love letter to a beauty queen
This piece appeared originally on The Frisky, for my Mirror Mirror column.
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Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about love, right? Romance and pink things and flowers, too. It’s supposed to be about couples, but I want to selfishly celebrate by acknowledging a woman who made me love myself a little bit more. So often, I think we’re trying to make ourselves appealing and acceptable to other people. We’re worried about how we look to them, how we come across, if we’re pretty and likable. But once, when I was a kid, I saw a woman who made me think there might be another way to do things, and I’ve never forgotten her.
This is my love letter to a beauty queen.
I was nine. My dad, a Jazz pianist, was playing a gig at a beauty pageant. I don’t know why. But for some reason, he was playing in a little Jazz band at intermission at a local high school beauty pageant. I really wanted to go.
My mom, who wouldn’t let me have any Barbies because she was concerned about the insidious messages about beauty and femininity they were transmitting to all of us unsuspecting little girls, said I could go, because of the music. She wasn’t thrilled, but my dad swore that he was going to work the melody of the sh’ma, the simple, central Jewish prayer that we were so familiar with from synagogue, into his big solo. He thought that would be really funny. And my brothers and I couldn’t wait to see if we’d spot it. And I couldn’t wait to see the girls in the pageant. What would they be wearing? Would they be very beautiful?
Not to be all anti-climactic, but I don’t exactly remember what they were wearing. It’s been a while. I do remember that there was a lot of pink. And some surprisingly puffy sleeves. I do remember that lots of them sang for the talent portion of the competition. But what I remember best of all was the girl with the buzz cut.
She was tall, curvy, black, and graceful, and she held her head high. She barely had any hair, and her smooth head caught the glare of the spotlights. She wore a tight, short red dress instead of a billowing gown, and she gave a speech about sexual abuse, and how it needs to stop. She spoke with such force that I thought she should be President of the United States. I thought she should rule the world. I thought she was beautiful and I wanted so badly for her to win.
Maybe the no Barbies rule worked. Maybe I’d learned to think of femininity differently than so many other girls. Maybe I was open to gender-bending creativity and flagrant dismissals of tradition. Probably not, though. I loved princesses as much as the next little girl. I drew them endlessly in my notebooks. They wore pearls in fat strings and had flowing blond and light brown hair and they were always inside the palace. I loved the buzz cut beauty pageant contestant anyway. I loved her automatically, wholeheartedly, and instantaneously. She was just the coolest one. She stood out. She was brave. And she was breathtaking.
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Of course, she didn’t win. She didn’t even get second or third place. She wasn’t the first runner-up or the second runner-up.
I couldn’t believe it. She was by far the best!
The girl who won had neatly curled long hair and she was very thin except for her breasts and she was wearing a long, sparkling pink dress. I thought she was boring, and I didn’t even remember the song she sang.
My dad managed to slip the Sh’ma into his big solo at intermission, and my little brothers were totally delighted. Everyone thought he was great. But it was the buzz cut girl who made the biggest impression on me that night.
I wonder what she’s up to now. I hope she’s out there, changing the world. She definitely showed me a different version of the world that night. A world where women could be gorgeous for being bold and different and looking nothing like the fairytale princesses I kept doodling. A world where women could talk about big, serious issues while wearing beautiful dresses, even if they were just supposed to say something simple about world peace. I love this version of the world. And I love that girl for showing it to me. She will always be my beauty queen for that.
So to all the women who dare to walk into the most traditionally feminine environments and be whatever they feel like being…
And the women who ask the tough questions.
And the women who flaunt their uniqueness.
And the women who like the weight they’ve gained.
And the women who cut off all their hair.
And the women who speak their minds.
And the women who teach little girls by example that being a real, complicated woman is a whole lot more exciting than being a princess.
I love you all. Happy Valentine’s Day!
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Can you think of a daring girl or woman who changed the way you think about beauty? Do you have any awesome Valentine’s Day plans?
Unroast: Today I love the way I look in the actual gowns I have been trying on for tomorrow night. They’re actually for a work event, believe it or not, but I’m still excited. Just trying on gowns is incredibly fun.
Also, in case you’re interested, Blue Nile, the jewelry site, is running a fun giveaway that ends tomorrow. Here’s how it works:
· There are three special Valentine’s Day cards on Blue Nile’s Facebook page from which fans can choose and share. In order to participate, fans must “Like” the Blue Nile Facebook page.
