things that people apparently do
I keep not publishing this piece because it’s really just a big list and I’m a little embarrassed that I wrote it. But I wrote it anyway, and now I’m sharing it, because it’s the new year, which is about change, and I want to know how wherever you live changed you and didn’t change you.
Things that people apparently do a lot in NYC, and I still don’t:
See celebrities on the street (This is supposed to happen to people all the time. It happens to people even when they don’t live here and are just visiting for the day. I have lived here for over four years and I only JUST FINALLY saw Anne Hathaway in my grocery store. And that’s only because I go there a lot and so it was probably only a matter of time.)
Go to clubs where there are celebrities (I went to a club when I was 21 and I danced with a guy who was there with his parole officer. I told him my name was Ari Gold, because I thought that was the sexiest name a hot Jewish girl could have. Or, you know, a fifty-year-old Jewish guy. I think the hot clubs in NYC might be in the meatpacking district, but that’s only because one person told me she went to a club there. That’s how much I know)
Know the names of chefs (I will get there. And then I will be cultured, at last. As far as I can tell most of them start with “Daniel” or “David.”)
(one of them founded Shake Shack and changed my culinary life forever in doing so. I should know. source)
(I basically just take every opportunity to post this picture. source)
Work out a lot and maybe even have a personal trainer (Yeah, that just doesn’t seem to happen for me. Here’s a post about it.)
Go to lots of parties, sometimes in some really rich person’s penthouse, sometimes where there are models (Maybe I just don’t get invited….Although I was once at a book party looking really out of place I’m sure and like halfway through this group of models came in and then they stood in the corner together looking uncomfortable and tall and shiny. I think that someone maybe paid them to come? Or something? But that was the only time. I actually ended up talking with one of them, and she had this thick accent– Swedish? Danish?– and she had to bend down to talk to me. She was nice.)
Get hit on on the subway (Once a guy on the subway said to me, “You Jewish?” and I said “Yes,” and then he said that he was Puerto Rican but his sister married a Jew, and he was OK with it, and we nodded to each other in kinship. But I don’t think he was hitting on me)
(I am so uncool. Just looking at beer reminds me. source)
Be a part of a “scene.” (You know, where everyone is like you, but also cutting edge, or maybe you are cutting edge, too, and you all talk about your work together, because you’re all changing the world in the same way, and you just “get” each other. And you drink microbrews together and like the same vegan appetizers. Like that. I think that really happens a lot here. But I don’t know exactly where it happens. Probably Williamsburg.)
Find their way around the Village without too much effort (This is deeply embarrassing to me. I should be able to. I look like a tourist in the Village. Once when I was in the Village someone who lived there rolled her eyes and said, “Tourists…” to her friends, about me. And I feel like that is the worst thing that you can look like in NYC. It’s so humiliating I can’t even let myself think about it anymore so I have to go on to the next thing on the list.)
Get awesome furniture from the street (are the garbage collectors in my neighborhood just more on top of things?)
(it’s waiting…source)
Play an instrument/recite poetry at an open mic (I think they’re happening everywhere around me, but they sound seriously scary, especially since I played at an open mic in NJ once, which can’t be nearly as critical a crowd, and people actually left the room as I was playing. I mean, like, most of the people there left the room. And then it was just me and this one really drunk girl and this one guy who later asked me to touch his penis. That was a bad night.)
Go to hip bars with ironic names (I now laugh knowingly whenever someone tells me the name of their favorite bar, because I am sure it’s supposed to be ironic, even when I don’t get the irony. I just never go to bars. They’re loud and I am tired in the evening and I feel like I’ll just be standing there awkwardly and the last time I was in a bar, when my friend was reciting a story there at a non-open mic event, I asked for a Cosmo because I panicked because the bartender was this cute, worldly-looking guy, and I could only think Cosmo, because of all the Sex And the City I watched as a freshman in college, and he looked at me for a long time and then asked if he could see some ID. Even though I am 26. Because I should know how to order a drink and clearly I don’t for some reason, but it’s freakish, because I am in NYC supposedly being an adult)
Be in a book club (I was! I was in a book club. Briefly. I think everyone was happier when I stopped coming, especially since the time before I left I accidentally flashed them because my dress came unsnapped while I was gesturing emphatically. Now book club is like a club I just can’t seem to get into. I am probably missing out on a lot of great conversations about books I will find out about a year later.)
