia that sells “the world’s most perfect diamond simulant” (called ‘Secrets Shhh’) and they had a ring 99% similar and 100% “me”, and only around $350!
    It’s a gold band with 7 small diamond-looking stones ‘channel set’. It’s simple, practical, we both liked the style, and I love wearing it. And it never gets caught on anything, haha.
    I have never felt embarrassed that they’re not real diamonds, and have happily told people to check out ‘Secrets Shhh’ if they’re looking for beautiful, affordable jewellery (that can easily be mistaken for real precious stones, if that’s something that matters to them).
    When it came time to buy a wedding ring I knew I wanted a plain gold band; it just says “wedding ring!” to me. Husband tried on many options (e.g. two-tone rings, and non-gold metals), but also ended up choosing a plain gold band.

  49. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 9:35 pm #

    @Gaby
    I sometimes wonder why everyone doesn’t wear exclusively plastic/fake jewelry, since it’s almost impossible to tell the difference. Bear makes this point a lot :-)

  50. Maya responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 9:53 pm #

    I have a diamond engagement ring, which I wear, under my wedding band, all the time- I take it off for washing before bread and for the mikvah, and that’s It. I sleep with them on, etc. My mother did, and as soon as I could bear to (I’d never worn rings before), I started doing the same with my engagement ring. Otherwise, I know I’d lose them eventually, and they matter to me, rather a lot. The engagement ring is also special to us because it came from my husband’s family- it was his great-aunt’s engagement ring, and came to us via his grandmother. So I was picking between his great-aunt’s ring (which fit me just about perfectly with no adjustments) or his great-grandmother’s ring (which was tiny, and yet too sparkly and overwhelming for me). It was a very special choice, and a very touching moment- it was a welcome to the family, beyond being a symbol of our engagement (we didn’t do the traditional proposal thing- but even that’s traditional for my family…)

    Hannah (comment 35)- I feel exactly the same way! Thanks for putting it into words.

  51. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 9:58 pm #

    @Maya
    I’m a little jealous– I wished at the time of our engagement that we had a family ring of some kind to use. But maybe we just have to start our own tradition? (If I ever find my damn ring)

  52. Sarah responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 10:22 pm #

    I stumbled upon your blog recently and have enjoyed reading this.. but I would like to say that I’m extremely turned off by a small smidgen of this post…. you don’t recycle when you KNOW you should? I am appalled, horrified, disgusted, enraged, and all of the above when people don’t recycle when they have the knowledge and ability to do so. Whatever did the earth do to you that made you not want to love it back? I know this is coming off as bitchy and extremely rude- but I am trying to make a point. By you (a blog owner with many many readers) stating that it’s ok to sometimes not recycle you are relaying a message- a HUGE message to your readers and their own habits. Please, love the Earth like it loves you.. and recycle. It’s not hard if it’s “a foot away”. I’m sorry that this sounds mean- I am just simply a reader who cares more about the environment than most…. and wanted to point out the fault in this post.

  53. em responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 10:25 pm #

    I had a diamond engagement ring, which neither of us cared much about getting but were kind of pressured into it by his family because that was what everyone did and they really seemed to think it would be sad for us if we didn’t.

    Many years later, we mutually agreed to sell it. We also changed from people who believed in wearing our plain wedding bands to wearing no rings like that at all.

    I think sometimes that wanting to be so individual or nonconformist in everything actually ends up being as confining as someone who feels they must follow every old tradition across the board. I LOVE how I’ve seen over time more people all doing their own things!

  54. Kate responded on 25 Oct 2012 at 11:44 pm #

    @Sarah
    I was wondering if that line might offend someone….
    I KNOW! I’M TERRIBLE! I AM KILLING THE EARTH
    No, but really, I’m not. And most of the time I recycle.