· Once you “like” the page, you can send a card of your choosing to any of your Facebook friends along with a short message.
· Both the sender and recipient of the card will receive a $10 off coupon toward their next Blue Nile purchase. Users are able to send multiple cards; however, users can only send one card at a time, and they will only receive one $10 off coupon, regardless of the amount of cards sent.
· Users who send a card will be entered to win the Pink Morganite & Diamond Ring
This is it:
Kate on February 13th 2013 in beauty, being different, body
Alice responded on 13 Feb 2013 at 11:04 am #
Thank you for making it ok to be me.
Kate responded on 13 Feb 2013 at 11:05 am #
Alice- it is so much more than OK for you to be you. It’s completely necessary.
<3
Shyra responded on 13 Feb 2013 at 12:03 pm #
Thanks for sharing the contest – I am a huge morganite fan!
Jon N responded on 13 Feb 2013 at 1:06 pm #
Hey Kate, I love your blog. I recently started following it, and have been filling my afternoons reading back posts and reflecting on how solid your advice is.
This article is awesome though. I am a heavy proponent of individuality and confidence, and agree that a lot of the time we forget to do things for ourselves. Thank you for the reminder; its a quasi-zen check on where my values should lie.
Keep being the inspiring woman with the short hair.
San D responded on 13 Feb 2013 at 1:18 pm #
I never wanted to be a princess, but did yearn to be “Lady” in Lady and the “Tramp”. To this day that is the most romantic movie to me, second only to “What Dreams May Come”.
Rapunzel responded on 13 Feb 2013 at 1:46 pm #
Good post, Kate.
I thought of you today because of donuts. My boss is out for three days this week, and it was only me and two coworkers until 11:00 this morning, so I left the house early to hit Albertsons and get some fresh donuts for us. Not having other coworkers there and not having our boss there is reason enough to celebrate!
Anyway, I had a hard time pacing myself with those donuts with two other people there. I ended up having 3 by the time I left at 11 (split shift day, yay). I forgot how much I like donuts. But I hadn’t forgotten how self-conscious I am about having a box of delicious food like that on the table to share with others. I even debated going back to the store after work to get some of the donuts I didn’t get to taste instead of scarfing down six more of them! But I didn’t. Still thinking about it though….
Kate responded on 13 Feb 2013 at 1:49 pm #
@Rapunzel
Oh, donuts..my true love…You know that I completely understand this dynamic. Did you let yourself take a few, at least?
There is actually a billboard with a picture of a box of donuts on it that I can see from my window, and every time I look at it, I’m like, “damn it! Now I want a donut! NOW!”
Ashley responded on 13 Feb 2013 at 2:29 pm #
I typed short hair with predominant noses into Google a few days ago, and some how i came across your blog. Ive been reading your various articles and I cant explain how influential just that has been. I am a freshman in college and am struggling with being me. I worry about the opinions of others on the way I look or the things I say. I have a large nose, that i have always been self conscious of, but have recently decided to cut my hair off. Before i came across your blog, I read all of these websites discouraging woman with larger facial features from having short hair. But i am lazy and tired of allowing my hair to be another thing i worry about. Your articles have been my support in this decision. I especially love this article because, again, you encourage us to be ourselves. So thanks.
Kate responded on 13 Feb 2013 at 2:33 pm #
@Ashley
Ha! I love that I come up for that search. Hilarious.
I’m glad you’re here. Please send me a photo of yourself once you cut your hair off and I’ll publish it– I love publishing short hair pics from awesome women.
<3
Janet T responded on 13 Feb 2013 at 6:20 pm #
‘My mom, who wouldn’t let me have any Barbies because she was concerned about the insidious messages about beauty and femininity they were transmitting to all of us unsuspecting little girls”
Your Mom was awesome- I suspect she still is!
Pixie M responded on 13 Feb 2013 at 11:48 pm #
Hey Kate,
All the way from Australia I’d like to say how much I love reading your blog….and I am one of ‘those’ women with short hair (hence the Pixie)…so now I find out that I’ve been fashionable all my life, lol.
I work with children and families and the other day at work a child said to me, ‘you are pretty but why don’t you have any hair?’
(In an aside, I spent three weeks over Xmas/NY with my big troop of grown up kids and Mr M holidaying in Williamsburg and we LOVED it! We MISS it sooooo much! Donuts! I love donuts and Australia does not do donuts like NYC does…. In fact, we love it so much that Mr M is going to see if he can get a job there in a couple of years time and I am VERY excited…..)