(source)
Things that people apparently do in NYC that I have done more than once or for a long time even though they sort of surprise me:
Go to yoga (I went to yoga in Park Slope with a friend. I think I went five times. It was pretty good. But then my friend got lice and she thinks it was from a rented mat and I got humiliated by the teacher in front of the class on a day when my pants had a crotch hole in them. Still, since then I’ve been trying to convince myself to just buy a mat online so that I can go back, since I bought a ten class pass to motivate myself and I think it runs out after a year. It is also a goal of mine to one day be able to finally touch my toes.)
Get food at a weekend farmers market (Word of advice: sometimes different booths sell the same thing for different prices. I always buy strawberries at the first one, and then I realize my mistake a minute later. But overall, it’s still this very classic, fulfilling experience that makes you feel satisfied with the world and like things are going well in general and that people are probably reasonably smart.)
Live in a tiny, uncleanable apartment with an angry, elderly landlord and a super who has never taken a shower and who sometimes uses his master key to come into their apartment unannounced (This happens to everyone, right?)
Wait for an hour for the G train (I tell myself over and over than I’ll leave, and I just keep staying)
Become a writer (I am such a damn cliche!)
Run into pretty much all of their ex-boyfriends on the street at one point or another (It should be a bigger city than this. I ran into the worst one THREE times. And my hair only looked good one of those times, and I ducked behind a friend another one of those times, so as far as he knows, it was only two.)
Go on OKCupid (“But seriously, I have so many gorgeous, brilliant friends, and THEY are all on it!” Which is actually true for, I think, everyone now)
See independent films (There are only three other people in the theater! I’ve now been to maybe five. They usually make me cry at some point, because I pick the really moving ones that are trying to improve the world.)
Wonder why they want to stay in NYC so much even though places outside it are so quiet and peaceful and sweet-smelling (Why does my neighborhood smell so bad?! These fumes rise from under the street, like under there is literally hell, and the whole place is just balanced precariously above it, but if there’s even one more tiny earthquake, we’ll all be swallowed up for our urban promiscuity and our ironically named bars. But I actually can’t imagine leaving now, somehow. All of the best food trucks are here, too!)
(I bet this smells really good. source)
Perceive all houses as obscenely, wantonly large (What do you DO with all of those rooms? How creepy must it be at night, when they’re all empty and dark? What does an empty room even look like? Why aren’t you setting up a painting studio in there? You could be hosting open mics!)
Move to Brooklyn (I mean, if you didn’t start out in Brooklyn. When I moved here from the Upper West Side, everyone was like, “Finally!” And now I feel both cooler and a lot less original, and I have all these existential thoughts about that, which is also pretty standard for a writer in Brooklyn, I think, so then I have to think about that, too, while I’m walking to Trader Joes to wait in line for two hours to buy the whole milk ricotta that I have grown accustomed to.)
Be in a writers’ group (Best thing ever!)
*
There are a lot more things that could go on both of these lists, of course, but I think each category now has twelve things in it, so I’ll stop. What’s interesting to me is that there’s no one way to be a New Yorker, even though people keep writing movies and TV shows and books about what that looks like. You come to this city with so many expectations and outfits that you are positive are stylish, and you get here and realize that you don’t know what stylish is. And you have clearly watched too much TV. And people are friendlier than you expected. But there are some things that you can’t avoid and will stop remembering why you wanted to. Like Tasti D-lite. Their strawberry chocolate milkshake is otherworldly. And I think I invented it. And you can pretend you’re sort of being healthy because it’s not ice cream, it’s just ingenious chemicals that make it seem like ice cream. And yoga. It really makes you feel more limber, even if you’re not doing it in lululemon pants. Even if you swore you’d proudly remain the only woman in this damn city who still doesn’t do yoga. It’s OK to blend in a little. Or, like the woman in the wedding gown with the pink backpack and the dreads, who was wandering around 14th street the other day, it’s OK to just be yourself.
As long as you don’t ever order a Cosmo.
No, even if you do.