  55. Becky PB responded on 26 Oct 2012 at 4:25 am #

    My boyfriend and I aren’t engaged yet, but we’ve talked about stuff like this. He’s French and I’m Canadian, and I don’t know if it’s the French culture or just the circle of people he knows, but no one he knows gets engaged before getting married. At least not officially with the ring and the proposal and all that. When we had this realization of “You don’t do that??” and “You still do that??” it was a bit of a culture shock I guess.
    So I don’t want a traditional diamond ring for multiple reasons. We’re both still students, so we’re not exactly rolling in money, and diamonds are expensive. I’ve never been particularly fond of diamonds either and I love colour, so it makes more sense to me to get something that I *love* than something that just makes me think “engaged” (really, no matter what ring I’m wearing on that finger I’m going to think “engaged”). It also doesn’t make sense to me to require him to buy me an expensive diamond ring because that’s what my culture says, when his says we don’t need a ring at all. His love for me isn’t embodied by the cost of the ring, so I’d rather have something that feels feasible for us. It symbolizes the same thing either way, and maybe even more because it will be unique to us.

    As for the deodorant thing I have no suggestions, just a quick story I guess…When I first moved in with my boyfriend he thought it was really weird that I would put on deodorant after showering even if the plan was just to hang out together at home all day. Since I’m doing school online and don’t have a job, this is the majority of my days. I thought doing this was just normal. So I decided that if he didn’t care I wasn’t going to waste my money trying to smell different. It was hard to adjust to. Not because I think I actually smell bad (it’s not like I’m running a marathon here, mostly just sitting around and studying), but simply that I’m not used to how I smell. After living in a culture where it’s heavily pushed that people shouldn’t smell like anything but fruit or flowers it was hard to get used to just smelling like a human being for a while.

  56. Sari responded on 26 Oct 2012 at 5:07 am #

    re: deodorant — Tom’s of Maine always made me smell reeeeeally weird. I’ve had good luck with crystal deodorants, and with some random brand sold in Israel. I’m curious to try homemade though…

    re: ring — I think we’ve been over this long story… a lot. ;-) Suffice it to say, I ended up with a natural (not heat-treated) sapphire set in a ring made to my design specs by an artisan in Israel. The band is a branch and it ends in leaves on both sides (1pt diamonds in the leaves… that was enough diamond for me), the tips of which climb up to the sapphire. I like it, and it’s more me than a diamond would be.

    That said, I’ve had plenty of people (women) tell me here that it doesn’t look like an engagement ring. Don’t I want a ring that looks like an engagement ring? Um… no. I don’t care what society says I need, thanks.

    A friend recently got engaged; her fiance designed a ring for her with an emerald. It’s gorgeous. Times are a’changing?

  57. Lynn responded on 26 Oct 2012 at 7:25 am #

    Wonderful post, Kate, thank you so much!

    Before I was engaged I always had this vague idea that I would get a non-diamond enagement ring, because up to that point I always found colored stones more striking than diamonds. However, I absoultely LOVE the diamond ring my now husband gave me. It has a very vintage look to it, sparkles beautifully, and suits my personality perfectly. My wedding band also has some tiny diamonds in it. Right now these are the only pieces of diamond jewelry I own, but I like them, it adds to their “specialness*. I wear my engagement ring and my wedding band every day, with the wedding band on the inside, but more because they fit together better that way than because you’re *supposed to*.

    Interesting side-note, that family heirloom thing is true! On our wedding day (which was only a month ago!), I wore my great grandmother’s engagement ring on my right hand. It’s lovely, it’s a silver ring that’s cut to look like a delicate spiderweb with a teeny tiny diamond in the center :)

    Re: diamond/no diamond/ring/no ring/femenism/rebeliion in general: If there’s one thing I’ve learned (especially having newly emerged from the wedding planning process), it’s that you cannot be all things to all people and you cannot keep everyone happy all the time. In the end, you need to do what makes YOU happy. In the immortal words of Dr Seuss: “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” :)

  58. Rebekah responded on 26 Oct 2012 at 11:33 am #

    This might elicit gasps of horror. However, the best way not to have a lot of armpit sweat or smell… is not to shave. Yeah. Sorry. Use whatever natural deodorant you want, but your body provides the best protection. Come on. It’s almost winter, no one will even notice!!