(Sorry for the capitals and the exclamation marks, it’s all NYC’s fault)
Lucy responded on 14 Feb 2013 at 12:35 am #
Thank you, a thousand times. Still trying my best to be me, flawed, beautiful, single, in my forties, with some strengths and some insecurities. Wanting more than anything to be O.K. with being me.
Caitlin responded on 14 Feb 2013 at 7:43 am #
Tess Munster and Rosie Mercado <3
Alpana Trivedi responded on 14 Feb 2013 at 9:24 am #
This is a lovely post. I’m impressed that this girl had an impact on you regardless of winning any awards for the beauty pageant. I don’t know that it was the “no Barbie” rule that worked, but because you weren’t exposed too early to the conventional standards of beauty, your mind and heart formed their own opinions.
Terri responded on 14 Feb 2013 at 9:35 am #
I really like this post. Not only is it ok to be yourself, it’s ok to be in love with yourself on a day that everyone is being all cutesy and over-the-top with a significant other.
Lillian responded on 14 Feb 2013 at 10:45 am #
“Flaunt their uniqueness”, that is just perfect. It made me stop for a while. I should do that too. Thank you for your writing. You remind me of me and that gives me hope.
Lyssa responded on 14 Feb 2013 at 1:57 pm #
Being a female in the classical music performance world usually means tons of make-up and a stunning dress and perfect hair. However, I chose to play a primarily male-dominated instrument, classical guitar, and sometimes wear *gasp* pants! My guitar teacher was also female, which is unique, and she was an incredible example to me of a woman who didn’t need to wear make-up to be beautiful, or have long hair to feel pretty, or look like a fashion doll to perform. She inspired me to look at a person’s inner character rather than their outward appearance for beauty!
I’m looking forward to teaching my daughter, Harmony, the same wisdom as she grows up. Like you wrote, “being a real, complicated woman is a whole lot more exciting than being a princess”. Thank you for the awesome post!
Tiffany responded on 14 Feb 2013 at 6:52 pm #
Oh how I love love LOVE your blog! It’s beyond amazing and has really helped me to love me…the nonperfect woman who’s a tad overweight that never wears makeup and who has a love affair with chocolate and Dr. Pepper haha. This post reminded me of my best friend, Katie. She recently chopped off all her hair, regardless of negative comments from her mom and others, and is completely rocking her new look (almost mohawkish in nature). She recently graduated as an art major and truly is one of my heros in how she goes about life. She’s so unconventional that she’s truly gorgeous to me. Fighting for women’s rights in our local community, yarn bombing to make a statement, making art out of fabric that represents how today’s women focus so much on their appearances and fashion instead of being themselves. She’s so strong! Anyway! Thanks so much for this blog…it’s amazing, as are you
.
Melinda responded on 14 Feb 2013 at 10:33 pm #
This story is moving, Kate. I can’t think of any particular woman who has changed my notions of beauty because I see beauty in so many different women.
I didn’t play with Barbie very often when I was young. I think I had maybe two, one of which was black, but I preferred books, stuffed animals, puzzles, and train sets.
My role models as a little girl were mostly light-skinned black/mixed girls like me…Sade, Vanessa Williams, Lisa Bonet, Rachel Smith, etc. And my mom, of course, although she definitely had her demons.
I thought it was wonderful as a child when somebody told me and my mom that we looked like Sade, because I loved her music and I thought she had the coolest style.
And yes, it is rather different to see a girl like the one you described in a beauty contest, because Western society tends to push this notion of “whiter is better”…especially if one is tall, thin, with long blonde hair and blue eyes and big boobs.
With most beauty queens, but especially Black women, weaves and extensions are almost a requirement for the whole “pageant look”. So it must have been quite refreshing to see that young lady rocking a buzz cut, her curves, and her deep chocolate skin in a venue that typically doesn’t see the beauty in diversity.
I had very short hair once, in high school, after a rather unfortunate incident with hair color that caused my hair to fall out in clumps. I was bullied relentlessly. Much of my identity is tied to my hair not only as a woman, but as a woman of color. I love long hair and I feel prettier with it but I might try short hair again someday…I just don’t like the way it looks on me.
But two beautiful women with short hair come to mind…Halle B. and a young Mia Farrow. Mia looked like a little doll back in the day, with her pixie cut and her sweet face.
arora responded on 26 Feb 2013 at 10:26 am #
this one made me cry and it made me uncomfortable and it was good.