* * *
So happy new year, guys! And tell me! What don’t you do, still, even though people in your area are supposed to do those things? What do you do that you never thought you would?
Unroast: Today I love the way I look when everything I’m wearing is flowy.
And here is a reader cake pic! If you have one of yourself, please send it to kate@eatthedamncake.com. This one is from a reader named Kate who says she usually photoshops pictures of herself, but is being brave and not doing that here, as she eats some delicious Carvel cake. You are gorgeous, Kate! Thank you for sharing!
Terri responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 9:36 am #
I live five minutes outside of Princeton, NJ. According to society, I’m supposed to be this uber suphisticated gal spending her days in coffer shops and museums right before strolling down the Main Street for some afternoon reflection. I do none of that.
Kate responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 9:46 am #
I actually spent like half of my childhood in that area!! I know what you mean.
Greenwater responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 10:04 am #
Despite having lived near Paris I know very little about all the (reportedly) fabulous neighbourhoods and all the roads to the Eiffel Tower. This makes me feel somewhat original and rebellious until I remember that I was barely a teenager at the time.
Terri responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 10:32 am #
I had to come back to add that because I’m from Sayreville, I’m supposed to be a big Bon Jovi fan. While I respect his style and business, I was never a big fan of him.
Steff responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 11:54 am #
I swear I have some sort of anti-celebrity-sighting curse. I worked in New York City last year and 30 Rock was filming right in front of my company’s building. All my coworkers ran out and came back with snapshots of the actors on their phones. I went out, stood next to the cameramen/crowd and squinted eagerly for 5 minutes straight…
NOTHING. Nada. Zilch.
I also lived on the Upper West Side and never spotted a celebrity there or in any other neighborhood.
Now I’m in Paris and still trying to figure out what people are *supposed* to do here. That might take a while.
Janet T responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 12:18 pm #
When we lived in Sonoma county, we tended to drink beer and knew nothing of wine- now that we live in Oregon and it is the microbrewery capital of the world- we tend to drink wine. I don’t think we are trying to be contrary (altho it is possible)- I think our tastes have just changed.
San D responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 1:16 pm #
I am in Florida now, and I am allergic to bug bites, get hives in the sun, and wear funky clothes including childrens’ sneakers that light up when you walk. Not your typical senior citizen look. But then again most of my neighbors can’t actually “see” me anyway. When I was younger I did live in a senior citizen enclave, and found that age bracket to be the most accepting of all age backets. Probably because “we” have seen it all, and nothing surprises us anymore. As for when I WAS in NYC, I saw celebs all of the time, in the city, on the train, in restaurants. I never bothered them, although on occasion I might go up and say “I love your work”. Of course when I saw Michael Cerveris and told him I have a 5′ painting of him and Patti Lupone in my living room (from Sweeny Todd), he was much amused.
Sonya responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 1:26 pm #
I took an 9 month break at one point but have essentially been in the Boston/Cambridge area for 7 years. I’ve never gone sailing/kayaking on the Charles, gone out drinking on St. Patrick’s Day, or been to any of the Patriots/Red Sox/Bruins victory parades. And I’m a die-hard sports fan!
Monique responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 1:27 pm #
I live in a small town. I’m supposed to be a church goer (I’m not, even though the town has five churches), own a gun (I don’t), have no more than a high school education (I have a Master’s), don’t go to the high school’s sports events (my four sons all graduated from the local high school and the only sport they were in was long distance running), don’t own or drive a pickup (I do drive an SUV though). I do recognize people by the car they drive, write checks at the local grocery store without having to show ID, quilt, and raise chickens.
Katrina Blanchalle responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 1:54 pm #
I seem to be the only person in Arizona who does not own one or more guns.
Erin H. responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 2:22 pm #
Ditto for me and Texas.
Sari responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 4:50 pm #
Really great thing that you moved to Brooklyn.
And there have been some exposes about lululemon… Good that you AREN’T wearing them.
What don’t I do? I don’t butt into the lives of random people on the street here, like in really invasive ways, which seems to be par for the course for Israelis. What do I do? Get pegged for a NY-er. Often. Get me back to Brooklyn!