    Also, those guys who stare when you’re eating a bacon cheeseburger? It’s because they wish they were eating bacon too. Mmmm bacon!

    Why do we love to dress up? Because there is a freedom in being someone else. We can do the things we might not normally do, like order a lot of cheese plates. Love the things we might not normally love, like pouffy dresses. Say the things in public we would never shout out loud, like: I love you and pledge myself to you forever. Weddings are partially about doing all those things and an engagement ring reminds you of that. Maybe. Or maybe it’s just the socially agreed upon symbol that says, “Someone loves me enough to say it in public.”

  59. CJ @ Fill the Well responded on 26 Oct 2012 at 11:39 am #

    No engagement ring thoughts here, but good God thank you for saying something about natural deodorant! I have endured the judgment of my “socially-conscious” friends for using “chemical” products, but I have NEVER found a natural deodorant that works. Maybe that makes me a bad rebel. I’d prefer to smell nice.

    And by the way, I’m pretty damn tired of people drawing lines to define what is/is not a good feminist, a good liberal, a good vegetarian, a good hippie, whatever. Do we not see the irony that this boundary drawing, “you’re in, you’re out,” heavy-judgment mentality is exactly the kind of oppressive behavior that spawned these “movements” in the first place?

  60. soulcandymag responded on 26 Oct 2012 at 11:45 am #

    “I get the impression that consistent rebellion is in. That, as a young person, I should personalize everything, and take it back, and own it, and make it truly mine, and reclaim it. Sex, marriage, career, rings, bicycles, food, art, hats, religion, furniture, the city, shoes, and eventually motherhood. I should find a way to express my specific brand of rebelliousness and conscientiousness in each area. I should DIY all the time. I should think all of the remnants of the old, corporate, oppressive system are stupid.”

    Oh. So. TRUE.
    It’s like to be yourself, you have to a fresh, original brand, with a simple slogan. Why can’t I be a patchwork of bits and pieces of all the things I don’t, sort of, and really do believe in?

  61. Bossy Italian Wife responded on 26 Oct 2012 at 3:40 pm #

    I did not want a diamond, either. I wanted a big chunk of smoky topaz. Because a shiny-ass diamond was just not for me. It wasn’t even like me. I was practically a hippie when I got engaged, and all I imagining myself on Phish tour with some gaudy diamond… and I couldn’t.

    But then my friends kept saying to me, “Topaz will crack! Diamonds are durable…” and blah blah blah.

    When we went ring shopping we looked at everything… and even though I kept coming back to that topaz ring again and again, it was my future husband who wanted to get a diamond… because he didn’t want people getting the wrong idea about his seriousness or something, perhaps. He liked the look and “engaged” feel of a diamond.

    Still, we aren’t “those” traditional people… and when he proposed to me, he opened a box that bore a diamond ring–but a chocolate diamond that has a striking resemblance to a certain topaz ring I used to like. The first question I always get about my ring is “What kind of stone is that” and I always feel extra special when I say, “Oh it’s a chocolate diamond.” It’s different, and I love that.

    …But it’s still a diamond, and I love that too now!

  62. Sarah responded on 26 Oct 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    I think that being yourself is the best rebellion out there. And part of being yourself is following the traditions that have value to you – even if the way they matter to you isn’t necessarily the way society says they matter in general.

  63. Rianz responded on 27 Oct 2012 at 7:51 am #

    Hi, I’ve never commented before (even though I love your blog, I never comment much ever, still kinda shy online if you can believe it!)…. but tonight I had to for these reasons:

    I make a coconut oil deodorant that I love (I see you have plenty of links etc)… but I happened to find the recipe through your blog! I happened to click on the profile link of one of your commenters a couple of months ago… her profile name had the word “kiwi” in it so it caught my eye as I am from NZ even though I live in Australia. Anyhow, her latest post at the time was about this amazing homemade deodorant she’d just tried. I tried it too and love it! AND…. I homeschool my kids…. AND last week our local home school community had our annual Home Education Market Day… AND me and my kids made said deodorant to sell at the markets and it was HUGELY POPULAR!!!! So there.

