So I’m pregnant. I have been for a while, but I was being all traditional about it and waiting until the second trimester to say anything. And here we are! God, I can’t believe I made it. I have been SO SICK. So sick. Holy shit. I can’t even describe how unprepared I was.
I am like an alien creature that earth scientists have locked in a cage and injected with horrible viruses and I have been plotting my escape this entire time. I’ve been keeping myself sane by imagining, over and over again, what I will do when I am free. First, I will kill my captors. And then I will eat fried chicken. I will eat at all of the restaurants recommended by Serious Eats in their email newsletter. They have taunted me for too long. For too long, I have been unable to properly feed.
This whole thing is crazily weird. Apparently, there is a baby inside of me. It wasn’t there a few months ago, and now it is, and I am still myself, I think, but I am going to be a person who is a mother. It’s like there is a gap between my complicated, full thoughts and my ability to express them, even to myself. And in that gap, there’s a baby.
So let me start again. This is the story of when I found out I was pregnant. Because I write to calm myself down when I’m freaking out, I wrote it as it happened:
Both of the tests say yes. Yes+
Both of them, but I still don’t really believe.
It’s been like 45 min and Bear is unreachable. Mom is on the phone and staying on the phone until he contacts me. My heart is still beating hard.
I only took the test so that I’d stop thinking about it. I was so ready for a NO that when the yes came up my whole body just STOPPED.
It is 6:25 on Nov 15th. I might be pregnant.
This is surreal. I was so sure I was getting my period. But it hasn’t really happened. I still think it might happen.
Is there actually something that will be a person inside me?
Something that will one day not even care that it was there?
Life is so insane.
Mom is already telling me about painless birth and we’re already arguing.
Dad looked up the due date. July 29th or 24th, I think. Which doesn’t mean much right now.
It will probably die first, right? I’ll miscarry. In like two days.
But I also feel like it won’t.
God. What about my life?
I feel like I’m liveblogging right now.
I just made this decision right now. And now I have a yes+
It is now 7:21 and I’m on the phone with dad. Haven’t gotten off the phone.
Still no Bear. He must be in a meeting. He had a really big meeting today.
I am smiling incessantly
On a fundamental level I am really, really happy
8:07 Bear finally called! On his work phone. He was like “is it emergency?” I said “no,” in a totally cool voice. He told me he’d be home in an hour or so. I asked if he could come sooner.
“Are you sure? I’m coming home right now”
“I took two tests.”
“Are you happy?”
“Yes, I’m just in shock”
“Me too, but I’m really happy.”
“Ok, I’m leaving now!”
I called Jake but he didn’t pick up and texted to say he was about to play a concert.
I called Gabe and he picked up, in transit, as always, at the store, and was so happy. “That’s, like, a big life thing,” he said. “You’re, like, a grownup now.”
“But I feel like a kid, so I’m screwed,” I said.
“I’m going to be an uncle before my 21st birthday,” he said. “That’s badass. I was having a bad day but this is like the best news ever!”
I keep wandering back over to the sticks to look at the “yes”
* * *
People who have been pregnant/are pregnant– how did you react when you found out? When I imagined it, I thought I would cry from joy, but when it happened I was too shocked.
Unroast: Today I love the way I look in the skin-tight dress I bought to celebrate the second trimester. I bought it the first time I could drag myself out to a store. The salesman saw me looking at it, and he said, “You can’t gain an ounce in that one!” And I said, “Well, I’m about to gain like thirty pounds.” So I bought it, because it’s stretchy and I want to show off my belly. (you can totally see the waistline of my leggings here– sorry)