Kate responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 5:00 pm #
@Sari
Ha! What makes people think you’re from NYC?
Morton responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 5:23 pm #
Some people should Not try toe touching. Consult a Qualified physiotherapist. Some things you just have to take a loss on.
Amy J responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 6:33 pm #
I live in Colorado — I don’t ski, have never been to the top of a 14,000 mountain (14er as they’re called here) and don’t like football.
On the flip side, I am in a couple of bands and my husband and I own a recording studio. I think it just comes down to the fact that you will be who you are no matter where you live.
Gaye Pauroso responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 8:05 pm #
My son is getting ready to move to NY from LA. I’ll pass along your article so he can gain some insight in to life in NYC.
Thanks.
Gaye
Sheryl responded on 02 Jan 2013 at 8:11 pm #
I lived in Toronto until very recently and found that I didn’t do most of the big city things I expected to do while living there. But I do the same introverted things no matter where I live, really.
I did manage to do a few big city type things while I lived there – I took advantage of a lot of the restaurants (and knew the chefs by name – but that was because my husband knew them through work) and tried to take advantage of the museums and shows.
Stef responded on 03 Jan 2013 at 12:59 am #
I live in NM and absolutely HATE chile and these people put it on EVERYTHING: pizza, hamburgers, eggs, in bread, sandwiches, and soup, even in chocolate! The state motto is even “red or green,” referring to chile.
Sarah responded on 03 Jan 2013 at 1:31 am #
I live in Seattle and have lived in western Washington my whole life…. and use an umbrella, don’t know many obscure bands, am not enthusiastic for legal marijuana, and am neither a hipster nor wear yoga pants.
But I do go to obscure “city things” like yoga and farmers markets and exploring museums and cathedrals and so. many. coffee. shops.
It’s interesting how we perceive what we “should” be doing, based on location/age group/even religion, but sometimes we are so caught up in that that we don’t notice that there is more flexibility in the world than we sometimes realize. Maybe that’s just me. But it was very interesting to read your list because all I ever hear about NY are the stereotypical “things New Yorkers do/way New Yorkers act” as if it is some kind of cult!
Erin Lee responded on 03 Jan 2013 at 9:46 am #
I doubt that I fit any of the cliches, but people often think I’m from NYC because when you say you’re from NY – even when you specify, “up, UP” state NY, they always say, “oh, but you don’t have an accent!”. We are almost as far north from NYC as you can get, and the only accent that comes from our area is a redneck accent.
Liz responded on 03 Jan 2013 at 10:01 am #
I’m originally from the South, so I’m supposed to:
a) have an accent – I don’t because I trained myself out of it to avoid the instant judgements other Americans make when they hear a Southern accent.
b) love football – I hate it.
c) be a churchgoer – I’m not.
d) be conservative – I’m liberal.
e) be racist – I’m not; or at least, I try not to judge people according to their skin color, etc.
BUT, I cannot deny that the majority of my extended family includes many of those traits, in abundance lol
Now, I live in France, and you wouldn’t believe the stereotypes of Americans that French people have – that I don’t fit either!
Jeez. I can’t never win
Kate responded on 03 Jan 2013 at 10:02 am #
@Liz
I have to say, I LOVE LOVE LOVE southern drawls. I can’t believe that there’s negative stigma (I mean, I believe it, but it confuses me), because the accent is so calming and sexy and cool sounding. Sorry, had to get that out of my system.
Liz responded on 03 Jan 2013 at 10:55 am #
Kate – I went to a university “up North” and after a semester of unwanted attention due to my accent, I dropped as much as I could. Sadly, a lot of people hear the drawl and equate it with uneducated or ignorant hick :/ Maybe it was just a big cop-out for me (cause people judge people, no matter what), but I just didn’t want to deal with it. When I go home or talk on the phone with family, though, it comes back!
Kate responded on 03 Jan 2013 at 11:20 am #
@Liz
So stupid that people act like that. Sorry
I had some really close southern friends as a kid, and I wanted nothing more than to be able to naturally say “y’all,” like them.