    All that just to say… Hi Kate! Please keep on writing.
    R xx

  64. Jane responded on 27 Oct 2012 at 8:05 am #

    I don’t have any engagement ring; I specifically requested that my feller not buy me one. The reasons are particular and personal; I had a really bad day once with three of my girlfriends comparing their ‘rocks’ while I was conspicuously sans feller. And then later I was (briefly) engaged to a someone who turned out quite decidedly not to be Mr Right, and in that brief hiatus between becoming engaged and having my heart monumentally broken I gave him my favourite ring so he could go to a jeweller and get something in my size… he never (to my knowledge) made the trip to the jeweller, neither did I ever get my ring back. So, some years later when I was doing the thing for real I said quite fervently that there would be no ring involved of any sort that wasn’t a wedding ring. Ten plus years down the track I don’t even wear my wedding ring that much (I’ve gained and lost and gained and lost so much weight it is definitely no longer a good fit… although surprisingly the problem presently is that it is too loose) and I looked for it last month to put on because we were going to a wedding, and I (for once) was getting properly dressed, but it was nowhere to be found. I came across it ten days ago when my older boy lost another tooth… for some reason I had filed my ring in the tooth fairy’s department!!! I hope your ring comes to light sometime too. Even if it is not a unique statement piece, it is what it is.

  65. Kim responded on 27 Oct 2012 at 11:25 am #

    Rock on, you.

    Here’s the thing I’ve found about natural deodorant: it takes some for your body chemistry to adjust. I hated the Tom’s when I first got it and switched to a crystal salt deodorant (which needed to be reapplied throughout the day). After using it for a while I found that I simply didn’t stink as much, or sweat as much for that matter. So i tried the Tom’s again because it didn’t need to be reapplied all day, and now I love the Tom’s. Go figure.

  66. Alicia Cumming responded on 27 Oct 2012 at 1:40 pm #

    being someone who sweats profusely & who has a sensitivity to chemicals (like fruity or flowery smells in deodorants), I’m a fan of the Mitchum natural deodorant/antiperspirant brand. The clear variety-not the white creamy kind that sticks on your clothes.

  67. Kate responded on 27 Oct 2012 at 5:19 pm #

    I really had no idea I had so many deodorant options! I’m learning so much!

  68. Kate responded on 27 Oct 2012 at 5:20 pm #

    @Rianz
    LOL! I can’t believe you found that info through my blog community. I love my readers! And so cool that you’re able to sell the product now, and so cool that you’re homeschooling! Thanks for the comment!

  69. Eat the Damn Cake » stop judging my diamond ring, I already know I … | Queen Diamond Rings responded on 27 Oct 2012 at 8:33 pm #

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  70. CW responded on 28 Oct 2012 at 11:55 pm #

    Have you tried looking in your drain traps? My cats once knocked my engagement ring/wedding ring down the drain. That was not fun…

  71. Kate responded on 29 Oct 2012 at 12:40 pm #

    To the reader who was angry at me for having a blood diamond:

    Mine was not. And I’ve deleted your comment because you were unable to raise this issue without insulting me. I’m happy to talk, but I’m not interested in being called names. I would have written back to you privately, but you left a false email address. Haters always do!

  72. Kate responded on 29 Oct 2012 at 12:41 pm #

    @CW
    Good thought! The cat is still a suspect…

  73. Sarah responded on 29 Oct 2012 at 4:16 pm #

    My boyfriend and I went to Saint Martin this summer where he “proposed.” Actually, we were doing some day-drinking on the strip of duty-free stores and he got my a beautiful, nearly 1 carat tanzanite stone with two side stone tapered diamond baguettes. Traditional setting, non-trad stone. I love it–perfect blend of his mantra “simple, classic, elegant” but funky enough for my style. After buying the ring and realizing it looked good on my left hand, we got engaged!