Ann responded on 03 Jan 2013 at 1:31 pm #
This reminded me of my first (and only) trip to NYC. Being from a small town in the Midwest, I wanted to see as much as I could, so I was looking around everywhere and acting very interested. The friends I went with kept saying, “Stop that! You look like a tourist!,” to which I responded, “So what? I AM a tourist!” And pretty much everyone we came across was extremely friendly and helpful, and they didn’t seem to be annoyed by my tourist ways. It left me with a very good impression of New Yorkers in general. But I can see why it would be insulting to be called a tourist when you actually live there
Alpana Trivedi responded on 03 Jan 2013 at 2:37 pm #
I was in a writers’ group years ago. We met in Barnes and Noble every Saturday.
Liz responded on 04 Jan 2013 at 6:32 am #
@Kate
Oh, I still say y’all
Cinthia responded on 04 Jan 2013 at 7:17 pm #
Up here in Alaska, everyone is sickenly outdoorsy. Don’t get me wrong: I love the outdoors and it’s the reason I live here. It’s just that I don’t feel I have to be out doing hardcore hikes in miserable weather to justify my Alaska status. Yet that’s the attitude up here. Everyone walks around in North Face coats, even though most of them don’t go farther than the grocery store. We all need to look outdoorsy. It’s how we gauge social status, by the quality of outdoor clothing one wears.
I think it’s like New York in that respect, not so much the outdoorsy aspect but the allure of something, some type of magic, that isn’t always there but everyone wants to believe is there and will fight to believe is there. Am I making sense?
Anyway, nice post. It caused me to ponder, and I so love to ponder.
Cheers and happy 2013.
Sarah responded on 05 Jan 2013 at 10:17 am #
I live in Sydney, Australia. We’re supposed to go to the beach all the time, surf and have great tans…unfortunatly I’m a pasty red head who gets burnt after about 2 minutes so I spend the summer desperately seeking shade!
Aezy responded on 06 Jan 2013 at 9:20 pm #
I go to uni in Cambridge, England and have had many people look me up and down, do the confused face and go “What? The REAL Cambridge uni?”
Which is funny and mildly insulting at the same time. Admittedly I don’t act in any plays, I’m ridiculously incomprehensibly smart, dress head to toe in Jack Wills or talk in an upper class accent (because I’m middle class) so I suppose most people wouldn’t identify me as a stereotypical Oxbridge student… I am all about little cafes and bookshops and spending Saturdays in museums though
Chloe responded on 07 Jan 2013 at 2:00 am #
I love that subway story!!!
But my comment is this… On the numerous occasions I’ve been to NYC, and I can’t recall ever seeing a celebrity.
Which is hopefully more rare than seeing celebrities!!
(Oh, I did once go to a Yankees game but I don’t think that counts.)
I saw a woman get her feet chopped off on the subway platform when I was about 7 years old.
At any rate, I had a friend who constantly saw celebrities seemingly everywhere she went, and especially in NYC.
I decided upon the reason why she saw celebrities, and I didn’t.
SHE RECOGNIZED THEM.
She was always reading celebrity magazines and such – which are full of celebrity pictures.
I almost NEVER read celebrity magazines or look at pictures of celebrities on web sites.
So I may indeed see them & not recognize them!!
I haven’t been to NYC in a long time… But the only celebrity I MIGHT recognize were I lucky to come across him, would be Neil deGrasse Tyson. And that would be because he’s not an actor that would be in costume or character… presumably he wouldn’t look very different on the street than he does in everything & anything I watch him in.
I was watching Portlandia earlier, and failed to recognize Tim Robbins because he was wearing a hat, eyeliner and speaking with a fake accent!
Kate responded on 07 Jan 2013 at 9:16 am #
@Chloe
You saw someone’s feet get cut off?? Holy shit. That is horrifying. That’s like, my worst subway nightmare. Well, actually my worst subway nightmare is that someone pushes me onto the tracks. But oh my god.
And on a lighter note: yes, I’ve always thought that part of the reason why I don’t spot celebrities is because I couldn’t recognize them anyway! I’m terrible about that. I have a hard time remembering famous people and, like you, I sometimes don’t even recognize them in movies/on TV!