    We’re planning a traditional Quaker wedding (he’s a Quaker, I’m cool with their philosophy) with a funky, family reunion style picnic BBQ afterwards. Perfect.

  74. Hannah responded on 30 Oct 2012 at 1:21 pm #

    Belated thanks to both Maya and Kate for your agreement that eating with other Jews is *awkward*, and for thinking those awkward thoughts along with me.

  75. carnation responded on 04 Nov 2012 at 3:08 pm #

    I have a diamond engagement ring, but I no longer wear it. When I became engaged, I actually wanted a ruby, but we couldn’t find any set in platinum, so ended up with the classic Tiffany ring. My husband bought it back in 1999, and I wish we had had the access to jewelry shopping and research over the Internet that we do today. I have bought diamonds since, higher quality and for better prices, but that was not an option back in the late 1990s.

    Anyway, I no longer wear the ring because I have gained weight and the cost of altering a platinum ring by two sizes is prohibitive. The funny thing is that I wear about the same clothing size as when I got married in 2001, but my rings need to be significantly adjusted as rings aren’t vanity sized in the same way.

  76. Gabriela Gonsalves responded on 25 Mar 2013 at 5:47 am #

    My boyfriend accidentally proposed… he let his thoughts on marriage slip one day and the intense blushing and head dive into a pillow afterwards made me love him so much more. It was a surprise and completely unplanned- on both sides, which made me happy as it was so different. A few nights later he surprised me with a beautiful citrine necklace which I had mentioned a while back was my favourite stone. It’s beautiful and perfect and I wear it around my neck everyday so i guess its the same as a ring, just a different place.

    Recently we went to buy a proper engagement ring- by proper I mean with a diamond and it has his birthstone (sapphire) in my favourite colour (yellow) on either side. So the ring and necklace kind of match. I love it and I love that we chose it together… also on the internet haha.

    The other day his friend made a comment about how children in small mining towns probably lost a hand in order to get my diamond (for the record they are conflict free and we had it made in a small family run store) and I should be ashamed of myself for wanting one as it is so shallow and flashy. I’ve never owned a diamond and am quite simple when it comes to the things I buy/ wear/ do etc. 80% of the time I dont buy into the whole extravagant lifestlye and my soon-to-be husband is the same (though his passion for BMW and mine for Apple Mac is our little outlet). I just always wanted a diamond engagement ring because it really does say ‘engaged’ and completely different to anything else I own, a gem stone ring would be too similar and for me, not as special or exciting.

    Its a difficult choice as I am naturally indecisive and also hate following the norm (we’re also young, I’m catholic and portuguese, both have big families blah- it writes itself) and therefor have the tendency to doubt my decisions constantly but I think tradition in this case is beautiful and I know I made the right choice by doing this as it really is once in a life time and so why should we give up something we both wanted based on other people and their opinions? I love it, he loves it and we love eachother – decision made!

  77. Amanda responded on 01 Apr 2013 at 10:17 am #

    I was actually laughing out loud reading this because a lot of us (myself included) worry about these things but when you say them out loud it’s ridiculous! I feel the need to explain and justify the conventional things I sometimes wear too (like I’m only using this designer bag because it was given to me and it’s the perfect size and I can’t afford another or I’m wearing this bracelet because it was a gift and I want to show my friends I appreciate it) but really all the rebelling you talk about surely has the aim of freeing us from restrictive convention so that we have the scope to make our own choices…conventional ones included

  78. Utah responded on 14 May 2014 at 10:36 am #

    Utah…

    Eat the Damn Cake » stop judging my diamond ring, I already know I’m a bad rebel…

  79. Varennes responded on 04 Jun 2014 at 4:52 am #

    Varennes…

    Eat the Damn Cake » stop judging my diamond ring, I already know I’m a bad rebel…