Hope responded on 07 Jan 2013 at 11:04 am #
I lived in New York for 6 years, 5 on the Upper East Side. We had zero money. I was a mom, did a teeny bit of work, my husband was doing a medical residency and fellowship. Once, I went downtown to meet a friend who was visiting, and she told me I looked “very uptown.” So, I did that, without intending to.
Allyson responded on 07 Jan 2013 at 10:17 pm #
Ooh, fun…I wanna play!
Things I’m surprised I do:
Being a gym rat: Most evenings I’m either doing a group run, or some sort of boot camp/group strength training/kettleball type class, because I’m utterly addicted. I’m trying to make it a point to spend more time socializing with friends, even if that’s at the expense of the occasional workout.
Yeah, I’m one of those people who knows the names of local chefs. And mixologists. And use the word “mixologist.” I kind of hate myself for using that term. And some of these mixologists or bartenders or whatever you want to call them even know my name, which maybe means I drink a bit too much.
Obsess over political pundits: Must be a symptom of living in DC too long. I don’t give a damn about most celebrities, but I saw Ana Marie Cox at a bar once, and totally freaked out. And I have a huge crush on Chris Hayes.
Cook, and enjoy it.
Belong to a CSA: I sometimes tire of not being able to pick out exactly what vegetables I want, but I’ve tried a whole bunch of stuff I otherwise never would have tried. And it’s fun to learn to cook these new vegetables.
Monthly massages: I feel like such a yuppie, but they’re so great, especially since I sit behind a computer nine hours a day.
Things People Do That I Don’t Get:
Yoga: I’ve given it several shots, and just can’t get into it. I can’t focus, and then I start to think about all the crap I have to do, or how I could be getting a “real” workout in (I realize yoga is a real workout if you actually learn what you’re doing instead of faking your way through the moves, but I don’t do that), or I could be doing something fun, like hanging out with friends or watching TV or something, but instead I’m doing yoga which I find neither productive nor fun, then I get angry. And angry yoga is a bit counter-productive.
Girls nights: Maybe it’s because I’ve always been a tom boy and had lots of guy friends growing up, and the female friends I had were similar to me, so not very girly. Then I became an adult and moved to a new city, and women always want to have girls nights, where they go to some fancy over-hyped restaurant or lame club, and our guy friends can’t come, supposedly just because they have a penis. And I don’t get it, but apparently it’s a thing.
Diets: Food is delicious and I completely lack will power.
Colon cleanses: Ew. Why do people think this is a good idea? Just, ew.
Allyson responded on 07 Jan 2013 at 10:19 pm #
Oh, and on the topic of seeing celebrities…I worked at the Borders at 57th and Park Ave many years ago, and Courtney Love came in and bought out damn near the entire new age/self help section. Not sure it ended up doing her any good
Kate responded on 08 Jan 2013 at 11:57 am #
@Allyson
I really liked reading this.
cristie responded on 08 Jan 2013 at 8:24 pm #
I live in Seattle, and have never been up the Space Needle, don’t really ski, and only drink coffee on very infrequent occasions. On the other hand, I love our farmers market and CSA, buy organic/pastured/grass-fed/etc., do prenatal yoga, like being outdoors, and wear fleece jackets.
I’m glad you posted this “list,” – it was fun to read both the post and everyone’s comments!
sami responded on 14 Jan 2013 at 5:54 am #
I am also a pale Aussie, I’m not a fan of the beach
and I’ve never seen the opera house or sydney harbour bridge (wrong side of the continent). But I do say g’day, wear thongs (flip flops!) and regularly encounter kangaroos 
Jayne responded on 16 Jan 2013 at 11:56 pm #
Like Sami, I’m an Aussie, also pale and also not a beachgoer.
I live in Melbourne, but have never been to any of the major sporting events that allow the city to boast that it’s sporting capital of the world – eg the Melbourne Cup horse race, the Australian Open tennis, the football grand final. And I only live a short walk from the where the latter two are played).
Melbourne also thinks it’s the coffee capital of Australia, but I don’t drink the stuff and never have…yet somehow I still manage to judge people for drinking Starbucks!
Kit responded on 24 Jan 2013 at 4:43 am #
Another one from Melbourne. And I only have two winter jackets; neither are black. Ya know? That thing that all Melbournians wear black in winter? I… Just…. Never mind.